Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

Dear Mom, the day I cried when my kettle died

It’s been a rough day with my youngest son who has the SPD (Sensory Processing Disoder) and impending evaluation for ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). Transitions are very difficult for him so I made the mistake this morning by saying “let’s get dressed and go do something fun!” I didn’t use his PECS (Picture Example Communication), a visual tool I use so he can see that’s what we’re going to do. Life has been manageable so I just tried talking about it. Big mistake made there, let’s just add that to my ever growing list shall we?

He wouldn’t get dressed so I helped him. Then I got dressed while he undressed. So I sighed audibly and made breakfast. He refused to eat so I turned on the cartoons and went about my online to do list, running my Facebook page and co-admin four others. I carried on with my updates, checking messages, replying to comments, and I looked up to see my son eating. Well that’s one battle avoided. I decided I would get my breakfast and put on the kettle for tea.    

  
I ate, tidied up the kitchen, and went to make my tea. Then I realized my kettle died. All the stress of the morning came to a head and I cried. I burst into tears, and cried till my throat was raw and snot and tears were pouring down my face. I call that the ugly cry of no return. I lost track of how long I cried, my son found me on the floor huddled up into a ball in the fetal position. My Mom bought me that kettle, and it was last gift she ever gave me. It was a painful moment for me the day my kettle died. For a tea lover like me this is a very sad thing! It’s the last gift my Mom gave to me. And now she flies with the angels so I feel the insatiable desire to write about my pain….

  
 I felt so silly crying over a kettle but it’s the memories I have of her and that kettle. Drinking tea, laughing, loving, and sharing our hearts. I miss her so much, and microwave tea water sucks. I just want to sit with my Mom again and babble, banter, and sing like we used to. It doesn’t matter how old we get we just don’t stop needing our parents! Well I’m speaking for myself, but I’ll never forget the day my brother phoned me. He called my cell phone and asked me why I had answered it. I replied “it’s my phone, it rang, so I answered it.” Bitchtastic morning to you too! 

I may need to mention I’m not a morning person. He was trying to get ahold of my husband who he thought would have the phone. I knew my Mom was gone so I voiced it, and he said yes and assured me my husband was on his way home. What my brother didn’t know was that our Mom came to me in a dream. She reached for my hand and called me by the pet name she had for me, I reached back and woke up. Just in time to see her disappearing into the ethers as my phone rang. There I sat on the edge of my bed rubbing my very pregnant belly. I was eight months along, alone, and devastated. 

  
My husband arrived home and gathered me up in a hug while our oldest child slept through it all. I collapsed into my loves chest and soaked his shirt with my tears. I close my eyes now and see it all replaying like a movie in my head. How did I survive that trauma to my heart, psyche, and soul? I gave birth to my baby a month premature and had to keep living, loving, and raising my children. I don’t know if I survived it so to speak, I just didn’t have a choice. My family needed me to recover, to be me even if I was just a mere grieving shell of myself. As I get closer to Mother’s Day I try to remember that it’s important to put myself on my list of priorities. Taking back the me I once was is a gift to myself, and to my family. 

The only thing I would ask for this Mother’s Day would be the gift of time. Wrapped up in beautiful embossed paper I would find a journal and a beautiful pen to write my thoughts in. Recording those days that are so long with sensory meltdowns, those little conversations my son has with his toys about going to the zoo. Remembering how my oldest son used his problem solving skills, instead of screaming out his pain. A gift certificate to my favourite  restaurant where my husband and I could enjoy a date night with each other’s company. A note from a certified special needs caregiver who will stay and look after my children for a few hours of our lives.  

 

*Image found on Pinterest.*

 

 I would love a brand new kettle to make new memories with while sipping my tea and thinking of my Mom. Followed by a gift card to a gardening center to pick up a beautiful plant, soil, and Miracle Grow to plant in my old kettle. A wonderful idea shared by my heart sister friend The Brain. And lastly a box of Kleenex to dry my tears, blow my nose, and a bottle of wine to allow it all to sink in how very blessed I am. 

