Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind

It’s confession time I have been marking the days off on my calendar with a big red X. Three guesses on why I’m doing that? Yes you guessed right if you’re Canadian, it’s back to school time. It’s been a long fun summer but it’s time for pencils, books, and learning the fine art of listening again. 

My oldest son is very excited about this school year and having a new teacher. To ease his anxiety filled mind I requested a meet and greet as soon as school was out. It was wonderful as his teacher is new to the school and that made him feel better knowing that. This year my son is not the new kid on the block and that’s a comforting thought. 

As the bullying he had to endure last year made for a difficult start. I spent so much in the vice principal’s office you would think I was staff! Now this month of August has left us with the last few dog days of summer before school’s in session. I wanted to make this an amazing summer for my kids because last year we were moving. 

I have things up my sleeve planned to surprise them. Yet I have to do this strategically as my oldest doesn’t like surprises and will ask 52 questions before we leave the house. My youngest loves the act of a surprise initially, but with his sensory processing disorder this makes transitions very difficult for him. I load up the kids and my truck and I tell them we’re going on an adventure. Sometimes that’s enough to cause them excitement or for me to be incessantly asked are we there yet? So it ends up working either way the stress of keeping a surprise, organizing my family to leave the house, is either a positive experience or negative one.

 I always prefer it to be the former than the latter, and if it doesn’t work out I at least gave it a try. Sometimes all this thinking wears me out, and I feel like I’m losing my mind! Do you know when you have a dream and you don’t want to wake up because it’s so wonderful than the reality you’re living? Sometimes I have those moments, and other times I feel like I had a dream I didn’t plan on dreaming.

 I don’t know if that makes sense when you’re reading it, but it makes sense to me as my stream of conscious thought keeps unravelling one layer of yarn at a time….

This is my submission to Stream of Conscious Thought I’ve had a brief hiatus from participating so I’m happy to be back to where the thoughts flow and the talent oozes from this creative place. Please check out this haven, and see if you can guess today’s prompt. 😉

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Writer’s Quotes Wednesday

   
This is all of me on flex Friday submission to Silver Threading for Writer’s Quotes Wednesday. This is the place where I seek solace and inspiration. Please check out all the talent that resides there. Thank you. ❤️

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Writer’s Quotes Wednesday 

  The Walk

 

This is my contribution to http://silverthreading.com Writer’s Quotes Weednesday. I was watching and waiting for some inspiration and this prose came to be. Please check out her gift and all the other talent who link up. Thank you. 💗

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Ready, set, go! 

I have so much to do and I’m already overwhelmed thinking about it. I have never ending overflowing laundry baskets and I’m totally my laundry room’s bitch for the past two weeks. I’ve got a wicker basket full of stuff I need to do, and the paperwork monster is threatening to grab me in a choke hold till I cry uncle! I know I can take things one day at a time but it’s my brain that never shuts that doesn’t get that message. 

Last week I had a meeting with my respite worker she asked me if I was a list person. I replied yes I love making lists, a lot of my blog topics start out that way. She asked me to write things out instead of using my notes app. So I did and it’s amazing how something so simple, can be so affective. Today I made another list and each day I cross off my accomplishments. It feels good to see that I’m taking care of things, but my overwhelm is with all the things I still need to do. It’s easy for me  to dispense out advice to friends and say look after your priorities and the housework will be there tomorrow. Like death and taxes laundry will always be something you can count on happening. 

I feel like I’m at the start of the race and I’m waiting for someone to be standing there with a pistol saying ready, set, go and I’m off like I’m lit on fire when I hear that shot go off! On one side of me is my calendar jammed with appointments, and on the other is my phone loaded up with texts, emails, and blog topics I need to return and write. At times we’re neck in neck and I literally feel the sweat pouring down my brow. Then I’m wiping it, dying of thirst, and I fall behind and struggle to keep up. 

There are many phone calls to be made, test results to track down, letters to be written, paperwork to be signed, and faxed. I’ve literally been held paralyzed with anxiety that I have to complete all the things and do it record time. The finish line appears to be so far away and my eyes are getting blurry as exhaustion starts to overtake me. Must be the fact I’m dehydrated and in need of something to quench my thirst. And that pesky cataract starts to bother me when I’m tired. So I start veering off the track and daydreaming while I can scarcely see my opponents in the distance. My vision doubles and I start to yearn for my couch. 

There I can have my fuzzy blanket and security while watching Lawrence of Arabia and enjoy eating a bowl of ice cream. This parenting gig can be hard at times. Add in a list of objectives, goals, and lists and you’ve got another job. Sometimes I just want to say &@@@ it and leave for someone else to do. But if I do that then my children won’t get the services they desperately need. I can’t miss out on that, no matter how mentally, emotionally, and physically, exhausted I am. It’s not fair to them or to me if I fail, there’s a lot of resources and a lot of families in need as well. The autism journey can be a bumpy one at the best and worst of times. I’m learning new terminology everyday and as my brother says ATL’s (another three lettered acronym). 

He told me that last week and I laughed so hard, for about fifteen minutes as my life has become all about the letters. When will it all begin, when I’m assessed for funding, get a case worker assigned to me, or get a therapy team in place. There will be more people joining our small circle, lots of transitions, more appointments, and more trips into the city. I will be requesting a lot of home visits in the beginning. Getting my youngest son prepared for these upcoming changes and strangers in our reclusive world. This is never easy and I can use all the PECS (Picture Example Cards) available, but if he has anxiety about it all it’s just not going to happen. 

