Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❀️


I must admit I should be sleeping as I’ve been up since the ass crack of dawn. I got up and got my kids ready for hockey, so their Dad could take them to the game. I should be sleeping but my time alone is so precious and I have so many things I want to do. Yet here I sit writing to you, and admitting my faults one by one. I stay up late continuously watching and waiting for someone who needs me. I start my days with little sleep and end them with even less. Even if I’m not needed, I admit I love the feeling of that quiet time when everyone’s sleeping.

‘s my precious sliver of the late night where I do things just for me. I drink wine, I sip tea, I read, write, entertain myself with Facebook. I seek out inspiration, quotes, funny memes, I write about whatever pops into my head or discover a new word prompt. I know I have no right to complain about being tired, yet I do. Is it because I like sabotaging myself or is it that me tone is just too valuable to give up? I don’t really know it could be a combination of things, I like the sound of my own voice, as I sing, and I putter around in my kitchen. I grew up with my Mom doing exactly this midnight was her golden time. I would wake up and hear her sweet voice singing and she’d be making tea. I would feel like I was missing out on something magical, so I’d stay up and watch old black and white classic movies till 4 am. Only to have to 4 hours of sleep and have to rush out the door to catch my bus for school. I may have grown up tired but I look back on those time as beautiful moments in my childhood. Magical moments that only my beloved Mama and I would share. She called me her little night owl and now I have one of my own. When he wakes up and sees me on the couch we snuggle together until he falls back to sleep. I carry him to bed and eventually crawl into my own. I know I should’ve gone to bed earlier and I’ll regret skipping sleep on purpose. I have no one to blame but my own self for my sleep deprivation. Would medication help me sleep? Perhaps but I like feeling like me, even if I’m a groggy, sleepy eyed Mombie in the morning. I know I can always catch up on sleep and I must admit that feels like a blessing. This world that I’ve carved out for myself is a secure one. I know with my youngest son’s sleep apnea, and my oldest son’s reoccurring nightmares I will always be needed at the wee hours of the morning. This is part of being a Mom, living with anxiety, and being that proverbial apple not falling from my Mom’s tree. She grew up with a very military style where she went to bed early, kept her room tidy. Her home was as neat as a pin as that’s how my Grandparents liked it. I think when my Mom grew up she began to rebel. Our home wasn’t always neat and tidy.
We had clean clothes, dishes, and food in the cupboards. We may have had to do a mad dash to clean up quickly when company was expected. But we were always happy. My Mom would help my sister and I make our lunches at night. And get us off to school in the morning and she’d be there at the end of the day to ask how was your school day. This is how I grew up and this is the Mom I am today. And I have to admit that feels pretty wonderful to be here raising and watching my boys grow into men. So if I lose sleep well it’s not the end of the world, I’ll catch up and I’ve adapted. I wasn’t much of a sleeper as a child, and now I live that daily. I will take whatever hours I can get always yearning for more, but for now this isn’t broken. My life works, I fix what’s broken, I repair what’s cracked. Whether that’s my heart or my psyche, I know each day I’m trying and I’m not perfect I’m just real and genuine. So if you’ll excuse me I admit I’m a little tired now since seeing the sunrise. I will enjoy a couple hours of slumber and wake up refreshed and ready to take on the world. πŸ˜ƒ

This has been my Sunday confession for the lovely Ash of http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com. Please check out her confession and all the other amazing bloggers that link up. 😘


