I have been quickly trying to figure out my life’s dilemmas. How to stop my big boys nightmares he’s suffering from due to being bullied at school. And how to get my sleep deprived little boy more restful sleep. I’m functioning in a “Mombie” state myself, but it’s a part of my daily routine I don’t even think of it much. I joke around and say my son never got the memo as a baby, he was supposed to sleep through the night after a month old. What the most difficult is being so exhausted that I’m quick to anger. And that leaves me and the ones I love feeling vulnerable. To my wrath, my tears, my laments of please forgive me’s. I know how bad it is to lose my temper. And I’m always making amends for my behavior. I spend lots of late nights researching of ways to help my children and myself. I’ve been doing this Deepak and Oprah meditation series which brings me the calm I need in a given chaotic day. For which I’m grateful yet it’s not giving me the restful sleep I need. Which leads me to the quick assumption am I sabotaging myself by my constant anxiousness and overthinking? I’m a philosophical soul who’s introspective nature, can leave my head riddled with questions. I think my poor body says to my brain “ok I give up, you win, I’ll talk to the central nervous system and get her moving in the morning.” And I’ll lay here and look like I’m letting her relax, and you take over the party going on in her head. And get those muscles to relax and rebuild so she’s not a mess of bones on the floor!” You see why I can’t sleep I’m so quick to think up things to entertain myself? At this point in my life I either laugh or cry. I’d rather laugh and convulse into feel good giggles, after a good tickle fest with my kids. They are amazing little loves who are so quick to forgive me when my impatience rears it’s ugly head. I’m always a work in progress, as I believe we all can be at times. How can we not be with the craziness of the world we live in? Being empathic can be a really life long uphill struggle, as I tend to feel things on a much deeper level than the average joe. So I’m always looking for a quick fix, to ground and balance myself so I don’t fly off into a tizzy. Yes, medication helps but leaves me feeling almost disjointed in my bubble of calm. I prefer to make up a quick remedy of essential oils, clean nutrition, vitamins and a little wine to balance it out. I will be the first to say I love hard, play hard, and beat myself up hard for simply being human. My family knows that they are my breath of life, my elixir I drink up to fill the gaping holes in my heart and psyche. I’m learning to not be so quick to react with impulsive anger, and let the sins of my childhood not continually play in my mind. I have to learn to be quick to forgive myself for my wrong doings and not beat myself to an emotional pulp. There’s too many people in the world that will do that for me, with no questions asked. So my life has been full of quick friendships, with all the moving I’ve done in my life. My hope is I’ll find some sustaining friends so I don’t feel so lonely. It surprises and saddens me that I’ve been quick to judge groups of people in conversation, because I’ve wanted that so badly in my life. I need to be patient and let life unfold how it should. Than being so quick to bypass people that I think wouldn’t have anything to do with me. That’s the issue I struggle with as I work through my growing pains and find that friendship that’s meant to be. So I’m slowing down, pacing myself, and going with the flow. Because really Rome wasn’t built in a day.
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