Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

Fly to the Angels

What does death mean to you? To me it’s like knowing someone’s in another room and it’s locked up and you lost the key to get in. The room’s surrounded by a brick wall that reaches to the sky and the only access you have is to take a magic carpet ride to an awaiting cloud. Does it signify a ending or a new beginning? I could wax poetic about it for hours yet my feelings still remain the same, that death hurts. It takes someone you love away from you and unravels a stray thread in the fabric of your life. It doesn’t leave you to make a decision of I’m just not ready for you to go or even begin to prepare you for goodbye. Death means I look towards heaven and wonder if you’re up there being reunited with your loved ones. So many to count that passed on before you many years ago and some recent souls. I wish I knew if you were met with such an outpouring of love and depth of emotion that it overwhelmed you when you crossed over. All I know is that I have my memories to hold onto and cherish. How your kindness to my family in our times of grief will never be forgotten. I will never forget our last heart to heart discussion, and how it opened up my eyes to seeing our family tree in truth and technicolour. I wish for you all the things you didn’t have on earth peace of mind, comfort, abundant  health, and the ability to feel freedom. I wish for your family love, comfort, and fond memories of your time with them. And most of all I wish that I could see you again and let you how much you mean to me. Goodye, God bless, and may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

11 Comments »

Gamble

I’ve been living the life of a gambler. I’ve been running on empty for a long time thinking that I can continue this way. I’ve been going on whiffs of exhaustion and sleep deprivation. Reacting strongly with my emotions and easy trigger finger of blame. I have spent more time looking at a bottom of a wine bottle with only tears and rambling writings to show for it. I have spent nights in overwhelming valley and vacationed at heartbreak hotel. I’ve given my power away only to feel like a shell of my former self. 

I have decided enough is enough since my crazy train has run off the rails. I’m taking a gamble on myself and putting myself on my list of priorities. Self care will be my goal each and everyday. I will exercise to walk, run, move my body to feel good. I will get more rest, even if it’s not a lot of sleep. I will find a routine that works for me. I will have fun again as me not just Mom. Where I can laugh, love, find my hobbies that make me happy. I will be with others who share these common interests. I will begin to create again to draw, paint, scrapbook, and craft with my kids and on my own. Art is the way to my heart’s inspiration, love, and light. 

  
Eating well and maintaining a balanced diet of healthy foods will feed my body and nourish my mind. I will be kind to myself, by putting myself first, seeking guidance from my family and friends, and counselling from my therapist. I will get outside and explore my new town and surroundings. I will bask in the fresh air and the sunshine, and get my hands back in the dirt with my love of gardening. I will seek daily ways to relax, not just when the stress is choking me physically and emotionally. I will not gamble with my health and happiness again. I deserve to be fully, completely, safe and comfortable in my skin. 

 I will participate in my yoga practice, keeping mindful with my deep breathing and my temper. I will put my deepest thoughts that aren’t meant to be published in my journal. I will read to fill my mind with beautiful words, my heart with the longing to write my own words to inspire, and my soul with the love of making those chapters part of my being. And when the world is too much for me to handle I will sink into my loves arms and find my solace and believe in myself again. I vow to make my self care an integral part of me that it won’t be a chore, a list of demands to meet, it will be my gift to me. 

This has been my submission to More Than Cheese and Beer please check out her anonymous Sunday confessions and all the talent who link up. Thank you. ❤️

16 Comments »

Silver Lining

My Mom was a wise woman who always looked on the brighter side of life. Even if I lay my head in her lap overcome with tears, she always had a wisdom to impart. She would say “

“Never be afraid of tears for they are pearls of wisdom of our hearts longing to be whole. Let those tears flow for you are a wonderful and wise child of God.”

It’s comforting to know no matter how bad things can get in life there’s always a sliver lining to a dark cloud. My Mom made sure if we did face trials and tribulations that we prayed our way through it. I have to admit I’ve given in to my stress and felt hopeless at times, but I know if God can bring me to it, then he will get me through it. This is something I’m teaching my son who’s anxiety can prevent him from seeing this silver lining.

