Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

My little box of memories

I like to think I’m a juxtaposition of a person I can be soft and gentle with my words and actions, and tough and hard when I feel I’m wronged. I was raised to be strong, speak my mind, and stand up for myself. My parents recognized a tenacious spirit in me when I was very young. I have been a right fighter most of my life. Now I ask myself do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy? 

As a child I could stay awake for hours on end while my poor Mom was sleep deprived and living on pots of cast iron tea to function. This is when four tea bags are added to a tea pot and left to steep all day. My Dad worked long hours as a logger and he would be up getting ready for his work day at midnight. I would still be wide awake partying in my crib. 

He would come into my room and tell me it was time to go to sleep and I would wail even louder. As I got older his attempts to put me to bed became more futile as I had language and comprehension. I would say “Daddy you just go away and mind your own business!”He would walk out shaking his head and say “that bloody kid is lucky she’s cute!”

These are the memories I store in my memory box in my mind. My parents died awhile ago and pictures I have in my memory bank are all I have left. I rely on my older siblings recounts of my childhood and a box of slides to preserve these precious moments in time. I remember when I was young how much I loved to set up the projector to have a slide show as all the happy times came to life on the white sheet pinned to the wall of the living room. The pictures would paint a lively account of the trips we took, birthday parties, baseball games, weddings, and church events. 

Now I store my memories in a special box that keep on my beside table. Inside are pictures of my loved ones,their funeral Mass cards, poems, prayers, and trinkets that they gave me. I have the first story that I ever wrote with my Mom and the first song I wrote for her. I have my Dad’s pins from Lion’s club that he was proud to be a member of for over 30 years. I have a pair of earrings and necklace set from my Gram and Grandpa that they gave me for my graduation, and a old travel sewing kit of my Grandpa’s from the war.

 Each time someone I love passes on I add to this little box. It helps me perserve the love I have for them and keep them alive in my heart. I take them out from time to time when I’m feeling low and in need of a lift from angel wings. I hold them, absorbing the love, energy, and every precious memory I have of my time with them. I feel comforted through my tears as they overcome me with emotion flooding my thoughts, feelings, and actions. 

This little box is my gift I give to myself to pick me up when I stumble and forget how to fly. 
This is a special keepsake that I can pass down to my children when it’s my time to have the special things I’ve given them to place in that box. I’ve written them letters of how I became their Mom and the joy that they have given me with that privilege. As for now I open that box and lovingly hold those memories close to my heart so I will never forget the people who made me who I am today with their presence in my life. I thank them for the gift of their love, light, and guidance. 
  

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Writer’s Quotes Wednesday and #Bewow

I was flipping through my camera role looking for outdoorsy photos. I came across so many pictures of my kids, adventures we had taken, and special moments shared. The one I chose was this autumn picture taken from my favourite spot in my backyard. I lay out in my lounger chair and look up at this tree sharing my thoughts and feeling comforted and protected by its presence and beauty. 

This is a submission to Writer’s Quotes Wednesday  from Siver Threading and #BewowWriter’s Quotes Wednesday and Be a Wonderful Writer check out all the talent pouring forth from that creativity cup. 😃

  

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Fly to the Angels

What does death mean to you? To me it’s like knowing someone’s in another room and it’s locked up and you lost the key to get in. The room’s surrounded by a brick wall that reaches to the sky and the only access you have is to take a magic carpet ride to an awaiting cloud. Does it signify a ending or a new beginning? I could wax poetic about it for hours yet my feelings still remain the same, that death hurts. It takes someone you love away from you and unravels a stray thread in the fabric of your life. It doesn’t leave you to make a decision of I’m just not ready for you to go or even begin to prepare you for goodbye. Death means I look towards heaven and wonder if you’re up there being reunited with your loved ones. So many to count that passed on before you many years ago and some recent souls. I wish I knew if you were met with such an outpouring of love and depth of emotion that it overwhelmed you when you crossed over. All I know is that I have my memories to hold onto and cherish. How your kindness to my family in our times of grief will never be forgotten. I will never forget our last heart to heart discussion, and how it opened up my eyes to seeing our family tree in truth and technicolour. I wish for you all the things you didn’t have on earth peace of mind, comfort, abundant  health, and the ability to feel freedom. I wish for your family love, comfort, and fond memories of your time with them. And most of all I wish that I could see you again and let you how much you mean to me. Goodye, God bless, and may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

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#Monday Musings and my Mindful thoughts

I have so much I want to say, write, and express. Sometimes I feel like there’s not enough hours in the day to get it all out! The words spoken or written come out in a humble jumble and I breathe a sigh of relief. Finally I can focus on something that needs my attention like my overflowing laundry baskets, neglected emails, and that ugly bath tub ring staring at me. 

I get consumed sometimes like there will be there be enough hours in the day to purge myself of these thoughts that hold me captive. Will there be enough lyrics in a song, enough stanzas in a poem, will my insatiable thirst for knowledge ever be quenched as I spend my late night owl hours researching neurology? 

