Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

A-Z challenge Brave

I recently started the blog linkup challenge of all the letters of the alphabet. I started writing them and left them in a draft status. For the next few days I’ll be publishing them and I’m thinking I’m either brave or crazy for doing so.

Word prompts always get my writing creativity flowing and I tend to write whatever pops into my head. Sometimes that’s refreshing and other times it leaves me feeling vulnerable. I recently shared that my son was diagnosed with autism on World Autism Awareness day. I considered writing about it with the beginning A of the alphabet but I chickened out and I wrote about acting instead. It’s a very personal part of my family life to discuss but this is what it feels like to be brave in print.
We started out on this journey two years ago when I was aware of my son’s developmental challenges. He took his first steps early at ten months when we had just moved into a hotel. My husband had just got a job transfer to a new town while we were attempting to sell our house in the previous one. By the time our youngest son was twelve months he was running and had a small list of foods he would eat.
He also wouldn’t sleep for long periods of the night even after cutting out his first nap of the day. I was living on caffeine and Carnation instant breakfast shakes. He was on the move constantly and I would take him to his brother’s school to attend a play group, and there I noticed he wasn’t behaving typically like other children in his age group. I watched as he grabbed toys and played beside me while I participated in craft time and play dough making. He wouldn’t touch any of it nor interact with other children.
He would also have a difficult time with crowds if the classroom was too busy. I chalked it up to tiredness and I’d take him back to our room for nap time. The vacuum would scare him and he didn’t like surprises or things he couldn’t predict. I had always referred to him as my sensitive boy when he was born as he was quiet but could get his feathers ruffled quickly. It got to be exhausting keeping him calm, well fed, and happy as he was easily sensory overloaded.
He was tactile hypersensitive and never liked to touch his finger food, play dough or the rice table. I had at this time become good friends with the facilitator of the playgroup and I asked for her guidance. My son had turned two by this time and had finally started sleeping through the night as we had moved into a rental house when he was eighteen months old. It was an adjustment for our family but one I welcomed after living in a hotel for seven long months! The staff was incredible to us and thought of us like family. They made the long days of dark clouds and rain bearable.
I feel brave for having gone through that experience and yet I had this feeling that my son needed more interventions. With the help of my friend the children’s facilitator she referred me to a child development agency. Then came the next few months of evaluations and questionnaires regarding my son’s development. He was approaching the age of three and still was behind in his gross, fine motor skills, as well as speech delayed.
Those assessments led us to a developmental Pediatrician that diagnosed my son with Sensory Processing Disorder in particular Sensory Modulation Disorder. This is when the central nervous system is seeking out sensory input to deliver that message to the brain and the rest of the body. My son had no fear, he’d climb a six foot bookshelf and jump on to the couch below! He’d also empty every book out of that shelf and dump out toy boxes. I would be in tears trying to put my house back together daily.
In that time I did a lot of reading staying up late burning the midnight oil with learning everything I could about SPD.

My husband had gotten another job transfer out of the province and I was doing my best being a solo parent. The nights were long as my son had begun snoring which isn’t your normal behaviour of a toddler. We saw an ENT that diagnosed him with a sleep disorder but said he was unable to do anything about it.
It was a struggle for the next three months but I persevered found us a house, got us packed up and moved into another hotel while waiting to take possession of our new home. I hardly slept and luckily my son was still napping so I’d catch up on sleep with him.

My oldest son was also suffering with some anxiety and I had to keep reassuring him constantly that he would make friends and enjoy his new school. I got him involved in a summer camp and started moving and unpacking all our belongings.
The next few months I spent my every waking minute making our house a home. The school year started and with that brought some more anxiety in the form of my oldest son getting bullied. I had to deal with this issue for the next three months. The office administration got to know me well as I was always requesting a meeting.

Finally that worked out as I got some school counselling and his teacher to help out.
Meanwhile I was attempting to socialize my youngest son as his vocabulary was starting to increase. We met a sweet friend and we attended a play group. It was very busy, loud, and crowded and my son didn’t do well at all. Nap time was a Godsend as the environment left me feeling sensory overwhelmed as well. After that, we attended play dates with our new friend and her family. It was special to have picnics at the park and birthday party fun.
When my son turned four we started to think about preschool as he was almost fully potty trained. It had taken awhile but we worked all summer towards his accomplishment. We did all the assessments with a speech, physical, and occupational therapist who found out he was Globally Developmentally Delayed. Meaning he had a severe delay in one or more of his developmental skills.
We worked hard to obtain funding and now he attends a wonderful preschool and has funding for a therapy team. He just turned five and will be transitioning to Kindergraten in the fall. With knowing he has autism there’s been a push in the right direction to get him the funding and behavioural aid support he needs. My son has a lot of challenges in life but ones he’s always faced head on with his tenacity and strength. I see a future full of success, determination, and substantial support. He’s our family’s blessing and the sky’s limitless for him and what he will achieve.

