Father

Over the last year I’ve wrote about my Dad a lot on Father’s Day his birthday and anytime I was thinking of him. He’s the first thing I think of when I read the word Father. Today I think about my husband the father he’s become to our children. We had been together a long time before marriage and kids and animals gravitated to him. I was the same way, I always had a bunch of kids to babysit and animals to look after before I had that I’m my own life. My husband and I were together for 15 years before marriage and I’ve known him even longer as he went to school with my middle sister. Oh you may think why on earth did I stick around for so long?! I wondered that myself over those years. I had well meaning friends and family even my own Dad, to move on if it wasn’t meant to be. What they didn’t understand was that I knew it was meant to be. I knew he was destiny, I knew that he would be my forever love. As soon as I met him when I was 12 years old, and felt my heart skip a beat, and butterflies in my tummy. Not to say it wasn’t difficult in the beginning stages of our relationship. As my friends and family thought he was too old for me, and his friends thought I was too young. We struggled and persevered and moved out of town and into a house together. That first year was the hardest, and there was plenty of times I wanted to throw in the proverbial towel and run. But I stayed and learned a lot about myself in the process. We had a strong bond and a deep love for one another but feared commitment. I struggled with my childhood abandonment issues as the little 4 year old girl in me was afraid of be left again. My past childhood trauma of all the cursing, crying, and cutting when my Dad ran out of my life. I still remember it like it was yesterday as my Mom’s face changed and the look in her eyes was deadly as she chased him out the door. He had made many mistakes and I was witnessing a woman on the edge who could take no more. And my husband had his own memories of his childhood witnessing fighting, crying, and booze soaked nights of his Father absenteeism whole spent at the bar. The Mom home looking after her son’s never knowing what would transpire when he got home. So my husband and I found each other and our broken inner children fell in love as well. We had learned to patch up those broken pieces of our hearts and psyche with our addictions to booze, partying, and fair weather friendships.
And year after year I wondered when this fantasy in my mind of being his wife and Mother to his children would transpire. As empaths my beloved Mama and Gram knew of this vision, this vibration for that I couldn’t explain it just would be. So time marched on and I knew there was a change in the air. My husband got a promotion at work and he felt more stable financially. His first response when we went out to celebrate was “I guess it’s time to buy a house.” And our best friends chimed in and said “yes, and get married.” I was very happy for him and for us but I knew that wasn’t a step he was ready for. It had seemed throughout our relationship it was my hoping, wishing, and praying that we would walk that aisle to matrimony. I just knew it would come to fruition, but the endless question was when?! The first time he proposed I didn’t even think that beautiful ring in the white velvet box was for me. I thought he bought something for his Mom, that’s how far away from the idea of marriage I had been!!! And we did have a fabulous wedding as our family and friends marvelled at the 15 years together as a couple, looked like a new found love and respect for one another as we became husband and wife. I wrote him a song and recorded a demo that played as we held each the tight, basking in the glow of our love. Shortly after our marriage came a job transfer to a new city and a house buying adventure. And after our first new year celebrated as a married couple I was pregnant. In that 6 months we did more learning, growing, and life changes than we did in the 14 years prior!
So the excitement of moving into our first home and my growing belly, while we both worked to secure our dream. Then that magical day when our first son entered the world on a cold snowy winter day everything that was meant to be was. I watched my husband hold our precious bundle of joy and bathe him for the first time in the hospital. I didn’t think I could handle the joy that squeezed my heart as I watched their bond forming. As the tears leaked out of my eyes I knew this was what happiness was all about. Then a dark tunnel of post partum depression and the death of my Dad followed to cloud that silver lining. Yet my husband’s love and support got me through this dark night of my soul. And I became stronger and resilient. And after a long grieving period I found myself pregnant again. I remember telling my Mom of our joyful news and how she hugged me tight and we cried, with the sheer beauty of the moment. This was to be our miracle baby, as I struggled to keep him till he was ready to enter the world. In that time my beloved Mama was struggling with ill health. Her poor body couldn’t take it and she died when I was 8 months along. My heart broke into a thousand pieces as I had to say goodbye to the reason I was in the world today. I remember singing at her funeral her favorite hymn, where my voice reached the rafters of the church in musical notes I had never reached before. I knew she was with me, and would continue to be throughout the last month of my pregnancy. My second son made his arrival a month early but a healthy 6 lbs, 2 oz. He had to stay in the NICU as he was severely jaundiced and sleepy and he was losing ounces. I watched as my Captain met him in the hospital and he looked a gamut of tumultuous emotions as he saw his brother hooked up to wires and machines. Fear, happiness, and love were visible in his precious face. He sang Tom T. Hall’s I love and there wasn’t a dry eye in that NICU. Then that blessed day came when we could take our precious baby home. We met our Captain at preschool and the joy and relief he had on his face of us being reunited as a family is something I will always cherish. And my sons love their sweet Daddy, like the flowers love the sunshine. Now those days have turned to weeks, months, and years as we find ourselves spending Christmas with our loved ones. Instead of being so far away like the previous moves we’ve ventured on. I’m looking forward to ringing in the new year in our new home with my loving family. To my husband, my forever love, my soft place to fall, the Father of our children thank you for amazing you. Happily ever after really does exist, when it’s touched by the glow of love. ❤️

This has been my Sunday confession hosted by the sweet http://www.sparklypoeticweirdo.com. Check out her confession and all the other talented bloggers that link up. Smooches and Merry Christmas to you all. 😃❤️🎄🎅🌟

---