Will I allow myself to rest or will the anxiety monster that lives inside me roar up and raise its ugly head yelling at me never shall you sleep with ease while I’m in charge! What is it about this desire, drive, curiousity, and deep seated need that feels like home to me? It’s all I’ve ever known so is it possible to be something or someone else who isn’t acting on the impulse of that steady thrumming in my head and heart?  

To be all I can be, when I can, as much as I can before it’s too late! And why will it ever be too late when will the worry jagged lines carved into my brain cease to exist? I really can’t answer that to worry feels like breathing to me. I can get on a good righteous path and do really well with controlling it for awhile. Then something always happens and sends me into a tailspin watching, waiting, and questioning my anxiety fueled fears. 

Gripping me in it’s vise grip hold choking the pure joy out of me and drowning me in sadness and worry. I want to break free and live that life I dream of on the overside of the coin, than overdose in this blanket of fear. I cry out in pain, praying for God to release me from this torment of my mind! My life has never been an easy one like anyone else on this spinning orb we call earth I grew up in dysfunction. 

I was loved it was just the people who loved me grew out of love for each other. Or maybe there was a deep rooted love there but no respect. I spent my childhood days wanting that picture perfect family I saw shining in all its Hollywood glory on Happy Days. Even the Fonz in his cool leather jacket, and rebellious ways was Arthur to the Cunninghams and was loved and found worthy.

Why did I need this so much I was only four when my parents separated? I worried so much with my religious background, that they would end up in purgatory for their sins. I wanted desperately to solve the problems of the adults around me and everything to go back to what I considered normal. That word always left me feeling so inadequate because I never felt like I could live up to its expectations. 

Normal is really just a figment in my mind. My Mom always told me I was born to stand out and to never let anyone tell me my star couldn’t shine. She had such a lovely positive spirit and a way with words spoken, written, or sung. Losing her was my normal first to dementia, and next to death. When both felt like my heart was being ripped from my body! 

There are days when I just don’t want to worry anymore. How I just want to see my beloved Mama again and collaspe into tears in her lap; where she strokes my hair and tells me this too shall pass. But she’s not there and sometimes it’s only a Mom’s hug that can heal the wounds of your heart. 

An emotional roller coaster on the anxiety highway is my reality. When it gets too much I turn off the world and unplug and slip into my sensory pleasure of music. Singing with all my being so loud that even heaven could hear me. Those are the times I feel closer to my version of normal and as my heart soars and my spirits sings, getting me one step closer to God and freedom and to her voice and love. 

Today I’m linking up with #Mondaymusings hosted by Corinne at Everyday Gyyan and co-hosted by Reflections. I thank them for this opportunity to link up and express myself to a new audience. 😊

 

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Writer’s Quotes Wednesday

I was sitting here thinking of things from my past and about an old friend I lost much too soon. As my memories came flooding back so did my tears and then this quote came to be. Hold your loved ones close as we never how long God will lend them to us. 

  
This has been my contribution to  Silver Threading Writer’s Quotes Wednesday. Please check out her inspirational and very talented group. Thank you. ❤️

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TTOT and the dog days of summer 

I’m on a roll submitting, meeting deadlines, and writing a lot! Then it comes to the end of the week when I can share all the bucket full of thankfuls. I’m so thankful you are here dear readers. ❤️

  
I’m so thankful that my muse keeps whispering in my ear and I keep writing. It’s my life’s blood on this digital paper and I appreciate you being here to read whatever my mind can conjure up.

I’m thankful for meeting my deadlines for linkups, submissions, and continuing on with my blogging challenge. I linked up with a lovely writer who’s word prompts have inspired some amazing menories for me. I took a brief hiatus from the weekly prompt, but now I’m making the commitment to get back at it. 

I’m thankful for the beautiful dog days of summer. Today I just lounged, laughed, and loved with my family. Tis this is what life is really all about, love the ones your with. ❤️

I’m thankful for the positive responses I’ve had with reaching out and connecting with old friends. Time and distance play a big role in the way life can disconnect you. But to know I was being missed as much, as I was doing the missing is a fabulous feeling indeed! 😃

I’m thankful for having my favourite spot to sit and read or just look out at the water. It brings me such peace in my day when I need it the most.  

 
I’m thankful for hiking in wonderful places in my neighbourhood with my kids. Seeing the thrill of discovery on their faces and satisfaction for completing a tough trail is all the reward I’ll ever need in their smiles. 😊

  
I’m thankful for getting to read in the gorgeous sunshine today. I didn’t fret about housework or laundry I just relaxed and let the words wash over me like a much needed shower. 

I’m thankful for parks, playgrounds, and happy kids. They love adventuring and being outdoors as much as me. We go to the park and play, use our imaginations, and I sit on my swing and can fly in the air for hours. 

  
I’m thankful for my continuing fitness journey and seeing the pounds and inches of my depression weight melt away. I call it that as   that’s how I gained it. I feel so much better having my morning shakes and utilizing that energy to get caught up on my projects. 

