Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

One Liner Wednesday

My son is four and very literal and impressionable. He had an outing with his Dad and after a tear fest insued. I went to see what was the matter and in his choked up sobs this is what he told me. 

Me-“what’s wrong love?”

Son-“I’m sad!

Me-“why?”

Son-“Daddy won’t take me to crazy town….,because we live there!”

*This is our response when asked where anyone is going in our house-to crazy town.* Oh my poor, misunderstood, literal, child it’s tough being four. ❤️

This has been my submission to http://lindaghill.com One liner Wednesday. Please check out her creativity and all the other talent who link up. Thank you. 💓

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These Eyes of Mine

I look at these eyes of mine ,bluer than blue staring back at me from the mirror. The crystal blueness takes me back as I see one tear slipping across my cheek. There’s a vast ocean of pain that these eyes of mine hide. I do my best to deal with it, hide it, and keep it all in until it’s pouring forth like a waterfall of emotion. I think to my past and wonder if I could’ve been better. A better daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. I think of all these roles I played from a young age. I became an aunt at the age of six, and I was quite used to being the youngest child in my family. 

I sat on my Dad’s lap and watched my big brother holding this tiny baby. I had a mixture of emotion as I looked at him. Curiosity, excitement, and yes even jealousy. My Dad had left when I was four I remember it all too well; the crying, shrieking, and red hot anger of my Mom as she chased him out of the house. He was running for his life as she brandished a knife, and I knew this was a women on the edge between sanity and survival. He had pushed her to a breaking point and she had pushed back. My Dad left, ran out of our house and didn’t look back. He took on a new family, responsibilities, and lived in their home. 

I visited every weekend and holidays and this never felt like my home.  I was a guest and nothing more, and I struggled to feel comfortable in my own skin. This wasn’t my Mom, bedroom, or backyard. This was too much newness for a little four year old girl to understand. I didn’t feel like I was special, wanted, or appreciated. I remember attending kindergarten in the fall. I was badly in need of a haircut and it was picture day on Monday. This would be my first and last haircut that my step Mom ever gave me. I couldn’t sit still the bowl on my head was heavy and cumbersome. The hairs tickled my nose and made me sneeze. It was an overstimulatmg sensory experience and everyone just thought I was misbehaving. I was called a brat and left on my own after that. 

I looked in the mirror and saw this ragamuffin hairdo and I cried bitterly the rest of the weekend. My first Kindergarten picture and I looked like I had cut my hair with a butterknife! My Mom was furious and tried to fix it but the damage was done. I couldn’t even smile for that Godforsaken picture. It tore me up inside to look so ridiculous. The taunts, jeers, and stares overwhelmed me. I spent more time hiding or throwing my fists around to avoid any confrontation. I was no stranger to it in fact I welcomed it, then someone knew I was there and mattered. After that hideous haircut I avoided going near a pair of scissors or that stool again. 

Then just like everything that floats around elementary schools and germ warfare I got lice at the age of six. I was horrified and scared about what was happening to me as I scratched my head until it bled. My Mom blamed my Dad, my Dad blamed my Mom and I was sent to stay with my Grandparents for a week. I remember sitting in the purple clawfoot tub as my Gram rubbed pink calamine lotion over my head, neck, and eyebrows. I felt that hot water pouring over me and watching those dead bugs lying in the tub. As they swirled down the drain my tears mixed with the pink liquid as it streamed down my face and into my eyes. It burned a lot, but not as much as my hot humiliation of having contracted the condition anyway. 

