Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

Monday Musing-Riding the grief wave

I look at my reflection in the mirror and I’m a mixed tumble of messy emotions.  I don’t feel sad or cry everyday and there’s bursts of enthusiasm for life and all the wonderful things that make me happy. My family, friends, reading, writing, and creating something from nothing. Whether that’s in my kitchen or my craft room making something fills my happy bucket. 

Last year I suffered the loss of three special people in my life and just when I feel I’m dealing with my grief someone else dies! What do you do when you’re grieving during the month of love? Sometimes I can feel these emotions ebbing and flowing like the tides towards my heart. I can catch it in time or let it wash over me and fill me with overwhelming love or sadness. 

Sometimes it’s a mixture of both as this month has been difficult for me since the death of my parents. Seven years ago for my dearest Dad and five for my beloved Mama I had to say goodbye. Their leaving has left a huge hole in my heart in the shape of their love. I’ve done my best to live around that hole and create a new “normal.” Sometimes I succeed and then the grief wave threatens to pull me under again. Under the water where I’m drowning in emotion and struggling to breathe with the weight of my tears. 

I’ve been in counselling a lot of my life. I started when I was twelve in family therapy then continued on into adulthood. I still see someone when the urge arises and he thinks I need to deal with my grief instead of just trying to survive it. In the last ten years of my marriage my husband and I collectively had to say goodbye to ten loved ones. In the seven years since my Dad, step sisters, and my Mom’s deaths I’ve been in grief recovery in some form of another. Whether it was journaling, actively seeing a therapist, or in a support group. 

I’ve learned a lot about myself and I even wrote up a timeline of my happy and sad times in my life to track my triggers. The happiness is about feeling loved and discovering something new. The sadness always centres around a death in my life since I was three years old. I was born to older parents so I was around older people in my family tree. To me this was my life not anything unusual until I went to school and my friends parents were the same age as my older siblings! That was a shock as I never thought about all these special people leaving me. 

Some may say that dealing with death so young prepared me for the path I need to take to resilience. I have questioned my own mortality, mourned for a a young life snuffed out by tragic circumstances, and have wrote out my living will to prepare my family. I’ve learned a lot during this time of self reflection and pain yet still feel like there’s more to discover. As I carve out a new “normal” and live around this void in my heart. I keep taking it one step, one breath, one journey at a time. With all that I have lost I’ve gained more love, perspective and appreciation; for all the people who have touched my life on this earthly and heavenly plane and for that I’m grateful. 

It’s time for #MondayMusings and it’s being co-hosted by Everyday Gyaan and The Philosopher’s Stone
Would you like to take part in #MondayMusings?

Here’s how it works:
Write a post sharing your thoughts with us – happy, sad, philosophical, ‘silly’ even. Make it as personal as possible.

Use the hashtag #MondayMusings.

Add your link to the linky which you will find on Everyday Gyaan and on the post of a co-host.

Use our #MondayMusings badge to encourage other bloggers join in too.

Visit and comment on the posts of other bloggers linked here.

Share the love.

  

  

17 Comments »

Writer’s Quotes Wednesday and Be Wow

When life can become a struggle it’s easy to give into the tears and fears. Yesterday I reached out and shared my story of being a special needs parent. I received an outpouring of love and emotional support that it was incredible and it uplifted my heart and spirit! I wrote this before I had opened up my heart and soul and I’m so glad that I was given the gift of compassion and the beauty of friendship. 

 
This has been my submission to Silver Threading for Writer’s Quotes Wednesday and Be Wow please check out all the talent that link up at this special place to be creative. ❤️

6 Comments »

My #Mommitment music play list

Music is so important in my life it’s the reason I smile, my heart skips a beat, and my true passion in life. I grew up with music playing in my home constantly. From the melodic sounds of Elvis Presley, crooning of John Denver, rock and roll of Creedence Clearwater, and soft sounds of Charley Pride. I heard, learned, and sung it all. There is music that inspires me to write, sing, and create. There’s music that can lift up my spirit when it’s dragging on the floor from being sleep deprived at 2 am from a wide awake four year old. There’s music that kick starts my heart and body into action when I’m in full workout mode. And lastly music that makes me think screw all the haters as I dance around in my underwear like Tom Cruise in Risky Business  Old Time Rock and Roll style. Here’s a few of my personal favourites enjoy. 😃💃🎶
Bitch- Merdith Brooks
I have sung this loud and proud in my shower. Which everyone knows has the best acoustics next to a church. 😃

What’s Up- Four Non Blondes
This song makes me think about the state of the world we’re living in. The judgement, tyranny, anarchy, and pain mixed in with the melting pot of beauty and emotions. ❤️

Zombie-The Cranberries
This song takes my heart to a place where I feel supported, loved, and understood. I had a friend who’s dogs would sing along with us when ever it was played. Rest in peace Stan and Gary. 🌟

Kick Start My Heart Motley Crüe
My all time favourite heavy metal band on the planet. And yes this song has kicked started my heart, energy, and pushed me to the extreme in my workouts. 

