Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❀️

Acting and other lies I tell myself

When I was a little girl I always wanted to be an actress. I remember late night movie watching with my Mom. We loved the classics of Audrey Hepburn, Lauren Bacall, and Marilyn Monroe. I felt happy and safe in that world of film. When I grew older and had opportunities to participate in school plays and Christmas concerts I jumped at the chance. 

 I memorized songs, dialogue, and full scripts for plays. Theatre had always been my first love and I joined a wonderful group and they quickly became my theatre family. I felt so loved and accepted there with my beloved Hope Pact. I sang with such confidence and determination. Then immersed myself into my character enjoying an Irish accent, and learning my lines, songs, while researching the history of my chosen role. 

Life has always been easier when I’m on my stage. I throw myself into the script and I don’t think of any outside influences. Now I still act but I’m in the background singing with a chorus or taking a secondary role. Where did the confidence go, why don’t I sing with grace and passion like I did before? 

Now I feel like I’m really acting avoiding the hurt I feel when someone has wronged me. I don’t lash out I don’t kick ass or take names like my personality would have me do before. I feel but I’m tending to hide the affects of those emotions more. I’ve always been a person who wore their heart on their sleeve. Which is still true but I act like I’m Teflon and things bounce right off of me. 

They don’t though, it’s just this one act play that has become my life of hiding those true thoughts and feelings. Does anyone care about all the tears I cry flooding my fragile ego until it sinks in an ocean of denial? This is my plight one I choose to accept and be proactive to change. Or continue on with acting and wearing those rose coloured glasses that impede my true vision.  The time to be real is now and stop acting like I’m wearing a titanium suit of armour. I will persevere I always do, find my voice again, sing with courage and conviction, and leave the actress on the stage where she belongs. 

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My little box of memories

I like to think I’m a juxtaposition of a person I can be soft and gentle with my words and actions, and tough and hard when I feel I’m wronged. I was raised to be strong, speak my mind, and stand up for myself. My parents recognized a tenacious spirit in me when I was very young. I have been a right fighter most of my life. Now I ask myself do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy? 

As a child I could stay awake for hours on end while my poor Mom was sleep deprived and living on pots of cast iron tea to function. This is when four tea bags are added to a tea pot and left to steep all day. My Dad worked long hours as a logger and he would be up getting ready for his work day at midnight. I would still be wide awake partying in my crib. 

He would come into my room and tell me it was time to go to sleep and I would wail even louder. As I got older his attempts to put me to bed became more futile as I had language and comprehension. I would say “Daddy you just go away and mind your own business!”He would walk out shaking his head and say “that bloody kid is lucky she’s cute!”

These are the memories I store in my memory box in my mind. My parents died awhile ago and pictures I have in my memory bank are all I have left. I rely on my older siblings recounts of my childhood and a box of slides to preserve these precious moments in time. I remember when I was young how much I loved to set up the projector to have a slide show as all the happy times came to life on the white sheet pinned to the wall of the living room. The pictures would paint a lively account of the trips we took, birthday parties, baseball games, weddings, and church events. 

Now I store my memories in a special box that keep on my beside table. Inside are pictures of my loved ones,their funeral Mass cards, poems, prayers, and trinkets that they gave me. I have the first story that I ever wrote with my Mom and the first song I wrote for her. I have my Dad’s pins from Lion’s club that he was proud to be a member of for over 30 years. I have a pair of earrings and necklace set from my Gram and Grandpa that they gave me for my graduation, and a old travel sewing kit of my Grandpa’s from the war.

 Each time someone I love passes on I add to this little box. It helps me perserve the love I have for them and keep them alive in my heart. I take them out from time to time when I’m feeling low and in need of a lift from angel wings. I hold them, absorbing the love, energy, and every precious memory I have of my time with them. I feel comforted through my tears as they overcome me with emotion flooding my thoughts, feelings, and actions. 

This little box is my gift I give to myself to pick me up when I stumble and forget how to fly. 
This is a special keepsake that I can pass down to my children when it’s my time to have the special things I’ve given them to place in that box. I’ve written them letters of how I became their Mom and the joy that they have given me with that privilege. As for now I open that box and lovingly hold those memories close to my heart so I will never forget the people who made me who I am today with their presence in my life. I thank them for the gift of their love, light, and guidance. 
  

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Friday’s Feats and Fails

  
Easter weekend is upon us and I’m excited. I always look forward to Easter and all the fun extravaganza of the Easter bunny’s arrival and seeing my son’s excitement. It’s the only time I allow chocolate before breakfast or even candy for breakfast! Well let’s get to the good stuff have a wonderful Easter. πŸ˜ƒ

FEAT

I had a really relaxing weekend my husband let me sleep in Sunday and then I spent the morning beta reading. Then we switched off and he napped, while the kids played hockey in the backyard and I started a marathon of the Outlander on tv! Oh my gosh I’m so hooked on it I have to start reading the books!!! Oh be still my Celtic heart. ❀️ I was very fortunate to be a guest post on the http://thehappylifeaholic.wordpress.com

She’s an amazing and inspiring woman and I feel blessed that she gave me that honour. You can see my interview here: https://happylifeaholic.wordpress.com/2015/03/24/thl-interview-jeanine-lebsack/ 

And my blog post here:

https://happylifeaholic.wordpress.com/2015/03/24/thl-guest-post-jeanine-lebsack-my-pursuit-of-happiness/
 

  
FAIL

Due to my beta reading I got a little behind on my housework so I had to do a mad scramble before my Mad dog’s birthday party. It was ok though because overflowing laundry baskets can always be stuffed in a closet. πŸ˜‰ My husband helped me by vacuuming and I quickly tidied, organized toys, and bedrooms, and made up the goodie bags. It’s so wonderful when we work as a team, I feel less overwhelmed when I have his support. 

FEAT

My husband and I pulled off a great party for our little four year old. We weren’t sure how well things would go because four of the guests were sick and unable to attend. So the two other kids (brothers) showed up with their Mom. It was a wonderful day as the kids are close in age and my husband and I enjoyed getting to know their Mom. It was a blast while the kids played, snacked, and we had a yummy Thomas cake to dive in. 

 

Our birthday boy and his cake face. 😘❀️


 

This cake was so delicious. πŸ˜‹


FEAT

It’s been a short school week so I’ve got all the laundry baskets folded and put away except for two. I’ve been getting the kids to help me more so I feel better about that. My youngest enjoys helping me, while the oldest grumbles but if wants screen time certain chores have to be done. I was able to have a nice visit with my in-laws as they were just passing through and stayed the night. Once again my house is always at its cleanest an hour before company comes. So we had Chinese food, relaxed and had a few cocktails while the kids entertained us. I took my Captain out of school early and then took him to an appointment to meet the infant and adolescent psychiatrist. He took him for the first half of the visit and then we went in towards the end. My Captain really liked this therapist and said he’d love to go back to see him. He doesn’t think there’s a need for my oldest son to start medication and will write up a report for our paediatrician saying so. I left there feeling like I was on cloud nine finally someone that understood that not every issue in children needs to be medicated. I recognize it’s needed in some cases as well as therapy so I wasn’t completely opposed to it.  Im happy to say that we’ll continue doing what we’re doing with managing his anxiety and getting the school to fill out paperwork to help him with his sensory needs there. 

  
So that brings us to the  weekend of TGIF day so I send you Easter blessings  to you all. Hug your loved ones close, and remember the reason for the season. Thank you for stopping by now it’s time to link up with me and More Than Cheese and Beer and let us know how your week was. 😊🐰🌸🐣

Link up time!

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