Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

Monday Musings-The Aftermath of Time

It takes two minutes to return a smile, a lifetime to grieve a loved one, and thirty seconds for panic to set in when your child’s missing. People can vanish without a trace, be lost and never found, die of sudden or natural causes and we’re left to wonder about time. The time we could’ve spent sharing our love and appreciation with that person, a better use of the time spent with them not knowing it would be the last time we would see them. 

It’s happened a lot in my life-loss and the grief’s felt like a never ending cycle of turmoil and pain. Ever circulating and appearing in my life for a personal loss of life or one shared with a friend. Time where you wish you hadn’t said words in anger, fear or mistrust. When you could see past your very human ego to forgive instead of forming the words of negativity and pain. Forgiveness really is an art form, to move past the pain inflicted on your psyche and spirit. To turn the other cheek and give kindness when in your heart you know it’s the right thing to do. Forgiveness solves many problems but what happens to the person who releases the one who caused the indiscretion in the first place? 

Do they simply forgive and forget words that sliced through their heart like a serrated knife? Do they move on and feel their spirit lighter with an air of peace? Does the simple act of saying “I forgive you” imply that they understand why the hurt was inflicted upon them? Here lies in the struggle, I personally find it difficult to forgive. I was raised with an armour of stubbornness and tenacity that’s made it difficult to make that choice to forgive. I feel weak and vulnerable, to relent to pain caused to me. I’m human yet moving past the pain to divinity is better for my soul. 

I recently had an argument with my son and in his preadolescent mindset he chose to walk away then help resolve it. We were in a city we had never been to before and on our way back to the hotel we were staying at. He thought his Dad and I were being unfair so he stomped away. I had no idea where he was going or if he knew how to find his way back to our hotel. It was a dark yet a well lit parking lot but to see him run away like that was heartbreaking. I was feeling more scared then angry as I ran after him and he disappeared!  

My family and I entered the hotel and I couldn’t find him anywhere. My lungs were ready to burst as it was cold night and my asthmatic symptoms were setting in and I frantically searched for my son.  I asked the front desk staff if they had seen him and they replied they had not. The woman said “do you need a key card” and I replied “no I just need my son back now unharmed!” I made my way to the elevator to see if he was waiting for me while my husband and youngest son went ahead to our room. 

For fifteen heart stopping minutes I had no idea where my oldest son was. Was he hurt, was he kidnapped, was he lost and searching for me? By the grace of God he was found when another friends parent saw him waiting in the hallway and took him back to our room. I quickly jumped in an elevator and as my mind raised all I could think of was the last time I saw him. The hurtful words that were exchanged, the look of anger on his face, and how lost I felt when I couldn’t find him. I should’ve took back those spiteful words of anger said, I should’ve recognized he was frustrated and needing to be heard than reacting to his outburst. I needed to make better use of my time with him letting him know even though I disagreed I still loved and respected him. 

When I got to my floor I burst out of the elevator like I was on fire and ran to my room. I opened the door and grabbed my son up in my arms in a hug that needed to last a lifetime. He squirmed away from me then eventually relaxed into my embrace as the tears flowed. I tried to talk but my words were halted by my sobs. 

What I managed to convey to him was that I was so worried that something could’ve happened to him. With the last words we had spoken to each other in emotion were not what we meant to say. Yet it’s true as the adage says we always hurt the ones we love. Why is that easier option then to just agree to disagree and come up with a solution? There were apologies given and received and for the rest of the weekend he wasn’t out of my sight. Except to play hockey and use the dressing room facilities. Forgiveness was difficult but necessary to give in order to value each other and our relationship. 

I never want to go through that heart wrenching experience again! I feel like it aged me by ten years and took time off my lifespan. It all begins and ends with time.  I’ve learned a valuable lesson to curb my temper and refrain from spouting words of anger and angst in the heat of the moment. My son has learned that a moment of negativity can cause him to make a poor choice yet he’s willing to admit his mistake and learn from it. Time it’s the deciding factor of all our words, actions, and transgressions. And I for one will be using my time more wisely with my friends and loved ones. You just never know when that time will run out and regret will take its place. 

