Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

Gamble

I’ve been living the life of a gambler. I’ve been running on empty for a long time thinking that I can continue this way. I’ve been going on whiffs of exhaustion and sleep deprivation. Reacting strongly with my emotions and easy trigger finger of blame. I have spent more time looking at a bottom of a wine bottle with only tears and rambling writings to show for it. I have spent nights in overwhelming valley and vacationed at heartbreak hotel. I’ve given my power away only to feel like a shell of my former self. 

I have decided enough is enough since my crazy train has run off the rails. I’m taking a gamble on myself and putting myself on my list of priorities. Self care will be my goal each and everyday. I will exercise to walk, run, move my body to feel good. I will get more rest, even if it’s not a lot of sleep. I will find a routine that works for me. I will have fun again as me not just Mom. Where I can laugh, love, find my hobbies that make me happy. I will be with others who share these common interests. I will begin to create again to draw, paint, scrapbook, and craft with my kids and on my own. Art is the way to my heart’s inspiration, love, and light. 

  
Eating well and maintaining a balanced diet of healthy foods will feed my body and nourish my mind. I will be kind to myself, by putting myself first, seeking guidance from my family and friends, and counselling from my therapist. I will get outside and explore my new town and surroundings. I will bask in the fresh air and the sunshine, and get my hands back in the dirt with my love of gardening. I will seek daily ways to relax, not just when the stress is choking me physically and emotionally. I will not gamble with my health and happiness again. I deserve to be fully, completely, safe and comfortable in my skin. 

 I will participate in my yoga practice, keeping mindful with my deep breathing and my temper. I will put my deepest thoughts that aren’t meant to be published in my journal. I will read to fill my mind with beautiful words, my heart with the longing to write my own words to inspire, and my soul with the love of making those chapters part of my being. And when the world is too much for me to handle I will sink into my loves arms and find my solace and believe in myself again. I vow to make my self care an integral part of me that it won’t be a chore, a list of demands to meet, it will be my gift to me. 

This has been my submission to More Than Cheese and Beer please check out her anonymous Sunday confessions and all the talent who link up. Thank you. ❤️

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Safe

My favourite place at the end of my day is in my husband’s arms. He makes me feel safe, loved, and cherished. We’ve been together a long time it’s hard for me to imagine life before him. There was a time when I didn’t feel safe to give my heart to anyone. I had countless boyfriends cheat on me and still want a relationship with me. That’s not how I operate its loyalty, monogamy, or nothing. I had a very verbally abusive ex who I began to not feel safe with. At first when we were dating everything was great, than that nagging feeling in the back of my thoughts will plague me. As the relationship progressed I thought I could change things when I he became sullen and moody. I wouldn’t talk when he wanted quiet, I wouldn’t talk to anyone when he wanted me by his side. We had one class together in high school and I was intrigued by him. He was a two  years older than me and I wasn’t shy and made friends easily. He liked what he saw in me so we began dating. At first it was new, fun, and exciting then like everything in life the bloom was fading from the rose. He started to show his true colors through his jealousy. I thought that I could change him by changing myself. This became a pattern of my obsession to improve myself. Better hair, makeup, clothes, and becoming fitter. I began to not recognize that person in the mirror as I slept less, ate more, and worked out religiously. In his kind moments that were fleeting, he’d tell me I looked so good I was good enough to eat. I didn’t really know what to think of that, I was 16 years old and never thought of myself as I prey before… It was really bizarre I remember one time hanging out with him and we were in his car. He was kissing and cuddling and watching the luminescent moon over the water. It was beautiful and romantic but it escalated quickly to tugging, pulling, and pinning me down. He wanted much more than I was willing to give. I of course said no loud and clear and he continued to press me further. I felt cornered and I came out fighting and punched him in the face and got out of the car. I started to run but he had my leg and my shoe came off in his hand. It was dark, scary, rocky, and I felt very unsafe. I didn’t know where I was as this was the first time I had been to this area.  I managed to climb up on some rocks while he tried to talk me down. I could smell him and see his thick, shrouded, aura emanating from him as he walked away. He got in his car and he left, roared out of there while I was huddled up on a rock in a skirt and sandals. I stayed up there and prayed for some resolution. These were the days before everyone had cell phones to capture their every move. I knew I couldn’t spend the night there and I was going to be in a lot of trouble because it was way past my curfew. I started to climb down and make my way across the rocks to the road. My feet were so sore and I had developed a blister. I was so scared and longed for the safety of my home and my bed. I trudged on and tried to shield myself from the icy cold wind blowing off the water. All I had to cover myself was my jean jacket. I was dressed to attend a dance which I did that my boyfriend was working at. I continued walking along the road praying that someone safe would find me. Suddenly there was bright lights heading towards me and I continued walking, then the car drove past me and I could hear tires squealing as it headed towards me. I ran as fast as I could and I heard music blaring then dead silence. I wasn’t safe but I knew I needed help. Then I heard my name being called it was my boyfriends friend and he told me he was looking all over for me. He was told I had a bitch fit and ran away. He drove me back home and I talked less and listened more. I felt relieved to be able to escape that debacle. I knew my ex was moody, was used to getting his own way, and every intuitive thought screamed at me to run not walk, away from him. As soon as I arrived home and thanked my ride for rescuing me I sat down and took a hard look at my life. I wrote down five things that I wanted for myself. 

