Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

Friday’s Feats and Fails

Wahoo it’s the weekend! It’s my favorite day of the week as it’s also my Captain’s best day as he’s much more relaxed when he comes home from school. It’s been a long week that’s felt like more than a month! So I’ll do my best to give you hi-lights and the low lights.

FEAT

As a family we start every Friday out with a movie, popcorn and cuddles. Can you see why it’s my favorite day? I love to hear my kids chatting, making each other laugh, and the things that they come up with to entertain me and each other. I managed to get through a movie without falling asleep and getting both kids to bed. And we were all organized because the Captain had his hockey bag packed and ready to go at the front door. I love that he’s so excited to go play instead of fighting me just to leave the house. 😊

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FAIL

Hockey was a smooth day minus one hiccup. My Mad dog doesn’t want to sit still and with his sensory condition he just can’t unless there’s a IPad game, or something vibrating and flashing to keep his interest. We were sitting in the arena and he was getting antsy and didn’t want anything to do with the bag of toys I brought him. So he was bored and stimming (seeking sensory input). This is when he gets mouthing and biting so as to get instant input. Well he started licking the hand rail and a young girl walked by. I went to grab his hands and lead him away, but that’s no possible when he’s screaming. This girl came up to me and said “he’s licking the pole, I replied yes I know. ” Her response was what’s wrong with your kid?” This stung me right to the core, so I replied “he has a sensory condition, no big deal.” She began to laugh and I told her keep on walking. I didn’t handle it calmly, I tried but it just hit me in the heart.

FEAT

We had a successful hockey weekend, but traveling together always seems to make my kids even more sensory. So I have the laptop charged playing movies, iPad and the V-tab when sharing the laptop isn’t feasible. Mad dog was very successful with his potty training and I’m so proud of his accomplishment. The Captain won both his games and we ended up running into my brother in-law and sister in-law before left a hockey game. It was such an amazing reunion as we hadn’t seen them in seventeen years. Living at the other ends of each province will do that. As well as being hockey parents that will bring you together for the sport, or keep you on the road every weekend away from everyone.

FAIL

Monday was a difficult day I had Dr’s appointments for my kids with a new Pediatrician. Since it was an assessment the visits were lengthy while I answered questionnaires. My husband came with the Captain while I went in with the Mad dog. He was very agitated and didn’t want to have anything to do with the Dr. I had prepared him with a social story and did his OT exercises beforehand. But when he’s uncomfortable it doesn’t matter what I do to accommodate him. He started to get antsy and my husband and I tag teamed off and he took him home, and I took the Captain. This is where it got difficult as the Pediatrician was very thorough and wants Maddox assessed for ASD and OCD. Hearing those letters made my head swim as she read out her report. It was hard to hear and even harder to talk about my Captain and his anger and anxiety issues. He was bored, angry, and disrespectful. And I understood why, it was difficult for both of us. He will be assessed for ADHD and ODD. My heart breaks for my sons having to struggle, but labels and letters equal help for them so I’m accepting that one day at a time. ❤️

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*Image used with permission from http://www.sharingwithshari.com*

FEAT

I heard a brilliant guest speaker at my support group and he talked about the risk factors of addiction. And also how they correlate to an an ADHD diagnosis. This psychologist was so amazing, thorough, and interesting with his approach I was able to see everything I had encountered in my life in the past six years more clearly. My Captain was also able to articulate how he was feeling when I talked to him about getting help for his anger and anxiety. He doesn’t want to be bullied anymore so he won’t wear headphones in the classroom. But he said he’d try them at home, and he wishes he could stop his brain from saying stupid things. I reassured him it’s never his fault, and we all need to be kinder in our family. 💖

FAIL

With all the changes with Dr’s appointments and my stress levels my Mad dog has slipped in his potty training. I blame myself as I’ve been preoccupied with scheduling more appointments, applying for funding, and researching. Life has been topsy turvy with Mercury in retrograde so there’s always a few more curveballs to dodge. I found out I didn’t have health insurance from either province and I was just sick when I was told my Ped Dr visits were $300!!! Of course I had a few family Dr’s visits as well so color me embarrassed. 😳 I also had to apologize for getting frustrated and letting my feelings get the best of me. Luckily the receptionist could see a tired, overwhelmed Mom and they didn’t charge me a cancellation fee. I really appreciated that and assured them I’d be back with my Health insurance.

FEAT

After applying for health insurance for the third time our claim was processed and we got our Heath care numbers to use immediately. And our coverage will be retroactive from October 1 st. All it took was a trip into the city, an understanding insurance agent, and ID and boom problem solved. 😃
So now here we are going into the weekend and it’s hockey time again. I’m way ahead of the game as laundry is all caught up with one load in the dryer to be folded tomorrow. Ha take that laundry you’re my bitch this week. 😉 The Captain’s hockey bag is organized and ready, dishes are washed and floors are vacuumed. Tomorrow I tackle the bathrooms and mopping and fold and put away laundry. It’s amazing what happens when I get an hour or two of extra sleep. I’ve also been taking am electrolyte supplement and drinking two liters of water daily. As well as taking my vitamins, walking, and doing cardio on the treadmill.