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My broken heart

I just don’t know why cancer has to come into your life and rip your heart out. My experience knowing someone that has this illness was when I was a little girl. My Mom’s cousin had bone cancer, and I remember it being talked about in hushed tones. I went to see her in the hospital and everyone was there praying with her. I knew this was the end of her journey, and I was so scared because I couldn’t help her. Then my step Grandma who I saw in the hospital and then back in the home of my Dad and step Mom was towards the end of her life. I sang at her funeral and I felt like my heart was being twisted in a vice, as I looked at my step Mom and her sisters faces. I couldn’t imagine the pain of losing a Mother, but I felt every shred of theirs. Then time passed on and my Aunt (my step Mom’s sister) was diagnosed. It happened so quickly and it was a losing battle. I remember visiting her in the hospital and listening to her crying out in pain while I sat there by her bedside and prayed for her relief. Then it was my Dad who had two diagnosis’ of lymphoma back in 2007 and 2008. My Captain had just turned one years old when I got that dreaded phone call. I remember it like it was yesterday, dropping the phone, huddling on my bathroom floor my body rocked with my sobs. My Dad was the bravest man I’ve ever known, and he fought valiantly till the end. He has come to the city and did his radiation. Before he stayed with us he wanted to know if the affects would cause my son or us any harm. He was afraid he’d be glowing from the exposure and in his words “lit up like a Christmas tree.” We spent that week together and he would go for treatment in the morning and come back and nap I’m the afternoon. He’d wake up in time to play with his Grandson and they’d giggle and give each other nose kisses. That week is still so precious to me, and I remember it like it was yesterday. We celebrated my Captain’s birthday, and stayed up late and ate lots of cake, then drank tea and wine. I saw the sunsets and sunrises with my Dad laughing, talking, and crying. He got to see my son walking and saying his first jumble of words. I watched him be brave, in the face of this monster taking over his body. I saw how strong my step Mom was being, when my Dad would be in pain or cold from the affects of this disease. I’d see a look of worry and a furrow in her brow and it would quickly be replaced with sadness. Now to fast forward through radiation and chemo and my Dad was having his birthday and he got that call he was in remission. It was such a happy and blessed day. I remember coming home after a workshop to hear the fantastic news. Happiness was short lived as he went travelling to visit relatives and he got sick. I know he knew that this was the last stop on the road of life. He came home and much to our chagrin, to be diagnosed again. I got that phone call shortly before Halloween from my brother, and I raged, cried, and screamed. I was told I had to remain calm because Dad was going to call me, it sounded like I was in a tunnel when I heard the conversation. I remember in the summer taking the trip to the city, his appointment with the oncologist, the MRI, his name going on the experimental cancer treatment list at number 3,147. The number still etched in my brain so many years later. How could this be? It’s not possible how can his remission only last 3 months?! Well the answer came back after my Dad’s amazing Dr asked the same questions I had. There was a spot on the MRI that was missed, and just like that my world plunged into the depths of despair. My Dad was proactive and said he’ll just do chemo again and then was told by his the cancer clinic he wasn’t a candidate for a second treatment regimen. Luckily his Dr didn’t expect that so she called in favours and pulled strings, and got him to another hospital in another province. I thank God for her strength and tenacity because she gave him one more Christmas with his family. I will forever be grateful that she did that for us all . We weren’t ready to say goodbye, we never ever would be. I spent that last Christmas and nearly a month with my Dad and step Mom until he was hospitalized again. It was the scariest thing to wake up and know this was the beginning of the end for my one and only Dad. And when I was told there was no hope, I battled back and said no one could put a sentence on the power of the human spirit. That next month I spent as much time on the phone with my Dad as I lived away from him. He had his phone always busy with all six of his children. That phone call I was praying never would come, and yet it did. My Dad had taken a turn for the worst. So back we went in the frigid winter to visit for one last time. We had four days with him and he got to spend time with all his family. His brother, nephew, and his fiancΓ©e made the trip, and the phone never stopped ringing in his room. I remember seeing this beautiful painting on the wall of this hospice room. A garden overflowing with flowers and a white archway beckoning you in. I looked at the picture and saw its beauty, and I grew more angry and disillusioned looking into this heaven like image. I wanted my Dad to not go gentle into that good night. Please just rage, rage, against the dying of the light. Here I quote one of my all time favourite poems by Dynan Thomas. Who wrote this work of poetic art when his own Father was dying. I was there when the pain became too much as this monster cancer grew and took over my Dad’s body. The nurse administered a subcutaneous pain patch and then later a PSP morphine pump. I watched and I prayed and I held my Dad’s hand all day. Then one by one my siblings were there each taking their turn to say their goodbyes. The worst sound I’ve ever heard is when the morphine medication empties. The excruciating sound of the alarm still rings in my ears to this day. As we were all exhausted and numb with impending grief we slept where we dropped. I took my uncle and my nephew to my in laws home. I couldn’t have them sleeping standing up as my Dad would’ve said. I don’t remember sleeping that night, but there I was running in my dream. Running blind, running scared, wanting to cry, wail, but I didn’t dare wake up a sleeping household. My son hadn’t seen me all day, as I couldn’t leave my Dad’s side. So I got up out of bed and watched my son as he slept and I knew in that moment I would never let him forget his Geedo. The phone call came into the house and my husband answered it. I knew the minute I heard the ring, that this was goodbye. So my husband took my Uncle and my nephew to the hospital as I held my son so tight. I had to explain why I was crying because I couldn’t see my Dad anymore, and I wouldn’t again. And in his profound knowledge he said Geedo is an angel and I would be ok. I’m still in awe of that moment in time when myself as the parent became childlike. And also when I sang at my Dad’s funeral how I felt uplifted in the power of song, and fought through my grief to not lose it. And now as the night has come to a close, cancer has touched my life again As I say goodbye to a dear cousin, who has been taken much to soon. My heart hurts as family we’re all left feeling saddened in this surreal, shocking state. So I implore you hug your loved ones, and never let an opportunity pass by where they don’t know of your love. As God only lends us them for a given time, and will call them home again one day.


