Well here I am the night before New Years Eve working on some goals. I’ve had these for awhile but I wouldn’t call them resolutions. Ever since I started this blog it’s become my online journal. I didn’t intend for that to happen, but here it is in all its glory. I believe the best things happen in life when we’re not paying attention to the outcome. I’m not sure if I read that or just came up with it. Either way, it’s been a blessing for me and the best therapy I’ve ever received. And with the years of therapy, and the book shelves full of self help genre that’s a gift in itself. The first blog I wrote a year ago was titled Comfort Zones. So it seems fitting that I writing this one today. I’ve spent a lot of time writing and I have stacks of binders, journals, and pink rose scented paper of my poetry. In one of my many moves I looked at this stack of papers and thought I wonder if I could start a blog with this. So jsack1 was born with jsackmom at the helm. I have yet to include any of my old school writing created with pen and paper. I do plan to let that see the light of day in the new year. So I had the honour of being featured as a guest blogger with the lovely http://loorducation.com. My heart is filled to the brim with gratitude and appreciation. My first guest blog with the beautiful brain filled with me so much pride, and my thankfulness for that opportunity is felt deeply. Then finding out I was featured with http://FeaturedEMag.com while looking for new blogs to follow and finding my own, was truly a gift indeed! I’ve been blessed to meet some wonderful fellow bloggers on this journey to find myself. As well as receiving accolades of the Liebster blogger award and most recently the Very inspiring blog award. Stay tuned as I’ll be writing up my acceptance blog and nominating some other bloggers. As well as sending a proper thank you to the amazing http://maryswordsandpictures.com for the nomination. She has opened the door to allow me to guest blog there as well. I’m also breaking right out of my comfort zones and submitting my writing to websites. I’ve been a little gun shy of this because of submitting before but receiving no response. Due to the encouragement of my lovely blogger friend and my sweet friend my muse, Ingrid, I’ve decided to branch out. I’m taking my blog to another platform on Bloglovin. I will still be here with my supportive WordPress community where your kindness has allowed me to blossom. I thank you and if you’re at Bloglovin let me know and if you’d like to follow me there here’s a link. Thank you my readers for being sweet, wonderful, you. Happy new year blessings sent from my home to yours. ❤️🎶
Turn
It’s almost the end of the year and time to get our resolutions in place. I’ve already thought mine out and I wrote a little on them. I’m a perfectly flawed human being so I go into 2015 knowing this and accepting this. This admission can either be life changing or never changing and I’m ok with that. My thoughts are tending to drift to how I could turn back time. If I could have another moment to have a heart to heart talk with my Dad about the past, mistakes, blessings, and lessons learned. He had a calm way about him as we would sit and drink honey tea and the conversation would just flow. He changed so many things regarding his will and that wasn’t public knowledge until after he died. I would ask why he felt he had to do that, was it something he felt he needed to do or was it out of guilt? Uncomfortable questions for sure, but that is who I’ve always been. My beloved Mama always said I was never afraid of the big pink elephant in the room. If I could turn back time I would have a conversation with my step sister and would try to help her more when she told me she was lost after my Dad’s death. Could I have saved her from suicide, that’s something I’ll never know? I would’ve wanted to stop her and help manage her pain, and get her the help she needed to grieve and mourn the love she had for my Dad. She was his amazing care giver and looked after his every need. I saw the fear in her eyes as he woke up that mourning bleeding out. I remember how she was there for him making him oatmeal and honey tea when the paramedics arrived. And when his pulse was taken and registered 70/40 I saw the paramedic was visibly shaken to how his patient was still alive!!! I had given my Dad a Boost supplement and he was told he couldn’t have it since he was going to hospital. One thing I’ve learned is you never take away a food source away from a starving, dying, man. And that paramedic learned a tough lesson that day, as he received a tongue lashing from my Dad. I think of the times I had sitting with my Mom when I visited her in the home. I’d lay in her bed and talk about whatever was on my mind. She’d stroke my hair and my worries would melt away. She had an amazing energy and she always had such a calming affect on me. I remember that day I told her I was expecting and my Captain was going to be a big brother. She knew that I struggled with him being an only child and lonely. She grew up like that, and wanted to have a big family so her children wouldn’t know that feeling. So knowing that I was adding onto to my family filled her with joy. I had been struggling with grief over losing my Dad to cancer and my step sister to suicide, so it was something happy to be celebrating. My family was surprised and my Mom had the biggest smile as the happy tears streamed down her lovely face. I would turn back the clock to relive that moment over and over again until it was cemented in my memory. After Christmas she became very sick and I couldn’t save her. Nor could all the medical interventions, her body was old, weak, and tired and I knew psychically she was ready to be with her parents and my Dad. A piece of her died the day she had to say goodbye to them. And she had referred to herself as an orphan and a widow. Even though her and