Would you like to take part in #MondayMusings? Our host is Everyday Gyann read her post to see how to slow down and get creative. 
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Safe

My favourite place at the end of my day is in my husband’s arms. He makes me feel safe, loved, and cherished. We’ve been together a long time it’s hard for me to imagine life before him. There was a time when I didn’t feel safe to give my heart to anyone. I had countless boyfriends cheat on me and still want a relationship with me. That’s not how I operate its loyalty, monogamy, or nothing. I had a very verbally abusive ex who I began to not feel safe with. At first when we were dating everything was great, than that nagging feeling in the back of my thoughts will plague me. As the relationship progressed I thought I could change things when I he became sullen and moody. I wouldn’t talk when he wanted quiet, I wouldn’t talk to anyone when he wanted me by his side. We had one class together in high school and I was intrigued by him. He was a two  years older than me and I wasn’t shy and made friends easily. He liked what he saw in me so we began dating. At first it was new, fun, and exciting then like everything in life the bloom was fading from the rose. He started to show his true colors through his jealousy. I thought that I could change him by changing myself. This became a pattern of my obsession to improve myself. Better hair, makeup, clothes, and becoming fitter. I began to not recognize that person in the mirror as I slept less, ate more, and worked out religiously. In his kind moments that were fleeting, he’d tell me I looked so good I was good enough to eat. I didn’t really know what to think of that, I was 16 years old and never thought of myself as I prey before… It was really bizarre I remember one time hanging out with him and we were in his car. He was kissing and cuddling and watching the luminescent moon over the water. It was beautiful and romantic but it escalated quickly to tugging, pulling, and pinning me down. He wanted much more than I was willing to give. I of course said no loud and clear and he continued to press me further. I felt cornered and I came out fighting and punched him in the face and got out of the car. I started to run but he had my leg and my shoe came off in his hand. It was dark, scary, rocky, and I felt very unsafe. I didn’t know where I was as this was the first time I had been to this area.  I managed to climb up on some rocks while he tried to talk me down. I could smell him and see his thick, shrouded, aura emanating from him as he walked away. He got in his car and he left, roared out of there while I was huddled up on a rock in a skirt and sandals. I stayed up there and prayed for some resolution. These were the days before everyone had cell phones to capture their every move. I knew I couldn’t spend the night there and I was going to be in a lot of trouble because it was way past my curfew. I started to climb down and make my way across the rocks to the road. My feet were so sore and I had developed a blister. I was so scared and longed for the safety of my home and my bed. I trudged on and tried to shield myself from the icy cold wind blowing off the water. All I had to cover myself was my jean jacket. I was dressed to attend a dance which I did that my boyfriend was working at. I continued walking along the road praying that someone safe would find me. Suddenly there was bright lights heading towards me and I continued walking, then the car drove past me and I could hear tires squealing as it headed towards me. I ran as fast as I could and I heard music blaring then dead silence. I wasn’t safe but I knew I needed help. Then I heard my name being called it was my boyfriends friend and he told me he was looking all over for me. He was told I had a bitch fit and ran away. He drove me back home and I talked less and listened more. I felt relieved to be able to escape that debacle. I knew my ex was moody, was used to getting his own way, and every intuitive thought screamed at me to run not walk, away from him. As soon as I arrived home and thanked my ride for rescuing me I sat down and took a hard look at my life. I wrote down five things that I wanted for myself. 

  • 1. I wanted to feel safe. 
  • 2. I wanted to be with someone who loved, respected, and cared about my well being. 
  • 3. I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin. 
  • 4. I needed to take care of myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. 
  • 5. I would never try to change a person again, and pay more attention to my empathic feelings. 

I took this list and then wrote a letter goodbye. I read it to my ex and we parted ways. There was apologies and attempts to win me over with charm and gifts. I looked at the list I had made and stuck to my guns, and didn’t give in. Fast forward twenty-five years in time and I’ve met, fallen in love, and created a life with a wonderful man who is on my list. He’s my soft, safe, place to fall when my world is scary. He loves, respects, and cares about my well being as well as our children. My husband makes me feel comfortable in my skin by showing me he’s comfortable in his. He gives me outlets to take care of myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. And when I’m not he makes sure I get more sleep, flowers, chocolate, dessert, and movie nights for just the two of us. I never try to change him, I just love him for who he is. Sure there are times I wish he’d fold some laundry, but that’s  minor in the long term view of our relationship. He helps me be a better, woman, wife, Mom, and friend. And knowing that he loves all of me, even the scary parts of my personality is a gift. I feel safe in knowing I’m loved and safe with him. 💗