These eyes of mine have seen a lot of pain, hidden a lot of lies, and have yet continued to be my windows of truth. These are memories I’ve stored away in the tiny box that I’ve buried in my mind. Then something will trigger it and like Pandora’s ill fated box it will open up again. These emotional scars I wear on my heart threaten to overtake me at times. I watched something tonight about children and what their Father represented to them. Some said pride, confidence, anger, pain, love, and nothing but emptiness because he was gone. This struck a nerve with me. A jangling nerve trigger that was hanging in the balance. And my bluer than blue eyes welled up with tears while I struggled to gain my composure. My children will never know of my pain, they will never experience that uncertainty or need to doubt their existence. They will know only love, guidance, respect, and firmness when discipline is needed. They will know only of my joy and gratitude when they blessed me with their arrival.  They will know that they are and will always be, the key to my heart. ❤️

 

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Friday Feats and Fails 

Hello Friday where have you been? I’ve been searching for you since Monday and couldn’t find you. Whenever you show it up its so wonderful and when you leave I’m so sad. Let’s enjoy the time we have together before another twenty four hour day comes and whisks you away.

FEAT 

I had a great weekend wrap up to my Captain’s hockey season. On the Saturday it was the Dad’s versus the kids game. My husband was the goalie for the kids side. Every time one of them scored he skated to the blue line and high fived them. The Captain loved playing hockey with his Dad, and  I could see and feel his pride. *Sigh* how I love that man with all my heart. ❤️ On Sunday we had a wind up party at the pool. We swam, soaked, dived, played, and slid on the waterslide. It was an absolute blast, I even ran into an old work friend I hadn’t seen in ten years!!!  A great day shared with great company. I can’t wait till the next hockey season. Now onto to decide what the next sport will be. Soccer, baseball, golf, or lacrosse. The choices are endless in the big city!

FAIL

I had to deal with some confusion in regards to my youngest son’s health journey. I applied for finding through my province and received back a letter stating I didn’t have enough medical information. So I contacted my Paediatrician to ask her help. She got very ignorant with me and told me she couldn’t give me a diagnostic letter. I told her I wasn’t asking for that, I was asking for her to write up a letter stating that she made referrals to the children’s hospital. She said she put the referrals in and I needed to be patient and wait and get a diagnostic letter from the neuropsychologists. I responded I don’t want to wait I’m only going to be a case file till the end of May and I’ll have to apply again! She responded with more ignorance and said she could write me up a letter but it’s not covered by my insurance. I just need something that says she’s tested my child and the referrals are going through for more tests. So that will be $100 dollars for two letters ugh I’ve never wanted to throat punch someone so badly before! 😡

FEAT

Ive managed to keep my house fairly clean and get out and enjoy some beautiful spring weather. I also did a meet and greet in town where I didn’t know a soul. I even made some new friends and I went to geocaching three times this week. I love treasure hunting and finding little treasures its so much fun. My kids love it too, especially my youngest as he adds new treasures to his collection. 😊

FAIL

I managed to have ten clean laundry baskets throughout the week so yay me!!! I have four folded, three put away, and three to be folded. I’m totally owned by my bitch laundry. It’s just easier to light a match and walk away. Either that and walk around naked, I’d probably have to invent some creative excuse as to why I was. 😉

I wish I had this sink , I’d spend a lot more time in my laundry room. 😉🍷

FEAT

I was brave this week I stood up for my beliefs and didn’t allow the professionals to dictate to me what I was thinking or saying. I resisted the urge to throat punch bitches, and pushed back when I felt cornered. I crossed my hurdle and started seeing a therapist. I wrote from my heart even though it pained me. It was for the #1000 speak compassion movement called building from bullying. I verbally puked that story out of me as I wrote about my experience of being bullied for a year in high school. I’ve been so fortunate to have it published on the http://www.originalbunkerpunks.com. And my lovely friend bought me a t-shirt to celebrate. I made some new friends and connected with old ones. If you look up in the dictionary for the definition of brave you’ll find my picture. I’ve also been blessed to be nominated for the One Lovely Blog Award from the fabulous https://one mothertoanother.com.  I also guest blogged for https://happylifeaholic.com. My 1000 speak story can be read here 

http://wp.me/p46h5g-kO

My guest post can be read here

https://happylifeaholic.wordpress.com/2015/03/24/thl-guest-post-jeanine-lebsack-my-pursuit-of-happiness/

