Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

Miss 

What did I miss today with my head in the clouds or my nose in a book? Sometimes life travels at the speed of light and I have to slow things down and appreciate those moments that might pass me by. 

It feels wonderful to unplug and feel the smooth pages of my next adventure to get lost in. I can go to any coffee shop, restaurant, or theatre and find people with faces in their phone scenery. When I look up at the sky and see the endless possibilities as the sun sets to signal the end of a day. 
Or the beauty of a sunrise as I’m traveling down the road to my next destination. Feeling that sun kiss my face and bathe in it’s stunning glow is a gift from heaven. I can read, write, and wax poetic about this feeling yet to experience it puts all my efforts to shame. I will miss experiencing my children’s giggles as they entertain each other with their antics on a long road trip when we’re awake before the sun. 

I have to look up and see the tapestry of my life that I’ve woven carefully with each golden thread. Friends that smile and wish you all the best and reach out to me and I feel that happiness. What will I miss if I give into my fears and let the anxiety overwhelm me into tears. I would miss that special moments between my love and I those conversations that help me when I want to cry. 

Life is too short to keep my head down and try to escape. When I look up I can see smiles instead of judgement. It’s easy to get lost and think it’s all in my head. When I get too introspective and have nothing but dread. 

This stream of conscious thought has turned into something more. Free running thoughts untangling themselves from the jumble in my mind to turn into poetry or prose. It all feels the same as when the feeling takes over and I’m held captive with how healing my words have become.

 These mindful moments have taught me to look up instead of down, look within instead around. Let love heal you, when you’d rather run and hide. You’ll never know what you’ll miss if you give into foolish pride. 

This Saturday stream of conscious thought is from the lovely Linda G Hill. Today’s word prompt is miss and this is my version as I write on a family road trip. Thanks for journeying with me today as I clear out the cobwebs of my mind. 

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Writer’s Quotes Wednesdays and #Bewow

Inspiration finds me in the most opportune times. I talk about and study neuroscience as the research captures my fascination. I’m never at a shortage of knowledge or picturesque opportunities for growth as I fill my days with wonderful words from poets, philanthropists, personal development specialists, free thinkers, and listening and sharing with the young and amazing minds of my children. Today is one of those days where the words flow, the ideas form, and creativity is ignited. Thank you for sharing this moment with me today as I submit my meme to Silver Threading and #Bewow linkup. Please follow the link and be inspired yourself. ❤️

  

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#Mondaymusings-Thanksgiving

   This is a special day to me the day I celebrate how thankful I am on my Canadian Thanksgiving. It doesn’t take a lot of practice to be thankful, but it takes a lot of self control to not be negative and stop complaining. I took a 21 day stop complaining challenge that my lovely friend invited me to. I learned more about myself and my knee jerk trigger reactions to daily life in 3 weeks, than I would’ve just allowing myself to complain. You can read about it here.  I felt more empowered after I completed the challenge to do more loving acts of kindness, be more positive , and to stop complaining! 

I now focus on being thankful for my blessings and remind myself to complain less. I’m finding with each thing that irks me I become mindful and just breathe and then will myself to let it go. It makes me feel so much more in control of my emotions instead of letting them control me. My relationship with my children has become closer and better because I’m focusing on hearing them out then just jumping to conclusions and complaining. 
I read something awhile back in a parenting workshop about how to miss a childhood, and one thing that stood out to me was not listening to your children. As the days went by where I was keeping myself accountable to stop my endless complaining I began to really listen. I’m a talker I like to use different tones and inflections in my voice so to just listen was a feat in itself! The more I did though, the more I connected with my son’s, and the more they wanted to connect with me. 

I have always been a right fighter and needed to have the last word. In my marriage that has led to difficult times. I always tended to blame my childhood as I’m the youngest of six. Growing up as the youngest I didn’t always feel my voice was heard without yelling and fighting. But the sad truth is I’ve been in denial I just wanted to be simply be right and validated.  As I became more mindful of this trigger my marriage changed for the better. More love, more patience, and more respect were infused in my thoughts, words, and actions was the result. 

I began to listen more and talk less, and it changed me from always needing to be right and have the last word. I won’t kid myself and say this isn’t a struggle some days. It’s been a large part of my life and I won’t change overnight. I’m confident though that I will change daily. Because I’m so thankful for my family they lift me up when my heart’s hurting, and love and forgive me when I don’t feel I deserve it. I’m so thankful that I am a strong personality to contend with because I don’t back down, and that has served me well with advocating for my children. 