Happy Mother’s Day to you. ❤️

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Fridays Feats and Fails

It’s Friday one day closer to the weekend and wow what a week it’s been!!! I’m excited to share it with you. So let’s get to it shall we? I’m so happy and honoured to be co-hosting Friday’s Feats and Fails with the awesome Ash from http://www.morethancheeseandbeer. This is a new adventure for me so I feel giddy with excitement. 😃🎉💃

FEAT-Amazing Grace

My beautiful cousin brought her baby into the world and I haven’t stopped crying since! Amazing Grace was diagnosed in utero as having mosaic triploidy. According to Wikipedia.org research Triploid syndrome is an extremely rare chromosomal disorder. Individuals with triploid syndrome have three of every chromosome, i.e. a total of sixty-nine rather than the normal forty-six chromosomes. There are only sixty recorded cases across the world. Thanks to the research I found on http://www.mommiesofmiracles.com I’m understanding a lot more. These children are blessings, and although there genetically different abled, they are beautiful gifts to the world. 

A Mother’s Love 💗

Amazing Grace was brought into the world on Tues, March. 10 th at 6:04 am she had a healthy delivery and Mom and baby have been doing well. Grace had a defect with her heart diagnosed in utero and no one has known how long she would be earth side. After receiving a heart scan yesterday my cousin was happy to report this morning, that there are NO signs of the defect!!! God is creating miracles for my family daily as Amazing Grace has been defeating the odds against her since her conception. Just yesterday she opened up her eyes for the first time her Uncle held her. Oh and what a beautiful moment that was!  There has been an amazing photographer that has been capturing Grace’s journey with her Mom and Dad. All images are by Love by Krista Evans Photography and she and my cousin have allowed me to share them with you today. 💕

A Father’s Love ❤️

I read all the updates eagerly each moment that my cousin posts them. Today Grace will have a brain scan as she was also diagnosed with agenisus of corpus callosum. According to research from Wikipedia.org (ACC) is a rare birth defect (congenital disorder) in which there is a complete or partial absence of the corpus callosum. It occurs when the corpus callosum, the band of white matter connecting the two hemispheres in the brain, fails to develop normally, typically during pregnancy. 

Amazing Grace is being tested and evaluated in preparation to going home! She’s  classified as a strong baby, despite the disorders and her early arrival of eight days before her due date. The amount of love and prayers that are surrounding Grace and her parents is incredible! Thanks to Krista at Love by Krista Evans Photography 12,000 people have seen my family’s pictures. To me that means that 12,000 people are joining in prayer power! You can view Krista’s amazing body of work here:

https://www.facebook.com/lovebykristaevansphotography


The love, pride, and powerful energy emanating from this family fills my heart to the brim. 💖

FAIL

I’ve been keeping as positive as I can considering how precious life really is. And my own son has to undergo genetic testing for Fragile X and ASD. According to Wikipedia.org Fragile X  is a genetic syndrome. Nearly half of all children with fragile X syndrome meet the criteria for a diagnosis of autism.[1] It is an inherited cause of intellectual disability especially among boys. It results in a spectrum of intellectual disabilities ranging from mild to severe as well as physical characteristics. I’ve had my moments when I’ve dissolved into tears, yelled, cursed, and locked myself away in my pity party of one.

My incredible family has shown me I can have those moments but I just can’t unpack and live there. So other than not cleaning since last weekend, not keeping up with folding my laundry as that relentless bitch is owning me. I’ve been enjoying the sunshine, adventuring with my kids, and counting my blessings. And really appreciating the miracles in life like Amazing Grace’s journey with her phenomenal parents. The strength they’ve shown has been remarkable. In my cousins words to prepare for a life half way through pregnancy, then a possible death, back to preparing for her baby’s life is an extraordinary blessing. I know God will continue to watch over and bless them as they are all miracles of the heart.  💞

