Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

#1000Speak-Building from  Bullying 

I’ve been through a lot in my life but you wouldn’t know it unless you read my blog, or I decided to share with you. I’ve lived my life to be a kind, honest, and caring person. I was taught to be loving and patient even when others were not. I was taught to protect the weak and vulnerable, and cheer for the underdog. I’ve learned to turn the other cheek, and push through the pain and turn it into power. 

When I became a victim of bullying it turned my world upside down. I lived in a very small community so if anyone found out you were doing things outside of this bubble you became local gossip fodder. It wasn’t like I was doing anything wrong I was hanging out with my cousin in a bigger town, going to hockey games, and dating a hockey player. When the kids in my school heard about these things it became a mission to tear me down for having a life outside of my country existence. I can’t even begin to describe what I went through day in and day out with the taunting, teasing, and bullying.

I was only thirteen and the things I had to hear, defend, and ignore about myself were devastating. There was a group of boys and they had a ring leader and he made it his mission to make my life miserable. I wasn’t ugly, mean, ignorant, or self righteous but he was. He had everyone convinced that I was gutter trash and wasn’t worth the kindness of a smile, pat on the back, or acknowledgement for any talent. I was a volleyball player and I was good at my sport. I had all these girls from my grade and one above as my team mates. But no one spoke to me except my coach and my assistant.

If my lead bully saw anyone talking to me then they would suffer his wrath as well. So no one dared incur that, and it was easier to make rude comments or ignore me completely. I still continued to play volleyball and I had a couple friends that would talk to me and be seen in public with me, that were in a grade below me. This disgusting, defeating, behaviour only occurred in my classroom. In between classes I could mix in with the swarm of other kids filling up the hallway to get to their next classes. I enjoyed that anonymity even with however brief it was.  There was this time I went to my locker before gym and had noticed that it  had been tampered with.

Someone had splashed something on it and smeared across the door was the words bitch slut! I was born and raised Catholic so I was the furthest from those derogatory terms. I opened up my locker and saw my binders had all been opened up and papers were everywhere, and my wallet was also missing. I was pissed off and I felt the hot, salty, tears run down my face. My teacher came up behind me and told me to go to the office to report it, so I did. Then I walked out to gym class and in between there and the school was a corridor and I sat there on the steps, trying to process my anger. I had my head in my hands wondering what I was going to do I was ready to cry again, when I felt I was being watched. I looked up and this girl who was a fair weather friend came up to me. She leaned over and said “I saw your locker and it’s too bad that you didn’t get your wallet back, I guess you won’t need this anymore!”

It suddenly clicked in my head that she was responsible as she was holding a picture of my boyfriend in his hockey gear. I flew across the stairs and grabbed her and started punching her in the face. I then grabbed and pushed her into a wall and started banging her face off it. She was frantically trying to fight back but I was possessed with a rage of a thousand moments of being bullied. Classes were ending and people started coming through the corridor. I was still punching and kicking and she began crying and screaming for someone to help her.

Suddenly the principal was there and he was pulling me off of her. He was shocked as well as the school secretary, who always knew me as being kind. This wasn’t the same girl who walked into the school and said good morning to all the staff. In the office, passing them in the hallway, and each of their classrooms. I had attended this school system since Kindergarten so I knew everyone very well. I had to sit in detention with the bitch/thief and she sat there with an ice pack over her eye and glared at me, as we faced each other across the room.

I still wanted to bash her face in as she looked at me smugly as our parents were called to come pick us up. My Dad was working and my Mom didn’t drive, and I refused to go anywhere with my Step Mom so I sat in the office the rest of the day. I had to write out an apology letter to my victim and I was still very angry so I remember wording it as I’m sorry you couldn’t defend yourself after you broke into my locker. I’m sorry that you were such a bitch and I had to kick your ass and I got caught. I was suspended for five days and my Mom sent me to my Grandparents so I could have a break from our community gossip circle jerk.