They’re starting to see a gentler, more mindful Mom than a screaming, complaining banshee of a torment. I’m not proud of those moments when I’ve let the crazy train run off the rails. I am proud that I’ve taken the steps to change that from promoting and participating in my self care. I exercise more, and panic less. I meditate more and hold my breath less. I’m thankful for the calm that can full my days if I allow it to. I’m thankful for this rebirth of me and my loves, my country, and this Thanksgiving day. ❤️

Today I’ve linked up with Everyday Gyaan co-hosted by Kalidescope as part of Write Tribes #Mondaymusings. This is what I was musing about today, thank you for stopping by. 😊

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#Monday Musings and my Mindful thoughts

I have so much I want to say, write, and express. Sometimes I feel like there’s not enough hours in the day to get it all out! The words spoken or written come out in a humble jumble and I breathe a sigh of relief. Finally I can focus on something that needs my attention like my overflowing laundry baskets, neglected emails, and that ugly bath tub ring staring at me. 

I get consumed sometimes like there will be there be enough hours in the day to purge myself of these thoughts that hold me captive. Will there be enough lyrics in a song, enough stanzas in a poem, will my insatiable thirst for knowledge ever be quenched as I spend my late night owl hours researching neurology? 

Will I allow myself to rest or will the anxiety monster that lives inside me roar up and raise its ugly head yelling at me never shall you sleep with ease while I’m in charge! What is it about this desire, drive, curiousity, and deep seated need that feels like home to me? It’s all I’ve ever known so is it possible to be something or someone else who isn’t acting on the impulse of that steady thrumming in my head and heart?  

To be all I can be, when I can, as much as I can before it’s too late! And why will it ever be too late when will the worry jagged lines carved into my brain cease to exist? I really can’t answer that to worry feels like breathing to me. I can get on a good righteous path and do really well with controlling it for awhile. Then something always happens and sends me into a tailspin watching, waiting, and questioning my anxiety fueled fears. 

Gripping me in it’s vise grip hold choking the pure joy out of me and drowning me in sadness and worry. I want to break free and live that life I dream of on the overside of the coin, than overdose in this blanket of fear. I cry out in pain, praying for God to release me from this torment of my mind! My life has never been an easy one like anyone else on this spinning orb we call earth I grew up in dysfunction. 

I was loved it was just the people who loved me grew out of love for each other. Or maybe there was a deep rooted love there but no respect. I spent my childhood days wanting that picture perfect family I saw shining in all its Hollywood glory on Happy Days. Even the Fonz in his cool leather jacket, and rebellious ways was Arthur to the Cunninghams and was loved and found worthy.

Why did I need this so much I was only four when my parents separated? I worried so much with my religious background, that they would end up in purgatory for their sins. I wanted desperately to solve the problems of the adults around me and everything to go back to what I considered normal. That word always left me feeling so inadequate because I never felt like I could live up to its expectations. 

Normal is really just a figment in my mind. My Mom always told me I was born to stand out and to never let anyone tell me my star couldn’t shine. She had such a lovely positive spirit and a way with words spoken, written, or sung. Losing her was my normal first to dementia, and next to death. When both felt like my heart was being ripped from my body! 

There are days when I just don’t want to worry anymore. How I just want to see my beloved Mama again and collaspe into tears in her lap; where she strokes my hair and tells me this too shall pass. But she’s not there and sometimes it’s only a Mom’s hug that can heal the wounds of your heart. 

An emotional roller coaster on the anxiety highway is my reality. When it gets too much I turn off the world and unplug and slip into my sensory pleasure of music. Singing with all my being so loud that even heaven could hear me. Those are the times I feel closer to my version of normal and as my heart soars and my spirits sings, getting me one step closer to God and freedom and to her voice and love. 

Today I’m linking up with #Mondaymusings hosted by Corinne at Everyday Gyyan and co-hosted by Reflections. I thank them for this opportunity to link up and express myself to a new audience. 😊

 

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Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind

It’s confession time I have been marking the days off on my calendar with a big red X. Three guesses on why I’m doing that? Yes you guessed right if you’re Canadian, it’s back to school time. It’s been a long fun summer but it’s time for pencils, books, and learning the fine art of listening again. 

My oldest son is very excited about this school year and having a new teacher. To ease his anxiety filled mind I requested a meet and greet as soon as school was out. It was wonderful as his teacher is new to the school and that made him feel better knowing that. This year my son is not the new kid on the block and that’s a comforting thought. 

