Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

#Monday Musings and my Mindful thoughts

I have so much I want to say, write, and express. Sometimes I feel like there’s not enough hours in the day to get it all out! The words spoken or written come out in a humble jumble and I breathe a sigh of relief. Finally I can focus on something that needs my attention like my overflowing laundry baskets, neglected emails, and that ugly bath tub ring staring at me. 

I get consumed sometimes like there will be there be enough hours in the day to purge myself of these thoughts that hold me captive. Will there be enough lyrics in a song, enough stanzas in a poem, will my insatiable thirst for knowledge ever be quenched as I spend my late night owl hours researching neurology? 

Will I allow myself to rest or will the anxiety monster that lives inside me roar up and raise its ugly head yelling at me never shall you sleep with ease while I’m in charge! What is it about this desire, drive, curiousity, and deep seated need that feels like home to me? It’s all I’ve ever known so is it possible to be something or someone else who isn’t acting on the impulse of that steady thrumming in my head and heart?  

To be all I can be, when I can, as much as I can before it’s too late! And why will it ever be too late when will the worry jagged lines carved into my brain cease to exist? I really can’t answer that to worry feels like breathing to me. I can get on a good righteous path and do really well with controlling it for awhile. Then something always happens and sends me into a tailspin watching, waiting, and questioning my anxiety fueled fears. 

Gripping me in it’s vise grip hold choking the pure joy out of me and drowning me in sadness and worry. I want to break free and live that life I dream of on the overside of the coin, than overdose in this blanket of fear. I cry out in pain, praying for God to release me from this torment of my mind! My life has never been an easy one like anyone else on this spinning orb we call earth I grew up in dysfunction. 

I was loved it was just the people who loved me grew out of love for each other. Or maybe there was a deep rooted love there but no respect. I spent my childhood days wanting that picture perfect family I saw shining in all its Hollywood glory on Happy Days. Even the Fonz in his cool leather jacket, and rebellious ways was Arthur to the Cunninghams and was loved and found worthy.

Why did I need this so much I was only four when my parents separated? I worried so much with my religious background, that they would end up in purgatory for their sins. I wanted desperately to solve the problems of the adults around me and everything to go back to what I considered normal. That word always left me feeling so inadequate because I never felt like I could live up to its expectations. 

Normal is really just a figment in my mind. My Mom always told me I was born to stand out and to never let anyone tell me my star couldn’t shine. She had such a lovely positive spirit and a way with words spoken, written, or sung. Losing her was my normal first to dementia, and next to death. When both felt like my heart was being ripped from my body! 

There are days when I just don’t want to worry anymore. How I just want to see my beloved Mama again and collaspe into tears in her lap; where she strokes my hair and tells me this too shall pass. But she’s not there and sometimes it’s only a Mom’s hug that can heal the wounds of your heart. 

An emotional roller coaster on the anxiety highway is my reality. When it gets too much I turn off the world and unplug and slip into my sensory pleasure of music. Singing with all my being so loud that even heaven could hear me. Those are the times I feel closer to my version of normal and as my heart soars and my spirits sings, getting me one step closer to God and freedom and to her voice and love. 

Today I’m linking up with #Mondaymusings hosted by Corinne at Everyday Gyyan and co-hosted by Reflections. I thank them for this opportunity to link up and express myself to a new audience. 😊

 

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Monday Musings

I sit here lost in my thoughts and I wonder to myself what shall I muse about today on this Monday? I have woke up feeling exhausted from all that magical lunar energy that was shared across the globe last night. The truth is I spend a lot of late nights with the moon as my company. Last night wasn’t any different except of the status of the moon in all it’s super blood moon glory! 

 

My view from the live feed from Clay Center Observatory

 
Unfortunately cloud cover impeded my viewing experience yet I knew there was magic happening up there. That helped me to feel connected with the rest of the world and their revelations as we were all gazing upon the same splendour. The lunar vibration in the air was electric and I felt old ideas, thoughts, and patterns start to fall away. Only to have new ideas, creative thoughts, and a sense of renewal take it’s place. A time of rebirth and renewal will begin to take shape in my life and things will start to make sense again. Where I will be blossoming and beginning to thrive instead of just survive! 

   
I like to think of the moon as my late night companion. He comforts me when I can’t sleep due to worry, anxiety, wrapped up in an insomnia based package. When I’m awake listening to the sounds of snoring drifting from each of the bedrooms in my household. As I make my rounds checking on my children tucking them in, tidying up their rooms, making sure they’re organized for school. I then go back and check and re-check my youngest as he suffers with sleep disordered breathing. After two years, countless hours, days, weeks, and months of sleep deprivation he will have a poly sonogram to investigate what the problem is. 

I’ve been through a lot to get him help and haven’t given up when told he had a long tongue that was falling back in his throat and obstructing his airway. I have held him in my arms as his body relaxed and his head tilted back and he stopped breathing. I have shook him awake and cried countless years of tears waiting for his breathing pattern to continue slow and steady. 

During these times the moon has been my best friend comforting me when no one else could. Seeing my tears and without judgement I continued to let them fall until I was emotionally spent. My exhaustion knows no end so I do my best to keep healthy with exercise and proper nutrition. I have ran in empty for far too long so self care has become my saving grace. 

Tonight won’t be any different from any other night. I’ll make the school lunches, bath, book, bed routine will commence with my children. They will read to, loved, cuddled, and prayed for. And the moon will be there for me as I read, write, think, and pray to get through another day watching over me like an old friend. Departing wisdom and magic upon me right when I need it the most. 

This has been my privilege to linkup with Monday Musings hosted by the lovely Crazy Little Family Adventure. If you’re interested in joining up click on the info above. 

#mondaymusings

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