Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

I’m not ready to say goodbye

  
When I got the news today my knees hit the floor and I cried with a vengeance. No I screamed in my head you weren’t supposed to die! Someone so loving, giving, caring with the biggest, most beautiful heart wasn’t supposed to leave this earth. Now that you’re gone, I’ve held my children tighter. Knowing that you won’t be physically there to hold yours tears me apart. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I just sent you a message last week telling you how I loved and missed you. 
You drove that stretch of road so many times, for so many different reasons. Why should today be any different? Why would this trip from point A to point B be your last? Life just isn’t fair sometimes, people are born and people will die everyday. But not you, or never should’ve been you. Thinking of you alone and tumbling through the air as your vehicle left the road fills me such heartache I can scarcely breathe. Even now the tears fall silently down my face thinking of my memories of you. 

If I could write a book I would fill it with my thoughts of you. The way your eyes danced when you were mischievous, the way your laughter bubbled out of you with abundant joy. The way you made me feel when you hugged me so tight. How you’d say “Mama we can get through anything, because we’re survivors, it’s what we do!” And I know it’s your words ringing true in my head and heart today. 

I would fill each chapter with your wisdoms, all the times I quoted you for your brilliance. And how when you get so excited and start talking a mile a minute, I would from and I’d say “breathe love, you’re not going anywhere.” I was wrong you always were going somewhere as you filled up your life and love with people who adored you as much as I did. You never said no, or turned anyone away. You’d drive across the province to lend a helping hand, make your kids happy, make life easier for someone else it was your way. Anyone who experienced your love was changed forever. 

Even now I read all the kind and wonderful words people have left behind. They too are mourning your loss. They won’t see your beautiful smile when they walk through the doors of your work. Greeting them with warm hellos and how are you today? Your bosses were blessed to have you as long as they did, and I was so happy that they told you so. You mattered to many, and not only your family mourns you but a whole community does. 

To touch so many lives and hearts for your short time on earth was a gift. You filled my life with sunshine and love. And my children adored you as I do yours. What will happen to them now that they’re gone? They will never have to question your love for them. They felt that in everything you did. From the sweet little nicknames you gave them, to teaching them independence, to your beautiful smile and Mama bear hugs. I pray that they will all stay together to heal in their grief. You etched an imprint on their hearts that will never fade or be replaced by another. You were their North Star guiding them to safe harbour. You were their quiet place when the world was noisy and annoying. 

You were their safety net when others let them down. Who do they follow now that the light has burnt out in your eyes? My answer is no one, you were their light, love, soft heart, their Mother; there will never be another. You were the yin to my yang, and talked me off the ledge plenty of times in that gentle way you had. I still remember the first time we met. How you smiled that mega watt grin and said hello and extended your hand to me. I was new to town and knew no one. You looked at my son in my arms and stroked his cheek and I felt safe with you. You patted his head and said “so blonde, and so beautiful just like his Mama.” And in that instance I fell in love with your kind spirit. 

As our friendship grew stronger my love and admiration for you did too. That moment that you called me by my childhood nickname I was taken aback. I told you I hadn’t heard it since my Mom died how did you know? You said “it just fit, it was perfect it was who you are.” And then I gave you a nickname and I never called you anything but. We bonded over so many things, but the loss of our Mothers affected our whole beings. You knew of that pain of wanting the one and only women we had ever loved and trusted, more than anyone in the world to hold us. You had been a few years into your grief, and I was year into mine. 

You saw the pain in my eyes that I tried to hide from others, but you recognized it instantly as you had your own. I was coming back to town soon and I knew I was going to see you. I was going to pop into your work and surprise you. I knew I could do that because you were never a slave to social media, and how you gently teased me about “my need for my social newsfeed.” I picture the look on your face as you looked up to see who was coming in the door, and how you’d run out and give me the tightest hug. Now I will come back and see you one last time, as my heart is stacked with pain and remorse. I don’t want to say goodbye to you. I’m not ready, prepared, or able to do so. Today when you left the world a small fragment of me went with you. To a place I pray is your happy place. 