This has been my submission to http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com Sunday confessions. Which I know it’s Thursday now. I wrote and saved it but couldn’t find it till now. Please check out the anonymous confession on Ash’s Facebook page and all the other talent that link up. Thank you. 💕 


 

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Friday’s Feats and Fails

Hello Friday where have you been all week? I have been waiting all week for today. I look forward to relaxing with my family and since my Netflix is still MIA I’ve bought a couple more movies. I wish I could figure out how to fix it. So now I have to take the time to contact the company and see if they can help me. I’ve banned my children from touching the remote controls so when I do get this resolved it won’t happen again. Well enough about that let’s chat about my week.

FEAT

Last weekend was a fun skating day at the Captain’s arena and he had fun shooting slap shots with his team mates. We had a relaxing Sunday of playing, reading, writing, and movie watching. On Monday I had a great meeting and managed to cross a few things off my giant to do list. Then on Tuesday I had respite and I did some shopping and got my hair done. It was four months of growth and it was a relief to see it gone! My bangs were eight inches long and I had zero style, except wearing an awesome hat. Who would’ve thought that all that hair was weighing down my spirit?!

 

A before and after picture of my hair cut. I felt so great I could’ve bench pressed a Buick.! 😃

FAIL

Laundry, laundry, laundry, I believe that’s enough said. I got five loads folded and still need to put away. Now there’s another five waiting in the wings. My friends is their life after laundry? I would say yes, but I’ve been to park everyday this week to provide fun and OT to my Mad dog. It’s been great enjoying the sunshine but nothing is getting done. 😳

FEAT

My cousin and her family got amazing news and were able to go home this week. Little Amazing Grace is off the bottle and completely breastfeeding. She was released from the hospital on the Sunday weighing 4 lbs, 4 oz. and after being home for five days she’s already up to her birth weight of 4 lbs, 11 oz!!! Her cardiologist appointment showed nothing wrong with her heart, and the Doctor’s are impressed with her feeding. For a baby that had the odds stacked against her and specialists were foreseeing what she could and couldn’t do, she is not only surviving she is thriving!!! Amazing Grace is a testament to the human spirit, of never giving up. The doctor’s can never predict that capacity of strength or the love that heals.  I look forward to the updates on Facebook and recently there’s been a Go fund me account set up for all the services that Amazing Grace will need. Such as occupational therapy, physical therapy, and speech and language therapy. As well as what’s needed for her daily baby needs. Thank you for all your love, support, and prayers. My cousin and her fiancé are appreciative of all the love shown to their precious Amazing Grace. 💖

http://www.gofundme.com/opkm0c?fb_action_ids=10152571310411792&fb_action_types=og.shares&fb_ref=undefined&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%5B844632275573762%5D&action_type_map=%5B%22og.shares%22%5D&action_ref_map=%5B%22undefined%22%5D

 

Amazing baby Grace day 1 in the hospital💖

 

Baby Amazing Grace sleeping peacefully at home in her crib. I love her so much. 💗

FAIL

I haven’t had a lot of sleep lately, so many things on my mind and the fear of the unknown can keep me awake. I know I can’t control the future and it doesn’t make sense to worry about it. But I’m just a overwhelmed Mom that gets scared sometimes and my banged up, bruised, bandaged, heart shows through. With the sleep deprivation and exhaustion setting in my patience bucket starts to empty. I had a long day yesterday and I just wanted to make the Captain’s lunch, and watch my Grey’s Anatomy. I’m a fanatic about that show and I never miss it. After picking me up from the city and getting home late my kids were still up and hyper. I finally got them to bed at 9 pm. Not usually there bed time so they were over tired and getting their second wind. I went downstairs and got ready to watch tv and then I couldn’t find the remote. DVD’s without any cases were strewn about, popcorn, and granola bars wrappers everywhere; andit looked like it puked Toys R Us!!! I started yelling, cursing, and cleaning. Which caused everyone to get upset and then my husband found the remote and set up the tv for me. I appreciated his help especially after my verbal tirade. So I finally relaxed and decompressed while watching some TV. Welcome to life in my world, where we roll with the punches and I donate to my swear jar daily.

