Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

Pause 

There are moments in time I’d like to freeze as my children are growing up so fast. One tells me I’m the mayor of Crazy Town (in our household it’s a real place) the other asks me such interesting questions about the Mir space station and will Steve Harvey ever host a Miss America pagent again? 

I still remember when they were babies and the circumstances that led up to me bringing them into the world. One two days late and long and skinny and purple as Barney the dinosaur. The cord was wrapped around his neck and his head was too wide to engage down into the birth canal. He had the brightest eyes and watched my every move as fascinated with me as I was with him. Oh how I loved him I knew he was waiting for me all along. 

I have to pause that moment when he squeezed my finger and looked up into my eyes as it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Now he’s 4″8 and soon will be height at nine years old and towering over me by the time he’s licenced to drive. His little brother made his scary and rapid appearance before I had a chance to prepare for it. I knew nothing about early onset labor and all that will follow having a premature baby. 

I have to press play on my memory bank as those two weeks of having my baby in the hospital NICU are a blur of emotions. He came into the world sleeping the OBGYN actually woke him up as he cut him out of me and lifted him over top of the blue sheet. He was like a little loaf of bread all curled up and he made this meowing sound and I burst out laughing. I looked at my husband and said “did our baby just meow?”

Then the whole OR started laughing and it broke the thick as ice tension with the seriousness of my son’s early arrival. He was such a mystery to me and didn’t open up his eyes for five days. Then when he did I felt like I could see all the wonders of the world. My baby had an old soul and he looked at me as if to say it’s ok Mom I’ve done this before. 

The love I had in that moment enveloped me like a warm mist floating through me and all around as I was lost in the swirling rainbow of emotions. I have to pause that moment in time as everything I read about Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet came flooding back to me. 

Your children are not your children.

They are sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not of you. 

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

For such a young little life he had this wisdom about him and I was captured by it. When we brought him home he conpleted our family with his gentleness. It took him two more weeks to find his voice as he was quiet and serious. It was like he was taking every moment in of his new world and didn’t want to miss a minute of it to sleep. We settled into our family of four and I went into grief recovery as my Mom had died five weeks prior to my baby’s birth. 

I felt so much guilt because I loved her so much I couldn’t hold onto my pregnancy. I wanted to pause the last moment I had with her as I told her we were expecting again. The warmth in her hands as she squeezed mine, and the glow in her eyes was my most cherished moment with her. 

I know she watches over my children and wants our greatest gift to be our happiness. Cuddling with my husband while watching our kids entertain us with their antics these are the moments I’d love to pause and hold them in their youth a little longer. 

This had been my Stream of Consciousness Saturday with Linda G Hill as part of Just Jot January posting everyday for the month. Today’s prompt was the word pause. 

  

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Miss 

What did I miss today with my head in the clouds or my nose in a book? Sometimes life travels at the speed of light and I have to slow things down and appreciate those moments that might pass me by. 

It feels wonderful to unplug and feel the smooth pages of my next adventure to get lost in. I can go to any coffee shop, restaurant, or theatre and find people with faces in their phone scenery. When I look up at the sky and see the endless possibilities as the sun sets to signal the end of a day. 
Or the beauty of a sunrise as I’m traveling down the road to my next destination. Feeling that sun kiss my face and bathe in it’s stunning glow is a gift from heaven. I can read, write, and wax poetic about this feeling yet to experience it puts all my efforts to shame. I will miss experiencing my children’s giggles as they entertain each other with their antics on a long road trip when we’re awake before the sun. 

I have to look up and see the tapestry of my life that I’ve woven carefully with each golden thread. Friends that smile and wish you all the best and reach out to me and I feel that happiness. What will I miss if I give into my fears and let the anxiety overwhelm me into tears. I would miss that special moments between my love and I those conversations that help me when I want to cry. 

Life is too short to keep my head down and try to escape. When I look up I can see smiles instead of judgement. It’s easy to get lost and think it’s all in my head. When I get too introspective and have nothing but dread. 

This stream of conscious thought has turned into something more. Free running thoughts untangling themselves from the jumble in my mind to turn into poetry or prose. It all feels the same as when the feeling takes over and I’m held captive with how healing my words have become.

 These mindful moments have taught me to look up instead of down, look within instead around. Let love heal you, when you’d rather run and hide. You’ll never know what you’ll miss if you give into foolish pride. 

This Saturday stream of conscious thought is from the lovely Linda G Hill. Today’s word prompt is miss and this is my version as I write on a family road trip. Thanks for journeying with me today as I clear out the cobwebs of my mind. 

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Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind

It’s confession time I have been marking the days off on my calendar with a big red X. Three guesses on why I’m doing that? Yes you guessed right if you’re Canadian, it’s back to school time. It’s been a long fun summer but it’s time for pencils, books, and learning the fine art of listening again. 

My oldest son is very excited about this school year and having a new teacher. To ease his anxiety filled mind I requested a meet and greet as soon as school was out. It was wonderful as his teacher is new to the school and that made him feel better knowing that. This year my son is not the new kid on the block and that’s a comforting thought. 

As the bullying he had to endure last year made for a difficult start. I spent so much in the vice principal’s office you would think I was staff! Now this month of August has left us with the last few dog days of summer before school’s in session. I wanted to make this an amazing summer for my kids because last year we were moving. 

I have things up my sleeve planned to surprise them. Yet I have to do this strategically as my oldest doesn’t like surprises and will ask 52 questions before we leave the house. My youngest loves the act of a surprise initially, but with his sensory processing disorder this makes transitions very difficult for him. I load up the kids and my truck and I tell them we’re going on an adventure. Sometimes that’s enough to cause them excitement or for me to be incessantly asked are we there yet? So it ends up working either way the stress of keeping a surprise, organizing my family to leave the house, is either a positive experience or negative one.

 I always prefer it to be the former than the latter, and if it doesn’t work out I at least gave it a try. Sometimes all this thinking wears me out, and I feel like I’m losing my mind! Do you know when you have a dream and you don’t want to wake up because it’s so wonderful than the reality you’re living? Sometimes I have those moments, and other times I feel like I had a dream I didn’t plan on dreaming.

 I don’t know if that makes sense when you’re reading it, but it makes sense to me as my stream of conscious thought keeps unravelling one layer of yarn at a time….

This is my submission to Stream of Conscious Thought I’ve had a brief hiatus from participating so I’m happy to be back to where the thoughts flow and the talent oozes from this creative place. Please check out this haven, and see if you can guess today’s prompt. 😉

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