Amazing Grace.💖

FEAT

My Captain’s hockey play off round ended for him last Saturday. It was a disappointing loss with some questionable referee calls that ended in a 2-1 loss. It was an exciting game, but I’ll be honest and say this part of being a hockey Mom really sucks. It was so hard to see those disappointed expressions on those sweet children’s faces. They played a great game though and they still have their practices, parents against the kids game, and windup party to look forward too. It was Father son time the next day as my husband took our Captain to work. They both looked so handsome as they dressed up in a shirt and tie. I haven’t seen my son dressed up since his first communion last year. It struck me how fast he’s growing up! I’m so proud of his accomplishments on and off the ice. ❤️

I have so much pride for my Captain and his team. 😃

We also had a major accomplishment as my little Mad dog and I attended the play group specifically for children with special needs. He loved it there as it was fun and manageable with a small group of kids. The most touching moment was when my son thanked me for his happy. I was in awe of him and his gift of understanding in the moment. After the group we attended the indoor playground and he did very well being around more children and some noise. We were both happy to nap when we got home. 😴

“Thank you for my happy Mommy.”

So here we are back to Friday and since our Netflix is M.I.A. due to Mad dog resetting all the information we’ll be watching movies. My wonderful husband picked up Night at the Museum for family movie night and Mocking Jay Part 1 for after they go to bed. Thank you for being here today and please check out everyone else’s post who links up today. 💕

That’s my Friday’s Feats and Fails how’s your week been?

This is going to be an amazing weekend of watching the currents and the classics. 😃🎉


It’s link up time! Don’t mind the HTML code I couldn’t convert it back to text just click on the link below that say inlinkz. 😉

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Writer’s Quote Wednesday’s 



Amazing Grace came into the world so precious and sweet. 

Loved already with great devotion and adoration. 

With these beautiful curls and teeny, tiny, little, feet. 

I witnessed a Mother’s love, a Father’s pride as they held her skin to skin. 

And family was to be wrapped up in joy with this little gift. 

Not knowing how long she’d be earth side, each day is a win. 

I look at these beautiful images, and they give my heart a lift.  

I play them over and over again feeling the tenderness in my heart and mind.

Amazing Grace you’re the greatest blessing the world could ever find. 💗

I wrote this for my beautiful cousin who gave birth to her amazing Grace just this week. She was born with a genetic condition called mosaic triploidy. It’s not certain how long this little blessing will have on the earth. One thing I know it will be filled with so much love, that her little heart can hold. This is my submission to http://silverthreading.com for Writer’s Quote Wednesday. Please check out all the talent who link up. Thank you. 💕

*Image used with permission from my cousin and Love By Krista Evans Photography. Special thanks to them both for allowing me to share this journey.*

You can check out her amazing body of work at https://www.facebook.com/lovebykristaevansphotography

