Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

One Liner Wednesday’s 

It’s been awhile since I jumped aboard this train of thought. This is mine as part of One Liner Wednesday’s . Please checkout all the inspiration that comes together on Wednesday’s. 

Today I’m sharing that there’s no instruction manuals for raising children. Thankfully there’s plenty of places to learn, research, and gather more tools for your toolbox. 

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To my love on his birthday 

Today is a special day it’s my husband’s birthday! I know this day is very special to me, because he was born to become my love, and my life. I’ve known my husband for a long time, as he went to school with my sister. I’ve wrote about our love story here, but today I write about why I love him so much. 

You can really discover a lot about a person when you’ve known them for thirty years. Yes that’s 3-0, three decades of crushing on him and his smile that still makes the butterflies float in my tummy. My belly that housed our precious son’s and my body that nourished them through nearly 10 years of marriage. This love of mine has never wavered, for as long as I’ve known him I wanted to be his one and only. 

 

 Now he slumbers peacefully as I’m too excited to sleep and need to write this. I adore him so much, when others saw a little punk kid trying to look grown up; he saw the real me batting my blue eyes. I only told my Mom and Gram of my crush on him. I wouldn’t even tell my sister for fear I might get teased. If you have an older sibling you know what I’m writing about. 
My Mom and Gram would never tell my secret and I never would tell my love either. Well, until many years ago when after a few drinks shared I couldn’t contain my enthusiasm for the truth! I was only 12 when we met that fateful and happy day at a hockey game. He was 17 playing hockey and ready to graduate. I didn’t care though I saw him and he captured my interest and my heart. 

It didn’t matter what our age difference was I believed if it was meant to be it would. He moved away right after graduation but I kept tabs on him through mutual friends. Then I found out he moved away to another province and I moved there as well before graduation. I tried to find him but alas, it wasn’t meant to be. Then I moved back to my hometown to cure myself from my homesickness and graduate with my friends. 

I found out through my cousin that my love had moved back too! I kept a low profile as I was preparing for exams. I still had an interest in seeing him after all those years. I had done some growing up of my own and I wasn’t that kid sister anymore. Then as fate would have it he literally walked back into my life. It was at a friend’s birthday party and I was bouncing and battening  and making sure my friend’s apartment wasn’t getting trashed. Then I see him and all my care taking and “Mother henning behaviour flew out the window! My heart was captured once again and this time I wasn’t letting this prize winning catch go. We stayed up the rest of the night talking, laughing, and yes even sobering up. 

He had to go to work the next day and I had to clean up after the party. We parted ways but we’re content on seeing each other again. Back to school and reality, and phone numbers exchanged and no phone calls were made. Well I did some serious thinking and praying and a week later I called him. I was excited and nervous so I made the date to meet some friends at the theatre. 

That date was a lifetime ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday. What I wore, the smell of his cologne, and the movie we watched. My mind and my heart will never forget that first tender, soft, kiss that left me with all the romantic stereotypes. Weak in the knees, butterflies, and breathless and wanting more! That’s what happens when two energies collide, pure pulsating magic. 

  
It wasn’t always easy as there were naysayers on both sides of the coin that said we would never last. And here we are outlasting a lot of those marriages that came to be before ours. I still remember the best compliment we ever received was from my husband’s aunt. 

“I would never know you were together for a long time. It’s like you both just met and have fallen in love and it’s a privilege to witness that.”

I will never forget that compliment nor the 200 people who came out to celebrate on our wedding day. To my husband, my heart, twin soul, and lover for life. Happy birthday and  thank you for blessing mine and our sweet son’s life with your love. You are loved, respected, and appreciated and are our gift to have everyday. ❤️ 

  


 

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Writer’s Quotes Wednesday

   
This is all of me on flex Friday submission to Silver Threading for Writer’s Quotes Wednesday. This is the place where I seek solace and inspiration. Please check out all the talent that resides there. Thank you. ❤️

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Ten things of thankful TTOT Link Up

  
I’m participating in something new today. In Lizzi’s TTOT blog linkup that is celebrating one hundred successful weeks. This truly is amazing as I’ve never known any linkup to last that long. So seeing how I really need to be reminded of things I’m thankful for I had to be part of this momentous occasion. 
1. I’m thankful even as I’m stumbling through my grief I can still have my memories to connect with. Some days they are what gets me through my pain to my power that lies within. 

