Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

Sparkle like the Star you Are

I’ve been talking, reading, and writing about breaking out of my comfort zone, spreading my wings and letting myself fly. I’m doing that for myself and for my children, to show them that they can do anything, and be anything they want to be. Whatever your mind can believe, you can achieve. I remember my oldest brother telling me that when I was 16 years old. I loved how those words rolled off his tongue and the feelings they created in me. I asked myself back then, is it possible if I just change my thoughts and abolish those negative tapes playing in my head I can achieve success?

I spent a lot of time thinking I wasn’t good enough. Not a intelligent math student or an gifted writer, or talented artist. I spent years living in others shadows because it was a safe, albeit sad place for me. I listened to those tapes playing in my head (before everything went digital) of a English teacher who told me my writing was trite, and wouldn’t amount to nothing but pulp to burn in a fire. He said this to me with his words dripping with disdain, in his Scottish accent. My heart was crushed because I really looked up to him and I was really angry as well. After that I started to write feverishly and I told my Mom and she wanted to march into the school and hurt him as much as he hurt me.

My beloved Mama could kill someone with kindbess or blister their ears with her words. So together as a team we worked on story after story writing songs and poems as well. She was my biggest fan, cheerleader, and main source of support. And then she got older, dementia set in, and she spent her final days there and died. A part of me died too when my beloved Mama left this world. And that belief I had in myself did too. I went into a grief recovery program as numb as I was. I knew I needed to in order to help myself and my children. I learned a lot while I was in that program, and solidified a friendship there that’s very special to me. And most importantly I started writing again. Pouring out my heart to my journal all the things I wanted to say to my Mom, God, and my family.

It felt so wonderful to have this release this safe place, I could come to when I was feeling sad. Which was a lot back then and through that self reflection I began to patch up my broken heart. I was living on little sleep, nutrition and raising my four year old son and his newborn baby brother. One journal led to another and I had my own little library. I read every grief book I could get my hands on and let the information absorb into to my fractured soul. I’ve always been a avid reader and writer at an early age, and I just started sharing my writing last year by starting this blog. I read tons of blogs, books, and articles and I thought maybe I could do that. I was trying to break through that negative blanket I wrapped myself in. Trying to silence my English teacher’s words. So the only dream I wished for was to believe in myself again. I’ve never shied away from a challenge in my life. I face it head on, even with a belly full of fear. Seeing my words this week appearing on the http://originalbunkerpunks.com website for the first time has filled me with so much pride and determination. I was an emotional mess I just cried and cried off and on all day. My husband took me out for a date night to celebrate and I could see the pride shining in his loving gaze. With that new found confidence I’ve been submitting my writing, and having a lot of positive feedback with it so I’m really happy. So I’ve been fortunate to be invited to do some guest blogging, and I’m returning the favour and opening up my blog this coming week to some guest bloggers. I appreciate all you dear readers being here and following along on my journey. I’ll still be here, I’m just going to take some time to work on my writing and start working on my book draft ideas. And most importantly I’ll be paying it forward to some amazing bloggers that I personally follow, adore, and I’m proud to call my friends. And with each story I share I heal a little more. I’ve begun to create this new normal in my life where the void has been. And with the love of my family, friends, and you my dear readers I’ll start to sparkle like the star I am. 🌟

