The Tear

What is it about the passage of time? I’ve heard that time heals all wounds, time passes on and time is short. It’s that tear in the fabric of time that intrigues me the most. Where you can be another version of yourself-someone who is stronger and makes better decisions and takes a different path in life.

Like the actress Gweneth Paltrow played in the movie Sliding doors her character was on the subway platform deciding if she should or shouldn’t get on the train. The director portrayed what would happen with her life if she stepped on the subway and who she was and who she interacted with.

It really fascinated me with the twists and turns within the plot of the movie. It showed me that you do have to be careful what you wish for. As I’m watching this the character in my favourite TV show #Thisisus is replaying the memory track of what his life was like before when he was a high school football star and adored by everyone. Kevin had colleges scouting him, a girlfriend who loved him and a close relationship with his family. Then it all came to a crashing end when he was tackled in the big game and suffered a broken leg.

He still had the beautiful girlfriend (who he would later go on to marry and divorce), a strong bond with his fraternal twin sister Kate, an emerging relationship with his adopted brother Randall, and his parents Jack and Rebecca that were there to love and support him to this jagged tear to his football dreams. Yet Kevin can’t see past any of that as he sinks into a depression that goes on to shadow his life in his current phase.

What would’ve his life been like if he avoided that devastating hit that changed his path forever? Would he have gone on to football stardom and become the proud recipient of the Heisman trophy, married the girlfriend and lived happily ever after? Even though he’s a television character Kevin and his life story is enthralling to me that he went onto to what appeared to be a good life making a successful living as an actor while recovering from the death of his Father, the rock in his life.

How would his life be any different if he would’ve just thrown the football, avoided the tackle and never have to lose his Dad at such a young age? It’s the conundrum I’m sure most of us have encountered at some point on our path what if I would’ve taken that subway train, stayed with the ex or gotten that scholarship to college. It’s the tearing of the dream that we have for ourselves that can hurt the most where we feel the regrets of time we’ve lost and where the what if’s eat us up inside.

Is the grass always greener over on the other side of the fence? Not necessarily, should we all just be living the life of our dreams with no regrets or resentments? I’ve always intended to raise my sons to follow their dreams, reach for the stars and be kind and giving human beings. It’s the life that we live that shows us who are true character really is. Excepting the hand we’re dealt and taking the leap of faith and being who we’re really meant to be that matters the most.

I saw myself becoming a famous actress and singer entertaining the world with my talent. Unfortunately I didn’t have the courage to pursue those idealistic dreams and leave my parents and go off to the big city. I didn’t believe in myself as much as I should’ve and that tears at my heart still today. But who am I to say that my dreams shall just wither and die? I can still realize them just in a different way, by performing in theatre and pursuing my passion for storytelling.

It’s the gift of words that sets my heart aflutter now as I’m passing on that love of reading and writing to my sons. It fills my eyes with happy tears as I sit and listen to my youngest champion son reading about Pete the Cat and his buttons as he acts and sings out every page. When I thought his brain might not be able to make sense of the letters with his autism and mental processing speed. Then as my heart swells with pride when my oldest rock star son starts reading me an essay that he’s writing for school and telling me he wants to be a writer like me when he’s older.

I wish for them not to struggle with their identities or what direction they should go career wise like I’ve done. To be able to avoid the “hits” that happen in life the fair weather friends, bullies on the playground, and young love breakups. If I could I’d protect them from it all but then they wouldn’t be truly living and discovering the world for what it is. Their time shouldn’t be spent wondering what if but really experiencing all that life has to offer them from school, friendships, love, and beyond!

It’s in these moments that I know I found the right path and even though my mind can wonder about the what if’s of the world it’s the life that I’m living being the best me I can be that matters. Not the one who made her way to Hollywood to become the actress of her dreams who may have caved in to all the pressure that a lot of celebrities fall under and resorted to drugs and alcohol as a way to cope.

I would rather be my authentic self who loves who I see when I look in the mirror, that prays with my children every evening for a better world for them to grow up in, and loves my husband with everything in me. That’s the bond of family that dreams, pride, fantasies, or ego can never tear away.

Changes

Hello my dear readers how are you all today? My life has been a series of changes and relocations. My family and I moved out to the prairies in the middle of Canada 4 months ago. We’ve been adapting to the climate (it’s drier and colder here) so the cold and flu season has been wrecking havoc on our immune systems. We’ve had an early snowfall and it just keeps coming by the bucketfuls.

