5 years of finding myself on WordPress

I was so excited when I saw the announcement achievement from WordPress in my notifications. I should’ve planned something wonderful like a giveaway, a party, maybe even had a glass of bubbly champagne to celebrate. But no I did none of those things, I took a nap instead.

I would like to personally thank 80’s metal music man for being my first follower and loyal reader. Across the pond we found each other’s blogs and maintained that mutual respect for each other. He has helped me feel a little less lonely and misunderstood in this wild and crazy world. That’s my life in a nutshell I sleep less, and nap more. Because “Anna anxiety” doesn’t usually let me rest interrupted as she swings from tree to tree in my monkey brain.

Last night I silenced her as I heard my son creep into my bedroom before the sunrise and says

“Mommy I had a bad dream, can I sleep with you?”

My answer is always the same even though I’m tired and want to stretch out my aching hip and sore back from yesterday’s workout and worry relief session.

“Sure honey crawl into bed and I’ll hold you till you fall asleep.”

This is a Mother’s love that has enveloped my head and heart and led me on a journey to share what our life is like as a special needs family. One that I’ve written so emotionally and candidly about because my truth is the one that I believe in.

It’s led me to connect with people I didn’t think would ever read and share my words. Yet they have and also published me in 4 books and named me a co-author in the current one. I’m now recognized as an author on Amazon and soon to be on Goodreads.

It’s led me to stop playing small and start to live 10 feet tall as I’ve found myself on the precipice of should I or shouldn’t I press that publish button on my blog. I’ve shared, cried, laughed, loved, and bled on this blog. The readers I’ve gained, the followers that stay loyal to me on a platform that hosts a sea of blogs.

Yet here you are 5 years later still reading and sharing my words, and for that I’m eternally and internally grateful. As my love bucket is filled to the brim with my gratitude! The one person I wrote for will always be my beloved Mama. She encouraged me when I was stigmatized and ridiculed by my high school English teacher.

“Jeanine, you’re a dreamer and your writing is utter rubbish. It won’t amount to anything.”

This person even went as far as to say to my sweet Mama to choose a solid career as I wouldn’t make it as a writer. From that day on I didn’t share my writing until that fateful day I wrote my first post here on Jsack”s Mom’s Blog. Here I poured out my heart about what it was like to live with anxiety, struggle with depression, and live with the alphabet soup of neuro developmental diagnoses in my family.

You’ve cheered for me, shared with me, and made me feel like I was the most intelligent and interesting writer in This blogosphere. Even on the days I didn’t believe in myself or my abilities, and the only capable thing I could do was get out of bed, get dressed, and get my kids to school.

Still you remained steadfast and true, reading, supporting, commenting, reblogging, and non judgemental and believing in me. You will never know how much that truly means to me. How can I express to you in this time and space what a gift that is to give?

It’s simple, you saved me, all of you across the world who read my posts, told me how much they touched your heart, and soothed my soul racked with grief, guilt, and insomnia. Understanding me from across the miles better than I understood myself is amazing.

Cheering me on with every stage of my life before and after my sons rare genetic disorder and associated diagnoses of autism, ADHD, anxiety, and mood disorders. You loved and supported my precious sons like they were members of your own family. Your compassion, care and honesty showered my life with love and kindness.

You saved me from myself and the persistent demons of my mind. You inspired me to submit my first essay to a publishing company and rejoiced when I got accepted. I found the resolve to keep on advocating for my sons well being and my own mental health! Long days and nights you stayed with me as I binged on Netflix while stuffing my body with cake and wine to dull the pain.

You celebrated me for all my effort, blood, sweat, and tears when I lost 30 lbs, 15 inches, and a ton of guilt and self loathing. For every step of the way you filled up my patience bucket with kindness, positivity, and encouragement. With that inner strength I absorbed from yours I realized my dream of becoming a university student, and taking my first course of Family Engagement in Research.

Soon I will have my certification as a research trainee who will be able to help families just like my own on their diagnostic journeys. It’s a passion that I’ve come to realize through many years of advocating, fighting, tears shed, and many “white coats I’ve wanted to punch in their throats.”

It’s because of you and unceasing faith in me and my words that I feel blessed beyond belief. As I’ve carved out this career of being a freelance writer and soon to be research assistant and participant on my sons diagnostic journey. There’s been bumps in the roads and when I felt like I was drowning in a pit of despair you my lovely, loyal, readers have carried me through.

For that I thank you, from the deepest depth of my being. I raise my hands, my humble heart and my glass to you. Without you I’m lost in an ocean amongst the ships searching for land. Thank you, bless you and for your friendship and readership.

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