I honestly don’t know what to expect from branching out into this new world of programs, people, and personalities. I’m thinking as positively as I can and preparing and educating myself as well. So off I go into the sunset leaving worn out ideas, speculations, and false truths behind. From now on its facts, concrete results, and verified diagnosis’s that will matter. I owe it to my children to get them all the help I can. And I owe it to myself to know and believe this age old wisdom from Yoda. That little green guy’s wisdom has touched my life with its simple but gifted advice more times than I can count. Special thanks to http://lindaghill.com for the writing prompt. I couldn’t think of anything to use it for till now. It’s funny  how I just looked at this picture and words started flowing. Green man wisdom for the win!

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What the poppy means to me

The poppy to me represents freedom. I think of all the men and women, who have fought and sacrificed and continue to do so, for my country. Canada has always symbolized the true, the North, the strong, the free. I think of my Grandpa on Rememberance day and how he enlisted in both the American and the Canadian armies. He was only 17 when he was stationed in Hawaii. Yes, he lied about his age but that’s how desperate he was to see the world. I remember him telling me stories about how he was a boxer there, and was quite good at what he did while he worked on his basic training. Time passed and war came to Europe. By this time my Grandpa was married to my Gram, and my Mom was just a little girl of nine years old. Those 5 years he was away my Gram became an incredible support to my Mom, and to her own siblings. When my Grandpa returned from the war my Mom was a teenager. He didn’t know this young beautiful woman who wanted to put on makeup and go to “picture shows” with her friends. He sacrificed and fought to come home with wounds from shrapnel in his legs. He also suffered with (what I believe was) undiagnosed PTSD and had to find work to support his family. Emotionally and physically, he needed to integrate in their lives after being gone for so long. And over time he did that, and settled on retiring and enjoying his Grandchildren and Great Grandchildren. He spent his free time gardening and telling stories of his time in the army, over a jug of wine on a Saturday night. I remember sitting on the floor at his feet wanting to know more and absorb every detail of his life. This is what the poppy represents to me freedom, pride, lives lost, hope, faith, and love for my country. Every year I proudly recite the poem In Flanders Fields that I learned in school. This historic poem was written in May 1912 by John McRae a Canadian soldier in World War 1. On the eleventh hour, of the eleventh day, of the eleventh month I honour and appreciate the ones that have fought and died for my freedom. I’m proud that my Grandpa was one of those soldiers, thank you for the blessings bestowed upon me. I’m very proud to have my freedom and be Canadian.

“In Flanders Fields” by John McCrae

In Flanders fields the poppies blow Between the crosses, row on row, That mark our place; and in the sky The larks, still bravely singing, fly Scarce heard amid the guns below. We are the Dead. Short days ago We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, Loved, and were loved, and now we lie In Flanders Fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe: To you from failing hands we throw The torch; be yours to hold it high. If ye break faith with us who die We shall not sleep, though poppies grow In Flanders Fields.

Written on May 1915.

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Image found on 3 Words Wisdom Facbook page and used with permission

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Close

There are a lot of times I want to close my eyes to the truth. I want to believe the best about people than seeing and feeling their lies. I want to have faith that the medical professionals I deal with have my sons best interest at heart. I have to fight long and hard to advocate for my children, to get the help and services they need. Today I met with a sleep specialist who I’ve been needing to meet all my life. She was able to pinpoint what was exactly wrong with my son in a matter of minutes. She was very thorough and careful with him as she knew of his sensory disorder. He trusted her enough to let her touch his head, face, and ears which he would go mental about if it wasn’t me. He trusted her as soon as we walked in her office so that allowed me too as well. She told me he was experiencing all his sleep issues due to allergies. He’s an open mouth breather, orally fixated, and has hypotonia of the jaw so I have to monitor him while eating and sleeping. I love my child so much and all this repertoire has been exhausting for us both. Now he will see an allergist and will be put on medication to reduce the inflammation. The Dr said she will treat the sleep apnea when everything else he’s experiencing shows improvement. So my head’s swimming with all this new information, and I go right into research mode absorbing and learning as much as I can. I will be changing to a gluten free diet, increasing his iron stores, and continuing with his sensory diet for regulation. I learned more in that 30 minute office visit than I did in a year of assessment after assessment! I wanted to close my eyes and take it all in, finally someone who was helpful and honest enough to give me answers. And then the tears of relief started flowing as I hugged my boy so tight and shook his Dr’s hand. She is the best of the best and we’re very blessed to have gotten an appointment in the first place. I have prayed for this day to come for a long, long, time. For God to guide me in the direction of health and healing. This amazing Dr even gave me an exam and wants me to get tested for sleep apnea! She said there is genetic preposition to why my son at the age of 3 has it. So there I sat in her office tears streaming down my face and feeling the weight of the world lifting off my shoulders. I live a precarious existence surviving on little sleep, lots of caffeine, little support, and my blogging to keep me sane. And tonight for the first time I close my eyes not in exhaustion, but in gratitude for the blessings bestowed upon my family. I close this chapter in my life being fuelled by caffeine and anxiety to keep me running my household like a fine oiled machine. And I open my mind and heart to new ideas and possibilities, that I’m not alone in my struggles anymore. As I walk this new enlightened path to the truth. Growing closer and closer, to freedom and faith.

Today’s Sunday confession is brought to you by Ash at http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com. Please get up close and personal with her blog and all the other amazing bloggers that link up. Much love and respect. ❤️

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