So here we are heading into the weekend so we’ll see what adventures are in store for my family and I then. Until next weekend, blessings to you with whatever you’re doing and wherever you’re doing it. 💓

This has been my submission to Ash’s Friday’s Feats and Fails at http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com Please check out how her week went and all the other talent who link up. Smooches to you for being here on my journey. 😘

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This could be heaven, or this could be hell

The floor feels cool on my skin as I lay here with my cheek pressed into it. I’m lying here trying to ground myself, regulate my senses, and to stop the earth from spinning. I go to rise but I can’t move, my tear stained face is stuck to the linoleum so I’ll lay here longer. I’m trying to process everything that was said, all the questions I was asked, how many times I tried to get my son to stop opening the door to escape.

I had a meeting with a new pediatrician and she was assessing my sons for developmental disorders. First my youngest didn’t even want to stay in the office. He was scared and kept running away. He wasn’t interested in the toys or snacks I brought he just wanted to leave. As the meeting went on he felt my energy becoming more and more tense because he was at the point where he was stimming.

So he rolls on the floor seeking sensory input in this tiny office. So I gather him up and bounce him on my knees and encourage to play with some toys. This is the first Ped clinic I’ve seen without toys. The Dr brings in a magnetic wall picture and he plays with that for awhile. With his sensory condition he doesn’t sit still at all and its worst in new situations. He grows bored of the picture and tries to climb up onto the counter. I proceed to pick him up and rock as I would at home. Giving him deep pressure hugs the whole time and whispering I love you you’re safe in his ear over and over again.

My heart is aching as I feel his heart beat like a rapid fire drum solo. My hands are clenched around his back and I’m not letting him go till he’s ready. Then it’s time for the Dr to give him an exam and he won’t let her touch him. So we settle for him sitting on the bed and more he relaxes with a massage and input that his senses are craving. Then my husband arrives and we tag team out, and he takes the littlest home and I take the eldest in for his appointment.

I finish up with the Dr with my youngest information and we start my oldest sons questionnaire. As ten minutes ticks by , I can sense and see his boredom. So I hand him my phone to keep him occupied. He’s slouching and then hunched over building his mine craft world as I’m fully into the questions. Then my battery dies and he’s back to frustration and a loud audible sigh escaped his lips. Well that’s enough for the Dr to say something about his disrespect not being appreciated.

I’m mortified I wonder who is this child and what have you done with mine? My Captain who’s polite, respectful to his elders and obeys authority. Well not today he’s too tired, bored, and frustrated as he has to endure hearing me talking about him. Which always makes me uncomfortable, but if I don’t he won’t get the help he needs. So she starts asking him questions, as he plays with the fidget in his hands keeping him calm and regulated.

He talks about his nightmares, anxiety about new friends turning into enemies, Pokemon cards, and being bullied in his new school. My heart grows heavier with each admission of his truth. I have to hold myself together, as I feel I could crumble like powdery snow on a warm winter day. We reach the end of our appointment and make another for the physical exam. I receive information and paperwork and drive us home. Inside the truck I firmly but gently ask him how he could correct his behavior for his next visit.

He tells me he’s sad all the time, and always does the wrong thing and it’s all his fault. Then the tears start to flow, both his and mine. As he pours out his heart about how he can’t get his brain to stop and then he says the wrong thing. I tell him I understand and I love him, followed by his admonishment that I don’t get it, and no I don’t! I don’t fight or power struggle I just let my silent tears fall down my face. We arrive home in time to quickly get him ready for hockey practice.

I’m grabbing his gear and getting him dressed and he’s yelling and saying he’s tired, he doesn’t want to go, leave me alone etc. If his team didn’t need him for an upcoming tournament I would’ve let him stay home. But I knew he’d feel better after moving, occupational therapy induced exercise, and being with his team mates. After he leaves with his Dad, I set my little one up with a movie. I proceed to close my door and sit on my floor and cry.

So this brings me back to where I am lying, while my tears fall into a puddle on the floor. I’m trying to process it all as the Dr said my sons require further testing for what she suspects is ASD, OCD, ODD, and ADHD. The letters start to swim around in my head as I struggle to lift myself off of the sticky linoleum. I know whatever the outcome is my sons are more than a label put on them. Letters+a label = equals funding. So I’m able to put them into cutting edge programs like Brain Gym, workshops about art therapy, and neurology. And to also cover travel expenses back and forth to appointments.

So that’s a good thing, it’s just hearing the words and applying them to my precious kids doesn’t compute with me. I think back to when my youngest Mad dog (I’m using nicknames I assure you to protect their identities) was called a mystery when I had him assessed last year. He was given the label of Sensory Modulation Disorder (seeker of sensory input). Further testing could be required if I had wished. So here we are today finding out something I’ve known all along and just got confirmation.

I need something desperately to get back the respring in my step. To make me hit the ground running, and onto my next advocating adventure. Something to make me smile, laugh, and feel happy that I’m breathing the God given air into my lungs. But today my super Mom cape is in the dryer and I’m feeling weak and vulnerable. I need to grieve for the regular life I envisioned for my sons.

And as I dry my tears, I know I have my bunker punk family rallying and supporting me. As all those awesome autism and neurotypical parents have given me hope, information, guidance, understanding, and most of all their love. For this support will lead me to taking it one day at a time. While I retrace my thoughts back to my happy place, and get the spring back into my step. 💖

This has been my take on the daily prompt Re-springing your step

Re-springing Your Step

as part of my Blogging 101 assignment. Thank you for being here and sharing my journey. 💗

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*Image used with permission from http://www.simpleeserene.com. Photo found on SubbotinaAnna/shutterstock.com

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