Don’t Stop-Fleetwood Mac
This is my theme song in life wherever I go, or wherever I am this song follows me. My heart, my love, my band is Fleetwood Mac. 🎶💞

This has been my contribution to the mixed tape #Momittment movement. I’m so happy and proud to be part of this beautiful ripple in the social media world. If you’d like to learn more about it check out Next life no kids and sign her petition. She rocks hard and so does her truth. 💗🎶🌟


12 Comments »

Aware

I don’t know when the day was or how the feeling came to be, but I’ve always been aware that I was different. I wasn’t a shy child, I had an insatiable curiosity about life. I wanted to know about people, what made them tick, their likes and dislikes. Before I was born my Gram told my Mom I would be special. So on the day I made my arrival my Mom, Dad, and Gram were tossing around names for me. My Mom suggested Lisa, my Dad liked it but my Gram said no I will name her after a movie star I just seen in a magazine. So my fate was decided then and there. I always wanted to be an actress I knew enough about old Hollywood and the silver screen then any other five year old did. 

My friends at school didn’t know who any of my favourites were and thought I was weird since their minds were on Star Wars, Mork and Mindy, and Disney. I enjoyed these movies and tv shows too but there was a whole other wonderful world that awaited me in the movie pictures. My Mom encouraged my love of the classics in cinema and literature and  relished  each with joy. Not to many eight year olds could quote Shakespeare and discuss Charles Dickens and know what they were prattling on about.  I could though, and my Mom and Gram called me their old soul. It was a wonderful way to grow up, it was like I had a secret life that I could share with the adults I loved. 

I also seen auras around people, and at a young age I called them rainbows. I thought everyone could see them. I also had visitations from some people I knew and many I didn’t. I still remember the day I saw my friend crying over her dog that had died. I said it’s ok he’s not really gone, he’s sitting on your lap. My Mom got a phone call about that exchange and I had to pretend that my imagination got the best of me. Some friends just accepted that’s how I was without questions. My Mom protected me the best she could in my reality but in my dreams no one could. I seen things I never wanted to see, visions of things that scared me and some things that gave me happiness. 

When did I become aware of the fact I am empathic you may ask? I think it was when I was seven years old. I realized not everyone could see the “rainbows” around them or others. And a lot of people got uncomfortable around me when I discussed them. So I just learned to be quiet and not tell anyone I had a gift. It was something special I shared with my Mom, Gram, and her family. I still remember the stories my sweet Gram would tell me of her Mother’s visions. 

There was a time when my Gram was quite young and working as a housekeeper at a hotel. Her bosses loved her and doted on her. Then one night she went out of town for a dance. She had gone out on a group date as was the style back then, and her sister accompanied her. They had a fabulous time and were coming back into town since both of them had to work the next day. There was a car accident and down went the car over the side of the cliff. My Gram told me all she remembered seeing was a white light and floating. She woke up in a bed in the hotel she worked at being cared for by her bosses wife. 

My Gram came from a family of nine and all the children lived at home and worked to support the family. So her boss and his family decided they would look after her, and wouldn’t let my Great Grandma know what had happened to her. They had to avoid this because she had a very bad heart, and they were afraid that the shock would kill her. After several weeks while my Gram was being nursed back to health from a broken neck, my Great Grandma was tired of the excuses of not seeing her daughter. So she marched up to the hotel and demanded to see her. Luckily my Gram was on the mend but little did she know that her Mom knew something was wrong as she dreamt about the accident happening! 

I’ve always had the sight, the Irish eye is what my Gram called it. It was passed down from my ancestors to my Gram, to my Mom, and to me. I have relatives that have a strong psychic nature. It’s something I’ve passed down to my own children as well. And the older I get the stronger it becomes. The same thing happened to my Mom as she went from being clairvoyant to clairaudient and clairsensient. A transition that gradually happened as she had spent her whole life being connected to the spirit world. I’ve paid attention to this sixth sense, this inner knowing all my life. It’s much a part of me as my blonde hair and blue eyes. 

I’m aware that not everyone will understand it and fear me or my gift. It is human nature to fear the things we don’t know, or understand. The spirit of God always guides me to like minded people who share the gift or want to learn more about it. I always know when there’s good people and not so good people. I can feel vibrations in speech, energy patterns, and in conversation. I don’t hang out my shingle and set up shop for readings like some people do. I know when I’m guided to help someone as the energy vibration will lead me to them. 