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My two year journey sharing one story at a time

Well another busy week has passed and low and behold I see this message from WordPress that it’s my two year anniversary of creating my blog. Time sure flies when you’re writing I hadn’t intended to immerse myself in my words as I started out publishing once a month. Now I’ve created unknowingly an online journal for my children.
There may be things here that may be hard for them to digest. Writing of my worries for them but also my joy for their successes and achievements. I write for me and my beloved Mama who’s influence in my life is immense and who started me on the path of my love of words. I only wish she could read them from beyond heaven and earth, no matter what though I know she feels pride.

She had always told me that I would do big things someday and I truly thought that would happen when I became a Mom. I see the path I travel with my children being their advocate and educating everyone in a five mile radius about special needs, neurological disorders and different abilities. If I had known what I know now I would’ve become a neurologist. Yet here I am fascinated with neuroscience and becoming a walking medical dictionary.
I take that as a great compliment and I credit my Mom and my love of research and having a photographic memory. Without even knowing it I’ve created a space here to share, vent, and make sense of my life. I write to express the chaotic thoughts that run with through my hamster like mind. I write to feel comfortable in my skin. There’s times where I leave myself feeling naked and vulnerable with my words upon the digital page.
Yet at the same time relieved that I don’t have to be suffocated with the feeling of them needing to come to life. My one goal last year was to be published. I made that happen first on a website and next for an international magazine! The one thing I wanted more than ever was to see my words in a book and that will be a dream becoming a reality before Christmas!
One of my essays was chosen to be in a book titled Lose The Cape-Never Will I Ever and Then I had kids. I will be featured as a contributor  with another thirty writers sharing our stories. This is a book I’m really proud to be part of and promote. The book is available for preorder on Amazon on Dec. 7 th. 

Amazon Link-Lose The Cape-Never Will I Ever Then I Had Kids

Amazon Link-Lose The Cape Book 1-Realities from Modern day Moms and Strategies to Survive

The Lose the Cape team has been a incredible gift in my life. They have taught me that I’m super just the way I am, and I don’t need a cape to prove it! So cheers to two years of blogging and finding myself and sharing my heart one story at a time.

 

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Silver Lining

My Mom was a wise woman who always looked on the brighter side of life. Even if I lay my head in her lap overcome with tears, she always had a wisdom to impart. She would say “

“Never be afraid of tears for they are pearls of wisdom of our hearts longing to be whole. Let those tears flow for you are a wonderful and wise child of God.”

It’s comforting to know no matter how bad things can get in life there’s always a sliver lining to a dark cloud. My Mom made sure if we did face trials and tribulations that we prayed our way through it. I have to admit I’ve given in to my stress and felt hopeless at times, but I know if God can bring me to it, then he will get me through it. This is something I’m teaching my son who’s anxiety can prevent him from seeing this silver lining.

 So we pray, sing, and hug our way through his worries. I know that’s what my Mom would want me to do. Everything I learned about being a Mom came from her wisdom. And when her mind started failing and her body followed I abandoned all hope to see my silver lining. Through a time of grief, prayer, recovery, and love of my family and friends I made it through that dark tunnel. I talk to my Mom every day and speak of my memories and share her love and wisdoms with my children. 

It saddens me that my youngest never met her and that his brother was his age when she passed. The silver lining that keeps me going is that they can see my Mom in my face, and as I share my own love for their Grandma. I hold her in my heart and look into the eyes of my precious sons and see her there. It makes me feel special like she’s never completely gone. She comes to me in my dreams and we sit and hold hands and speak through our love and telepathy. She always has a knowing smile that she’s aware of everything that I tell her, as she sees it for her own eyes. 

