Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

Open 

Trigger alert: If you’re suffering from any mental health issues pertaining to cutting or suicide. Proceed to read with caution. I discuss both in text openly. 

My life is an open book I’ve acted like I’ve had together but I really don’t. I’ve found out it takes a village to raise a child. And how lonely life can be when you don’t have a village. I’ve been open about not feeling like an adequate parent, good wife, or being a lousy friend. I have retreated into my world of words and writing, and have tried to make sense of the chaos before me. I’ve advocated for mine and my children’s mental health and have been told to hurry up and wait. Last week after an epic blow up between my oldest son and I, I put all my fears aside and phoned the mental office office. I was told to come down between the hours of 11 am to 3 pm and someone would have a meet and greet with me. 

This is how mental health is dealt with in my province. You’re set up to meet with someone who greets you and sees if you meet the criteria for obtaining services. So I went down there last Friday only to be told the Doctors aren’t seeing anymore walk ins today. That’s the worst lunch bag let down for the week. After talking my son into agreeing he does need help I leave empty handed. Today after battling with him to get up and go to school he decides not to go. I can’t deal with it after being up late myself with his brother having nightmares. I go back to bed, only to be woken up and blamed by my oldest for not going to school.

 I tell him just go eat and get dressed you’ll only be a little late. Then the fight begins that I failed him yet again, and he’s not walking into school late! I get a much anticipated call from my respite worker and I end up telling her everything that I didn’t get to tell her yesterday, with both of my children being home. My Captain (my oldest son, if you’re new to my blog) has been off for a week of school. This has been due to a teachers convention and after eight days of constant battling I NEED A BREAK. Yesterday I drive around in a new neighbourhood looking for a birthday party he was supposed to attend. I couldn’t find the location and my GPS was zero help.

 So I only had respite for a short amount of time as I had my youngest at home. I came home feeling defeated and tried to throw myself into busy ness of housekeeping so as to not start yet another arguement. There’s always something brewing on the horizon and then it came time to get ready for hockey practice. I asked my Captain to get his gear ready, while I quietly and quickly got his brother and I ready to go. We were set to leave when the comments started we’re going to be late, I wish Dad was here, I don’t want to go to hockey. I’ve been walking the thin parenting line between crazy and sane and I blew up and said get out and get your gear in the truck. He refused so I threw his bag on the lawn. Then I proceed to chase my youngest son down the block as he just wants to run away from all the noise. In the midst of my incessant parenting tantrum I lose my keys so I’m frantically looking for them.  

I find my back up set but it doesn’t allow me to lock my door with the key. Useless I know but key fobs are expensive to replace. So my crazy train is loaded up and we arrive at practice. Yes we’re five minutes late, and I just want to run away and hide somewhere. On the way home after practice I encounter a near accident as a racing truck passes five vehicles and is on coming into my lane!  I’ve got my music cranked and I’m singing Paradise by the Dashboard light. When the part of the song sung by the female lead Patti Russo comes on and says Stop right there, a voice inside my head screams the same. So I slow down and head towards the ditch just in time to see this truck fly past me and into the other lane. 

I’m literally shaking as I get home and start preparing dinner for my kids. I listen to them outside chatting while they gaze at the stars. Soon it’s bedtime and I settle in trying to process my day.  Thinking about everything crammed in my brain, it took me a long time to stop shaking and fall asleep last night. Hearing the alarm go off at 7 am after maybe four hours of sleep is like a jackhammer in my head. This morning when my son refused to go to school I said fine you don’t go to school then you go talk to a therapist. I arrive at the office only to be told they are full with walk ins. I don’t take this well at all, I complain you told me this last week and now you just opened up and your full? I have and will always be the squeaky wheel who gets the grease so I continue to triade. The receptionist sees I’m not leaving so she phones the office down the hallway to let them know I’m there.  

I walk over there with my shrieking sensory child who just wants to go home and explain I want to see someone. I’m once again told I can’t and to come back tomorrow. Well the quickest way to ignite the Irish fire inside of me is to tell me I can’t do something. This is unacceptable for urgent care should I be a cutter or slit my wrists would that get me seen faster? That line of questioning and behaviour got me seen faster than taking no for an answer. I have a therapist come to meet me who says I have a few minutes of her time. So I proceed to get my kids in the office while they play with Lego. So I tell her the quickest way to get help is to act crazy. She appears taken back at my honesty, so I spew on and say I’m an open book what do you want to know? I introduce her to my kids and proceed to tell her of the life we’re living.