 

Rocking my new OBP t-shirt. 😃❤️

FAIL

I’ve been fortunate to be co-host this segment Friday’s Feats and Fails recently with the lovely http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com. And my big fail is not getting my link up in time and to share and promote within social media. I have no excuse but to say I got so busy with trying to complete a book review project, planning my Mad dog’s birthday party, and ran out of time and sleep doing all the above!!! I haven’t been a very good sister and I’ve needed to make apologies for that. I’ve judged a friend harshly for the decisions she’s made, and with zero patience left in my bucket I’ve yelled at my kids, husband, and anyone else who pissed me off.😣

FEAT

 I took a personal day on Wednesday and read all day. I of course parented and enjoyed myself immensely. I need to have more days like that. I was reading the sequel anthology to I just want to pee alone. Oh my sides still ache from laughing and my eyes are red and swollen from crying. Funny, touching, hilarious, and a much needed feel good book. You can read my reviews over at Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Special thanks to the awesome http://www.tracyontherocks.com who’s featured in this fabulous book for this wonderful opportunity. Please check out her latest blog post that has the links to all of the lovely Jen Mann books. 😘❤️

 

I want to be in the next group with these amazing, funny, talented, group of writers! I’m fangirl crushing on all of them. ❤️


*Update*

My cousin and her family have been home from the hospital for a week tomorrow. Amazing Grace has been growing well, putting on weight, catching up on sleep, and doing so incredible. Thank you to everyone for sharing/contributing to the Go fund me. All the proceeds will go to providing whatever services, and baby supplies that Grace will needed. And thank you to everyone for all your prayers and support. My family is so grateful for all the kindness bestowed on their precious baby girl. 💖

It’s link up time tell me how your week was. 💞

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One Liner Wednesday 

I’ve been enjoying some spring weather in my part of Canada and on Monday I went out geocaching with my husband and our youngest son. We had a set of stairs to climb and he eagerly conquered the challenge. His Dad and I were following closely behind when he reached the top stair. He turned around and yelled at the top of his lungs

“I’m king of the world !”
This has been my submission to https://Lindaghill.com One Liner Wednesday. Please check out her contribution, as well as all the other talent who link up. Thank you. 💓

  

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Pet

I’ve been thinking a lot about my childhood. Things that made me happy, sad, and comfortable in my own skin. I was born two days after my oldest sisters graduation. My Mom and Dad came home with me from the hospital and my middle sister wanted a baby brother. My Dad did the next best thing and got her a dog. He was a black Labrador Retriever and he was named Bo. What an amazing dog he was by far the best pet I ever had theprivilege to love. We didn’t own him he owned our hearts. I don’t even have a picture of him, and if one exists it’s living on a slide. I was born in the day when film was developed into slides. And I’ve acquired quite a collection from my Dad. My long term goal is to convert them to digital and make copies on CD.  

This isnt my dog , but he sure looks like him. Image found on http://www.321dogs.com

Bo was a truly amazing dog, I grew up with him as he 
was just a puppy when my Dad brought him home. He would let my sister and I dress him up in my brother’s t-shirts, hats, and he even let us put a cigar in his mouth! He loved is and was our other brother with fur. When my parents marriage ended and my Mom, sister, and I went to live somewhere else Bo came with us. My Dad didn’t want to split us up and really that was the kindest thing he could do as I was only four and my heart was broken. Bo was my best friend and allowed me to cry and hug him so tight. His fur would be soaked with my tears and yet there he would stay. He got me through many heartaches in my life breakups, arguments with my family, and feeling lonely. We spent so much time together over the years, and Bo would walk my sister and I to and from the bus stop every day. He was our neighbourhood dog and everyone loved him. He would get us home from school, play, and then go off to do his visiting rounds. He would end up at our neighbours down the road, hanging out with their little dog. Across from our home was a field all the kids in the neighbourhood would get together and play baseball and football down there. It was so much fun to see Bo getting excited and chasing the baseball when it would get hit. And since I was an excited child is always throw my bat, and he’d chase after it and bring it back to the next batter up. I still have that wonder bat, my Lousiville Slugger. 

