Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

Acting and other lies I tell myself

When I was a little girl I always wanted to be an actress. I remember late night movie watching with my Mom. We loved the classics of Audrey Hepburn, Lauren Bacall, and Marilyn Monroe. I felt happy and safe in that world of film. When I grew older and had opportunities to participate in school plays and Christmas concerts I jumped at the chance. 

 I memorized songs, dialogue, and full scripts for plays. Theatre had always been my first love and I joined a wonderful group and they quickly became my theatre family. I felt so loved and accepted there with my beloved Hope Pact. I sang with such confidence and determination. Then immersed myself into my character enjoying an Irish accent, and learning my lines, songs, while researching the history of my chosen role. 

Life has always been easier when I’m on my stage. I throw myself into the script and I don’t think of any outside influences. Now I still act but I’m in the background singing with a chorus or taking a secondary role. Where did the confidence go, why don’t I sing with grace and passion like I did before? 

Now I feel like I’m really acting avoiding the hurt I feel when someone has wronged me. I don’t lash out I don’t kick ass or take names like my personality would have me do before. I feel but I’m tending to hide the affects of those emotions more. I’ve always been a person who wore their heart on their sleeve. Which is still true but I act like I’m Teflon and things bounce right off of me. 

They don’t though, it’s just this one act play that has become my life of hiding those true thoughts and feelings. Does anyone care about all the tears I cry flooding my fragile ego until it sinks in an ocean of denial? This is my plight one I choose to accept and be proactive to change. Or continue on with acting and wearing those rose coloured glasses that impede my true vision.  The time to be real is now and stop acting like I’m wearing a titanium suit of armour. I will persevere I always do, find my voice again, sing with courage and conviction, and leave the actress on the stage where she belongs. 

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Monday Musings-hiding in plain sight

Life has a way of catching up on you without you realizing. Whether you’ve been eating unhealthy, sleep deprived, or skipping out on daily workouts. All the above has happened to me I’ve been dealing with death, disillusionment, and deadlines. It started out as a way to protect my heart, my family, and just not wanting to deal with the sadness of it all. 
I found it difficult to concentrate on anything so I just kept putting my head down and plowing through life. The late night spent reading, researching, and staring at the moon and asking for answers to life’s mysteries has taken their toll. I had to take a backseat as I felt like my emotions were in the drivers seat. I had to share more than I wanted as I walked away from my business, ignored emails, and my accountability fitness group. I protected myself and put my attention  into my family and my passion and dedication to my theatre group. 

This hasn’t been the first time I put my grief on hold. There’s many times when the pain I felt as an emotional reaction and the empathic aftermath of the grief of others has sent me into a tailspin. You wouldn’t know it to look at me. I got up and got my kids off to school, folding my ever flowing laundry baskets, and made my daily phone calls to family and friends to inform them of the sad news. I had to cut of communication with a family member who’s need for greed was too much for me to bear. Yet I continued to pray that their heart and mind would change. Death doesn’t always bring out the best in people. It’s a rude awakening to see it happening right before my eyes and being powerless to change it. 
Every night for eight shows you’d seen me bright and shining on stage with my cast of our pantomime play. I only told three people how I was really feeling and then dry my tears and put my makeup on and carry on. We had boisterous sold out crowds and small appreciative ones who’s interaction with the pantomime play was as entertaining as the acting itself. 
On our final show I was backstage at intermission and everyone was running around signing each other’s programs and making efforts to keep in touch and it struck me like a thunderbolt, that this was my lifeline. These people, the script, costumes, heart to to heart chats whispering back and forth were my way of divinely grieving. I was honouring my loved one by continuing to live! I had dove headfirst into something that gave me a chance to escape and in the process I was healing my heart. I didn’t realize it until I looked around the room and saw those smiling beautiful faces. It thrilled me to have this ephiphany and I wrote something quickly in my notes so I could cherish this moment for always. Today I share it with you and I hope my words bring you some inspiration about finding your passion in life. Thank you never seems like enough to say so to exude those feelings of gratitude is even more special to me. 
  