Writers quotes Wednesday


This has been my submission to http://silverthreading.com. Check out her creative nature and all the other talent that link up. Smooches. 😘❀️🍁


One liner Wednesday

I thought about the fact that it’s 15 days before Christmas and it brought about this poem.

Why stress, why hurry when all it does is lead to worry.
Why bitch, rant, and moan when it leaves you feeling lost and alone.
Smile, laugh, live and love and know you’re blessed from up above.

This has been my submission to the lovely http://lindaghill.com. Check out her post and all the other talent that links up. Thank you for being here, it fills my heart to the brim. ❀️


The power of the human spirit

Yesterday was a really long day, I had my pupils dilated and I had both my sons home and my husband at work. At my last appointment my optometrist found a cataract, and wanted to examine my eye health further. My appointment was at 9:30 am and my drops were in by 10 am. I stayed there for a 45 minute appointment while the optometrist checked out my eyes. Everything seemed fine is what I was told, except for that pesky cataract. And the fact my prescription changed, and my visions worsened since having my second son. The cataract isn’t affecting my vision is what I’m told, and has been there for awhile. Although at my last eye exam it wasn’t found. I felt very old and vulnerable when it was discovered. And I tried not to cry in front of my 3 year old when I was told…I know I’m classified as an “older Mom” at 41 but I can still pass for being in my 20’s at least I think so anyways. Yesterday while I was home with my dark big sunglasses I resembled Jackie Onassis, but much more vision impaired. I laid on the couch for awhile while my kids watched a movie. I was feeling quite sorry for myself since I couldn’t read, write, or blog and I’m not used to laying around. I returned some texts and messages via auto text and occupied my time by trying to fold laundry. That took me about 2 hours to do since my pupils were the size of coasters! My kids were absolute angels looking after me, my oldest making me a bed on my couch, and my youngest feeding me candy. My husband came home and started making dinner and entertained the kids. He took the Captain to hockey practice while I tried to finish the laundry. After successfully washing and drying a load, I settled down to cuddle and have my little Mad dog read to me. Every story starts and ends the same Once upon a time there was a Mommy and she loved to build Lego with her little boy, the end. It warms my heart that he retains so much, and is so loving in sharing the joy of books with me. I feel so grateful that my whole family helped to pitch in when I wasn’t feeling up to par. It took 9 hours for my vision to return to normal, so by the time I could take of my sunglasses I was celebrating. Later that night I was skimming through my Facebook and saw a friend had posted that her brother needed help so I messaged her back saying I knew someone that could. So I contacted my kindhearted, giving, friend Mel and told her what I needed help with. Mel runs a wonderful organization called Life after Laundry Club. She with a wonderful group of women came up with the concept nearly two years ago this January. I’ve known Mel for a long time and have always appreciated her kindness, her generous heart, and her beautiful smile. She has been my creative church buddy, and my shoulder to cry on when we went through a grief recovery program together. Being empathic I knew I would see great things happen in her life and the lives of others she’s touched. And wow has she ever, along with her team they’ve organized charity events in their community with the Heart and Stroke Foundation, raising funds for their local food bank, and helping out single parent families, or a hard working Mom that needs an extra boost of encouragement with donations of money, gift cards, clothing, and toys. These incredible group of women joined together to give support to each other by organizing community events and giving the proceeds to a willing candidate. And I know if I was still living there I’d be right along beside them helping. I knew that helping out my friend and her family member would be just what these lovely ladies would love to do. So between my friend, Mel, and myself we devised a plan of how to help and the Secret Santa Project was born! Through emails and happy tears everything has been set up and donations will be collected, items bought, and a very grateful man will receive the best Christmas present ever. So after a long day being without proper vision I saw what my day was really all about. It was for me to open up eyes and my heart, and to really see what matters. I’m so grateful to God and my family for the blessings bestowed on us. And my parents have always raised me to give more and receive less, and never miss out on an opportunity to pay it forward. So I ask you dear readers how can you help someone in need? Is it through a donation to a Salvation Army Christmas kettle? Buying an extra bag of groceries for someone in need? Adopting a single parent family and being their Secret Santa? Or buying extra blankets and passing them out to the homeless on a cold winters night? Whatever you can do, it all matters, it all makes a difference. Today I woke up feeling joyful and happy and I could see!!! I’m grateful that I have my precious children, my loving, hard working husband, a beautiful home, and food in my pantry and fridge. There’s so many throughout the world who don’t. So if you can buy a coffee and cookie for someone who needs it, please do. Our hearts grow with each good deed we do. This is how I see the world through my eyes, and I feel blessed by the power of the human spirit.