2. I’m thankful that I have my children who love me, appreciate me, and will cuddle with me when my heart is hurting. 

3. I’m so thankful that my husband will drop everything when I tell him I need him. He is my hero and demonstrates his love in action daily for our family and I. 

4. I’m thankful that I saved every message from the last six months so that I can read my friends words who flies with the angels. It’s helping me feel closer to her and my memories of her friendship. 

5. I’m thankful I had an wonderful birthday and received such an outpouring of love through messages, phone calls, gifts, cards, and hugs and kisses from amazing people in my life. That I feel so truly grateful for today. 

6. I’m thankful for sticking with my back to back fitness challenges even when I felt like giving in. And that I have the hard work to show for it. 

7. I’m thankful for my coach Ryan who’s been there to support me every step of the way. He’s become that drive and ambition that was missing in my life. His encouragement and faith in me has helped me begin to live a healthy lifestyle and rid myself of chronic pain.

8. I’m so thankful at the end of a long day that I have my husband by my side. He’s my love and my soft place to fall when the world is just too scary to take on. He loves me with all he has to give and I’m so grateful that he is in my life. 

9. I’m so thankful for all my incredible online friendships that I’ve made since I started my venture in blogging. Other gifted writers, page admins, and wonderful people who like to come hang out at my Facebook page. It makes my day to see my notifications lit up with their interactions. 

10. I’m so thankful I have a husband who works so hard to provide for our family. With a roof over our heads, our pantry and fridge stocked up with food, and utilities to keep our home running efficiently. 

This is bonus one, I’m thankful for Lizzi for coming up with the brilliant concept of Ten Things of Thankful  list, and for having me be part of it today.  ❤️

https://summat2thinkon.wordpress.com/ten-things-of-thankful/

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#1000 Speak Compassion-nurturing 

 At this moment in time I could use some nurturing. My heart has suffered from being judged, my body from pushing it to the limit of injury, my soul from putting myself last on the list of life’s priorities. It’s been my own doing, I put myself out there and recieved ridicule and embarrassment. I allowed it to hurt my heart and make me feel cheap, dirty, and ashamed. There is a thing about being too honest especially on social media.

I started a new workout routine as I’ve been living with chronic pain for the last five years. And slowly it’s grinding away at all the wonderful things I’ve accomplished over that time. The nurturing place where I housed my children and now my back is full of white hot pain if I do too much. Lifting my child who is showing all the signs of a sensory meltdown as he runs through a parking lot. Carrying him to bed after he’s so wound up from seeking sensory input all day he crashes in my arms on the couch.

Picking him up and cradling him like my little Joey and I’m his kangaroo Mama keeping him safe from a world that’s too loud, busy, bright, and at the same time beautiful in it’s simplicities and complexities. I exercise to keep myself fit, healthy, and fabulous. I started a new workout routine and matched the instructor for move for move. No matter how fast or extreme it would be in the long run. What the end result was an aggravated old back injury from a bulging disk, and not being able to walk properly for three days!!! What was I thinking I asked myself as I had to hobble around with a cane and parent from my couch?!

I wasn’t thinking about my age that’s for sure. I was thinking of who I was before when I was the fitness instructor with seventeen years experience. Who gave those intense workouts and also participated in them. It’s been a humbling experience as I recently started a fitness challenge and I’m on the sidelines cheering everybody on. I have an invitation to start a free one week bootcamp in my town. I look at each day mocking me and my lack of flexibility. How is it possible after ten years of teaching I could become so inflexible? Easy enough I allowed my mind to become that way being a right fighter, and my body became rigid and immobile.

I need to nurture that part of my myself that makes me feel whole again. I write, read, whine onto my digital paper and drink copious amounts of wine to dull my pain. Who knows of this push and pull existence that I put myself through time and  time again. It’s you my dear readers who have followed along with me on my journey through heartache, grief, self loathing, and sometimes redemption. I lay myself bare and venture out into the world when it seems to be less cold, hard, and judgemental. This is my life as a Mom with children with special needs.

You can’t see my son’s conditions but if you push them to the limit they’ll bleed through with their reactions to noise, over stimulus, and disapproving stares. One has a disorder called Sensory Avoidance. I refer to it as his needs are like a bucket of water and everyone puts in a cup throughout his day. When he’s home from school his sensory bucket is overflowing. and he needs to empty it out and self tegilate with calm and quiet time. I give him this time to decompress as I know it’s essential to his psyche and mental health!