I welcomed it, attended church, looked after the garden, and helped my Gram with meals. She knew I wasn’t a bad kid I was just tired of being bullied. I just wanted to live my life and not hurt anyone. Enjoy seeing my boyfriend play hockey games, go to his house for homemade Italian meals while his Grandma said “mange, mange your’e too skinny.” While I was at my Grandparents I saw a lot of him. He lived not too far away and he’d walk up and meet me after school. I also went to church and asked God to forgive me for my sins, anger, and bad temper. I was taught by my parents that I didn’t start a fight, but I sure finished one if it was brought to my side of the equation. I didn’t get punished from them as I think they were surprised that their sweet, smiling, studious, daughter finally snapped. The victim that had taken the ignorance, defamation, and horrendous behaviour for a year became the bully.

This is not something I’m proud of but I’m neither ashamed. I feel compassion for that confused, hurt, pissed off, teenager I was. I learned my lesson and today I’m a stronger, capable, and confident adult. I don’t let anyone step on my feelings or crush my spirit. I know when situations and people aren’t good for me as I trust my intuition a lot more. Now knowing my own child had to experience being teased, hit, and bullied, has ignited the fire of that child I was. I’ve advocated with the office administration, his teacher, and have even reprimanded his bully. I will not let the sins of the Mother, visit the son.

I teach both of my son’s to stand up for themselves, don’t instigate the fight, but definitely protect themselves. Now in the school system students use the W.I.T.S. program. The acronym stands for walk away, ignore, talk to someone, seek help. Since my son has been playing hockey he’s more confident in himself. And no one gets away with hitting him, teasing him, or bullying him. I will be that parent on the playground watching and waiting and he knows that I have his back always. My cup of compassion runs over with my children, and I am that Mama bear protecting my cubs. But my patience bucket is empty when it comes to bullies, their lack of intelligence, their own self hatred, and fear of not measuring up in society. So I pass down the golden wisdom to my kids that my beloved Mama would always say to me, “love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe.” I’m spending more of my time doing this. It’s so easy to get wrapped up into who we were in the past. The true courage is surviving that, and thriving with that knowledge in the present. ❤️

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A changed heart

Yesterday I picked my son up at school and he was walking towards me crying. Instantly I was on alert to see if he was hurt, asking a ton of questions, checking him for fever. He just got over being sick, so this was his first day back. Through his flowing tears he told me he got teased in gym class. He said he was running laps for his gym teacher. Which were given as punishment for the whole class, because of one yappy kid. So my Captain is running his laps and this other kid comes up to him and calls him weird. So the conversation followed like this.

Bully- “You’re weird!”
My son-” just go away,”
Bully- ” no you’re weird, and your hair’s weird.”

So if you’ve been following along with the bullying topic on my blog, this is the fifth kid and the sixth incident to happen. With further questioning I found out this bully has hit my son before, over a Pokemon game he was watching. In nearly 2 months of school the Captain has been pushed, stepped on, hit, poked, and teased by students in his grade and younger. The school will not recognize this as bullying but as a problem nonetheless. I stated I don’t agree, my definition of bullying is any attempt to make someone feel less than, small, insignificant, and insecure in their mind and heart. The school will only call it bullying if it’s consistent and from the same individual or group. Now I have my child who’s suffering having nightmares, belittling himself constantly, and blowing up like a volcano when he can’t handle everyday life at home. This is not how he’s being raised to be cruel, heartless, mean, and unforgiving. I teach him he is strong, resilient, kind, loving, and God’s child as well as mine. The school thinks giving students who are a problem (bullies) community service is going to help. It’s going to teach a lot of them to be a better bully and not get caught. Tomorrow is Halloween and my sons class is going to have a little party. Everyone will be in their Halloween costumes and my son is afraid to go to school. He’s afraid to wear his costume because he might get teased. I kept him home today he was up must of the night crying, tossing and turning in his nightmare world. I phoned the school explained what had happened and demanded a meeting. This school is huge, overflowing at it’s seams and my son is one of many. But I will not let him be treated like he’s just some insignificant nobody, regardless of the population. This school, these people, these bullies are changing my sons heart. And they do not see, feel, or know what anxiety and sadness they’re contributing too. Before this move he was happy to go to school, make friends, experience new things and love to learn. Now his teacher thinks he needs social cueing as a result of all these difficulties. I assure you my son from the age of 2, has been able to converse with people articulately and efficiently. He doesn’t need social cueing he needs to go to school and feel safe!!! He will only take so much abuse and then he will blow his top like a proverbial volcano. I know this to be true, as I’ve seen it when he’s pushed to the brink. So God help the next kid that picks on him. My Captain has been afraid to get into trouble for defending himself. But he’s given permission from my husband and I to do exactly that. This bullying has changed my sons heart, mind, and spirit. And I have to change it back before it’s too late…..

