Denial

I’ve been in denial a lot of my life. I’ve denied that got scared and couldn’t learn how to spell my name in Kindergarten. I remember trying to to be taught through family. Unfortunately there wasn’t a lot of patience in my learning outcome. I can go back in my memory bank and see myself as a little precocious 5 year old, who couldn’t sit still. I wanted to sing, dance, and climb because it helped me think better. I would stand at the blackboard with my teacher and look up at the alphabet train seeking inspiration. I’ve denied that I felt weak and small when I was bullied as I child. The bigger the world around me appeared, the smaller and more insecure I felt. I have denied that there was anything wrong with me when that world appeared to be too bright, loud, busy, and overwhelming. I denied that I was scared and anxious whenever I’d see large crowds of people in a room. I always thought someone would take me away and kidnap me. I grew up denying I could see things like spirits and auras because I didn’t want anyone to think I was too different, and weird. I remember telling a friend who was upset about her Grandpa dying that she wasn’t alone. She was so sad about it, that I told her he was there beside her holding her hand. She got so upset instead of feeling better with this knowledge, and ran home to tell her parents. After I was questioned about what I said, I denied I could see anything. I just wanted to comfort my friend when she was in pain. I have denied that I allowed people to treat me unkindly and thought if I did and said more, they would do the same. I denied that rambunctious boys that grew into horny men just wanted one thing from me and it wasn’t my smile! I lived in denial that I’ve suffered from anxiety from knowing, seeing, and feeling too much. Some people are easier to read than others and some vibrations come through so strong they’re like a homing beacon to me! Denial is no way to live. It causes anxiety, depression, and hurts you emotionally, physically, and mentally. It can cause you to lose your true authentic self and try to mold yourself, into who you think people want you to be. Something happened to me when I turned the big 40, I didn’t want to live in denial anymore. It was an eye opening age, where I couldn’t tolerate the lies my ego would tell me, or deny that I was a slave to it. I wanted to live my truth, make no apologies, and finally be free from all the pain, frustration, and remorse. I believe if you don’t walk the walk, then you’re all talk. And that dogma is so bad and destructive to your soul. So here I am taking each day as learning experiences instead of failures. Facing my challenges head on and becoming a dragon slayer to my fears and anxieties. I’ve grown tired of the self doubt, constant questioning, and negative tapes of “I’m not good enough” playing in my mind. We only have one life, many ambitious dreams, inspiration, and the potential to make them happen. And I’m going to be living them authentically and denial free. Who’s with me? Maybe we could start a rock band. 😃

Today’s Sunday confession brought to you by the brilliant http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com. Check out her rocking blog and all the other terrifically talented bloggers that link up.

---