 

Did Derek cheat on Meredith? Or did these lovely ladies just hear me swearing? ☺️

 

Even when we think we know the future even for a second it changes. Assuming the worst can happen, or we step forward into the unknown and assume it will be brilliant. -Christina Yang (actress Sandra Oh)

 

I really hope that these two will make their long distance work? 💞

FEAT

Yesterday I did some fundraising for my theatre group at the casino. I put in a long nine hour day there and got to know some more people, and secrets were shared in what I dubbed “the cage of truth.” I hadn’t seen anyone since December at our last performance so there were happy hugs and hellos exchanged. This was all positive and just what I needed to lift my spirits. 😃

So he we are back at Friday again that’s my week in review. How was yours? It’s time to link up with me and the lovely Ash from More Than Cheese and Beer. ❤️

Link Up Here:

 An InLinkz Link-up

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Before

I’m sitting here trying to think about how my life was before mental health disorders became an issue. I remember being very young and watching scary episodes in my family play out before my eyes. I was scared and sensed there was danger so I just stayed clear and pretended I was sleeping while chaos ensued around me.

I had an interesting childhood, a very loving and devoted Mom and five siblings. Four of them were a lot older than me, and graduated or were in high school when I was born. My parents had a loving marriage before reality crashed in and my Dad found someone else. That time in my life was heart breaking and unpredictable, as I was sent to stay with my Dad and his new family that belonged to his girlfriend. I seen and heard things I didn’t want to know about.

Alcoholism was predominant in my family tree at that time. So I saw adults behaving badly fighting, cursing, and other drunken behavior. I never saw that with my Mom. She was very religious, honored God, and we went to church every Sunday with her. Every second weekend I would be in the middle of these drunken debauchery nights and feel so confused. I would wake up on the Sunday and there would be no church.

At first the thought of sleeping in was exciting to me but there was always work, and plenty of it. My Dad was raised to believe that idle hands were the Devils workshop. So if he had to work then so did his kids. We had chores to help out with the household and other outside ones. My favorite thing to do was help my Dad in the garage working on his logging truck.

I would spend hours with him cleaning the cab, greasing the axles, and operating the tire gun. I loved those times because we would talk and the stereo would be blasting Charlie Pride, Conway Twitty, and George Jones. He loved the old classic country and I would entertain him with my singing and dancing to Glen Campbell’s Rhinestone Cowboy.

I was only four when my parents separated and I was your proverbial people pleaser, trying to make them both happy. My Mom’s heart was broken as she tried to pick up the pieces of her failed marriage and move on and raise my sister and I. I was her friend and confidant helping her through and remaining loyal and steadfast. She suffered from anxiety and depression throughout my whole life.

I always prayed to God to give me a magic wand like the a fairy Godmother in Cinderella, and make her fears disappear. My Dad had told me he just wanted to be happy so he chose a different life with a different family. This was something that was very difficult for me to except, but I really tried for my Dad’s sake. I think this is where these adult situations gave birth to my anxiety. A monkey on my back today that I still have to control.

I never planned on having to make everyone happy, but somehow I felt like it was my job. What was life like before my parents separated? I have no clue, I was too young to remember. I have a few memories and some involved traveling , visit my Grandparents, and meeting lots of different people. My Dad and his girlfriend were in the process of building a house so there was always people coming and going. My brothers helped with the construction, my brother in-law with the electrical wiring, concrete mixers and painters.

I still remember placing my hands and carving my initials in the cement. Before I knew what divorce meant at five, I was a product of it. My parents never officially did that paperwork, it just felt the same as if they did. My Dad never did remarry as my Mom wouldn’t grant him a divorce. Yet they both moved on, my Mom found solace with raising us and being devoted to her church.

My Dad worked a lot and took us traveling to the United States. I’ve seen the open skies of Montana, driven Route 66, had my hands, feet, and legs in all four corners, and spent time wishing upon a star in Disneyland. I look back fondly on those family vacations with a smile. My Mom never got amazing trips like this so I always made it a big deal to find her a souvenir. I remember when we would make phone calls home to her, how lonely and sad she sounded. My Mom’s children were her life.

My oldest siblings were old enough to have their own lives and two were living on their own, and two still in high school. So having my middle sister and I filled up that void she felt with the empty nest syndrome. There was happiness coupled up with the confusion, and I spent a lot of time with both sets of Grandparents.