I’m very grateful that God blessed me and my family with a psychic sense. My Mom always told me to never fear it, but not to abuse it either. She said a great responsibility comes from using the sense properly. And that’s what I teach my children as well. A gift from God is to be used to help, heal, and never to harm or hinder. So I keep my thoughts to myself even when I see or I’m aware of the outcome. It’s like a present that gets unwrapped when I need it. But I’m always watchful, careful, and aware of my surroundings as to who’s watching me. 

This has been my submission to Sunday confessions of http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com. Please check out her confession, the anonymous ones on her Facebook, and all the other talent who link up. Thank you for stopping by. 😊

 

6 Comments »

Pull

I find I’m struggling with myself lately. I’m feeling this pull to my past. Where I felt really happy I had a great group of friends I saw daily. I didn’t feel lonely or shut in like I do now. I had my respite worker recently say I needed people. I know she was right, but that didn’t make me like less of a loser. I feel so pulled to my old life where I knew who I could call, count on, and have my back. Now I try to navigate a new town and new people feeling so unsure of myself. I’ve never had trouble making friends but I don’t know this time around I do.

I need to pull myself up by the bootstraps and just keep trying. Having children with special needs doesn’t always open the door to having friendships. I’m afraid of taking my son to a playgroup and he reacts to too much noise and stimulus. Or if he’s sensory seeking and he gets to aggressive with another child. The times I’ve gone I’ve sat on the edge of my seat drinking my tea, and waiting and watching. I find the pull of my friendships and lamenting that I haven’t found a group. I have a few friends and they lead very busy lives.

So I connect with them when it works with their schedules. I don’t complain, I don’t demand, but I do cry silently at night when everyone else is asleep. With that pull from my heart I have to decide if I’m going to stay stuck in my past, or push myself forward with my future. I’ve been attending a support group and its been helping. I’m hoping to connect and get to know some parents there as we walk the same path with our children. I find more and more each day I have to resist that pull and push myself towards my future.

With that push I’m hoping to gain some more confidence in myself. I have a dilemma with my online life colliding with my reality. Online I’m admired, respected, appreciated, and yes even loved. I’m told I’m beautiful, brilliant, talented, and yes even funny. In my reality I struggle with being social. I have children with special needs. I have to keep them calm, regulated, and comfortable in their surroundings. If I don’t there’s hell to pay. Not to many know my struggles. And honestly I don’t ask for pity just a kind word, an invitation, a smile or a hug.

I don’t ask to impose on people’s lives but maybe just maybe I shouldn’t have blogged about this. Because honestly reading it back makes me sound quite pathetic. I have hid in my online world that makes me feel whole. Today I chose to be brave and put it out here because this is, what is is. My online world meeting my reality, the whole ugly, beautiful, poignant truth of it. Written by me a lonely, heartbroken soul just looking for a friend to understand. I have to pull myself out of my self imposed depression. I’m starting with baby steps and going to attend a playgroup geared towards children with special needs.

I’ve been in denial that it’s what my son needed but no Mom is an island. And the potty training blues have gotten me down and I’ve been stuck inside the house for too long. So time to pull up my big girl sexy panties and get this social thing on the go. No one is an island we all need inhabitants to create some sort of bond, a family.

This has been my submission to Ash’s Sunday confession from http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com. Check out her brilliance, anonymous confessions, and all the other talent that link up. Thank you for reading my blog today.