Most of all I’m thankful to Lizzy’s and the Ten Things of Thankful family she’s created here on every corner of the globe. Uniting us through our words, memories, and glittering, sparkling love. 💖 

 

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One Liner Wednesday

I have been struggling lately with death, mortality, and grief. I live honestly and my pain is broadcast through my emotions. Sometimes I think I should hide more and feel less, but this moment put all my fears to rest. My preschooler son saw my tears and just wiped them away and said “Mom who hurt your heart?” I was so overcome with emotion I hugged him tight and said “life did, but you’re healing it honey.” ❤️

This has been my submission to Linda G Hill One Liner Wednesday. I didn’t have anything funny to share so today I shared something heartfelt. Please check out all the talent that link up. Thank you. 💕

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Writer’s Quotes Wednesday

  

This has been my submission to Silver Threading Writer’s Quotes Wednesday please come and see all the amazing talent who link up. Thank you. ❤️

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Writer’s Quotes Wednesday

My heart and my world have been filled with sadness. I sit here in my grief feeling thankful for my memories I shared with my beloved friend. Today I’m thankful that God gave her to me for albeit a short time. She was my gift and I was blessed to be in her golden chain of friendships. 💖
  
This has been my submission to Silverthreading please have a look at her quote and all the other talent that linkup, thank you. ❤️

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#1000 speak- My heart Connection to the ones I love 

My story I have to tell is a treasured one, it’s one I think about when I steal away for some quite hours to myself. I’ve moved a lot in my life between parents, Grandparents, and siblings. I have always been searching for that connection I had when I was young when I’d sit around the table drinking cast iron tea (steeped so much it poured out black into my porcelain cup). I would nibble on my Irish scones  and laugh with my elders. They would call me a “little tea Granny” and I would feel this amazing heart connection.
 As I mentioned earlier I had a wandering spirit and then I met and fell in love with another. We have formed this beautiful union made complete with our children. We have moved due to my husband’s job transfers four times in the last 20 years. Three times as a newly married couple and twice as family. We have now lived in our new home for almost a year. Every town that I live at I strive to make a heart connection. I’ve been blessed to work a lot and able to make friends easily, before marriage. After marriage and children I found the opportunities were plentiful, and my life had become all about parks, play dates, and picnics.

 I have met a lot of people and established friendships in every town I’ve lived in. It hasn’t been easy moving so much and making those connections. But I’ve persevered and done my best to socialize with other parents through my son’s schools or sport teams. When I moved from my hometown where I was born and raised, I lived in a town the same size. I worked a lot and my love and I were new to living together. We were in that town for thirteen years and will always feel like home to me. There I was established a heart connection and the best of friends I could ever ask for! 

We got engaged there and spent our first few months as a married couple there. When we moved to the city we had been married, bought our first house, and were expecting our first child. It was a whirlwind of moving in, unpacking and seeing all the things I owned after three months. I met friends through my husband’s work and my own. Then I took my maternity  leave and along came my precious baby. I attended a baby talk group for parents and met a wonderful group of Mom’s. We all remain friends to this day, and have seen our children grow up together. Over the years the circle grew and spread out as a few of us have moved away. There’s still the four of us that remain heart connected  and keep each other in the know of our lives. 

We were blessed to live there for six years and with them I found my sisterhood. I then moved on to a smaller town that charmed me with it’s beautiful mountain air, lakes, and forests and reminded me of my hometown. I met the most wonderful neighbour who filled our heart and home with her generosity, kindness, and love. Who took to my children like Grandma would to Grandchildren. She adored them and they loved and cherished her in return. In this town I met some wonderful parents, attended play group with my youngest, and school with my oldest. I went to the same place almost daily where I felt was a safe little cocoon in my life. 

While I struggled to sell a home, find a home, and survive hotel living for half a year! I have always loved the theatre so I attended a play with my son and I in costume and connected with each performance from this talented cast. We joined up for their next production and in that time the heart connection was made with my new theatre family.  I was blessed with and given a Mom who I fell in love with her giving heart, adorable children, and her strong faith in God and humanity that echoed my own. I found a Mom with incredible visual and artistic talent and a devotion to make a better life for her son then she had for herself.

 It was there in that play group I found the yin to my yang with a Mom who’s children were her life line and they were hers. This woman gave so freely from her heart, loved with her whole being, touched lives and hearts with her beautiful smile and friendly manner. It is because of her that I made it through a very long four month stint of solo parenting when my husband got transferred. 

 She sat with me and laughed and cried over wine, memories of our beloved Mom’s, and the dreams for our children. She looked after my children so I could attend theatre practices, loving them like her own. I was given the gift of friendship with her brilliant mind, heart, and love. Our hearts connected and I’ve never been the same since. And it fills me with great sadness that I have to attend her funeral tomorrow instead of hugging her hello. She flies with the angels now, talks with them, and looks down upon her loved ones with a joy and pride. Fly gently onto thee rest my sweet angel friend. Heaven was made a greater place with your entrance. Until I see you again, I offer this simple prayer. 

  

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