I want to thank Mel for her kindness and generosity. And her Life after Laundry Club for uniting their hearts and minds towards a common goal of helping others. And for inspiring me to do better, act better, and be better. ❀️



One of my favourite things to do is read. I love to see and feel the words coming to life in my mind. Reading has always been an escape for me when I felt the world didn’t understand me. I was never judged in my books, I could always cheer for the under dog instead of being one. What a powerful experience that was! It made me feel invincible reading about the character Anne in Anne of Green Gables. All she experienced being an orphan and adopted by the first family who truly loved her for her extraordinary self. I related to Joe in the Little Women series with her spunk and go get them attitude. My life became better and more beautiful in the pages of my books. The adventures I took with Nancy Drew and the Hardy boys brought me great delight. I lived vicariously through their adventures, meeting their characters, and feeling fear and exhilaration as they battered their villains. The first time my beloved Mama read to me I felt such joy as her voice filled my mind, with her descriptive words and inflection in her tone. She had such a gift with words, she made books come to life for me. I remember when I was in Grade one and Mrs. Bossio gave me my first Dick and Jane book. It was like a part of my heart opened up and I fell in love with the written word. I read voraciously after that anything I could get my hands on. Books lead to series and series led to volumes of the encyclopedia. I was enthralled and I couldn’t get enough of anything in print. I started a collection of Archie comic books and I became one of the Riverdale gang. As well as I have always been able to read people as a gift, learning to read was a greater one. I knew I could do anything inside my books no anger, fear, worry, or loss could hold me back. My Mom saw my love grow more and more, so my book collection grew. She had said I was like her, and my Gram fed her habit with reading chapter books, poetry, and the classics like Dickens, Twain, and Shakespeare. I remember reading The Diary of Anne Frank. I saw the beauty and love of family as well as evil personified. I was so heartbroken when Anne didn’t survive the concentration camp. I also knew that was the outcome of war, and what a gift it has been that her words live on through her. With her belief in the power of love, strength, and forgiveness. Like my Gram did for my Mom, and my Mom did for her children, I’ve passed on the gift of reading to my children. My Captain will read chapter books like they’re going out of style. He loves the Diary of a Wimpy kid series and has recently started reading Captain Underpants. My Mad dog will bring me a basket of books each day, and will sit beside me and say Once upon a time and he’ll weave a story together of his own creation. I’ve started our Christmas gifts early this year as I’ve done the 25 days of reading. Each night my sons take turns and open one book to share. We cuddle up on the bed and my Captain and I take turns reading to his brother. And then I read something to them. We’ve taken adventures in fairy tales, climbed mountains in Tibet with Rin Tin Tin, and sailed on the ill fated Titanic. The gift of reading is one I’m so happy to share with my children. And I look for ways to help my Captain be a more confident reader in school. He loves getting lost in books like me, but hesitates with reading out loud. My favourite part of my day is story time when I see my Captain reading to his brother. It fills my heart with such love and pride, knowing they will pass along this gift to their children one day. With each passing moment in my own life when I read and write I feel my Mom living through my thoughts, words, and feelings. And when I have that power of print it’s like she’s never really gone and her heart lives on through me and my children.