Before I was even six years old I knew what the classic black and white movies were, how to plant and maintain a garden, and every tune of an Irish song lovingly sung by my Mom and Gram. I still remember hearing stories of the old country(Ireland and Scotland) and how my Great Grandparents came over to start a new life after surviving hardships in their countries.

What was their life like before they ventured to take a boat to the new world of New York and later Western Canada? I often pondered this in my head as I read stories of Charles Dickens. I’m grateful for the lessons I learned from my parents discussions of my ancestors. Knowing I come from people that are so resilient, has had me rely a lot more on my intuition then people’s versions of the truth.

This has served me well from the past to my present. Today I work through my own mental health issues and my children’s, keeping mindful of who I was before, and who I am today. That scared little girl who loved to sing and dance grew up to love to write, and express herself authentically. And if there’s anything I learned in my childhood was be true to myself before trying to please others.

This is my Sunday confession to Ash’s http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com. Today’s prompt was the word before and I chose to write about my childhood. Please check out her Sunday confessions on her Facebook page, and all the other talent that link up. Thank you. 😊

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This could be heaven, or this could be hell

The floor feels cool on my skin as I lay here with my cheek pressed into it. I’m lying here trying to ground myself, regulate my senses, and to stop the earth from spinning. I go to rise but I can’t move, my tear stained face is stuck to the linoleum so I’ll lay here longer. I’m trying to process everything that was said, all the questions I was asked, how many times I tried to get my son to stop opening the door to escape.

I had a meeting with a new pediatrician and she was assessing my sons for developmental disorders. First my youngest didn’t even want to stay in the office. He was scared and kept running away. He wasn’t interested in the toys or snacks I brought he just wanted to leave. As the meeting went on he felt my energy becoming more and more tense because he was at the point where he was stimming.

So he rolls on the floor seeking sensory input in this tiny office. So I gather him up and bounce him on my knees and encourage to play with some toys. This is the first Ped clinic I’ve seen without toys. The Dr brings in a magnetic wall picture and he plays with that for awhile. With his sensory condition he doesn’t sit still at all and its worst in new situations. He grows bored of the picture and tries to climb up onto the counter. I proceed to pick him up and rock as I would at home. Giving him deep pressure hugs the whole time and whispering I love you you’re safe in his ear over and over again.

My heart is aching as I feel his heart beat like a rapid fire drum solo. My hands are clenched around his back and I’m not letting him go till he’s ready. Then it’s time for the Dr to give him an exam and he won’t let her touch him. So we settle for him sitting on the bed and more he relaxes with a massage and input that his senses are craving. Then my husband arrives and we tag team out, and he takes the littlest home and I take the eldest in for his appointment.

I finish up with the Dr with my youngest information and we start my oldest sons questionnaire. As ten minutes ticks by , I can sense and see his boredom. So I hand him my phone to keep him occupied. He’s slouching and then hunched over building his mine craft world as I’m fully into the questions. Then my battery dies and he’s back to frustration and a loud audible sigh escaped his lips. Well that’s enough for the Dr to say something about his disrespect not being appreciated.

I’m mortified I wonder who is this child and what have you done with mine? My Captain who’s polite, respectful to his elders and obeys authority. Well not today he’s too tired, bored, and frustrated as he has to endure hearing me talking about him. Which always makes me uncomfortable, but if I don’t he won’t get the help he needs. So she starts asking him questions, as he plays with the fidget in his hands keeping him calm and regulated.

He talks about his nightmares, anxiety about new friends turning into enemies, Pokemon cards, and being bullied in his new school. My heart grows heavier with each admission of his truth. I have to hold myself together, as I feel I could crumble like powdery snow on a warm winter day. We reach the end of our appointment and make another for the physical exam. I receive information and paperwork and drive us home. Inside the truck I firmly but gently ask him how he could correct his behavior for his next visit.

He tells me he’s sad all the time, and always does the wrong thing and it’s all his fault. Then the tears start to flow, both his and mine. As he pours out his heart about how he can’t get his brain to stop and then he says the wrong thing. I tell him I understand and I love him, followed by his admonishment that I don’t get it, and no I don’t! I don’t fight or power struggle I just let my silent tears fall down my face. We arrive home in time to quickly get him ready for hockey practice.