This is a picture of what my bat looks like. It’s a childs version and it goes with me, wherever I live.

As I got older Bo slowed down a lot more. He got more grey

on his whiskers and the tuft of white fur became grayer as well.  He’d still come to to meet us at the bus stop, but he’d sleep in longer in the mornings. I remember the day I could see him out the bus window as I was coming home. All of us kids would knock on the window and wave at him. Suddenly an image flashed in my head and it was dog’s face with fear in his eyes. When I snapped out of it, I opened up my window and yelled at Bo to go home. He couldn’t hear me and I saw his fear filled face and he disappeared under the wheels. I was just sick and ran to the front and demanded my bus driver let out. He did immediately when he saw the tears starting to form in my eyes. 

This was a traumatic memory for me. I didnt look or speak to my busdriver for a long time after.

I ran to see Bo laying there on the front of our neighbours lawn. His fur was matted with blood and when I hugged him he yelped. I continue to pat his head and pray that he was going to be okay. Soon I was surrounded by a crowd of my friends and my sister and our Mom were there beside me. I listened to Bo’s panting and nuzzled my face into his and felt his soft breath on my cheek. I didn’t want to leave him but my Mom was guiding me away and our neighbour was coming to help attend to our dog brother. 


It was two days before my twelfth birthday and I had to say goodbye to my best friend. This happened thirty years ago and I’ve never forgotten it, not wrote about it till now. A piece of my heart went away with my beloved Bo that day. An amazing dog, brother, and best friend. He was very friendly, socially inept, a great temperament and best family pet I could ever ask for. I haven’t wanted to own a pet since that day. But if I ever do it will be a black Labrador Retriever. My oldest son asked me when he was four, if he could have a puppy or a baby brother. I came through on my end of the bargain, so for now we enjoy our visits with our neighbours dog. It makes me smile when I see my youngest son running up and down the yard with Frankie the daschund. I close my eyes and I can see my beloved Bo running on the rainbow bridge. 

This has been my submission to https://lindaghill.com SOCS please check out hers and all the other talent that link up. Thank you for stopping by today. 💓

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Fridays Feats and Fails

It’s Friday one day closer to the weekend and wow what a week it’s been!!! I’m excited to share it with you. So let’s get to it shall we? I’m so happy and honoured to be co-hosting Friday’s Feats and Fails with the awesome Ash from http://www.morethancheeseandbeer. This is a new adventure for me so I feel giddy with excitement. 😃🎉💃

FEAT-Amazing Grace

My beautiful cousin brought her baby into the world and I haven’t stopped crying since! Amazing Grace was diagnosed in utero as having mosaic triploidy. According to Wikipedia.org research Triploid syndrome is an extremely rare chromosomal disorder. Individuals with triploid syndrome have three of every chromosome, i.e. a total of sixty-nine rather than the normal forty-six chromosomes. There are only sixty recorded cases across the world. Thanks to the research I found on http://www.mommiesofmiracles.com I’m understanding a lot more. These children are blessings, and although there genetically different abled, they are beautiful gifts to the world. 

A Mother’s Love 💗

Amazing Grace was brought into the world on Tues, March. 10 th at 6:04 am she had a healthy delivery and Mom and baby have been doing well. Grace had a defect with her heart diagnosed in utero and no one has known how long she would be earth side. After receiving a heart scan yesterday my cousin was happy to report this morning, that there are NO signs of the defect!!! God is creating miracles for my family daily as Amazing Grace has been defeating the odds against her since her conception. Just yesterday she opened up her eyes for the first time her Uncle held her. Oh and what a beautiful moment that was!  There has been an amazing photographer that has been capturing Grace’s journey with her Mom and Dad. All images are by Love by Krista Evans Photography and she and my cousin have allowed me to share them with you today. 💕

A Father’s Love ❤️

I read all the updates eagerly each moment that my cousin posts them. Today Grace will have a brain scan as she was also diagnosed with agenisus of corpus callosum. According to research from Wikipedia.org (ACC) is a rare birth defect (congenital disorder) in which there is a complete or partial absence of the corpus callosum. It occurs when the corpus callosum, the band of white matter connecting the two hemispheres in the brain, fails to develop normally, typically during pregnancy. 