It’s a gift to feel her presence around me when I see a butterfly fluttering around me or a feather falling from the sky. If I could turn back the clock and relive those memories again of drinking tea and chatting I would be so grateful. Or standing together in the kitchen singing and doing the dishes I would. Every time I hear an Elvis song or an Irish tune I feel her singing with me. 

This is my gift and my hearts longing to feel my beloved Mama’s arms around me again. To hear her laughter, laugh at her jokes, and have her call me honey child just one last time. I know this can only happen in my dreams until we’re reunited together again in the afterlife. I take comfort in my memories and the love and guidance that she bestowed upon me as her daughter and later when I became a Mother myself. This is my silver lining and I’m grateful that I have one to cherish. Until we meet again Mom here you stay in my heart forever and always. 💖

This has been my Sunday confession with More Than Cheese and Beer please checkout her anonymous confessions on her Facebook page of the same name. As well as all the other talent who link up. Thank you. 💗

 

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Dream

I had a dream that most people thought was fiction when I wrote about it. It really wasn’t it was an amazing event that I feel blessed enough to experience. I wrote about it, submitted it and it was published in an International magazine. I was so elated and pleased that I was chosen. And here I am two months later thinking about that dream I had. I’m even dreaming about it, and I let it take me away from my life which has been difficult to bear at times. I wonder where this little girl that I know so well from my childhood dreams will lead me. Will she take me to her favourite places tucked away in a country hillside? Will she lead me back to feelings I had when I heard stories of my Grandma’s Celtic ancestry? Will she talk to me and tell me of her joys of her childhood even though it was a short one? 

I dream of this sweet little girl with the strawberry curl and long to hear of her memories of a family that adored her, and mourned her greatly after her death. I wonder what she remembers about her life. What was her favourite toy, did her doll have a name, what was her special lullaby her Mom sang to her night? My dreams are full of her smiles, the lilt in her voice, and adorable laughter that echoes in my mind long after I wake up. I wonder what she dreams about her parents faces, her siblings smiles, or the beautiful life she’s living now. I wonder who she would’ve been if she was allowed to grow up. I wonder if she’d have children and who she would name them after. I know how much she was loved and adored as it was my Grandma’s baby sister in my dreams.

 She died so tragically and anytime my beloved Gram told the story I would wipe away her tears. I can only imagine the grief and shock the family would feel with her loss. I went searching for her in the death records I had access to through my work. I couldn’t find her and it was so distressing so I prayed to her,

and this is where I am today. She has been located, and due to her untimely death she didn’t have a grave marker. She will now though, I have a family member that will be making her one. After all these years I’m so happy that she will have this closure and honour. And when I go back to my hometown I plan on visiting her. I’ve never seen a picture of her but I always have the one from my dreams. Rest in peace sweet angel, you may be gone but you will never be forgotten. 

This has been my Sunday confession for http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com. Please check out her facebook page for anonymous confessions, her talent,  and all the other dreamers that link up. Thank you for being here. 💗

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Consumed

I have been consumed as of late by every little thought, action that I make. I have struggled to get my sons the help they need from Doctors, professionals, the school, and now support services. I had to move out of the province to find the support they needed. And now it’s finally coming to be, as I met with my Dr and begged him to help my sons with their anxiety and neurological disorders one diagnosed, and one pending. It’s been a long haul for my family as I’ve been consumed with keeping the peace in my home and beyond. My Dr came through since I’ve received minimal help from my former province. So he’s wrote a referral for my kids to see a developmental paediatrician, and we will start the process in January. I’ve also qualified and have had respite care so Mama can get a break too. And starting next week my husband and will able to have a scheduled date night as well. I haven’t felt like the best wife for some time now, because it’s so hard when I’m consumed with keeping everyone calm. And when we’re not then it just feels like hell on earth. The screaming, crying, whining, sensory overloaded meltdowns drain me of my life force. I feel old, tired, and completely spent with nothing left to give. I’ve felt consumed over my children and have left my husband on the proverbial back burner. I’ve felt torn over my love for him and how much I love and need to be there for our kids. He’s always there loving, helping, and cheering me on as I fight battle after battle. And yet I’m too exhausted to really appreciate it. It’s not fair for either of us but it’s our lives and we make the good and not so good times work. It’s all about balance and not letting each of us get too consumed. Him with his work, me with our kids health, my oldest with his anxiety, and our youngest with his fears. This Christmas I was prepared I had the sensory tools, all the calming regulating techniques with music, fidgets, and the electronic devices charged and ready. And my kids did great, they slept in Christmas morning due to all the excitement the night before. My husband’s family celebrates with Danish tradition and that’s complete with a turkey dinner with all the trimmings, and then presents after. So it was a treat to sip my tea and Bailey’s and read while enjoying the Christmas tree and softly falling snow outside. This was my first moment of peace and contentment and I was happy to share it with my love. I wasn’t consumed about anything no presents to wrap, no breakfast to make, no occupational therapy schedule to plan, just pure happiness. After our kids woke up we enjoyed their excitement as they dived into their Santa gifts and I enjoyed his goodies in my stocking too. We had a lovely breakfast prepared by my Father in-law and after cleanup I played outside in the snow with my sons. We had so much fun making snow angels, running, rolling, and jumping off the deck into beautiful fresh powder.