 So we pray, sing, and hug our way through his worries. I know that’s what my Mom would want me to do. Everything I learned about being a Mom came from her wisdom. And when her mind started failing and her body followed I abandoned all hope to see my silver lining. Through a time of grief, prayer, recovery, and love of my family and friends I made it through that dark tunnel. I talk to my Mom every day and speak of my memories and share her love and wisdoms with my children. 

It saddens me that my youngest never met her and that his brother was his age when she passed. The silver lining that keeps me going is that they can see my Mom in my face, and as I share my own love for their Grandma. I hold her in my heart and look into the eyes of my precious sons and see her there. It makes me feel special like she’s never completely gone. She comes to me in my dreams and we sit and hold hands and speak through our love and telepathy. She always has a knowing smile that she’s aware of everything that I tell her, as she sees it for her own eyes. 

It’s a gift to feel her presence around me when I see a butterfly fluttering around me or a feather falling from the sky. If I could turn back the clock and relive those memories again of drinking tea and chatting I would be so grateful. Or standing together in the kitchen singing and doing the dishes I would. Every time I hear an Elvis song or an Irish tune I feel her singing with me. 

This is my gift and my hearts longing to feel my beloved Mama’s arms around me again. To hear her laughter, laugh at her jokes, and have her call me honey child just one last time. I know this can only happen in my dreams until we’re reunited together again in the afterlife. I take comfort in my memories and the love and guidance that she bestowed upon me as her daughter and later when I became a Mother myself. This is my silver lining and I’m grateful that I have one to cherish. Until we meet again Mom here you stay in my heart forever and always. 💖

This has been my Sunday confession with More Than Cheese and Beer please checkout her anonymous confessions on her Facebook page of the same name. As well as all the other talent who link up. Thank you. 💗

 

16 Comments »

Love in ten lines 

I’ve been blessed to have a friendship that I’m thankful for every day. The first male blogger I ever read, understood, and felt understood me. The first time I read his blog I crushed hard on his words, thoughts, and heart. I’ve grown in this friendship and have grown to know and love him and his family. I still have to quiet my fan girl voice that screams in my head when we chat. The one, the only, Punk Rock Papa wants to talk to me!!! An ordinary Canadian gal who found him via a blog link up with More Than Cheese and Beer. Here we are today friends, confidants, bunker punks, and writer’s in arms. I still feel that glow of pride when I look at the first story he published of mine on the The Original Bunker Punks. Today he nominated me with a poetry challenge called Love in Ten Lines. I hope I can rise to the challenge he’s set before me with as much beauty and grace as he has.  ❤️

Love you, love me. 

The love I see. 

deep into love, lust. 

your arms love, trust. 

The love I see. 

Burns, love, for me. 

Hold me my love. 

Kiss me my love. 

Absorb my love now. 

My soul, love, thou. 

Love quote

 

So now it’s my turn to nominate for this lovely challenge so I will cast my vote for these amazing poets

Angrivated Mom
Sparkly Poetic Weirdo
How my Brain Works
Linda G. Hill
Silver Threading 

The rules are as follows:

•Write about love using only 10 lines.

•Use the word love in every line.

•Each line can only be four words long.

•Nominate others who are up for the challenge.

•Let them know about the challenge.

•Title the post: Love in Ten Lines

•Include a quote about love (this can be your own).

•You may write in any language.


4 Comments »

My #Mommitment music play list

Music is so important in my life it’s the reason I smile, my heart skips a beat, and my true passion in life. I grew up with music playing in my home constantly. From the melodic sounds of Elvis Presley, crooning of John Denver, rock and roll of Creedence Clearwater, and soft sounds of Charley Pride. I heard, learned, and sung it all. There is music that inspires me to write, sing, and create. There’s music that can lift up my spirit when it’s dragging on the floor from being sleep deprived at 2 am from a wide awake four year old. There’s music that kick starts my heart and body into action when I’m in full workout mode. And lastly music that makes me think screw all the haters as I dance around in my underwear like Tom Cruise in Risky Business  Old Time Rock and Roll style. Here’s a few of my personal favourites enjoy. 😃💃🎶
Bitch- Merdith Brooks
I have sung this loud and proud in my shower. Which everyone knows has the best acoustics next to a church. 😃

What’s Up- Four Non Blondes
This song makes me think about the state of the world we’re living in. The judgement, tyranny, anarchy, and pain mixed in with the melting pot of beauty and emotions. ❤️

Zombie-The Cranberries
This song takes my heart to a place where I feel supported, loved, and understood. I had a friend who’s dogs would sing along with us when ever it was played. Rest in peace Stan and Gary. 🌟

Kick Start My Heart Motley Crüe
My all time favourite heavy metal band on the planet. And yes this song has kicked started my heart, energy, and pushed me to the extreme in my workouts. 