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Mama bear and my cub

I just don’t know what to do anymore. My heart’s breaking I can’t send my son to school without someone picking on him. 💔 I want to scream, rage, and hurt anyone who hurts my child. What is it with this world today is there any sympathy, kindness, and caring anymore? Is this the generation that will take the world by storm with their ideas, intelligence, and activism? My son was literally attacked on the playground today. It was something so ridiculous as a dropped Pokemon card on the ground, he picked it up and looked around for the owner, and this kid came up to him and just lost it!!! Now my son he did the right thing used his WITS (walk away, ignore, seek help, talk to someone) and the bully got in trouble. But is this where it ends? I have to hold back the tears when I hug my son, when he tells me “Mom I’m so sick of being bullied.” So I’ve been proactive contacted the school, talked to the administration and have had to hurry up and wait for results. I’m not patient anymore I’m really, really angry and frustrated. My son didn’t even want me to say anything because he said he took care of it. Now he thinks he’s being targeted, because he has gone to the people that are supposed to protect him at school. I don’t know what to think because this is the 4 th and different kid. Where’s the accountability, the respect for the child being victimized, where’s the empathy? I’m told there’s going to be a program in the school dealing with empathy, caring, kindness. It’s supposed to be targeted towards my sons age group. But no start date, no information, just more placating to me, the parent. I can’t even pull my boy out of school and find him somewhere else to go. The city I live in has attendance areas and I have to live in a certain area to qualify to attend another school. My son won’t fight back he’s afraid of getting into trouble. But yet there these kids at his school that are just coming up and hitting him. Physically laying there hands on my child!!! My son who I’ve watched grow, learn, discover, and play in the world. My darling boy who loves to entertain with a song, dance, telling a joke. He’s always been well liked and didn’t have this magnitude of problems at his previous school. Except one incident and that was taken care of immediately. One bully, one principal told, and one vice principal took care of it. That one incident changed my son, he became anxious, easily angered, and so insecure. I worked so hard to help him and bring back that happy boy who easily smiles, loves spending time with his family, and who has a wicked slap shot. He was starting to come back to his old self and then he started school and it’s starting to unravel…. I feel so helpless and pissed off at the same time. I’m crying in one moment and screaming and venting into the next. This is a side of me that feels so twisted up and ugly. A side I’d never show to my son’s, a side that scares even me as I rage inside. I want this pain to stop, I want this bullying behaviour to cease all activity. I want this kid to regret the day he ever laid eyes on my son. I want to scare the wrath of God into him, but I won’t and I can’t. The victim or the parent, can’t become the bully. Then there’s no credibility, and the bully ends up being protected because the victim finally fought back. I’m back to the school tomorrow for yet another meeting. This Mama bear is pissed and I will be getting results. Or this school is going to regret the day they ever met me

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Fridays Feats and Fails

Well here am I again writing about my week in review. As I look back now, I wonder how I survived with my sanity intact and didn’t run down the street stark raving mad. 😉