This has been my submission to the amazing Ash of http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com and the prompt was the word read. Please check out what Ash had to say and all the other talent who link up. Thank you my dear readers for sharing your love of reading my blog. 😊



It is a gift to stay in the present. My mind tends to wander to the what if scenarios in life. What if I sleep in and my son’s late for school, what if I stay up late and sabotage my tomorrow, what if I really stopped caring what people thought about me and my parenting. Staying in the present is something I’ve struggled with all my life. I was the empathic child that worried about everything. Than I became worried about my worrying. I could see and feel the thoughts that weren’t being said. And that made it difficult for me as I believed the truth even when it wasn’t being spoken. So many times I remember hearing “don’t worry your pretty little head about it!” Well if I had stayed in the present I wouldn’t need to be reminded of that. What does going against the grain of living outside the present give me? What’s my payoff? Am I treated better or worse, or is it just a way of life for me that feels like home? Questions and questions till the end of time plague my mind. I’ve realized that those beautiful present moments are the most precious ones I’ll ever have. Love and hugs from my children, smiles and laughter from my friends, and that soft tender embrace while I’m crying in my dear husbands arms. I recently received some upsetting news concerning my health. As hard as it was I had to stay in the present moment. I had to hear what the optometrist was telling me, take her advice, be proactive and get the tests done. I had to hold myself together and not cry in front of my son, while I was being told not to worry. As much as I wanted to pack a bag and run away I stood strong and faced my fear. I have no control over this health condition, genetics are what they are, and realizing that in the present will help make my future better. So will I always worry, well that’s like l asking if the sun will come out tomorrow. I will be proactive and deal with the things I can control, and let go of the things I can’t. I will give myself that grace, opportunity, to self reflect and decide what’s really a future worry or a present moment. I owe that to myself, my family, and my friends to not be what iffing myself into a constant state of anxiety and agitation. So now I take a deep breath in and exhale the fear and inhale the truth. Very wise and wonderful advice from my dear friend Amber. And the more time I spend in the present, the more in control of my destiny I am. So I will give myself that beautiful gift of presence, power, and positivity in the present.

This has been my submission to the lovely http://lindaghill.com for Saturday’s Stream of Consciousness who’s presently on vacation. The prompt was the word present, chosen by her friend Helen. Check out hers and all the other talent that link up. Thank you. 😊



Fridays Feats and Fails

Well this week went by in a blur, there was hockey, theatre practices, a parent council meeting, and very little sleep. So here I am doing a very late post, that’s really how I roll lately. So let’s chat about it shall we?


I had a busy weekend with my Captains hockey and theatre practice. I was able to spend the Sunday morning in bed. I got the family ready and out the door for a game and I hopped back into bed. I got some laundry folded, blogging done, returned some emails and texted my lovely Mom friends. ❀️


Even though I was kept busy I barely slept. My son, my poor little Mad dog is back to snoring and usually when that happens his sleep apnea affects him. I fall asleep listening to him on the monitor and after he snores he usually stops breathing. The gluten free or low gluten diet and medication regimen isn’t working like I had thought it would. It’s so disheartening to me so I have to get him more blood work done. This isn’t easy with a sensory condition. A lot of time I struggle with just getting him out the door to pick up his brother for school. Which is a huge accomplishment five days of week. And any additional plans met and finished are the icing on the cake of our week.


I’ve kept up with cleaning the house and laundry and I honestly feel so good about that. I just get too scattered when I see it piling up and my house turning into a clutter zone. I completed 70 blog posts in 70 days. I’m feeling really proud of myself as I started writing as a 30 day goal and I smashed that!!! I spent the Monday hanging out just relaxing with my family. It was so fun to cuddle, watch Christmas movies as the Captain had the day off of school. After a busy weekend with everyone running in different directions we really need that to reconnect.


