Tough times don’t last, tough people do

1 month= 30 days ,744 hours, 44,640 minutes and 2,678,400 seconds and I miss my love like my heart has been cut in half…. This is a rant, a vent, a cry for help as this is the longest stretch of time my husbands been gone from our family. I deal with daily life surviving on very little sleep, patience, or self respect. I find myself laying awake in bed at night contemplating whether I can get through another sleep deprived day. I’ve spent the last 3 months listening to my son snoring and breathing on a baby monitor. Now with his current sleep apnea diagnosis I’ve been using a new baby monitor that has an alarm sensor that detects the lowest decibel of sound. I should be sleeping more soundly with this new system in place but I’m finding it very difficult to give up control. I can’t hear the snoring anymore so I’m up a few times at night checking on him. I got the diagnosis after my husband had left and the ENT prognosis was devastating. So I find myself staying up late reading and researching how to help my son. All I have is a 30 minute computer screen conversation with my honey each night. And really it’s to check in with the kids about their day and I’m in the background cleaning, organizing, hiding my pain. I have so many things I want to share with him and find myself envious of this new life he’s creating. I miss him like the flowers miss the sunshine, like peanut butter misses bread, crackers miss cheese you get the picture as I sit here and wax poetic on my life and love for him. I miss how I feel when I’m with him, how no matter what I feel it say the love he has for me is solid. I told him recently I sucked and I wasn’t a very good Mom and I was struggling with my confidence as the negative tapes of I’m not good enough play in my head. He simply replied you don’t suck, you rock, and I love you. Now really that’s love, I’m crying and diving into the emotions of the dark night of my soul and he’s there reassuring, loving, caring, and talking me through it. I miss not having control in my life as I’ve carved out this comfortable little existence where I know where, when, and what’s going to happen. I juggle school, home, actives, appointments, and assessment after assessment for my kids. And now I have zero control as I wait for my home to sell, wait for a new home to buy, and wait to find someone and something to help my son. So I talk, I cry, I vent to my husband who believes if you have control then deal with it, if you can’t then let it go. Great advice, and easy enough to follow if you’re not a control freak like me!!! So as hard as it is I’m letting go and letting God deal with it. And I’m taking this time to really be honest with myself and others. I miss my husband and this is the first time I’ve admitted it to myself. He is and always will be my soft place to fall when I feel completely lost, vulnerable, I am and always will be loved. So time to pull up my big girl panties and deal with it and this becomes my affirmation of the day. I will get through this difficult time, I will survive another day, I will hug and love my kids a lot longer and a lot better
each day. I will dig deep and find that strong, pure, love for myself because tough times don’t last, tough people do.

Solo gig

One singular sensation, número uno, one and only, solo, no matter how you slice the pie the reality is solo parenting sucks!!! I borrow this new term from one of my favourite bloggers Jen Pinarski. Not to confuse the word solo with single let’s face it folks, single parents are rock stars. I was raised by one from the age of 4 till adulthood. I’m talking about the solo parenting gig I’ve embarked on since my husband’s job transfer. I’m not the best Mom right now, and I’m not the worst. Being home alone with my kids has made me feel grateful, scared, insecure, and heart breaking lonely. I have become my kids sole support for entertainment, taxi service, and basic necessities of food, clothing, and shelter. In between appointments, activities, errands, housekeeping, adjustments, and kisser of owies, I haven’t stopped long enough to give myself a pat on the back. My husband and I make a great tag team parenting duo. I take care of everything that needs to be done in the home, bed times and take my kids to their appointments and activities. My hubby does the grocery shopping, bill paying, and mail pick up. We both share the cooking and yard work duties. And now he’s working hard away in his corner of the world while I hold it together in mine. He Skypes and Facetimes us to hear all about our day and say goodnight to the kids. I try and explain to my little boy why he only sees his Daddy through a computer screen and not at his old job. And how I explain to my big boy how I’m the boss in the house now and he is my helper. Last month my littlest was diagnosed with a neurological condition called Sensory Processing Disorder. And this month another diagnosis of sleep apnea and being told there was nothing that could be done to help him!!! Hearing those words said about my son ignited this protective Mama bear into action. I already have to be the advocate on getting him help with his sensory condition so what’s one more thing. Well it was the proverbial straw that broke this Mama camels back. I dove into my bottle of wine and spent some quality time with Jimmy Fallon. So after a night of my pity party and woe is me I woke up told hugged my kids and told them how much I love them and I got this solo parenting thing under control. Because that’s what us rock stars do, keeping it real one day at a time.