My other son has the opposite disorder he is a seeker of sensory input and it’s referred to as Sensory Modulation. His condition I refer to as having an empty bucket that he fills with cups of water all day long with every interaction, noise, and stimulus. Each time his bucket is almost full he dumps it out and has to start all over again. So this is the push and pull of my son’s existence. One wants to avoid all contact until he’s regulated and able to fill up his bucket. The other is constantly dumping it out and finding new ways to fill it!

They both empty my patience bucket on a regular basis, and I need to fill it back up again with things that help. Like quiet time to myself, being able to read, write, soak in a bubble bath until  enveloped in the softeness and luxury. Closing my bedroom door each night and cuddling into my love my husband, my soft place to fall. He holds me and nurtures me and my hearts love bucket is full of self worth, respect, consciousness, and unconditional love. And I’m refreshed and restored and able to face another day. Whether it’s full of fighting, auditory hyper sensitives, food texture issues, sensory seeking, or sensory avoiding.

We all need to be loved, respected, accepted, loved, and nurtured. Please take that time to give your body, mind, and soul are crying out for. Don’t be like me who pushes and pulls into the core of my existence till my broken, weary, sleep deprived shell of a human body can’t take it anymore. Find those ties that bind you to the ones you love, absorb their love and strength, full that love bucket, and be more than, better than, stronger than the pain that threatens to grind you down. Love, nuture, take the steps to self care, and truly cherish that reflection that stares back at you from the mirror of your life.

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Not your Ordinary Love Story

 

Today I’m participating in my first Love is in the air blog hop. There will promotions, prizes, and stories of love and romance. Hop on board while I share my story and make sure to visit all the blogs on the list. Thank you, now onto the fun. 💞

I’m going to share a story and it will either inspire you, make you giggle, or run for the hills! My love story it started innocently enough when I met my love at a hockey game with my sister. After the game I went to this party and met the goalie. We talked, we laughed, and I was hooked on his vibe. I was younger by about five years but didn’t matter to me I had just met the man I was going to marry. He didn’t know that yet though. I had developed a huge grade A crush on the goalie but only my Mom and my Gram knew about it. 

  
Time passed by and the goalie graduated and moved out of town. I had secretly kept tabs on him over the years. And our next meeting was at a friend’s funeral that I attended. Then I heard he moved out of the province and I once again inquired of his whereabouts. I ended up moving to the same province before I graduated. I tried to track him down but alas, it wasn’t meant to be. I met a couple of guys along the way, dated one, and had a long distance relationship with the other. It was fun for awhile then I was homesick, so I moved back to my hometown. I wanted to graduate with my friends so I left my past behind and looked towards my future.

Shortly after I moved back I heard the goalie was back in town. Life carried on and since we were in a small town I knew he was working and I was preparing for my graduation. 

Then I started planning a friends birthday party. Everything was going great as the party was in full swing. I was collecting empty bottles and filling up snacks and a party crasher walked in. I went up to to confront him and some bantering ensued. I saw he was wearing a Dallas Cowboy hat so we chatted about football, as that’s my favourite team. My curiosity got the better of me as this mystery man wouldn’t tell me who he was. So I took off his hat and looked into familiar eyes when I realized it was the goalie! We were inseparable the rest of the night and I sat on his knee and chatted about that time from long ago. 

He eventually left in the morning because he had to work. We parted ways with kisses and hugs and exchanged phone numbers. I couldn’t wait to see him again! A week had passed and I hadn’t heard from the goalie, so I took matters into my own hands and called him. He seemed happy to hear from me so we arranged a date. He picked me up and I introduced him to my family. He was polite and funny and we happily went on our way. The movie we saw was King Ralph and although John Goodman’s a great actor, he couldn’t hold my attention for long with my goalie in the room. After the movie we drove down to the golf course and went for a walk. 

We talked and enjoyed each other’s company. Our first kiss was on the first hole and one I’ll never forget. He literally made me weak at the knees, and I was hooked on my goalie man.

It wasn’t an easy relationship as the age difference made a difference with his friends. There was comments about my age, yet my friends could care less. I continued on the road to  my graduation day, and my goalie was working a lot. We spent as much time as we could together and looked forward to to getting to know each other. As the months carried on he found his way into my heart and my bed. I couldn’t get enough of him he was like my drug and I was his. Graduation day came and I introduced him to the rest of my family. My sister hadn’t seen him since she graduated,  and was quite shocked that he was my boyfriend. I couldn’t have been happier and my thoughts turned to a future starring only my goalie in the main role. 