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Excuses

I’ve been filling my life with excuses and now it’s starting to catch up with me. I’ve said I didn’t get all my laundry folded and put away because I was the toy police and making my little ones clean up their rooms. As I watched my hubby spread the laundry from the washer, dryer, to the floor. And those 2 loads quickly became 6. 😳 My laundry and I have a prison relationship, I’m either it’s bitch or she’s mine. I’ve made excuses about why I stay up late because of my sons sleep apnea, a house to tidy, or that never ending laundry basket to conquer. Truthfully I love that still quiet time in the darkness, that’s just for me alone. I listen to everyone sleeping, snoring, and breathing. As in always on alert for when I’m needed. You’ve never known helplessness until you hold your child in your arms and shake them awake, to get them breathing. I’ve made excuses about my sons sensory condition so I don’t have to be overwhelmed with meeting people with neurotypical lives. I know that sounds harsh, but for most part it’s true. A lot of Moms at those playgroups don’t have to worry about their child bashing and crashing into other kids when they’re seeking sensory input. And here I love to write, share, and interact, with you all and I’ve been asked if I’ve any of my blogs published. The answer is no they haven’t, other than a guest blog I was honoured to write for the lovely Brain. So why wouldn’t I want to see myself published on a social media? I’ve made the excuse I don’t know how to go about making it happen, or my writing’s not that good. All excuses because of my fear of rejection, truth is I’ve submitted to well know publishing giants and a Mommy blog with a huge following. And I’ve received no reply, nothing, nada, zilch not even thank you but no thank you email. I’ve made excuses with my heart too, like my 6 year long grieving period. I’ve learned that grief comes in waves, so over time I’m learning how to surf them. But what happens if I heal from my grief, who does that make me, and what do I become without that crushing loss in my life affecting me? My husband has even made excuses for me like I don’t like to get lost so I don’t go far. So he’ll drive so I don’t have to panic if I make the wrong turn. What can I say anxiety a bitch, and fear is an evil dictator. It’s gotten better since SIRI came into my life. I’ve done more road trips since her introduction in the last 4 months than I have in 4 years!!! I’ve gotten tired of my excuses of putting myself last because I wanted to be a better wife and Mom. My marriage has suffered because I’ve made the excuse I’ve needing to be there for our children than putting my husband first once in a while. When you have kids with neurological conditions excuses can become your life. When life becomes too difficult at home, you manage, survive on whiffs of consciousness and capabilities. It’s easier to make excuses about not leaving the house, or my youngest son not making friends because I’m wrapped up in the fear of what could happen. Or every time we have to move with my husbands career, I have to make the excuse that even though I’ve enjoyed my time I’m excited for a new adventure. Lies, lies, lies, as I say the words but they don’t register in my brain. My heart’s racing and my mind’s reeling with the anxiety of having to start over again. Will these excuses ever get old, will I get sick of them and just start living without using them as a crutch? Well everyday in every way I’m getting better, and I won’t make an excuse about that anymore. So I’ll just keep on fighting my fears and doing it anyways.

This has been my submission to http://lindaghill.com Saturday Stream of Consciousness. While Linda’s traveling her lovely friend has used the prompt excuse. Check out all the talent that’s linked up. Thank you for stopping by. 😘

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Read

One of my favourite things to do is read. I love to see and feel the words coming to life in my mind. Reading has always been an escape for me when I felt the world didn’t understand me. I was never judged in my books, I could always cheer for the under dog instead of being one. What a powerful experience that was! It made me feel invincible reading about the character Anne in Anne of Green Gables. All she experienced being an orphan and adopted by the first family who truly loved her for her extraordinary self. I related to Joe in the Little Women series with her spunk and go get them attitude. My life became better and more beautiful in the pages of my books. The adventures I took with Nancy Drew and the Hardy boys brought me great delight. I lived vicariously through their adventures, meeting their characters, and feeling fear and exhilaration as they battered their villains. The first time my beloved Mama read to me I felt such joy as her voice filled my mind, with her descriptive words and inflection in her tone. She had such a gift with words, she made books come to life for me. I remember when I was in Grade one and Mrs. Bossio gave me my first Dick and Jane book. It was like a part of my heart opened up and I fell in love with the written word. I read voraciously after that anything I could get my hands on. Books lead to series and series led to volumes of the encyclopedia. I was enthralled and I couldn’t get enough of anything in print. I started a collection of Archie comic books and I became one of the Riverdale gang. As well as I have always been able to read people as a gift, learning to read was a greater one. I knew I could do anything inside my books no anger, fear, worry, or loss could hold me back. My Mom saw my love grow more and more, so my book collection grew. She had said I was like her, and my Gram fed her habit with reading chapter books, poetry, and the classics like Dickens, Twain, and Shakespeare. I remember reading The Diary of Anne Frank. I saw the beauty and love of family as well as evil personified. I was so heartbroken when Anne didn’t survive the concentration camp. I also knew that was the outcome of war, and what a gift it has been that her words live on through her. With her belief in the power of love, strength, and forgiveness. Like my Gram did for my Mom, and my Mom did for her children, I’ve passed on the gift of reading to my children. My Captain will read chapter books like they’re going out of style. He loves the Diary of a Wimpy kid series and has recently started reading Captain Underpants. My Mad dog will bring me a basket of books each day, and will sit beside me and say Once upon a time and he’ll weave a story together of his own creation. I’ve started our Christmas gifts early this year as I’ve done the 25 days of reading. Each night my sons take turns and open one book to share. We cuddle up on the bed and my Captain and I take turns reading to his brother. And then I read something to them. We’ve taken adventures in fairy tales, climbed mountains in Tibet with Rin Tin Tin, and sailed on the ill fated Titanic. The gift of reading is one I’m so happy to share with my children. And I look for ways to help my Captain be a more confident reader in school. He loves getting lost in books like me, but hesitates with reading out loud. My favourite part of my day is story time when I see my Captain reading to his brother. It fills my heart with such love and pride, knowing they will pass along this gift to their children one day. With each passing moment in my own life when I read and write I feel my Mom living through my thoughts, words, and feelings. And when I have that power of print it’s like she’s never really gone and her heart lives on through me and my children.