The sleep deprivation has taken its toll and my fuse has been short. I’ve felt so bad lately like I’ve been a horrible parent. Then my Captain blew up at me and told me I was a horrible Mom and he wanted to live with just his Dad. It crushed my heart, and I realized I can’t help him as much as I wish. What an awful, lonely, desperate feeling that is…. I caught him in a lie, and he exploded on me, and really it wasn’t about the fib it was about his reaction to it. So I know he needs more help than what I can offer with his anxiety. So I signed up for a support group for parents of anxious kids so I can get some helpful advice and meet some other parents.


I had a meeting with the home support society and found out I qualify for respite care. I’ll have day time help with an extra support for when I’m home, and a care giver for my youngest so I can have some me time. My husband and I will also be able to have some we time as well. Wahoo date nights after a 6 month hiatus will be so crucial to the communication in my marriage. I’m looking forward to it, although I’m a little apprehensive. I know my Mad dog is in great hands as he met the respite worker and he fell in love. They played in his room for the 3 hour time frame of the interview. He only came out to reference me once to tell me what toys they were playing with. Usually he won’t let me out of his sight for too long. So I pray that the progress will continue to be positive.


I failed to pass my eye exam today to get my new provincial drivers license. I had to get myself to an optometrist immediately. Thank God that they had a toy room because my little boy was at the end of his patience bucket. I got there for 2:30 and didn’t leave until 4:30 pm. I had all sorts of tests done, some the usual and some new ones. My prescription has changed drastically and a cataract was discovered. I was not prepared to hear that news at all!!! So now I have to get a full medical work up to find out why the drastic change. I was asking my husband to come get Mad dog so I could talk to the optometrist as I was doing my best not to freak out. But he chose not to and I had to remind him that we do indeed have two sons. So the day was really shit tastic and all I wanted to do was run home and curl up in a ball and cry. But I pulled up my big girl panties and got ready for the opening of my pantomime play and carried on to my next adventure.


I was ripped off by a skin care company and I found out the hard way while checking my bank statements. So I ranted, and threatened legal action and got my refund. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT buy anything from the company Dermajuvenate. And if you have, contact them immediately and cancel or your account will get auto ship payments without your knowledge. When something seems to good to be true it generally is. πŸ˜– So I’m considering this both a feat and a fail because I shouldn’t have gotten scammed in the first place!!! These companies prey on women who just want to look good for their age. I will stick with reputable cosmetic companies from now on. My last words to this slimy customer service rep was “karma’s a bitch and you just met her!!!



My Facebook blog page is growing steadily every day. I’m enjoying myself there, and look forward to it being more of a community than just talking to myself. πŸ˜‰ You can check it out here if you wish https://www.facebook.com/jsackmomblog
I’ve been blessed to be featured by another prominent WordPress blog site called http://featuredemagazine.com/freshly-featured/
I went there looking for some new blogs to read and potentially follow, and I found my own. Words alone couldn’t express how I felt seeing my writing along with all the other incredible talent. Elated, exalted, taken to a whole new level of happiness by that wonderful recognition. πŸ˜ƒβ€οΈπŸŽ‰
So that’s my week in a wrap up and I’ve learned an important lesson from this wonderful quote that I treasure.

Life is neither good or bad, it’s the thinking that makes it so.

William Shakespeare

Much love and blessings to you dear readers. 😘



Writers Quotes Wednesdays

I saw this quote and it moved my heart till I felt it was bursting forth from my chest. ❀️ This is my submission to the lovely http://silverthreading.com. Check out her post and all the other talent that link up. Smooches and hugs. 😘




One liner Wednesday

I need to go where the peace is.
Where I can feel like it’s home.
I need to go where the peace is
When I feel all alone.
I need to go where the peace is
When my fears close me in.
I need to go where the peace is.
Instead of counting my sins.

This is my submission to One liner Wednesday from the lovely http://lindaghill.com. Check out what she had to share and all the other awesome talent that link up.


*Image used with permission by the wonderful http://www.bravegirlsclub.com*