Don’t Stop-Fleetwood Mac
This is my theme song in life wherever I go, or wherever I am this song follows me. My heart, my love, my band is Fleetwood Mac. 🎶💞

This has been my contribution to the mixed tape #Momittment movement. I’m so happy and proud to be part of this beautiful ripple in the social media world. If you’d like to learn more about it check out Next life no kids and sign her petition. She rocks hard and so does her truth. 💗🎶🌟


12 Comments »

Pull

I find I’m struggling with myself lately. I’m feeling this pull to my past. Where I felt really happy I had a great group of friends I saw daily. I didn’t feel lonely or shut in like I do now. I had my respite worker recently say I needed people. I know she was right, but that didn’t make me like less of a loser. I feel so pulled to my old life where I knew who I could call, count on, and have my back. Now I try to navigate a new town and new people feeling so unsure of myself. I’ve never had trouble making friends but I don’t know this time around I do.

I need to pull myself up by the bootstraps and just keep trying. Having children with special needs doesn’t always open the door to having friendships. I’m afraid of taking my son to a playgroup and he reacts to too much noise and stimulus. Or if he’s sensory seeking and he gets to aggressive with another child. The times I’ve gone I’ve sat on the edge of my seat drinking my tea, and waiting and watching. I find the pull of my friendships and lamenting that I haven’t found a group. I have a few friends and they lead very busy lives.

So I connect with them when it works with their schedules. I don’t complain, I don’t demand, but I do cry silently at night when everyone else is asleep. With that pull from my heart I have to decide if I’m going to stay stuck in my past, or push myself forward with my future. I’ve been attending a support group and its been helping. I’m hoping to connect and get to know some parents there as we walk the same path with our children. I find more and more each day I have to resist that pull and push myself towards my future.

With that push I’m hoping to gain some more confidence in myself. I have a dilemma with my online life colliding with my reality. Online I’m admired, respected, appreciated, and yes even loved. I’m told I’m beautiful, brilliant, talented, and yes even funny. In my reality I struggle with being social. I have children with special needs. I have to keep them calm, regulated, and comfortable in their surroundings. If I don’t there’s hell to pay. Not to many know my struggles. And honestly I don’t ask for pity just a kind word, an invitation, a smile or a hug.

I don’t ask to impose on people’s lives but maybe just maybe I shouldn’t have blogged about this. Because honestly reading it back makes me sound quite pathetic. I have hid in my online world that makes me feel whole. Today I chose to be brave and put it out here because this is, what is is. My online world meeting my reality, the whole ugly, beautiful, poignant truth of it. Written by me a lonely, heartbroken soul just looking for a friend to understand. I have to pull myself out of my self imposed depression. I’m starting with baby steps and going to attend a playgroup geared towards children with special needs.

I’ve been in denial that it’s what my son needed but no Mom is an island. And the potty training blues have gotten me down and I’ve been stuck inside the house for too long. So time to pull up my big girl sexy panties and get this social thing on the go. No one is an island we all need inhabitants to create some sort of bond, a family.

This has been my submission to Ash’s Sunday confession from http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com. Check out her brilliance, anonymous confessions, and all the other talent that link up. Thank you for reading my blog today.