 

 In the fall I moved out of town to attend college but still came back to see my boyfriend on the weekends. I knew we were meant to be so I worked even harder on our relationship. He moved in with his roommate and I continued my studies. He started a new job working with his best friend. I didn’t get to see him much with his work schedule of working nights. I finished my semester and came back to town, and found work while continuing my schooling. I have to admit though love was in the air and my thoughts were only of him.

An economic recession hit our town and his hours dwindled and he was struggling to make ends meet. A job opportunity came up for him to move away for a couple of months. He began working for a short term position, so he took it. I wrote him a letter each week and went up to visit before Christmas. I will always be grateful for that time as it was my cousin who got him the job. Him and his family opened up their home to him. This first temporary transfer started my love on the path to his career. My goalie was becoming a working man wearing a uniform and goaltending less. I was really happy for him, but I sensed change was in the air. I’m always right about these feelings, and sure enough he was asked to come back to the new job in a more long term position. So we sat down and decided what the next move would be. Either we parted ways as friends or we continued our relationship. We chose to remain together and found a home to start this new chapter of our lives. 

 

My love, my goalie man. ❤️

 
 It was an exciting and stressful time as I had to find work and move into our new home. The first year of any relationship is the hardest one. I loved him and I was determined that we were going to make it. It wasn’t easy and there was many times I cried a lot and wanted to be more than the girlfriend. He wanted to be with me but marriage wasn’t what he had in mind. So we continued living together and I became stronger in my self worth and concentrated on establishing my own career. I had finally decided what I wanted to do with my life so I went full steam of ahead with my plans. I found a job working in my profession as well as a part time job to supplement this goal.

I put my thoughts of marriage and family on the back burner and settled into a happy lifestyle. We were in love and committed to one another and that was all that mattered. After many years and thirty five weddings attended we got engaged. It was such an exciting time as I was on the road to getting all that I wanted. That can be exhilarating and scary at the same time. We had a fabulous wedding and got married in our hometown with all our friends and family in attendance. The church had a historic significance as it was the one that my Great Grandfather helped build. The greatest compliment ever told to us was that it was like we just found each other. Not a couple that had spent a lifetime together already. Our love for each other shined through with a force of a thousand suns. 

  
One of the most romantic events was the gift I gave to my husband. I wrote him a song and made a demo of it, and had it played at our wedding. We danced to it and looked into each other’s eyes. Time fell away and in that moment there was only us. He soon realized it was me singing and he hugged me so tight I thought he was going to crush me! Oh how I loved that moment and wanted to freeze it in time. 💞

 

   
 
Our honeymoon was on the Oregon coast as this was plan B since our trip to New Orleans was cancelled due to Hurricane Katrina. I knew we were meant to be in Oregon, as it was a magical week of discovering and exploring the beautiful coastline. Our  time there came to an end and we had to go back to reality. We settled into our routine as a married couple and change was in the air again in the way of a job transfer. Off went my husband to a new city and finding us a place to live. I stayed behind and continued working while packing up our house and hiring the moving company. In the new year we had found a beautiful new home, and found out that we were becoming a family. In that first six months of our marriage we did more living than all the years prior!  

We got married, bought a house, and got pregnant. Now here we are twenty five years later, married with two precoius sons, four job transfers later,  and living a happy life. There’s been bumps in the road of marital bliss but nothing we couldn’t handle. I knew our love was meant to be from the first moment my husband made me laugh,  and I got butterflies in my stomach. All these years later I still feel that way about my loveable goalie man.

  

  Is there a time in your life when you knew that someone was the one?

Tell me all about it in the comments below. Please visit all the other blogs in the blog hop for your chance to win the grand prize and read some great love stories. 

Special thank you to P.T. Macias for inviting me to be part of this exciting event. You can find her awesome self on her blog. Please go there to enter for the grand prize of an Amazon gift card! 

  
 
http://ptmacias.blogspot.com/

Sugar’s Fate is P.T.Macias’ latest release.