As the bullying he had to endure last year made for a difficult start. I spent so much in the vice principal’s office you would think I was staff! Now this month of August has left us with the last few dog days of summer before school’s in session. I wanted to make this an amazing summer for my kids because last year we were moving. 

I have things up my sleeve planned to surprise them. Yet I have to do this strategically as my oldest doesn’t like surprises and will ask 52 questions before we leave the house. My youngest loves the act of a surprise initially, but with his sensory processing disorder this makes transitions very difficult for him. I load up the kids and my truck and I tell them we’re going on an adventure. Sometimes that’s enough to cause them excitement or for me to be incessantly asked are we there yet? So it ends up working either way the stress of keeping a surprise, organizing my family to leave the house, is either a positive experience or negative one.

 I always prefer it to be the former than the latter, and if it doesn’t work out I at least gave it a try. Sometimes all this thinking wears me out, and I feel like I’m losing my mind! Do you know when you have a dream and you don’t want to wake up because it’s so wonderful than the reality you’re living? Sometimes I have those moments, and other times I feel like I had a dream I didn’t plan on dreaming.

 I don’t know if that makes sense when you’re reading it, but it makes sense to me as my stream of conscious thought keeps unravelling one layer of yarn at a time….

This is my submission to Stream of Conscious Thought I’ve had a brief hiatus from participating so I’m happy to be back to where the thoughts flow and the talent oozes from this creative place. Please check out this haven, and see if you can guess today’s prompt. 😉

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Mindfulness

I look around me and I see all the beauty around me. I see the sun shining as it rises up over the hills. As it floods the sky with it’s beautiful pinks, yellow, and blues. I walk out onto my deck with my tea cup in hand, and I’m struck with how blessed I am. The colours swirl and intermingle as the sun starts to rise in the sky. I wrap myself up in my fuzzy blanket and sip my tea. This morning I’m not thinking of my to do list, what to make for dinner, or about the laundry that needs folding. For now I sit back and enjoy the beauty and tranquility in this moment. 

 

  
Soon my quiet will be broken as my alarm goes off and it’s time to get my oldest son up for school. I sit with him and we chat about what will happen in his day as he eats breakfast. Soon he’s dressed, ready, kissed, hugged and out the door while his little brother still slumbers. I crawl back into my bed and read for a few delicious moments before he wakes up. These quiet moments hold such beauty for me as they’re few and far between. I catch up on my reading, laundry, and I hear the sound of my youngest son waking. 

He’s so much like me not a morning person as he stomps down the hall. If he was old enough to drink coffee I’m sure he’d demand where it is! We sit and snuggle under my cozy blanket as he adjusts to his wakefulness. After he gets his fill of Mommy’s cuddles we have breakfast. By now he’s wide awake and filling every empty space with his chattering. I smile and realize just how precious and beautiful it is to hear his voice. The beauty of it is that he was speech delayed for so long. Where he only had a few words at two, now at four there’s a word and comprehension explosion! I love to see his face when he says certain words like delicious, sure, I will eat up the no or throw maybe in the garbage when he doesn’t like something being said. 

My sons fill my life and my heart with their love, honesty, and the beautiful beings that they are. When it came to God blessing my husband and I with these two precious souls we hit the jackpot. There’s such a tenderness in the way they love and adore each other and us. I casually joke around that we’re riding the crazy train or going to crazy town, and I’ve been told I’m the mayor of it by my youngest!  And when I hear Ozzy’s Osbourne’s song Crazy Train I will crank it up and exclaim this is my jam. But oh how I love them, and want to hold them and stop them from growing up so fast! I know that’s not possible but time can just stand still for a little while. The magic of the moments frozen in time fill my love bucket to the brim! 
  
It’s time for me to carry on with my day doing my chores. Tidying up my kitchen, unloading, and loading the dishwasher while listening to my favourite radio station. There’s a mindfulness in the rhythm of my life. As I listen to my washing machine singing its little tune that it’s done, and my son and I walk down the stairs, counting each step as we go. 

He trots off to the toy room as I switch the laundry over and carry on to the living room. I set him up with a movie and as he relaxes into the comfort of his blanket and the antics of Toopie and Binoo I watch him with amazement. How much he’s grown, endured, and how he sees the world. I pull out my treadmill, set it up, and step on. As I start out with walking and work up to a light jog I’ve entered my zen. I’m lost in the mindfulness of my footsteps while  I hear my adorable son’s infectious giggles, the whir of the motor, and I feel my heart beating in the rhythm of mindful beauty.  

This has been my contribution to the #OBP #bunkerpunkwordswap. Come and follow along and read some amazing bloggers today. Thank you. ❤️ 

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