Jsack's Mom's Blog

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

Safe

My favourite place at the end of my day is in my husband’s arms. He makes me feel safe, loved, and cherished. We’ve been together a long time it’s hard for me to imagine life before him. There was a time when I didn’t feel safe to give my heart to anyone. I had countless boyfriends cheat on me and still want a relationship with me. That’s not how I operate its loyalty, monogamy, or nothing. I had a very verbally abusive ex who I began to not feel safe with. At first when we were dating everything was great, than that nagging feeling in the back of my thoughts will plague me. As the relationship progressed I thought I could change things when I he became sullen and moody. I wouldn’t talk when he wanted quiet, I wouldn’t talk to anyone when he wanted me by his side. We had one class together in high school and I was intrigued by him. He was a two  years older than me and I wasn’t shy and made friends easily. He liked what he saw in me so we began dating. At first it was new, fun, and exciting then like everything in life the bloom was fading from the rose. He started to show his true colors through his jealousy. I thought that I could change him by changing myself. This became a pattern of my obsession to improve myself. Better hair, makeup, clothes, and becoming fitter. I began to not recognize that person in the mirror as I slept less, ate more, and worked out religiously. In his kind moments that were fleeting, he’d tell me I looked so good I was good enough to eat. I didn’t really know what to think of that, I was 16 years old and never thought of myself as I prey before… It was really bizarre I remember one time hanging out with him and we were in his car. He was kissing and cuddling and watching the luminescent moon over the water. It was beautiful and romantic but it escalated quickly to tugging, pulling, and pinning me down. He wanted much more than I was willing to give. I of course said no loud and clear and he continued to press me further. I felt cornered and I came out fighting and punched him in the face and got out of the car. I started to run but he had my leg and my shoe came off in his hand. It was dark, scary, rocky, and I felt very unsafe. I didn’t know where I was as this was the first time I had been to this area.  I managed to climb up on some rocks while he tried to talk me down. I could smell him and see his thick, shrouded, aura emanating from him as he walked away. He got in his car and he left, roared out of there while I was huddled up on a rock in a skirt and sandals. I stayed up there and prayed for some resolution. These were the days before everyone had cell phones to capture their every move. I knew I couldn’t spend the night there and I was going to be in a lot of trouble because it was way past my curfew. I started to climb down and make my way across the rocks to the road. My feet were so sore and I had developed a blister. I was so scared and longed for the safety of my home and my bed. I trudged on and tried to shield myself from the icy cold wind blowing off the water. All I had to cover myself was my jean jacket. I was dressed to attend a dance which I did that my boyfriend was working at. I continued walking along the road praying that someone safe would find me. Suddenly there was bright lights heading towards me and I continued walking, then the car drove past me and I could hear tires squealing as it headed towards me. I ran as fast as I could and I heard music blaring then dead silence. I wasn’t safe but I knew I needed help. Then I heard my name being called it was my boyfriends friend and he told me he was looking all over for me. He was told I had a bitch fit and ran away. He drove me back home and I talked less and listened more. I felt relieved to be able to escape that debacle. I knew my ex was moody, was used to getting his own way, and every intuitive thought screamed at me to run not walk, away from him. As soon as I arrived home and thanked my ride for rescuing me I sat down and took a hard look at my life. I wrote down five things that I wanted for myself. 

  • 1. I wanted to feel safe. 
  • 2. I wanted to be with someone who loved, respected, and cared about my well being. 
  • 3. I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin. 
  • 4. I needed to take care of myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. 
  • 5. I would never try to change a person again, and pay more attention to my empathic feelings. 