You can purchase it here:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00RY8OLZQ
 

 

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Pet

I’ve been thinking a lot about my childhood. Things that made me happy, sad, and comfortable in my own skin. I was born two days after my oldest sisters graduation. My Mom and Dad came home with me from the hospital and my middle sister wanted a baby brother. My Dad did the next best thing and got her a dog. He was a black Labrador Retriever and he was named Bo. What an amazing dog he was by far the best pet I ever had theprivilege to love. We didn’t own him he owned our hearts. I don’t even have a picture of him, and if one exists it’s living on a slide. I was born in the day when film was developed into slides. And I’ve acquired quite a collection from my Dad. My long term goal is to convert them to digital and make copies on CD.  

This isnt my dog , but he sure looks like him. Image found on http://www.321dogs.com

Bo was a truly amazing dog, I grew up with him as he 
was just a puppy when my Dad brought him home. He would let my sister and I dress him up in my brother’s t-shirts, hats, and he even let us put a cigar in his mouth! He loved is and was our other brother with fur. When my parents marriage ended and my Mom, sister, and I went to live somewhere else Bo came with us. My Dad didn’t want to split us up and really that was the kindest thing he could do as I was only four and my heart was broken. Bo was my best friend and allowed me to cry and hug him so tight. His fur would be soaked with my tears and yet there he would stay. He got me through many heartaches in my life breakups, arguments with my family, and feeling lonely. We spent so much time together over the years, and Bo would walk my sister and I to and from the bus stop every day. He was our neighbourhood dog and everyone loved him. He would get us home from school, play, and then go off to do his visiting rounds. He would end up at our neighbours down the road, hanging out with their little dog. Across from our home was a field all the kids in the neighbourhood would get together and play baseball and football down there. It was so much fun to see Bo getting excited and chasing the baseball when it would get hit. And since I was an excited child is always throw my bat, and he’d chase after it and bring it back to the next batter up. I still have that wonder bat, my Lousiville Slugger. 

This is a picture of what my bat looks like. It’s a childs version and it goes with me, wherever I live.

As I got older Bo slowed down a lot more. He got more grey

on his whiskers and the tuft of white fur became grayer as well.  He’d still come to to meet us at the bus stop, but he’d sleep in longer in the mornings. I remember the day I could see him out the bus window as I was coming home. All of us kids would knock on the window and wave at him. Suddenly an image flashed in my head and it was dog’s face with fear in his eyes. When I snapped out of it, I opened up my window and yelled at Bo to go home. He couldn’t hear me and I saw his fear filled face and he disappeared under the wheels. I was just sick and ran to the front and demanded my bus driver let out. He did immediately when he saw the tears starting to form in my eyes. 

This was a traumatic memory for me. I didnt look or speak to my busdriver for a long time after.

I ran to see Bo laying there on the front of our neighbours lawn. His fur was matted with blood and when I hugged him he yelped. I continue to pat his head and pray that he was going to be okay. Soon I was surrounded by a crowd of my friends and my sister and our Mom were there beside me. I listened to Bo’s panting and nuzzled my face into his and felt his soft breath on my cheek. I didn’t want to leave him but my Mom was guiding me away and our neighbour was coming to help attend to our dog brother. 


It was two days before my twelfth birthday and I had to say goodbye to my best friend. This happened thirty years ago and I’ve never forgotten it, not wrote about it till now. A piece of my heart went away with my beloved Bo that day. An amazing dog, brother, and best friend. He was very friendly, socially inept, a great temperament and best family pet I could ever ask for. I haven’t wanted to own a pet since that day. But if I ever do it will be a black Labrador Retriever. My oldest son asked me when he was four, if he could have a puppy or a baby brother. I came through on my end of the bargain, so for now we enjoy our visits with our neighbours dog. It makes me smile when I see my youngest son running up and down the yard with Frankie the daschund. I close my eyes and I can see my beloved Bo running on the rainbow bridge. 

This has been my submission to https://lindaghill.com SOCS please check out hers and all the other talent that link up. Thank you for stopping by today. 💓

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Living, Loving, and Surviving

There’s a story I’ve never told, well I’ve touched on it in previous blogs but I’ve never told the whole truth of it. I read a blog last night that hit me with glaring, beautiful, inspiration, and acceptance. This blog at http://heysweetlittlething.wordpress.com reached into my heart and held it in the palm of her hand. She wrote a beautiful, brave,poignant, story about her survival with Post Partum Depression (PPD).