Amazing Grace is being tested and evaluated in preparation to going home! She’s  classified as a strong baby, despite the disorders and her early arrival of eight days before her due date. The amount of love and prayers that are surrounding Grace and her parents is incredible! Thanks to Krista at Love by Krista Evans Photography 12,000 people have seen my family’s pictures. To me that means that 12,000 people are joining in prayer power! You can view Krista’s amazing body of work here:

https://www.facebook.com/lovebykristaevansphotography


The love, pride, and powerful energy emanating from this family fills my heart to the brim. 💖

FAIL

I’ve been keeping as positive as I can considering how precious life really is. And my own son has to undergo genetic testing for Fragile X and ASD. According to Wikipedia.org Fragile X  is a genetic syndrome. Nearly half of all children with fragile X syndrome meet the criteria for a diagnosis of autism.[1] It is an inherited cause of intellectual disability especially among boys. It results in a spectrum of intellectual disabilities ranging from mild to severe as well as physical characteristics. I’ve had my moments when I’ve dissolved into tears, yelled, cursed, and locked myself away in my pity party of one.

My incredible family has shown me I can have those moments but I just can’t unpack and live there. So other than not cleaning since last weekend, not keeping up with folding my laundry as that relentless bitch is owning me. I’ve been enjoying the sunshine, adventuring with my kids, and counting my blessings. And really appreciating the miracles in life like Amazing Grace’s journey with her phenomenal parents. The strength they’ve shown has been remarkable. In my cousins words to prepare for a life half way through pregnancy, then a possible death, back to preparing for her baby’s life is an extraordinary blessing. I know God will continue to watch over and bless them as they are all miracles of the heart.  💞

Amazing Grace.💖

FEAT

My Captain’s hockey play off round ended for him last Saturday. It was a disappointing loss with some questionable referee calls that ended in a 2-1 loss. It was an exciting game, but I’ll be honest and say this part of being a hockey Mom really sucks. It was so hard to see those disappointed expressions on those sweet children’s faces. They played a great game though and they still have their practices, parents against the kids game, and windup party to look forward too. It was Father son time the next day as my husband took our Captain to work. They both looked so handsome as they dressed up in a shirt and tie. I haven’t seen my son dressed up since his first communion last year. It struck me how fast he’s growing up! I’m so proud of his accomplishments on and off the ice. ❤️

I have so much pride for my Captain and his team. 😃

We also had a major accomplishment as my little Mad dog and I attended the play group specifically for children with special needs. He loved it there as it was fun and manageable with a small group of kids. The most touching moment was when my son thanked me for his happy. I was in awe of him and his gift of understanding in the moment. After the group we attended the indoor playground and he did very well being around more children and some noise. We were both happy to nap when we got home. 😴

“Thank you for my happy Mommy.”

So here we are back to Friday and since our Netflix is M.I.A. due to Mad dog resetting all the information we’ll be watching movies. My wonderful husband picked up Night at the Museum for family movie night and Mocking Jay Part 1 for after they go to bed. Thank you for being here today and please check out everyone else’s post who links up today. 💕

That’s my Friday’s Feats and Fails how’s your week been?

This is going to be an amazing weekend of watching the currents and the classics. 😃🎉


It’s link up time! Don’t mind the HTML code I couldn’t convert it back to text just click on the link below that say inlinkz. 😉

<!– start InLinkz script –>

//static.inlinkz.com/cs2.js?v=116
<!– end InLinkz script –>

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Friday Feats and Fails

Wow what a week it’s been, hard to believe it’s almost March! I for one am glad that spring is around the corner. February being the shortest amount of days on the calendar sure feels like the longest month of the year. My parents both passed away in this month. So there’s always that pull of my heart towards connecting with them again. I worked on something that I’m happy to share with you today. So let’s gets to the details and then the fun stuff after. 