I took this list and then wrote a letter goodbye. I read it to my ex and we parted ways. There was apologies and attempts to win me over with charm and gifts. I looked at the list I had made and stuck to my guns, and didn’t give in. Fast forward twenty-five years in time and I’ve met, fallen in love, and created a life with a wonderful man who is on my list. He’s my soft, safe, place to fall when my world is scary. He loves, respects, and cares about my well being as well as our children. My husband makes me feel comfortable in my skin by showing me he’s comfortable in his. He gives me outlets to take care of myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. And when I’m not he makes sure I get more sleep, flowers, chocolate, dessert, and movie nights for just the two of us. I never try to change him, I just love him for who he is. Sure there are times I wish he’d fold some laundry, but that’s  minor in the long term view of our relationship. He helps me be a better, woman, wife, Mom, and friend. And knowing that he loves all of me, even the scary parts of my personality is a gift. I feel safe in knowing I’m loved and safe with him. 💗

This has been my submission to http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com Sunday confessions. Which I know it’s Thursday now. I wrote and saved it but couldn’t find it till now. Please check out the anonymous confession on Ash’s Facebook page and all the other talent that link up. Thank you. 💕 


 

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Whine

I’ve had it, I’ve heard enough, this is the last straw!!! It’s all incessant whining in my household. So starting out this blog post I shall offer a disclaimer.

*Whining will NOT be tolerated unless it’s by the Mother of the household of whiners.*

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Now you may think this is unfair I assure you it’s how I see it as I’m up to my eyeballs in it. I was up late last night, I’m not even going to attempt to whine about that since that is my life. I listened to my Mad dog coughing till 2 am. I couldn’t wake him up enough to give him so medicine so I rubbed his feet with an essential oil flu blend. I continued chatting with my friend who was up at the same time as me. And we poured out our thoughts, wishes, inspirations, and songs.

I finally went to bed tossing and turning over this weeks events. I thought about how excited I was to have chicken wings and my husband wanted them cooked to crispness perfection. I opened up the oven and it set off the smoke alarm! The noise was deafening as we opened doors and windows. There was no visible signs of smoke just very delicious chicken wings I couldn’t eat. 😳

I had two very sensory boys to deal with. One that just turned up the TV and one who was potty training and running around naked. I was trying to catch him before he erupted all over the place. Honestly it would’ve been quicker to catch a greased pig at a BBQ. I finally corralled him in a corner and got his underwear on, then turned down the blaring TV. Meanwhile the alarms was still making it’s annoying beeping. The sound of it’s shrill whine made me hide in my laundry room. As my sensory bucket was full to the brim and overflowing.

What would I do if I had a magic wand in these situations? Voila my youngest would be completely potty trained and accident free! His brother would think before he says the hurtful words that spew forth from anger. I would get more sleep, and alone time with my husband. I wouldn’t have to be on constant vigil listening for sounds of breathing, snoring, or choking. And there would be more date nights with copious amounts of wine enjoyed. 😃

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*Image used with permission from http://www.sharingwithshari.com*

Back to my story after my own ADHD moment, finally the nails on the chalkboard sound stopped and I crawled out from the black hole of my laundry room. I put my kids to bed, amidst the whining of I’m not tired, I don’t want to go potty, read me another story. Finally I had freedom and I grabbed a huge plate of wings and retreated to my safety of my bedroom. My husband and I comforted ourselves with watching Grim and I drank some wine. It was a pleasant end to a long experience of sensory proportions.

This morning I awoke to the sounds of whining. My Captain couldn’t find his elbow pad. I somehow got blamed for it, although he was the one who aired out his gear and packed it up after. I listened to the stomping, whining, and after 4 hours of sleep the angry Mama bear had arisen. The elbow pad was found in my sons hockey bag (where it was the whole time) and his whining and temper tantrum woke up his brother. Who was none to happy about breaking his slumber after hacking most of the night. He stumbles around dehydrated, cranky, and in need of Mommy cuddles.

Mornings like this really make me want to day drink but I chill my bottle and know it will be waiting for me at the end of the day. So I said Father and son out the door to their hockey game and I curl up on the couch to reflect. Now I’m whining about not enough milk left for cereal for me. After my Mad dog devoured two big bowls and I’m currently munching on Caesar salad. With just the two of us home there’s laughter, hockey, zamboni ice clearing, and most important a whine free zone.

This has been my submission to Ash’s Sunday confession of http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com. Please check out her blog, her anonymous confessions on her Facebook page and all the other talent who link up. Smooches to a whine free day. 😘

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