It was liked she walked inside my head went into a filing cabinet and pulled out my memories. I had a beautiful pregnancy with my first child. I ate healthy, exercised, rested, worked retail, taught yoga, and rested some more. Everything was on schedule and I was due on Halloween. What you don’t know about me is I’m short, like 5″1 and by the time I got into my eighth month I was all baby. My Dr asked me how I was feeling and how I was eating. I was starting to slow down walk less, and waddle more. I could only eat small portions because there was just no room. I felt like a whale even though I was told I looked six months along then full term. This should’ve been my cue to my first guilt trip entering parenthood.

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Stock Photo found on Pic Collage

So there I was ready to pop and my baby came into the world two days later. He was a very healthy 7 lbs, 10 oz baby boy and I fell in love the moment I laid eyes on him. He was so long, 21 inches, lean and had a purple cone head. Oh wow he was beautiful to me, as I gazed into his eyes and held him in my loving embrace. He was delivered after eleven hours of labour via emergency Caesarean section. He was only in the NICU for a short amount of time until my IV came out the next day. He had a healthy cry and was very resistant to being swaddled, and had to have his hands and feet sticking out. I called him my baby burrito and little jack rabbit, because he had the biggest feet I’d ever seen on a baby. My dear husband and I took him home and became parents, even though we didn’t have a clue what we were doing. He didn’t sleep much and seemed to be clustered feeding all the time!

My Dr noticed at my six week post partum checkup I was struggling and said I could supplement him. I persevered as I wanted to breastfeed, so I survived on very little sleep, and whatever the nutrition had was gone in one feeding. I couldn’t put my baby down for ten minutes without him shrieking like he was dying. I knew of course he wasn’t, so I took to wearing him in my baby Bjorn carrier so I could get laundry and dishes done. He loved it with being so close to my heart, as I did. My husband had gone back to work after two weeks so I had started a routine to be that stay at home Mom. I started to notice things like how emotional I was and every cry would set me off into panic mode. I knew hormones played a huge role but something was off…

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I remember walking the floor up and down my hallway and around the upstairs and down again trying to get my son to stop crying. I loved him so much and he’d screw up his face and cry until he turned purple. I felt like a huge failure and my heart was breaking with each crying jag. And my sanity was shattering as I was surviving on vapors of sleep. I didn’t know what else to do so I did baby yoga to relief his gas, gave him medicine and rocked him till my body was numb and my ass was square. I then began to lock the doors and check the windows one by one and I was terrified someone was going to break in and kidnap my precious son.

At first I thought this was odd behavior but I rationalized and thought I was sleep deprived and that could make anyone connect with their inner psycho! Then I became possessive and hovered if anyone else held him and I just chalked it up to being a first time Mom. And that could make anyone protective of their first born. Then the day came when my son was three months old and my body was aching from one to many nights in the rocking chair. So I decided to take a bubble bath, I pulled back the curtain and saw this disgusting soap scum bath tub ring and I just lost it! I put my baby in his swing and scrubbed the ring and cried and scrubbed until my bath tub shone, and my hands were raw. I stepped into the tub letting the hot warm envelop and cleanse me from my sins. I loved my baby so much but I couldn’t take anymore sleepless nights. I laid in the tub bawling as my son watched me and rocked back and forth.

Later that evening I was doing my nightly shuffle around the house so my husband could be rested for work. Feed my baby, burp him, change him and try to put him to sleep. He would cry the minute I laid him down and the routine would start all over again. He would eat until I was completely drained, he was like a vampire and could never be full for more than forty-five minutes to an hour. I remember walking past the stairs and thinking if I just fell down them then I wouldn’t have to go through this torture! I never wanted to hurt my baby EVER, I just wanted all the insanity to stop and to finally rest.

I feel such shame and self loathing as I re-read that last sentence. It’s not something I’ve ever forgiven myself for and its been eight years! The next morning I was up when my husband went to work. I told him how I felt and what I was thinking last night. I told him I put our baby to bed in his crib and laid on the floor and cried until I was just an empty shell of a Mom. So my husband called my Uncle and he came over to stay with me so I could get some rest. I called my Dr that day but wasn’t able to get an appointment till the following week so I slept off and on all day, feeding my baby, changing him, till my husband came home. God bless my uncle for being there for me, he saved me that day. As I just wanted to walk out the door and walk away.