  
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Today I link up with #Mondaymusings hosted by Richa Singh and Vidya Sury thank you for having me in your linkup today. 

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Classic

I’ve been reminiscing lately thinking about my childhood and the things I did. I enjoyed staying up late and watching old black and white movies with my Mom. She had insomnia after years of being awake for my Dad’s work shifts and having me as a baby who didn’t sleep very often. It took its toll and she would just stay awake till she fell asleep. I would keep her company on those late nights while everyone would be sleeping. We’d watch classic movies like Citizen Kane, Guess who’s coming to dinner, Gone with wind, Some like it Hot, and all the Shirley Temple movies I could find.

I loved her and wanted to be her when I grew up with her cute little voice, sweet singing, and talented acting. I knew more about Errol Flynn, Clark Gable, Mickey Rooney, and Marilyn Monroe than any other five year old. I followed their lives as well always looking up titles in the library and finding elusive movies and magazine articles to surprise my Mom.

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*Image found on http://www.wickipedia.org*

My favourite actor was a talented man by the name of Jack Carson. I did a book report on him in Grade 3 and my teacher was amazed I even knew he was! I found out he was a fellow Canadian and that made me love him even more. He was always cast in MGM movies as the wise cracking, fun loving, smug character. I would enjoy seeing him in the comedic roles as well as the dramatic ones. I first seen him in a supporting role in 1939 Mr. Smith goes to Washington. My Mom was a fan of James Cagney and when I first laid eyes on Jack I was smitten.

I swear to you that he even resembles my husband with that easy going smile, size, and the only thing different is his slicked back hair compared to my honey’s military cut.

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*Image found on http://www.wickipedia.org*

Jack was your classic actor that had a lot of film roles to his credit but never reached the notoriety of other leading actors of his era. I followed him from 1938’s Carefree, (with Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers), The Saint in New York (with Louise L. Hayward), to 1958’s Cat on a hot tin roof (with Elizabeth Taylor, Paul Newman, and Burl Ives).

The first time I saw Gone with the wind in the late night hours in my living room I was transfixed with the beauty of Scarlet O’hara played by the talented Vivien Leigh. Seeing her co-star Rhett Butler played by the amazing Clark Gable I was mesmerized by his handsomeness and Classic one liner. “Frankly dear I just don’t give a damn.”

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*Image found on http://www.wickipedia.org*

1941’s Citizen Kane fascinated me right from the start as I saw Orson Welles as the triple threat acting, producing, and co-writing the script. His multi talents and the subject matter of the movie of telling the tale of Charles Foster Kane had me mesmerized as a little girl. The curiosity of discovering who or what Rosebud was had me hanging onto the mystery till the very end. A phenomenal actor that took the Oscars by storm when his film was nominated for nine awards. Citizen Kane won best original screenplay written by Welles and my Herman J.Mankiewicz.

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*Image found on http://www.wickipedia.org*

As I got older I developed an appreciation for Marilyn Monroe and started studying her film career. I read all the books written about her and every movie I could find. One of my favorites of hers was 1959’s Some Like it Hot. With Marilyn’s beauty and sweet nature as Sugar the vocalist of the band, and Jack Lemon and Tony Curtis as her pursuers dressed in drag to hide out from the mob they bring this movie to life. With their comedic talents this movie was named in 2000 by the American Film Institute as the greatest American comedy film of all time.

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*Image found on http://www.wickipedia.org*

Sidney Poitier in 1967’s Guess who’s coming to dinner had me enthralled with the subject matter of a interracial and controversial marriage set in the late 60’s. Where it was illegal in most states, at least seventeen of them at the time. Sidney’s strong character paired with the talents of Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn made this one of my top five favorites of that era. It’s the classics that always had me transfixed to the tv whether in black and white or colour, and fondly remembering those precious late nights with my Mom.

This has been my submission to Ash’s http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com. Please check out her Facebook page for anonymous confessions. As well as all the other talent who link up. Thank you. 😘

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