I’m grabbing his gear and getting him dressed and he’s yelling and saying he’s tired, he doesn’t want to go, leave me alone etc. If his team didn’t need him for an upcoming tournament I would’ve let him stay home. But I knew he’d feel better after moving, occupational therapy induced exercise, and being with his team mates. After he leaves with his Dad, I set my little one up with a movie. I proceed to close my door and sit on my floor and cry.

So this brings me back to where I am lying, while my tears fall into a puddle on the floor. I’m trying to process it all as the Dr said my sons require further testing for what she suspects is ASD, OCD, ODD, and ADHD. The letters start to swim around in my head as I struggle to lift myself off of the sticky linoleum. I know whatever the outcome is my sons are more than a label put on them. Letters+a label = equals funding. So I’m able to put them into cutting edge programs like Brain Gym, workshops about art therapy, and neurology. And to also cover travel expenses back and forth to appointments.

So that’s a good thing, it’s just hearing the words and applying them to my precious kids doesn’t compute with me. I think back to when my youngest Mad dog (I’m using nicknames I assure you to protect their identities) was called a mystery when I had him assessed last year. He was given the label of Sensory Modulation Disorder (seeker of sensory input). Further testing could be required if I had wished. So here we are today finding out something I’ve known all along and just got confirmation.

I need something desperately to get back the respring in my step. To make me hit the ground running, and onto my next advocating adventure. Something to make me smile, laugh, and feel happy that I’m breathing the God given air into my lungs. But today my super Mom cape is in the dryer and I’m feeling weak and vulnerable. I need to grieve for the regular life I envisioned for my sons.

And as I dry my tears, I know I have my bunker punk family rallying and supporting me. As all those awesome autism and neurotypical parents have given me hope, information, guidance, understanding, and most of all their love. For this support will lead me to taking it one day at a time. While I retrace my thoughts back to my happy place, and get the spring back into my step. 💖

This has been my take on the daily prompt Re-springing your step

Re-springing Your Step

as part of my Blogging 101 assignment. Thank you for being here and sharing my journey. 💗

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*Image used with permission from http://www.simpleeserene.com. Photo found on SubbotinaAnna/shutterstock.com

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Fridays Feats and Fails

This Friday I’m writing this blog wrapped up in a cozy blanket with a hot chocolate while it snows outside. It’s cold people, -21 with a wind chill factor of -35!!! I’m Canadian and used to the cold but the wind chill factor is new to me. So I’ll be surgically wrapped up in my fleece blanket all weekend as this weather’s supposed to continue. So now on to my week in review!

FEAT

I managed to get all my laundry done and packed for the hockey road trip. I also enjoyed a family movie while joining in for an online tea party. I had my brand new green tropical tea in my sweet little owl mug, and settled down in my cozy Nike hoodie to write some stories from some prompts given by the Brain. Tea parties make me happy, laundry does not. Now for me to not to be bitching about laundry is a feat in itself! Evil bitch nemesis that she is. 😉

FAIL

I didn’t get a lot of sleep the night before the road trip so I was one tired hockey Mama. I didn’t nap along the way either as I help out with navigating with me and my sister friend Siri. We didn’t even argue this time because it was a straight drive all the way to our destination. With only the turn off the highway to find the arena. I really didn’t eat very well the whole trip or exercise, so I felt sluggish after we got home.

FEAT

I cheered on my Captain on the ice to a 20-5 win and took a few pictures, and kept his brother entertained while lining up all the toys to watch the game. They had a great concession at the arena where you could watch the game while watching for your lunch to be cooked. After Mad dog couldn’t sit still and was getting bored, I took him to the playground across the street. We had a lot of fun playing in the snow and testing out every slide there. We were frozen by the time we got back to the arena, so it was so nice to warm up with hot tea before we headed off to our next destination. We arrived at our hotel and Mad dog and I immediately went swimming. It was so wonderful to soak in the hot tub and do a few laps and sing songs in the pool.

FAIL

With Mad dog’s sensory condition transitions can be very difficult so a new hotel, town, and traveling can be a lot for him to process. So after swimming I took him to McDonald’s. We sat down to eat as he asked to stay and we proceeded to have our meal. He was tired after the pool and was getting cranky so I was just going to eat and go. He didn’t want to eat he wanted his chocolate milk. I of course told him after he eats he can have it, and that turned into a full blown tantrum!!! I proceeded to pack up our dinner while feeling all eyes on us. I could care less what anyone there thought of me, but I care what they thought of him. So as his melt down escalated I announced “this is my son and he has SPD so take your pictures and stare all you want so you can remember him!” And then immediately left while packing him and our food across a slippery parking lot.