  • 1. I wanted to feel safe. 
  • 2. I wanted to be with someone who loved, respected, and cared about my well being. 
  • 3. I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin. 
  • 4. I needed to take care of myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. 
  • 5. I would never try to change a person again, and pay more attention to my empathic feelings. 

I took this list and then wrote a letter goodbye. I read it to my ex and we parted ways. There was apologies and attempts to win me over with charm and gifts. I looked at the list I had made and stuck to my guns, and didn’t give in. Fast forward twenty-five years in time and I’ve met, fallen in love, and created a life with a wonderful man who is on my list. He’s my soft, safe, place to fall when my world is scary. He loves, respects, and cares about my well being as well as our children. My husband makes me feel comfortable in my skin by showing me he’s comfortable in his. He gives me outlets to take care of myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. And when I’m not he makes sure I get more sleep, flowers, chocolate, dessert, and movie nights for just the two of us. I never try to change him, I just love him for who he is. Sure there are times I wish he’d fold some laundry, but that’s  minor in the long term view of our relationship. He helps me be a better, woman, wife, Mom, and friend. And knowing that he loves all of me, even the scary parts of my personality is a gift. I feel safe in knowing I’m loved and safe with him. 💗

This has been my submission to http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com Sunday confessions. Which I know it’s Thursday now. I wrote and saved it but couldn’t find it till now. Please check out the anonymous confession on Ash’s Facebook page and all the other talent that link up. Thank you. 💕 


 

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Admit

I must admit I should be sleeping as I’ve been up since the ass crack of dawn. I got up and got my kids ready for hockey, so their Dad could take them to the game. I should be sleeping but my time alone is so precious and I have so many things I want to do. Yet here I sit writing to you, and admitting my faults one by one. I stay up late continuously watching and waiting for someone who needs me. I start my days with little sleep and end them with even less. Even if I’m not needed, I admit I love the feeling of that quiet time when everyone’s sleeping.

It
‘s my precious sliver of the late night where I do things just for me. I drink wine, I sip tea, I read, write, entertain myself with Facebook. I seek out inspiration, quotes, funny memes, I write about whatever pops into my head or discover a new word prompt. I know I have no right to complain about being tired, yet I do. Is it because I like sabotaging myself or is it that me tone is just too valuable to give up? I don’t really know it could be a combination of things, I like the sound of my own voice, as I sing, and I putter around in my kitchen. I grew up with my Mom doing exactly this midnight was her golden time. I would wake up and hear her sweet voice singing and she’d be making tea. I would feel like I was missing out on something magical, so I’d stay up and watch old black and white classic movies till 4 am. Only to have to 4 hours of sleep and have to rush out the door to catch my bus for school. I may have grown up tired but I look back on those time as beautiful moments in my childhood. Magical moments that only my beloved Mama and I would share. She called me her little night owl and now I have one of my own. When he wakes up and sees me on the couch we snuggle together until he falls back to sleep. I carry him to bed and eventually crawl into my own. I know I should’ve gone to bed earlier and I’ll regret skipping sleep on purpose. I have no one to blame but my own self for my sleep deprivation. Would medication help me sleep? Perhaps but I like feeling like me, even if I’m a groggy, sleepy eyed Mombie in the morning. I know I can always catch up on sleep and I must admit that feels like a blessing. This world that I’ve carved out for myself is a secure one. I know with my youngest son’s sleep apnea, and my oldest son’s reoccurring nightmares I will always be needed at the wee hours of the morning. This is part of being a Mom, living with anxiety, and being that proverbial apple not falling from my Mom’s tree. She grew up with a very military style where she went to bed early, kept her room tidy. Her home was as neat as a pin as that’s how my Grandparents liked it. I think when my Mom grew up she began to rebel. Our home wasn’t always neat and tidy.
We had clean clothes, dishes, and food in the cupboards. We may have had to do a mad dash to clean up quickly when company was expected. But we were always happy. My Mom would help my sister and I make our lunches at night. And get us off to school in the morning and she’d be there at the end of the day to ask how was your school day. This is how I grew up and this is the Mom I am today. And I have to admit that feels pretty wonderful to be here raising and watching my boys grow into men. So if I lose sleep well it’s not the end of the world, I’ll catch up and I’ve adapted. I wasn’t much of a sleeper as a child, and now I live that daily. I will take whatever hours I can get always yearning for more, but for now this isn’t broken. My life works, I fix what’s broken, I repair what’s cracked. Whether that’s my heart or my psyche, I know each day I’m trying and I’m not perfect I’m just real and genuine. So if you’ll excuse me I admit I’m a little tired now since seeing the sunrise. I will enjoy a couple hours of slumber and wake up refreshed and ready to take on the world. 😃

This has been my Sunday confession for the lovely Ash of http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com. Please check out her confession and all the other amazing bloggers that link up. 😘

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