As I’ve been making my house a home I’ve also been advocating for educational services for my youngest son with autism. That has been a journey I’ve been on since he was a toddler and one that can leave me elated and depleted all at once. The intervention therapists in this school district do more assessments then hands on work with children. Which is something I’m not used to as my son had a wonderful team at his previous schools.

My son has a wonderful teacher, educational aide and special needs education resource teacher. The Occupational, Speech and Language Pathologist and Physio therapists all work on a consultative basis. They put together a written plan and then the aide and the resource teacher implement it.

They’ve started using visuals in the classroom which are a great support for my son. He needs to see those pictures in order to process what he needs to do for his school day. He’s been doing well as he’s a more visual than auditory learner. There’s also been a few hiccups which means I stay at school and help him and his aide work through it.

He will become overstimulated in an environment that is noisy and will react by stimming (running, yelling, spinning to get sensory input) His central nervous system will go into sensory overload as his Sensory Processing Disorder causes a traffic jam inside his brain and nerves while he’s processing all the input. Then he needs help immediately to help him cope while nerve impulses are firing off inside his brain.

I’m a team player I will do what I can to assess and alleviate the situation and then tag his aide to carry on. It’s so hard to leave my sweet boy when he’s in conflict with his environment and senses yet I know he’s in great hands. I will be relieved after the consultations are done with the professionals and he can start his therapies. He’s been working with his resource teacher and aide on an ongoing basis but to have a Individual Intervention Plan (IIP) will help us all.

I continue to support my oldest son with his school and hockey. He loves his new teacher and is making friends and fitting in well with his student led classroom. I’ve had an opportunity to meet with his teacher and attend some games and practices and meet some of the other parents. I take my hockey Mom role to heart and cheer my son and his team on and off the ice. Yet I’m split in the middle as I have to be aware of how his little brother is reacting to his environment. If it’s too loud, busy and confusing then a sensory meltdown is forthcoming.

I call it the Mom pie syndrome everyone gets a piece then I bake a new one for the next day. Lately I’ve been finding that I don’t have a piece left for me so I need to take my self care into account. I want to be more social yet I deal with my anxiety and tend to shy away from initiating that.

As someone who has both the mobsters of self worth and self esteem knocking on my mind’s door depression and anxiety take the drivers seat while I’m the passenger along for the ride. It’s a vicious cycle I live with and keep on persevering through it. Taking steps slowly and surely is the key to my social success. I’ve done the opposite and have crashed on through like a proverbial bull in a China shop and suffered the after affects.

We spent our first Halloween in our community and I got to meet a lot of my new neighbours. Everyone was kind and welcoming and I felt a surge of feelings of relief when I engaged with them. It’s amazing what cute kids and all of us in costumes will do to raise my confidence.

This year I was a pirate, my oldest a Pumpkin man complete with a suit, top hat, sunglasses and a cane. My youngest was a skeleton complete with a head mask and my husband was a Spider man complete with a suit and a skull top hat. We take turns every year one to stay home and hand out candy and the other to go trick or treating. It was my turn to go out with our sons, even though it was cold they collected quite a haul of candy as we introduced ourselves to our neighbourhood.

Every year we decorate our house and yard as we’re big fans of Halloween and fun ensues as my family tries to out scare each other . The day after the snowfall happened and I was rushing to get decorations inside the garage before they fell apart! I accomplished my task and then shovelled snow until I couldn’t feel my hands and feet then I spent the afternoon underneath my electric blanket till school was out.

As I continue to unpack and organize I also have been decluttering. This is not an easy task for me yet a necessary one. I’ve given away more boxes to the thrift store that I’ve made a new friend there! I’ve thrown away broken toys, picture frames, paperwork and junk in the last two months than I have in my whole life! I want to live my life more simply and being clutter free is the first step to that happiness.

When I can live with this simplicity I’m better off for it. I do better, react better, and feel freer. It’s taken me 5 relocations with 4 being job transfers, to come to this moment of clarity. I’m grateful for it and my family who have lived through it with me and my many “I may need it one day boxes.”

Family is my cornerstone in life- they guide and teach me as much as I do with them. With each move, new home and the changes of scenery the one thing that’s constant is our loving bond.

A view from the window

Sadie looked wistfully out the window from her comfy chair dreaming of the day she could ride the horses in the field at her neighbours farm.

She knew that the brace she wore to correct her twisted spine from scoliosis would impede her riding ability.

She cursed that wretched brace but was grateful for it as well so that she could walk properly.

Without it she would be sidewinding and shaking up the tumbleweeds like a rattlesnake.

He knew of her love of horses and looking skyward he sent up a prayer that one day she would ride one.