FEAT

Hockey fills my weekends so I was able to attend both of my Captains games and they won! The first one was an 8-5 victory and the second was a come from behind win of 4-3. That game was so exciting, the score was tied 2-2 in the second period and then the opposing team scored in the beginning of the third. There was a breakaway and my son’s team mate scores  to tie it up. With some bad bounces it looked like the opposing team might just win, as our team was short handed with a player in the penalty box. With only 15 seconds left in the period our team scores to lead 4-3 with a win. Now it’s semi finals this weekend so I’ll be cheering and wearing my team jersey. Proud hockey Mom in the house!!!

FAIL

My husband went away on business so no one slept well in the household. Without enough sleep we’re like a bunch of toddlers being short tempered with one another. We had a particularly rough morning as my Captain slept in and refused to go to school. So I took him to a councillor to discuss his anger. I didn’t want to argue anymore so we went down to the office and was told they were booked. I said how is that possible you just opened? I didn’t receive a lot of help so I got very vocal and demanded I see someone that day. The worst thing is to turn away someone who’s struggling and tell them to come back the next day and still don’t offer any help. 

FEAT

I really didn’t want my kids to see me get upset but I compared my experience to a car who was running on empty without enough gas in their tank. They understood why I fought so hard for them. I’m always the squeaky wheel getting the grease, and my Dad always said I missed my calling to be a lawyer; on the account I like to argue. I did push to get seen and then an appointment opened up for later that afternoon. 

FAIL

Lack of sleep, is equal to lack of patience and zero desire to clean and organize my home. So the laundry piled up, as well as scrubbing and cleaning. My husband came home and the upstairs was clean minus bathrooms I need to sanitize. I pulled out the couch and discovered a multitude of sins hiding there. So I will be inspired to tackle the rest after hockey. 

FEAT

I’m so proud and happy that a story I wrote got published on the Original Bunker Punk site. As well as being chosen for the #1000 speak compassion movement!!! You can check out my story here. 

 http://originalbunkerpunks.wix.com/originalbunkerpunks#!A-Cup-of-Kindness-by-Jeanine-Lebsack/c1kod/15FA560B-DFDA-420F-AC08-901D7D8D502E

FAIL

I scheduled an appointment for both the Captain and I to talk with a therapist. I’m glad I took that step because we both have been locked in a power struggle and needed some intervention. Mad dog was enjoying playing with the toys and was quite upset to have to leave. He grabbed a box and ended up ripping it, and biting me. It really sucked as I had to pick him up screaming and leave the office. I handled it the best I could but it’s been a very long week and I cried as soon as I got home. While I was preparing dinner my kids went outside to look at the stars. It warmed my heart to know even with a rocky start to our day, we could end it on a positive note. 

FEAT 

I joined this blogging challenge group and I was able to stretch out of my comfort zones with my first assignment. It was a lot of fun and getting some positive feedback on it. You can check it out here. 

http://youtu.be/AA6Yf5SqlmM
I find the more new things I try the better I feel. I have people that ask me how I manage with little sleep, a lot of busy ness, and children who have some special needs. I just don’t think about it, I just do it. And little challenges that push me to see what I’m made of as a writer and entertainer feed my soul. 

FAIL

We had Dr’s appointments scheduled this week and there’s never a fun outing. The Captain had a physical to do and I had to talk him into going. I got chastised for bringing his little brother to the appointment. I told her I didn’t have people, my husband was away on business, and I didn’t have anywhere to take him. I only get respite once a week and it’s so I can have a break. She explained she just couldn’t do a consult with having my youngest there, I told her I understood but where was a supposed to put him on my roof? Professionals just don’t get it, even if they have children. I don’t have babysitters lined up to look after my children whenever I need them. Plus I need to find someone who’s qualified to deal with my Mad dog when he gets sensory overloaded. 