Feat
Well my kids and I got through the first week of school. I’ve been tired and behind on housework. So starting school early in the morning after an early summer break has been exhausting. I’m not complaining though in the province of BC the teachers strike is still on going, and a lot of my friends are starting to homeschool. I was able to meet some new friends at the play group I took my youngest son to. That felt so much better than drowning in my mountain of laundry. What was most shocking was the early snowfall in Alberta. I woke up Monday morning with 2 cm of snow. Now I know that I live in a different climate in a new province, but even the locals were surprised to see the white stuff. ⛄️This 3 day #abstorm became to be known as #snowtember and I cuddled in my blanket fort and drank hot chocolate until the sun came out and melted all the snow. 🌞 ❄️

Fail
On Friday my oldest son came home from school and told me he had the worst day. I inquired as to why and he told me he was bullied. This kid was bored and just decided to start hitting my son with his own hand!!! My son didn’t even have a chance to defend himself. As it had happened so fast and he was in shock. Well since he was bullied before in his previous school, I was very upset. I failed miserably about handing this well. It brought so many of my own feelings of being vulnerable and the victim of bullying. I had to pray on it, and blog about it. I went through the proper channels and spoke to the teacher and vice principal to get the matter resolved. When all I really wanted to do was beat down someone’s door and get answers. But of course I realized this wouldn’t be the appropriate reaction. Hell hath no fury like this Momma bear protecting her child. ❤️

Feat
So I accomplished not beating or berating anyone for this bullying incident. And found it much more powerful to write about it and get those deep, ingrained, feelings out. I’m very honest with my children and I’ve shared stories age appropriately, of how I was bullied. I’ve done some research and found out a lot of great info on http://www.StopABully.ca. And I read a newspaper article from contributor Dave S. Clark, about the Canadian anti-bully awareness organization Promoting Relationships and Eliminating Violence Network. He wrote that the (PREVNet) is currently working on a study that looks at the brain function of youth who have been bullied. It has found that when a youth is bullied, it activates the same part of the brain that’s activates when there’s physical pain in the body. “Their brains are recognizing the pain of bullying with the pain of physical injury.” According to the founder of (PREVNet) Wendy Craig a psychology professor from Queens university. She also states that for youth who step in and support the victim or stand up to the bully, it was discovered the bullying has the same effect on their brain as it did to the victim. So reading this information has blown my mind and now I know why I can’t “get over it.” The bullying I suffered changed who I was…. So as I process this information, I’ve been encouraging my son to write in his feelings journal. And providing lots of encouragement, positive feedback, and plenty of love.💓

Fail
As I’ve been dealing with my sons turmoil of emotions my heart’s been breaking for him. I haven’t told him or let him see me cry. This is all about him, and I will protect him with all the fibre of my being! I love my children with a fierce love, and NO ONE will break them or my bond with them. I’ve hardly slept and I’ve been praying and researching to help work out all this negativity. I’m not the patient Mommy and I owe an apology to my husband, for snapping at him when he just wanted me to come to bed. So not taking care of emotional self as much as my physical self, has resulted in a sleep deprived “Mombie.”

Feat
Here it is a week later, and I went to bed earlier last night out of sheer exhaustion. And for a proverbial night owl like myself that’s a huge accomplishment! I’m being gentle on myself as I’ve been struggling with my little ones sensory issues, and my oldest sons anxiety. It makes my own emotions go into a whirlwind of fear, anxiety, and dread. So I’m meditating, praying, and putting my feelings first. And as a result my sons and I are laughing a little more, and crying a little less. Thats the greatest gift we can give to ourselves. And there’s a powerful force of love in that. So it’s been a messy, tear stained, emotionally charged week, and I’m glad it’s over. Bring on the weekend and the wine and let’s call it day. 💓

Today’s Fridays Feats & Fails brought to you by the beautiful soul http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com. Please check out her awesomeness and all the other fab bloggers who link up. Smooches. 😘

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