 I’m told I’ve come to the right place, I’m very well versed, and educated. In another time and place had I known if I’d be walking this path to mental health, I would’ve studied to be an neurologist. Anything to do with the brain fascinates me, neurological disorders, psychiatric illness, all the labels and letters associated with mental illness.  I research about them all and I just want to know more. Being educated, articulate, well versed, helps me as an advocate for mine and my children’s mental health helps everyone. Now I walk a different journey to allowing this help to transform my family. From chaos to calm, from anger to happiness, from power struggles to peace. I’ve found the quickest way to get help is to stop acting like I have it altogether. So why do I tell you all this today? Well it’s simple I live my life like a open book, I can’t hide away from it anymore welcome to my book of life. Today I start to write a new chapter of hope, help, and resolution. I really think my guardian angel drinks if I was her I would too. Cheers to you Mom and thank you for saving our lives. ❤️

This has been my submission to Ash’s Sunday Confessions on http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com. Please check out her story, the anonymous confessions, and all the other talent who link up. Thank you for following along on my journey. 💓

Today I’m linking up with http://silverliningmama.com for her conquer challenge for the month of February. 

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My heart is on my sleeve

Lately in my writing I have been sharing a lot about my personal struggles. I didn’t know starting my blog a year ago that it would turn into my online diary! I’m glad it has though because honestly, it’s the best therapy I’ve ever received. I’ve found a kinship here with my lovely readers that has filled my love bucket to the brim. You have got me through some difficult times, even more than my own family and friends have. With your supportive comments, advise, and genuine love and care for my well being. I know this to be true, because I can feel it. I’ve let the spirit guide me in a lot of decisions in my life. After suffering so much grief in the last 6 years I couldn’t trust myself, only my instincts. And trusting my empathic nature has opened up a lot of wonderful doors for me. I recently shared with a new friend my son’s struggles with his sensory condition, and other symptoms of ASD traits I’m seeing emerging now as he gets older. She will be helping me with learning about essential oils that will help to keep him calm and regulated. After all his blood work we will also see a naturopath. Another friend has shared her educational background and had offered to help me get him ready for preschool in the new year. I’m so grateful as it’s been a struggle for us with potty training, feeling confident to be in large groups, and the fear of me not being with him. With her assistance I’m confident that he can have that neurotypical experience that other children can have. I knew as soon as my youngest son was born he was my sensitive child. He didn’t open up his eyes for 5 days, was rolling completely over at 4 days old, and reacting violently to all the tests administered in the NICU. I literally though he was going to punch a nurse as I watched his little fists ball up in anger!!! I watched him struggle with sensory issues and suffer with jaundice and losing weight, since his early arrival in the world. I have always been fascinated with his strength as he’s been my little champion since day one. My Doctors told me he would be delayed with speech, motor skills, and developmentally behind. I watched him go through the phases and reach his goals a little later than what the books said, but I didn’t care. Like every other obstacle in his young life he faces it head on with stubbornness, tenacity, and strength. So a new diagnosis, a new therapy, new helpers won’t phase him. He’s always had a goal since birth, and that has been to experience and soak up as much life as possible. His strong capacity to love and understand the hearts and minds of everyone he meets, leaves me in awe. I love seeing the world through his eyes, as it teaches me that life doesn’t have to filled with fear and worry but more joy and wonder. I’ve been blessed with both my sons and a platform to share that with you. And my little blog has gotten some attention from being a guest blog post on http://howmybrainworks.weebly.com and recently from http://featuredemagazine.com/freshly-featured/
I have been so grateful for the recognition and literary love. I’ve cried a lot of happy tears instead of sad ones, and to me that’s been a gift. I want to thank you for coming to my little part of the world. To read my stories, share comments, and conversations. Your words touch my heart, fill me me strength, and fill me with purpose. Namaste my lovelies thank you for understanding my heart that I wear on my sleeve. ❤️

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