FEAT

I have managed to keep up with my blogging challenge group as well as my Writing 101-Poetry challenge. Emotionally I’ve been detached because I’ve needed to really focus mentally on not sinking into a self induced depression. Missing my parents and there influence in my life is something I have always struggled with. I just keep trying to build that new “normal” around my heart. I actually despise that word and I write some poetry and completed this blogging challenge assignment. You can check it out here. 

http://youtu.be/ZYAiSVZHZbA


And here we are at the end of the week going into the semi finals with hockey, Dr’s and therapists scheduled into the fabric of our lives. Now time to have some fun, prepare for adventures, and start jumping over those obstacles one at a time. Onward and upward my friends, until our next story needs to be written enjoy your weekend. Smooches. 😘

This has been my submission to Ash’s Friday’s Feats and Fails of http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com. Check out her week and all the other talent that link up. 

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Writer’s Quote Wednesday

I love to take walks down by the river where I teach the fine art of skipping stones to my kids. As we enjoy the sun shining and the peace and tranquility of the sounds of skipping and splashing, this poem came to be.

IMG_3959

This has been my submission to https://silverthreading.com for Writer’s Quotes Wednesday. Please check out how she inspires me, and all the other talent that link up. Thank you. 💓

IMG_2941

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Before

I’m sitting here trying to think about how my life was before mental health disorders became an issue. I remember being very young and watching scary episodes in my family play out before my eyes. I was scared and sensed there was danger so I just stayed clear and pretended I was sleeping while chaos ensued around me.

I had an interesting childhood, a very loving and devoted Mom and five siblings. Four of them were a lot older than me, and graduated or were in high school when I was born. My parents had a loving marriage before reality crashed in and my Dad found someone else. That time in my life was heart breaking and unpredictable, as I was sent to stay with my Dad and his new family that belonged to his girlfriend. I seen and heard things I didn’t want to know about.

Alcoholism was predominant in my family tree at that time. So I saw adults behaving badly fighting, cursing, and other drunken behavior. I never saw that with my Mom. She was very religious, honored God, and we went to church every Sunday with her. Every second weekend I would be in the middle of these drunken debauchery nights and feel so confused. I would wake up on the Sunday and there would be no church.

At first the thought of sleeping in was exciting to me but there was always work, and plenty of it. My Dad was raised to believe that idle hands were the Devils workshop. So if he had to work then so did his kids. We had chores to help out with the household and other outside ones. My favorite thing to do was help my Dad in the garage working on his logging truck.

I would spend hours with him cleaning the cab, greasing the axles, and operating the tire gun. I loved those times because we would talk and the stereo would be blasting Charlie Pride, Conway Twitty, and George Jones. He loved the old classic country and I would entertain him with my singing and dancing to Glen Campbell’s Rhinestone Cowboy.

I was only four when my parents separated and I was your proverbial people pleaser, trying to make them both happy. My Mom’s heart was broken as she tried to pick up the pieces of her failed marriage and move on and raise my sister and I. I was her friend and confidant helping her through and remaining loyal and steadfast. She suffered from anxiety and depression throughout my whole life.

I always prayed to God to give me a magic wand like the a fairy Godmother in Cinderella, and make her fears disappear. My Dad had told me he just wanted to be happy so he chose a different life with a different family. This was something that was very difficult for me to except, but I really tried for my Dad’s sake. I think this is where these adult situations gave birth to my anxiety. A monkey on my back today that I still have to control.

I never planned on having to make everyone happy, but somehow I felt like it was my job. What was life like before my parents separated? I have no clue, I was too young to remember. I have a few memories and some involved traveling , visit my Grandparents, and meeting lots of different people. My Dad and his girlfriend were in the process of building a house so there was always people coming and going. My brothers helped with the construction, my brother in-law with the electrical wiring, concrete mixers and painters.

