Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind

It’s confession time I have been marking the days off on my calendar with a big red X. Three guesses on why I’m doing that? Yes you guessed right if you’re Canadian, it’s back to school time. It’s been a long fun summer but it’s time for pencils, books, and learning the fine art of listening again. 

My oldest son is very excited about this school year and having a new teacher. To ease his anxiety filled mind I requested a meet and greet as soon as school was out. It was wonderful as his teacher is new to the school and that made him feel better knowing that. This year my son is not the new kid on the block and that’s a comforting thought. 

As the bullying he had to endure last year made for a difficult start. I spent so much in the vice principal’s office you would think I was staff! Now this month of August has left us with the last few dog days of summer before school’s in session. I wanted to make this an amazing summer for my kids because last year we were moving. 

I have things up my sleeve planned to surprise them. Yet I have to do this strategically as my oldest doesn’t like surprises and will ask 52 questions before we leave the house. My youngest loves the act of a surprise initially, but with his sensory processing disorder this makes transitions very difficult for him. I load up the kids and my truck and I tell them we’re going on an adventure. Sometimes that’s enough to cause them excitement or for me to be incessantly asked are we there yet? So it ends up working either way the stress of keeping a surprise, organizing my family to leave the house, is either a positive experience or negative one.

 I always prefer it to be the former than the latter, and if it doesn’t work out I at least gave it a try. Sometimes all this thinking wears me out, and I feel like I’m losing my mind! Do you know when you have a dream and you don’t want to wake up because it’s so wonderful than the reality you’re living? Sometimes I have those moments, and other times I feel like I had a dream I didn’t plan on dreaming.

 I don’t know if that makes sense when you’re reading it, but it makes sense to me as my stream of conscious thought keeps unravelling one layer of yarn at a time….

This is my submission to Stream of Conscious Thought I’ve had a brief hiatus from participating so I’m happy to be back to where the thoughts flow and the talent oozes from this creative place. Please check out this haven, and see if you can guess today’s prompt. 😉

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Most and Least

This has been the most stressful week I’ve gone through since I got the call that my Dad was in hospice. I believe the feelings that are swirling around in my body and brain are the same. This week I had to sit there while the Paediatrician said “I’m going to say some things that are difficult to hear.” So I replied “just say it Doc I’ve lived through a lot.” So she said I want your children genetically tested and evaluated for ASD.

I didn’t know what to say except I agreed and thanked her for being honest with me. Inside I felt like she had just ripped the bandaid off my broken heart. And it was oozing out the pain I was keeping in there awaiting healing. I walked out of her office feeling the most vulnerable I had ever felt in my life. My kids are my world, and when I first found out that I was expecting each of them I prayed for a healthy pregnancy. I never wanted to see them in pain, suffering or feeling powerless.

So this is the least of their worries as I just allow them to just be kids. They don’t know of the stress, the sleepless nights, the times I’ve spent crying. They know that they get frustrated easy, nightmares awaken them, and change is difficult to comprehend. With my oldest I tell him all our brains are wired differently. He can’t always help what comes out of his mouth, but he should say kind things.

He sometimes asks me why he can’t let go of a thought bothering him, or why he needs his homework to be perfect. The only answer I have is God made us all unique and different. There’s things that really bother me too. But I concentrate on the things that I can deal with. And let go of the things I can’t and let God take care of them. I will admit though this is the most I’ve had to absorb in one day in one week. So I’m praying for strength and acceptance so I can infuse that in my sons.

So where does this leave me? I will be applying for funding, and getting the most help I need for my children, as well as myself. I’ve joined a support group online and I look forward to meeting these other Moms. I’ve also been attending my support groups locally and it’s so gratifying to meet other parents that are walking the same path as me. After the paper work’s completed, and the appointments are made, then I’ll see where we’re at with getting help.

I’ve never been a fan of labels, but in this case it will be what’s needed in order to move forward with a diagnosis with funding. These labels will not define my children or change who they are. They will not change me or my husband either. They will make us the most devoted parents with advocating for them. They will still be happy, healthy, fun loving kids with a few more letters of the alphabet applied. And most of all they’re our gifts from God that were bestowed on us.

I wouldn’t change any moment of their lives or mine. We get the hand that’s dealt to us in life. We can let it define us or let us rise to the occasion. I prefer to feel my pain for a moment, embrace it, and keep moving forward. I owe it to my family to do so, and it’s the least I can do after they blessed me when they made me their Mom. 💖

This has been my submission to
http://lindaghill.com/2015/01/23/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-january-2415/ for Saturday Stream of Consciousness and the prompt was most/least. Using one or both words.

Please check out her gifted writing and all the other talent that links up. Thank you always dear readers, for your love and support. 😊

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Shape

I think about things that are many different shapes circles that are round, squares that are shaped like a box, and I think about myself and how I fit into this scenario. I’ve always been different, I didn’t think like other kids I was deep, introspective, and I saw a lot more than they did. For underneath the surface lies the truth even if people aren’t telling it. I’ve always been that proverbial square peg in a round hole never quite fitting in, and always going against the grain. This has served my purpose here in life quite well. I either attract like minded people and energy or I repel what is considered the “norm”. I think about myself as a person, my mind, spirit, and my body. I have curves like a race track I was born to hug corners and the people I love. That has always brought me a lot of attention from men and jealousy from women. I never could understand why there could be such an attraction,as I never saw myself as more than my mind and emotions. Feeling the repercussions of the green eyed monster baffled me, as women would think I was flirting with their man if I said hello, or asked the time. I was raised by kind people, and they taught me to be kind in return. I remember the first time I moved to the city and I saw this good looking guy and he looked at me through a window at a restaurant and smiled at me. I in turn smiled back, he walked by and I left the restaurant shortly after. My sister in-law and I walked around downtown as she showed me the sights. I caught this guys eye again crossing the street and he again smiled. So likewise I reciprocated, my sister in-law saw this and became very alarmed. She dragged me into a store and said you never make eye contact with a stranger, and you never ever smile! Well I was perplexed to say the least as all my small town charm wasn’t necessary. And in this particular case she was right as this good looking guy started following us. That was my first and very important lesson and I began to look ahead, confident, and tough, while walking around the city. My brothers advice was keep your head up, and look like you know where you’re going even if you don’t. So the way my childhood shaped me didn’t prepare me for the big city life. I still prefer small towns, but I’ve adapted over the years with each move that I make. And I still shape my personality to how I was raised to be kind, caring, and respectful. I’m still a little different and that’s ok, I don’t need to shape myself into something I’m not. I see that very clearly now as I mature and find more reasons to be comfortable in my own skin. I really like the shape I’m in and make no apologies for that. I think that’s the best part of being a square peg in a round hole.

Today’s Saturday Stream of Consciousness is brought to you by http://lindaghill.com. and the prompt is shape. Check out her Saturday thoughts and all the other talent who link up. 😊

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