There are chapters of my life I’d like to forget. I want to forget how lost I felt when my parents marriage ended, and how insecure I felt when my Dad was raising a new family. I want to forget how lonely I felt being bullied in school every miserable day of Grade 8, and that my confidence took a shit kicking that’s been difficult to recover from. I want to forget how alone I felt when my Grandparents (my saving grace) left this earth. I want to forget how lonely, scared, and devastated I felt when my parents died just when I became a parent myself. I want to forget those dark nights of my soul that turned me into a raging, depressed, puddle of tears. I want to forget the confusion I felt when my son asked me what was wrong and where did his Geedo go. I want to forget how I had to put my grief on hold when his Grandma died when his tender heart needed comfort and security. And to forget how terrified I felt when my own waves of grief ripped into my soul with a force of a thousand, chaotic, emotional storms. I really want to forget how terrified I felt when my body couldn’t take the hurt and the pain anymore and I went into early labor with my baby. And I wish I could forget those long endless days of watching my precious baby in the NICU. Wishing I could take him home and take away all the hurt, worry, and fear I saw in his big brothers eyes when he came to see him…. I want to forget and wipe from my mind how helpless I felt watching my vulnerable, little baby hooked up to wires, monitors, and machines. But I can’t, there’s no crystal ball that can change my past, no time machine that change those long and lonely days, hours, minutes, and seconds, engulfed in my sadness and tears…. There’s no going back, this is my reality and it sucks. I also can’t go back and change or forget anything, because of all of these hardships have made me into who I am today. I’ve endured a lot of sadness, grief, and abandonment and these trials have taught me to be stronger, capable, and compassionate. They have unleashed that Momma bear when my oldest son was bullied in school. These unforgettable moments in my past have shown me that really whatever doesn’t kill me can make me stronger. Honestly there’s times where I just want to close my eyes and forget but if God brought me to it, he will bring me through it.
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