We talked about heaven and what you thought was waiting for you there. How you hoped it would have beautiful mountains, lakes and trees that you so dearly loved in your town. I was so sad when I had to leave you behind when I moved away. I wouldn’t have got through those four months of solo parenting while my husband worked away, without you. When I asked your help you told me “I love you and I love your son’s I will help you, we will make this work.” And how my kids loved when you and the girls would come over. The dance parties, games, the singing, and cupcakes. I always seemed to have a never ending supply of happiness when you were around. And after the kids went to bed the copious amounts wine we would drink and the laughs we would have. 

I don’t want to say goodbye to you it’s just too hard to even mouth those words. I’m devastated like your family is, they had you longer so I don’t even feel a right to my feelings. How do they go on without you? When can they speak your name without dissolving into tears like I do? Thinking of not seeing that mischievous grin or hearing infectious laughter makes me want to scream it’s just not right, or fair! Somehow life will go on, people will go to work, kids will go to school, the earth will keep spinning on its axis. Even though I feel it’s all off kilter and imbalanced waiting for you to come back. 

I feel you nearby watching and waiting not able to take your journey to the other side. You remain fixed until you know everyone is ok. This is how you were in life, and I wouldn’t expect anything less from you in death. I’m just not going to get over losing you. There will be a space in my heart that is the shape of you. You were such an amazing friend, sister of my heart, Mother, daughter sister, Aunty, and cousin. There will never be a day where I speak your name and the memories of wonderful you will come flooding back. I hold those close to my heart for that’s all I have left now. Until we meet again my sweet friend, I will keep you and your family in my heart and prayers always. ❤️

 

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My love letter to heaven

Today I’m thinking of a special lady, an angel, my Mom on her birthday. The closer I get to this day the more I feel her around me. I hear her singing when Elvis plays on the radio. She was a huge fan of his, and I was raised with an appreciation of his music. My Mom had a beautiful voice, amazing smile, and deep love and respect for God, and her family and friends. She also had this incredible sense of humour, and could impersonate anyone after spending a few minutes with them. I think back to all the skits she performed for me from Carol Burnett, Wayne and Schuster, and Abbot and Costello. She could also mimic her friends, and she could keep them in stitches with her antics. My Mom brightened up so many peoples days other than my own. With her comedic talent, ability to really listen, and make you feel like you were heard and valued. I always said she had her own fan club as my friends came by our home to talk to her just as much as visiting me. She was so loved, admired, cherished, and appreciated by family and friends alike. She had nicknames for all her children, pets, and Grandchildren and they always made us feel so special. My Mom always had a joke to tell, a pot of tea, and friendly ear to chat. And she was a gifted writer and would write stories, her thoughts, prayers, and jokes. Her and I collaborated on many stories and would take turns starting a story and finishing it. We also sang together the classics from her era, our Irish heritage, and songs from my youth. My Mom was my best friend, and even when dementia robbed her of her memories, she was my greatest gift. I still acted like her memory was all there, because I didn’t want to confuse her. I was more gentle with her, how I held her hand, hugged her, and spoke to her. Sometimes she’d retreat into her mind and I couldn’t reach her. Those were very painful moments as I’d stare into her eyes and wonder where she had gone. And she’d smile and pat my hand, and fall asleep with me cuddled beside her. I adored my Mom, the passion she had, the fire in her anger, and her devotion to her loved ones. She loved my husband and had a special smile and a nickname for him. And when I gave birth to our son and she called him a magnificent living doll. I felt so proud and couldn’t wait to phone her and thank you for being my Mom. Becoming her daughter was my blessing, and I was so excited when she held her Grandson. She knew of my second son, and it was my greatest joy to tell her I was expecting him after a trying time of grief. She’d pat my tummy with her eyes brimming with tears and call him the marvellous one. My Mom had psychic abilities and visions and she never told a lot of people. She had always had strong awareness and knew the instant I had encountered trouble. These were the days before everyone had a smartphone and were instantly reachable. She’d look in my eyes and know if I just had my heart broken, or encountered something scary. I could never hide what I felt, what I wanted to stay, because our connection was deep. And now that connection extends from earth to heaven. And I was told by my wise and wonderful friend, when I’m experiencing my greatest joy, she can come through to me and feel that joy as well. She touched my heart, my spirit, and she was my greatest love. So today I honour her with a kiss to heaven, an Elvis song fest, and a glass of wine. Well who am I kidding? It will be more like a bottle she was a class act! To you Mama, always and forever my love and respect, happy birthday. 

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