FEAT

After we got back to the hotel I finally got Mad dog calmed down and was able to eat dinner and watch some cartoons. I cuddled up with him while he told me he was so scared and I held him tight. I had to remind myself that he was having a hard time, not giving me a hard time. Hubby and the Captain returned and I had Mad dog ready for bed. I settled down to write a blog about how much I love my family. I wrote about my feelings from when my hubby and I were a couple, and how our children joined our lives and made us a loving family. I then set the kids up with a movie and went to hang out with the other hockey parents, and have some me time. Hubby was very encouraging about me being more social and he’d stay with our sons. ❤️

FAIL

I was up late that night and came back to the hotel and cleaned up, organized clothes, plugged in electronics, and set my phone alarm and finally went to bed. 7 am sure came early so I was very tired. I got to another hockey game with another win 6-3 for the Captain’s team. I just wanted to go home and go for a nap, but I took the kids to the dinosaur interpretive centre instead. I kept on thinking of their smiles and not about how cranky and exhausted I felt. It was better to think positive as I had a lot of fun, and I took a bunch of pictures and picked up some souvenirs.

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FEAT

The rest of the week went well I got unpacked from the weekend, and had a 3 hour theatre practice to attend as soon as I got home. I’m actually feeling more comfortable there as I got a costume and a custom made wooden harp made for me. I still get called by my characters name instead my own, but I’m enjoying getting to know people better. I’m new to the party so they still don’t know what I’m capable of yet. So I’ll keep that ace up my sleeve till next year. My Captain has been doing really well at school, with being more social and got his midterm report card today. I’m very proud of his progress and his ability to overcome the bullying he’s incurred. My Mad dog is really growing up too, he’s able to use his words and tell me when he’s upset instead of hitting and biting. And I’ve accommodated him on the days when he just wants to be held and cuddled. I had the honour of being part of a guest blog on http://howmybrainworks.weebly.com. I was so proud that I was able to make my debut and wrote about being thankful as part of the Brain’s cherish the moments. Because really that’s what it’s all about, learning our life lessons and cherishing those precious moments. ❤️

This has been my submission to Ash’s Feats and Fails at http://morethancheeseandbeer.com. Check out her week and all the other bloggers who link up. Enjoy your weekend, and cherish those moments. 😘

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Quick

I have been quickly trying to figure out my life’s dilemmas. How to stop my big boys nightmares he’s suffering from due to being bullied at school. And how to get my sleep deprived little boy more restful sleep. I’m functioning in a “Mombie” state myself, but it’s a part of my daily routine I don’t even think of it much. I joke around and say my son never got the memo as a baby, he was supposed to sleep through the night after a month old. What the most difficult is being so exhausted that I’m quick to anger. And that leaves me and the ones I love feeling vulnerable. To my wrath, my tears, my laments of please forgive me’s. I know how bad it is to lose my temper. And I’m always making amends for my behavior. I spend lots of late nights researching of ways to help my children and myself. I’ve been doing this Deepak and Oprah meditation series which brings me the calm I need in a given chaotic day. For which I’m grateful yet it’s not giving me the restful sleep I need. Which leads me to the quick assumption am I sabotaging myself by my constant anxiousness and overthinking? I’m a philosophical soul who’s introspective nature, can leave my head riddled with questions. I think my poor body says to my brain “ok I give up, you win, I’ll talk to the central nervous system and get her moving in the morning.” And I’ll lay here and look like I’m letting her relax, and you take over the party going on in her head. And get those muscles to relax and rebuild so she’s not a mess of bones on the floor!” You see why I can’t sleep I’m so quick to think up things to entertain myself? At this point in my life I either laugh or cry. I’d rather laugh and convulse into feel good giggles, after a good tickle fest with my kids. They are amazing little loves who are so quick to forgive me when my impatience rears it’s ugly head. I’m always a work in progress, as I believe we all can be at times. How can we not be with the craziness of the world we live in? Being empathic can be a really life long uphill struggle, as I tend to feel things on a much deeper level than the average joe. So I’m always looking for a quick fix, to ground and balance myself so I don’t fly off into a tizzy. Yes, medication helps but leaves me feeling almost disjointed in my bubble of calm. I prefer to make up a quick remedy of essential oils, clean nutrition, vitamins and a little wine to balance it out. I will be the first to say I love hard, play hard, and beat myself up hard for simply being human. My family knows that they are my breath of life, my elixir I drink up to fill the gaping holes in my heart and psyche. I’m learning to not be so quick to react with impulsive anger, and let the sins of my childhood not continually play in my mind. I have to learn to be quick to forgive myself for my wrong doings and not beat myself to an emotional pulp. There’s too many people in the world that will do that for me, with no questions asked. So my life has been full of quick friendships, with all the moving I’ve done in my life. My hope is I’ll find some sustaining friends so I don’t feel so lonely. It surprises and saddens me that I’ve been quick to judge groups of people in conversation, because I’ve wanted that so badly in my life. I need to be patient and let life unfold how it should. Than being so quick to bypass people that I think wouldn’t have anything to do with me. That’s the issue I struggle with as I work through my growing pains and find that friendship that’s meant to be. So I’m slowing down, pacing myself, and going with the flow. Because really Rome wasn’t built in a day.