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Father

Over the last year I’ve wrote about my Dad a lot on Father’s Day his birthday and anytime I was thinking of him. He’s the first thing I think of when I read the word Father. Today I think about my husband the father he’s become to our children. We had been together a long time before marriage and kids and animals gravitated to him. I was the same way, I always had a bunch of kids to babysit and animals to look after before I had that I’m my own life. My husband and I were together for 15 years before marriage and I’ve known him even longer as he went to school with my middle sister. Oh you may think why on earth did I stick around for so long?! I wondered that myself over those years. I had well meaning friends and family even my own Dad, to move on if it wasn’t meant to be. What they didn’t understand was that I knew it was meant to be. I knew he was destiny, I knew that he would be my forever love. As soon as I met him when I was 12 years old, and felt my heart skip a beat, and butterflies in my tummy. Not to say it wasn’t difficult in the beginning stages of our relationship. As my friends and family thought he was too old for me, and his friends thought I was too young. We struggled and persevered and moved out of town and into a house together. That first year was the hardest, and there was plenty of times I wanted to throw in the proverbial towel and run. But I stayed and learned a lot about myself in the process. We had a strong bond and a deep love for one another but feared commitment. I struggled with my childhood abandonment issues as the little 4 year old girl in me was afraid of be left again. My past childhood trauma of all the cursing, crying, and cutting when my Dad ran out of my life. I still remember it like it was yesterday as my Mom’s face changed and the look in her eyes was deadly as she chased him out the door. He had made many mistakes and I was witnessing a woman on the edge who could take no more. And my husband had his own memories of his childhood witnessing fighting, crying, and booze soaked nights of his Father absenteeism whole spent at the bar. The Mom home looking after her son’s never knowing what would transpire when he got home. So my husband and I found each other and our broken inner children fell in love as well. We had learned to patch up those broken pieces of our hearts and psyche with our addictions to booze, partying, and fair weather friendships.
And year after year I wondered when this fantasy in my mind of being his wife and Mother to his children would transpire. As empaths my beloved Mama and Gram knew of this vision, this vibration for that I couldn’t explain it just would be. So time marched on and I knew there was a change in the air. My husband got a promotion at work and he felt more stable financially. His first response when we went out to celebrate was “I guess it’s time to buy a house.” And our best friends chimed in and said “yes, and get married.” I was very happy for him and for us but I knew that wasn’t a step he was ready for. It had seemed throughout our relationship it was my hoping, wishing, and praying that we would walk that aisle to matrimony. I just knew it would come to fruition, but the endless question was when?! The first time he proposed I didn’t even think that beautiful ring in the white velvet box was for me. I thought he bought something for his Mom, that’s how far away from the idea of marriage I had been!!! And we did have a fabulous wedding as our family and friends marvelled at the 15 years together as a couple, looked like a new found love and respect for one another as we became husband and wife. I wrote him a song and recorded a demo that played as we held each the tight, basking in the glow of our love. Shortly after our marriage came a job transfer to a new city and a house buying adventure. And after our first new year celebrated as a married couple I was pregnant. In that 6 months we did more learning, growing, and life changes than we did in the 14 years prior!
So the excitement of moving into our first home and my growing belly, while we both worked to secure our dream. Then that magical day when our first son entered the world on a cold snowy winter day everything that was meant to be was. I watched my husband hold our precious bundle of joy and bathe him for the first time in the hospital. I didn’t think I could handle the joy that squeezed my heart as I watched their bond forming. As the tears leaked out of my eyes I knew this was what happiness was all about. Then a dark tunnel of post partum depression and the death of my Dad followed to cloud that silver lining. Yet my husband’s love and support got me through this dark night of my soul. And I became stronger and resilient. And after a long grieving period I found myself pregnant again. I remember telling my Mom of our joyful news and how she hugged me tight and we cried, with the sheer beauty of the moment. This was to be our miracle baby, as I struggled to keep him till he was ready to enter the world. In that time my beloved Mama was struggling with ill health. Her poor body couldn’t take it and she died when I was 8 months along. My heart broke into a thousand pieces as I had to say goodbye to the reason I was in the world today. I remember singing at her funeral her favorite hymn, where my voice reached the rafters of the church in musical notes I had never reached before. I knew she was with me, and would continue to be throughout the last month of my pregnancy. My second son made his arrival a month early but a healthy 6 lbs, 2 oz. He had to stay in the NICU as he was severely jaundiced and sleepy and he was losing ounces. I watched as my Captain met him in the hospital and he looked a gamut of tumultuous emotions as he saw his brother hooked up to wires and machines. Fear, happiness, and love were visible in his precious face. He sang Tom T. Hall’s I love and there wasn’t a dry eye in that NICU. Then that blessed day came when we could take our precious baby home. We met our Captain at preschool and the joy and relief he had on his face of us being reunited as a family is something I will always cherish. And my sons love their sweet Daddy, like the flowers love the sunshine. Now those days have turned to weeks, months, and years as we find ourselves spending Christmas with our loved ones. Instead of being so far away like the previous moves we’ve ventured on. I’m looking forward to ringing in the new year in our new home with my loving family. To my husband, my forever love, my soft place to fall, the Father of our children thank you for amazing you. Happily ever after really does exist, when it’s touched by the glow of love. ❤️

This has been my Sunday confession hosted by the sweet http://www.sparklypoeticweirdo.com. Check out her confession and all the other talented bloggers that link up. Smooches and Merry Christmas to you all. 😃❤️🎄🎅🌟

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