The next day my friend and her son’s came over and she took one look at me and said go to bed. And they looked after my baby and brought him to me to feed. She decided to call my husband and tell him I needed a night out and she was concerned about me. I told her how I felt and I couldn’t understand this craziness inside my head. So my husband came home from work, and I was showered and dressed up and ready for a night out. I felt like their was an ice pick plunging into my heart to leave my sweet boy. It had been three months and I never left the house without him. I’m the end I knew it was the best thing for both of us. As I pumped a lot that day, and I knew my friend was an amazing Mom, and my son was in the best of care.

We had a wonderful date night and I felt so relaxed and refreshed. Later that night my husband got up to the what he dubbed the “hockey glide walk” rock, rock, glide, glide, walk around the house. I fed the baby put him back to bed and we all fell asleep! It was miraculous moment in time, later that night I woke up in a panic because I thought my son was in our bed and I was going to suffocate him! I looked at my blankets and I could’ve sworn he was really there and I was going to hurt him. So I sprang out of bed crying turning on lights and looking for him. My husband woke up startled and went to check on our baby and there he was safe and sound, sleeping in his crib.

I called my best friend the next day that lived far away and she said I needed to get out of the house and be around people. She assured me it would be good for me and the baby. I could detect a hint of worry in her voice so I agreed. I went to health unit and there was a few Moms there I had been getting to know. The topic from the health nurse Erin was Postpartum and Beyond. After listening to the discussion and sharing a little of my experience I finally learned what was wrong with me. That day I swear I would’ve kissed Erin, as she saved my life. I had felt horrible for so long then I realized it was my brain chemistry and hormones wrecking havoc with me. After that I went to the library and took any and all books out pertaining to Post Partum Depression. I shared what I was learning with my husband and he could see I had purpose and drive again. Other than being the best Mom I could be for my son. Who I love so much my heart aches with that longing.

My son was growing well and I would lay there on my bed and stare up at the light and watch the fan go round and round. Those were the best times as he was quiet, content, and happy. I had test weighed him at the clinic and then fed him, and he was taking in two to three ounces so the health nurses weren’t concerned. I had kept a food journal since he was in the hospital. Keeping track of how much he ate, what his diapers were, and how long he fed. I had three journals and scraps of papers everywhere so I didn’t lose track. I was able to record it all and take it into my Dr. She said I was very thorough, loving, Mother and I was suffering from PPD. So she gave me the choice to accept medication, nutrition, and therapy. I chose nutrition and therapy and I started attending a support group close by my house.

I met up with the wonderful facilitator and my new friend A from Baby Talk at the health unit was there as well. We were given a manual to read and follow with homework sections. It was about putting ourselves first with rest, proper nutrition, hydration, and socialization. A and I began to bond our babies never slept, ate all the time, and we were walking Mombie’s before The Walking Dead was created as a television series. We spent a lot of time together and she was the one I prayed to God for to help me through my crisis, and gain some understanding. Every since her baby girl reached back and grabbed my son’s giant feet while we were feeding our babies, we were destined to meet.

She is my sister from another mister and we’ve seen each other through another child in our family’s and deaths in our family tree. She has been my rock through thick and thin and her and her family are my own. Even though we live far apart we’re never to far away with social media or a phone call. Our children still have a bond even though they go months without seeing one another. When they are together it’s like they never were apart. Much the same as for us Moms. We walked a very dark path together and have found the light and survived PPD. A. taught me that I’m human being, a wonderful Mom, a loving wife, and a survivor. I admire her courage, bravery, honesty, and the fact that when she wants to give up she admits it, then jumps right into the ring of life again. The journey we take with our children now is a neurological one and we stand by each other sides brave and true.

I owe my survival of Post Partum depression to her friendship, my husband’s unwavering love and support, and the help of my network of kindness from far away. I will agree with Hey Sweet Little Things blog that PPD and any mental health issue are taboo subjects by many in society. They need to be talked about and shared without shame or ridicule. My beloved Mama always said when times were tough life was always better with red lipstick, rouge, and dark sunglasses. And my sweet Gram said that if you had love, laughter, and a cup of tea you could get through anything. I’ve lived my life on these these very wise philosophies. So each day I live, learn, and forgive myself one day at a time.

This story has been written for my Blogging 101 assignment. Getting to know your neighbours by reading their blog and commenting. After commenting write about why it inspired you. Thank you for reading today, and please check out http://heysweetlittlething.wordpress.com. She has a wonderful blog and I’m so happy I found it to start my healing journey. 💓

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This beautiful art used with permission from Arna Baartz http://www.artofkundalini.com

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