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It was truly what my mind, body, and spirit needed. I looked at the mountains consumed with their beauty and marvelled at how lucky I was to grow up with this in my backyard. Now I can share in this luxury with my children as we have to drive now to see the mountains up close. There are moments in time that truly takes my breath away, and this was one. I wanted to stop and freeze time and become consumed with this love. My tummy was full, my heart was filled, and my spirit was rejoicing in the magic of Christmas. Blessings to you all as you enjoy the very best of this beautiful season.

This has been my submission the lovely http://lindaghill.com. Please check out her post and all the other talent that links up. Happy new year my dear readers. 😘❤️

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I’m thankful

I had been given a beautiful opportunity to guest blog yesterday from the wonderful Brain at http://howmybrainworks.weebly.com. Today I will share it with you. 😊
I’m feeling very thankful for her kindness and generosity as part of her Cherish the moment day. I’m thankful for the love of my family especially when I’m cranky and want to stab something with a plastic fork. 😉 I’m thankful for the friends I’ve made in each town I’ve lived in. I know I can call up any of them if I’m in need of advice, or a place to stay if I come to town. I’m grateful for my ability to pack up my family and set down roots with every job transfer my husband incurs. Most of all I’m thankful that I’m starting to love myself again. I’ve had a long journey back to myself through grief, stress, depression, and anxiety. I have grown up worrying and feeling responsible for events that happened in my life. As a young child feeling guilty over the break up of my parents marriage, it was a very confusing and difficult time as a little girl. Through time, heart to heart chats, and therapy I’ve learned I had played no part in the separation. The bullying I suffered in high school had sent me into an emotional turmoil, thinking somehow I deserved all the debilitating torment. And as I’ve grown and matured I have realized that these events in my life have shaped me into who I am today. I’m so thankful that I had a very special relationship with my beloved parents, for their time on earth. I wish I could’ve kept them here forever, yet I hold them in my heart and cherish my memories. They taught me to love, accept, and be myself with no apologies. When I look in the mirror I see my beloved Mama’s face smiling back at me. And I know I can love myself, even if I want to pull her out the mirror and hug her for one last time. I’m thankful my Dad taught me to be strong, independent, determined, and stubborn. I’ve carried those attributes into my daily life as I fight hard for what I love and believe in, never taking no for an answer. I’m so thankful that God blessed me with a wonderful man and our precious sons. My oldest who makes me laugh with his comedic talent, his excitement for technology, and his brilliant mind. I’m thankful for my youngest and how he sees the world with excitement and wonder, and his deep capacity to love everyone who crosses his path. I’m grateful that even though they suffer with sensory disorders and the anxiety associated with that, they know they are loved and cherished by their parents. I’m so thankful for finally being comfortable enough in my own skin, to share my writing in an online forum. It doesn’t matter how many letter degrees I don’t have after my name. I have a love and passion for the spoken and written word and I’m expressing that through my thoughts. I’m thankful for the blessings bestowed on me on my life journey. All the things I thought were catastrophes at the time, have taught me to be patient, brave, courageous, and forgiving. I believe there are no failures in life, just learning experiences. And as I learn and grow I see myself as a human being not a perfect replica of a Mom, wife, or sibling, or friend. I am imperfectly, creatively, authentically me, a human doing in this world. I am thankful that you popped in to read the ramblings of my mind. And for the beautiful Brain for letting me be a part of her Cherish the Moments. May you enjoy your today’s and tomorrow’s and see your circumstances as blessings towards a better, healthier, happier you.
Happy Thanksgiving to my American readers. ❤️

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