This has been my Sunday confession brought to you by the amazing Ash at http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com Check out her confessions and all the brave bloggers that link up. Big hugs to you. ❤️

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Acceptance

There’s comes a time in life where we have to let go of the anger and invite acceptance into our lives. Well I should say I have to let go of MY anger and invite acceptance into MY life. I lived with this dark, protective, force in my life for a very long time. I have allowed it to take up residence in my soul, destroy relationships, and occupy my mind. It has been my go to feeling as I’m instantly reactive to situations in my daily life. I have to consciously choose happiness, I have to choose to smile when I’d rather cry, and laugh when I’d rather yell. I have to take time to calm my mind, find the still, the quiet to meditate. And when I do these things anger dissipates into thin air, and is replaced with peace. My inner child takes a beating as she wants to love everyone and yet protect herself from everything. It’s a fine balance as I’ve been struggling and walking the thin line between love and kindness, and hurt and anger. The negative has taking up residence in my heart as I feel life beating me down. Growing up feeling victimized, bullied, and unheard has led me to some very dark times in my existence. In the past I’ve flirted with danger and became reckless. I’ve thought if I survived emotional war fare I could survive anything. I’ve jumped off bridges, drove with a drunk driver, and jumped out of windows. Trying to escape for myself, these were stupid, selfish and dangerous acts and God let me survive them. At the time I felt invincible as I lived to tell my tale. Yet my soul was so tortured with this scary behaviour. Which caused me to grow a very thick exterior, as an empath I had to for survival. I can read most people like a book, and I can feel and know what’s not being said in a conversation. And if I can’t “feel” out a situation I feel nervous and a walk away. I’ve left relationships, situations, and people behind in the dust because of these barriers. I’ve carved out a secure existence where I’m vigilantly aware of everything and everyone, I come in contact with. I have to be, because protecting myself is my upmost concern at all times. And now to see these characteristics intrinsically alive in my sons is both reassuring and concerning. I want them to have wisdom to protect themselves, yet love in their hearts. I want them to faith in mankind and yet an awareness of danger. I want my little cubs to feel safe in their world but I can’t control their lives. I have searched for answers to my karma, spent years living and learning, separating fact from fiction, and spiritual dogma from the truth! I feel like I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes searching for the perfect spiritual teacher to enlighten me. I’ve wasted a lot of time, tears, and money on my quest. I have to learn not to fear the word acceptance or the act of forgiveness. And know I, more than anyone else needs to experience this. I have to feel in my heart that I’m doing the right thing for myself, by embracing and allowing that healing to take place. I have sat with my tears, and grown and learn from these pearls of wisdom. I have cried out to God to stop the pain, torment, and anguish and save me from myself. This dark night of my soul has taught me to live for the now, and let the future take care of itself. To always think the best, but prepare for the worst. I walk with this wisdom in my heart and mind, and let it absorb into my soul with its life given light. And just maybe everything that I’ve been searching for love, forgiveness, and acceptance was inside of me all along.💓

Sometimes we get so caught up in checking things off lists, making everyone happy, filling our time with this and that…and we forget it’s ok to relax. To do nothing. To sit in the shade and simply b.r.e.a.t.h.e. ♥

Louise Smith

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