IMG_3876

10 Comments »

The Road to Manifesting the life I want

The key to success is to focus our conscious mind on things we desire, not things we fear.” — Brian Tracy

I read this quote this morning letting it sit with me. In my heart, mind, and soul. This has been a life long struggle for me, as I desire many things that I know are attainable. The struggle lies with recognizing my fears and not letting them overtake me. Throughout this meditation series I’ve been participating in, I see many different possibilities that are within my grasp. I already have conquered my fear of public speaking by being in a career, that demanded that for 14 years. I am at home on the stage singing, dancing, acting, these are my triple power play passions. I had someone from my theatre group ask me do you get nervous and I said only when I get lost. I can’t always predict what’s going to happen on stage. Someone could forget their lines, a prop could fall, an actors costume could fall apart, but yet the show must go on. Theatre like life, always has to go on whether we fear the outcome of that act. I used to get nervous on stage literally shaking in my boots. Yet my voice remained untouched by my anxiety, as I learned to ground myself. I’ve also been able to pull in magnetic energy to balance my pattern out. One of the gifts I’ve learned to harness as an empath. Yet I experience fear when getting lost, anxiety over illness, and things I can’t control leave me feeling manic with my racing thoughts. Does this make me a control freak? Perhaps, or am I driven by my desire to feed my ego? Well those are questions I can only answer through meditation and reflection. We all have a certain amount of ego driving our thoughts and decisions. I think it gives us self preservation, fire in our bellies, and an ability to get things accomplished. The challenge is not to let our egos overtake and exhaust us by demanding more than our spirits can give. I have a tremendous faith in God, something my dear beloved Mama bestowed on me. And when my spirit is alive, rejuvenated with positivity, love, light, and self worth, I feel a completeness like no other. When my soul speaks and tells me what I yearn for, gives me joy, solidifies my passion I listen. We all should give ourselves the permission to listen to that quiet inner voice. I for one, am learning great wisdoms from doing just that. So my dear readers I leave you with these questions? What does your soul say to you when you’re listening? Does it resonate a message held within only you can understand? Please share it with me if you like, my soul and I are always listening. ❤️

My intention holds the key to fulfillment.

2 Comments »

Through my Mamas eyes

I look in the mirror and I see my Mom’s face looking back at me. I have her kind, blue, shining eyes, her strong prominent nose, and her lovely lips that spoke the kindest words and covered my boos boos with her kisses. I look at her and want to dive into that mirror and live a thousand lifetimes with her again. Say all the words that were never spoken, ask all the questions I was afraid to ask, and hold her and never let her go. I talk to my Mom always, she knows my daily life, my passions, my cursing jags, and the tears I cry when I’m giving into my pain. She sees my smile and laughter when I’m playing with my precious sons. My acrobatic acts while playing Wii, my screams and giggles when wrestling with them on the floor, and the loving prayers we say at night. She knows their habits, their idiosyncrasies that make them so special and unique. And I know she’s there watching always and cheering them on in their victories. By giving them ethereal hugs and high fives, and always her love and pride. I know she holds me through my sadness, picks me up when I’ve fallen down, and chastises me for how much I drink. 😉 It’s the things that make me thing that she’s not really gone. And when I’m feeling pure abundant joy she’s there dancing with me, singing silly songs with my kids, and feeling my heart grow with love for them everyday. I see her, I hear her, and I feel her nearby. She’s never far from my thoughts, my heart, or my soul. She bathes me in her kindness, compassion, and strength. My Mom lets me know she’s there with angel messages, birds, butterflies, and music. I hear an Elvis song when I’m deep in thought and grief over her. I feel that love she has for me as I listen to the sweet, soft, melody of Love Me Tender sung so beautifully by her favourite idol. I feel comfort at these times knowing she’s always here with me. And she shares the love with my other siblings and their families. My Mom had the greatest capacity to love, she also could swear a blue streak when she wasn’t feeling in love with something or someone. She could reduce me to laughter in minutes when she’d get into one of her cursing tirades. She would look at me with fury in her eyes but a smile creeping into her lips. It was easy to love and laugh so easily with her. And difficult to stay angry for very long as we were so much alike. To Mom a bad day could be cured with a nice cup of tea, a pastry, laughter, and the gift of song. She was an enigma once you spent time with her you were changed forever. She had a gift of the gab, a flair for the dramatic, and a beautiful voice whether she was singing or speaking. I’d love to sing with her again like those carefree days and feel that power of music uplifting my soul. Instead I have to settle for looking in the mirror and have her smiling back at me. Love you Mama always and forever. 💗

IMG_1094.JPG

Image found on Facebook and shated here because I agree!

IMG_1095.JPG

4 Comments »