This has been my submission to the amazing Ash of http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com and the prompt was the word read. Please check out what Ash had to say and all the other talent who link up. Thank you my dear readers for sharing your love of reading my blog. 😊

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Books- the other love of my life

I love to read, paperback, hardcover, digital, blogs, and research it doesn’t matter as long as there are beautiful, descriptive words. I love the feel of a book in my hands. Where I know there’s a world of adventure awaiting me, as soon as I open the cover. Books have always been my means of escape and a place to travel to worlds I would never know. I credit my beloved Mama for gifting me with my love of reading and writing. I’ve always wanted to become like the characters I write about. And live vicariously through their adventures. I feel what my character feels, the anticipation that builds up with each of their actions and the depth of their emotions whether they’re angry, sad, or mad. I can close my eyes and envision the emotions they feel and the expressions written all over their face. I’ve wrapped myself up in my characters that I’ve felt their hearts beating as they fall in love, lust, or fear and anger. I hear their voices in my head as I invent what kind of inflections my characters have in their speech. My heart races when they feel pain or slows down when they feel sadness and their hearts are breaking In a sense I become them even though they only exist in books, or later in movies. I think their thoughts and I dive deep into their world and feel their struggles, pain, and emotions. To me that’s the makings of a fabulous writer. If you can invoke those kinds of powerful emotions in your readers. That’s the type of writer I want to be and I know I’ll get there one story at a time. I prefer to read a book series as I travel with these characters to the worlds they inhabit. And interacting with other characters that they come across. I’ve followed a band of young travelers who discover strengths, talents, and abilities they never knew had existed in Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time Series. And I recently started reading the Chronicles of Narnia series by C.S.Lewis to my oldest son. I enjoy seeing the wonder in his eyes as he discovers the magical world that’s lying in wait in the back of the wardrobe. I have been enthralled and devastating by the beauty and danger of the world of Vampires and Witches in the series by Anne Rice. And I have been to the South, and treated to the hospitality, humor, personalities and antics of The Yaya Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells. I have had my heart broken and my eyes opened by plight of poverty, starving community, and the heartless government, during the Irish potato famine in the book Angela’s Ashes and the sequel Tis by the amazing Frank Mcourt. I honestly could go on for days with my love of books and my personal favorites on my bookshelf. I would like open up a conversation here dear readers, so you can share with me your favorites you’d read over and over again. Let us unite with our stories that shape us into who we are today with our love of written and spoken word. ❤️

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My one year of finding myself

Today is my one year blogging anniversary. It’s also the 23 rd year of my Grandpa’s death. I still remember it like it was yesterday the second man I’ve ever loved, besides my Daddy. I grew up being fascinated, perplexed, and adoring my Grandpa. He always told me I was a little girl with a big voice. I still remember how proud he was to hold me in his arms. I was the last of his daughters children. And there I lay bundled up in my pinkness in his arms. He always told me I could do anything I set my mind to. And now that little girl has grown up to have children of my own. When I started out on this blogging journey I really didn’t know what to expect. I went from blogging once a month when the thought moved me to write, to blogging once a day sometimes twice a day!!! I have always had a love of writing since an early age. I remember being 6 years old and learning how to read. Back then we were read to but weren’t expected to know actual words. My Grade 1 teacher Mrs. Bossio, opened up a magical world to me when she helped me learn to read. I would sit at my desk and look up at her with wonder as she made Dick, Jane, Sally, and Spot’s world come to life. And when I discovered I could put those letters into words and read those adventures myself I was hooked. By the time I was in Grade 3 I was an avid reader and was reading by the dozen out of the Silent Reading Assisted box. I was also an advanced reader so I helped tutor kids who needed it. I was also writing stories getting lost in the adventures of my characters. So I started and never looked back, over the years I collaborated on story writing with my Mom. And when I got into high school I tried my hand at poetry. I have stacks of journals, papers, notes of my writing and scribbles. I have boxes of duo tangs, binders, and books of stories and poems I’ve written over the years. Will any of these stories ever make it into print? I don’t know I may share them here, or get up enough courage to finish them off and submit them somewhere. What I didn’t expect after joining WordPress was how much I’ve grown, learned, and changed as a writer, person, and a parent. I didn’t know that I would find such an incredible, supportive, generous, community in WordPress land. So many other bloggers that have laughed with me, cried with me, and understood me better than my own family!!! I’ve gathered a following, come across your reader, and garnered some attention and likes. I didn’t expect to have late night conversations that made me smile, giggle, and feel philosophical, when I felt so lonely in my personal life. Today I say thank you to everyone who has read, shared, commented, and followed along on my journey. Here I am one year later, and finding my way back to myself one story at a time. Smooches and warm and fuzzy hugs to you all. You make my grateful heart super happy. 😍😘❤️

*Image used with permission from http://bravegirlsclub.com.

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