I still remember placing my hands and carving my initials in the cement. Before I knew what divorce meant at five, I was a product of it. My parents never officially did that paperwork, it just felt the same as if they did. My Dad never did remarry as my Mom wouldn’t grant him a divorce. Yet they both moved on, my Mom found solace with raising us and being devoted to her church.

My Dad worked a lot and took us traveling to the United States. I’ve seen the open skies of Montana, driven Route 66, had my hands, feet, and legs in all four corners, and spent time wishing upon a star in Disneyland. I look back fondly on those family vacations with a smile. My Mom never got amazing trips like this so I always made it a big deal to find her a souvenir. I remember when we would make phone calls home to her, how lonely and sad she sounded. My Mom’s children were her life.

My oldest siblings were old enough to have their own lives and two were living on their own, and two still in high school. So having my middle sister and I filled up that void she felt with the empty nest syndrome. There was happiness coupled up with the confusion, and I spent a lot of time with both sets of Grandparents.

Before I was even six years old I knew what the classic black and white movies were, how to plant and maintain a garden, and every tune of an Irish song lovingly sung by my Mom and Gram. I still remember hearing stories of the old country(Ireland and Scotland) and how my Great Grandparents came over to start a new life after surviving hardships in their countries.

What was their life like before they ventured to take a boat to the new world of New York and later Western Canada? I often pondered this in my head as I read stories of Charles Dickens. I’m grateful for the lessons I learned from my parents discussions of my ancestors. Knowing I come from people that are so resilient, has had me rely a lot more on my intuition then people’s versions of the truth.

This has served me well from the past to my present. Today I work through my own mental health issues and my children’s, keeping mindful of who I was before, and who I am today. That scared little girl who loved to sing and dance grew up to love to write, and express herself authentically. And if there’s anything I learned in my childhood was be true to myself before trying to please others.

This is my Sunday confession to Ash’s http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com. Today’s prompt was the word before and I chose to write about my childhood. Please check out her Sunday confessions on her Facebook page, and all the other talent that link up. Thank you. 😊

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Sadness

I’m so relieved I got through this day. I had two hockey games, six trips back and forth and stressful moments. I was finally home and then I went for a nice walk with my sister. We talked about life, love, and memories of our Dad.

He died six years ago today and I don’t know how that time passed. It felt like it stood still for me for a long time. I hold my breath waiting to exhale and heal from this grief. One thing I know is it takes one day at a time. And with great love comes great sorrow. I wonder who I’ll be without the grief, will I even recognize myself? All I know is I keep on living and being the best me I can be. And with that knowledge I know I honour his memory and heal my heart a little more each time.

So I’m thinking of him and enjoyed a nice dinner with my lovely sister and niece, and we toasted to him and all our wonderful memories. It’s so hard just having the memories to cherish, and not the person to hold. So many days, months, and years have passed and I found myself hanging onto precious moments. As they’re all I have now, which hurts more than having to say goodbye.

I pray I don’t forget his laughter, as he had a belly laugh that started at his toes and lifted you up in love and delight. He could curse a blue streak and smile mischievously, he could whistle a tune of anything he heard on the radio and know it by ear.

He loved with a heart as vast as the ocean and would give his shirt off his back to anyone who needed it. Even if it left him naked, and cold. He loved to be helpful and kind, and it’s from him that I learned to pay it forward regardless if there was any reciprocation. He gave with every ounce of his being and still wanted to give more! He taught me what it was to be a humanitarian and see the big picture of things instead of judgement.

I love, miss, cherish, and admire the man he was and the man he was becoming. Thinking of my Dad inspired this poem. Hugs to you in heaven Dad. I know it’s a better place up there with you in it. ❤️

This has been my submission to
https://lindaghill.files.wordpress.com/2015/02/wp_20150130_009.png for her Saturday Stream of Consciousness. The prompt was the opposite emotion. I chose the opposite of happy and wrote about sadness.

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