IMG_3876

10 Comments »

The power of the human spirit

Yesterday was a really long day, I had my pupils dilated and I had both my sons home and my husband at work. At my last appointment my optometrist found a cataract, and wanted to examine my eye health further. My appointment was at 9:30 am and my drops were in by 10 am. I stayed there for a 45 minute appointment while the optometrist checked out my eyes. Everything seemed fine is what I was told, except for that pesky cataract. And the fact my prescription changed, and my visions worsened since having my second son. The cataract isn’t affecting my vision is what I’m told, and has been there for awhile. Although at my last eye exam it wasn’t found. I felt very old and vulnerable when it was discovered. And I tried not to cry in front of my 3 year old when I was told…I know I’m classified as an “older Mom” at 41 but I can still pass for being in my 20’s at least I think so anyways. Yesterday while I was home with my dark big sunglasses I resembled Jackie Onassis, but much more vision impaired. I laid on the couch for awhile while my kids watched a movie. I was feeling quite sorry for myself since I couldn’t read, write, or blog and I’m not used to laying around. I returned some texts and messages via auto text and occupied my time by trying to fold laundry. That took me about 2 hours to do since my pupils were the size of coasters! My kids were absolute angels looking after me, my oldest making me a bed on my couch, and my youngest feeding me candy. My husband came home and started making dinner and entertained the kids. He took the Captain to hockey practice while I tried to finish the laundry. After successfully washing and drying a load, I settled down to cuddle and have my little Mad dog read to me. Every story starts and ends the same Once upon a time there was a Mommy and she loved to build Lego with her little boy, the end. It warms my heart that he retains so much, and is so loving in sharing the joy of books with me. I feel so grateful that my whole family helped to pitch in when I wasn’t feeling up to par. It took 9 hours for my vision to return to normal, so by the time I could take of my sunglasses I was celebrating. Later that night I was skimming through my Facebook and saw a friend had posted that her brother needed help so I messaged her back saying I knew someone that could. So I contacted my kindhearted, giving, friend Mel and told her what I needed help with. Mel runs a wonderful organization called Life after Laundry Club. She with a wonderful group of women came up with the concept nearly two years ago this January. I’ve known Mel for a long time and have always appreciated her kindness, her generous heart, and her beautiful smile. She has been my creative church buddy, and my shoulder to cry on when we went through a grief recovery program together. Being empathic I knew I would see great things happen in her life and the lives of others she’s touched. And wow has she ever, along with her team they’ve organized charity events in their community with the Heart and Stroke Foundation, raising funds for their local food bank, and helping out single parent families, or a hard working Mom that needs an extra boost of encouragement with donations of money, gift cards, clothing, and toys. These incredible group of women joined together to give support to each other by organizing community events and giving the proceeds to a willing candidate. And I know if I was still living there I’d be right along beside them helping. I knew that helping out my friend and her family member would be just what these lovely ladies would love to do. So between my friend, Mel, and myself we devised a plan of how to help and the Secret Santa Project was born! Through emails and happy tears everything has been set up and donations will be collected, items bought, and a very grateful man will receive the best Christmas present ever. So after a long day being without proper vision I saw what my day was really all about. It was for me to open up eyes and my heart, and to really see what matters. I’m so grateful to God and my family for the blessings bestowed on us. And my parents have always raised me to give more and receive less, and never miss out on an opportunity to pay it forward. So I ask you dear readers how can you help someone in need? Is it through a donation to a Salvation Army Christmas kettle? Buying an extra bag of groceries for someone in need? Adopting a single parent family and being their Secret Santa? Or buying extra blankets and passing them out to the homeless on a cold winters night? Whatever you can do, it all matters, it all makes a difference. Today I woke up feeling joyful and happy and I could see!!! I’m grateful that I have my precious children, my loving, hard working husband, a beautiful home, and food in my pantry and fridge. There’s so many throughout the world who don’t. So if you can buy a coffee and cookie for someone who needs it, please do. Our hearts grow with each good deed we do. This is how I see the world through my eyes, and I feel blessed by the power of the human spirit.

I want to thank Mel for her kindness and generosity. And her Life after Laundry Club for uniting their hearts and minds towards a common goal of helping others. And for inspiring me to do better, act better, and be better. ❤️

9 Comments »

The Road to Manifesting the life I want

The key to success is to focus our conscious mind on things we desire, not things we fear.” — Brian Tracy

I read this quote this morning letting it sit with me. In my heart, mind, and soul. This has been a life long struggle for me, as I desire many things that I know are attainable. The struggle lies with recognizing my fears and not letting them overtake me. Throughout this meditation series I’ve been participating in, I see many different possibilities that are within my grasp. I already have conquered my fear of public speaking by being in a career, that demanded that for 14 years. I am at home on the stage singing, dancing, acting, these are my triple power play passions. I had someone from my theatre group ask me do you get nervous and I said only when I get lost. I can’t always predict what’s going to happen on stage. Someone could forget their lines, a prop could fall, an actors costume could fall apart, but yet the show must go on. Theatre like life, always has to go on whether we fear the outcome of that act. I used to get nervous on stage literally shaking in my boots. Yet my voice remained untouched by my anxiety, as I learned to ground myself. I’ve also been able to pull in magnetic energy to balance my pattern out. One of the gifts I’ve learned to harness as an empath. Yet I experience fear when getting lost, anxiety over illness, and things I can’t control leave me feeling manic with my racing thoughts. Does this make me a control freak? Perhaps, or am I driven by my desire to feed my ego? Well those are questions I can only answer through meditation and reflection. We all have a certain amount of ego driving our thoughts and decisions. I think it gives us self preservation, fire in our bellies, and an ability to get things accomplished. The challenge is not to let our egos overtake and exhaust us by demanding more than our spirits can give. I have a tremendous faith in God, something my dear beloved Mama bestowed on me. And when my spirit is alive, rejuvenated with positivity, love, light, and self worth, I feel a completeness like no other. When my soul speaks and tells me what I yearn for, gives me joy, solidifies my passion I listen. We all should give ourselves the permission to listen to that quiet inner voice. I for one, am learning great wisdoms from doing just that. So my dear readers I leave you with these questions? What does your soul say to you when you’re listening? Does it resonate a message held within only you can understand? Please share it with me if you like, my soul and I are always listening. ❤️

My intention holds the key to fulfillment.

2 Comments »