my Dad were separated for a long time, and he moved on to a life with my step Mom. If I could’ve had one more conversation with my beloved Mama to say goodbye and thank her for bringing me into the world. Alas it wasn’t meant to be for the next time I did see her was in the peaceful state of eternal rest. I sang for her and that was my gift of goodbye as we spent many hours sharing songs and memories together. Losing my Mom while pregnant with my precious baby, and not knowing if I would survive it is the bittersweet world I live in today. Could I have changed things and carried my baby full term or to my planned caesarean date? I don’t know and I won’t apologize for loving and grieving for my one and only Mom. If my son was born at 39 weeks as scheduled would he have a neurological disorder today? Once again I don’t know, his developmental paediatrician said their wasn’t anything I could do to change the outcome. I like to think my baby came along right when we needed him the most. So things have turned around for the better with his health and his brothers. And I thank God daily for that blessing. I have survived grief, homesickness, depression, and the under current of anxiety. My life was turned upside down six years ago losing my best friend to a pulmonary embolism. No warning, just the shock of his sudden loss as the ground opened up and swallowed me whole. He was my husband and I’s “brother from another Mother.” And from the first time they met their was a spiritual connection between them that only kindred souls would feel. He was there when I married my love and was happy and in the best health and shape, he had ever been in since high school. After we had settled into our married life in a new city Marco came to visit. He was the first one I told I was going to have my first baby. And how he hugged me tight and was so excited when my husband and I became parents. Every time he came to visit we’d talk and laugh till all hours. And we’d go and see his son play hockey. Before he died he was coming to visit and I was stuck on that thought for a long time as shock set in. I would turn back time and tell Marco that he was the best friend that we could ever ask for. And how much he loved my son and his own was inspirational. I would thank him for coming into our lives and filling it with so much love and meaning. And how there’s a large void in our family, and his own missing him. After Marco died there was an old friend and caterer of our wedding, my sweet Uncle, my Dad, my step sister, my Mom, followed by both of husbands Grandma, Nanny, and great Uncle. So much loss in these nine years. I look at my wedding pictures and see their smiling faces. I feel sadness and also so much love and pride. I’m filled with the words I would say to them, if I had the chance. I would thank Grant for his friendship and for putting on an amazing feast to celebrate my wedding. I would thank my Uncle Reuben for his love and for coming to my wedding and celebrating with my Dad and their other brother. To see them smiling and laughing in the pictures fills my heart with such gratitude. To my Dad I would thank him for giving me life, and for making me a strong woman. And for living his life the way he wanted with no apologies, and teaching me to honour myself to do the same. To my step sister Angela I would thank her for all those times she babysit me and my sister and her own sister. How grateful I am that she saved us from a forest fire that was raging out of control in our neighbourhood. And lastly thanking her for loving and accepting me as her sister, when I had difficulties doing so at first. I would thank my beloved Mama for being her sweet self , for instilling kindness, love, and care into my actions, teaching me to sing, read, write and love the spoken and written word. And most of all for bringing me into the world to start my own journey. I would thank Grandma J for loving my husband and for having his Mom to bring him into the world, for me to fall in love with and start a wonderful life with. I would thank Nanny for her beautiful British wit, kindness, and for accepting me into her life and heart. I would thank Great Uncle H for his kind manner, compassion, and for making me feel that I was the most important and intelligent person when we would have our special talks. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house while him and Great aunty danced around the room on my wedding day. So how much my life has turned and changed to make me who I am today is the true blessing. And here I sit to write this love letter to those beautiful souls who touched my life more than they know. It’s through the twists and turns of life the real journey begins.
Consumed
I have been consumed as of late by every little thought, action that I make. I have struggled to get my sons the help they need from Doctors, professionals, the school, and now support services. I had to move out of the province to find the support they needed. And now it’s finally coming to be, as I met with my Dr and begged him to help my sons with their anxiety and neurological disorders one diagnosed, and one pending. It’s been a long haul for my family as I’ve been consumed with keeping the peace in my home and beyond. My Dr came through since I’ve received minimal help from my former province. So he’s wrote a referral for my kids to see a developmental paediatrician, and we will start the process in January. I’ve also qualified and have had respite care so Mama can get a break too. And starting next week my husband and will able to have a scheduled date night as well. I haven’t felt like the best wife for some time now, because it’s so hard when I’m consumed with keeping everyone calm. And when we’re not then it just feels like hell on earth. The screaming, crying, whining, sensory overloaded meltdowns drain me of my life force. I feel old, tired, and completely spent with nothing left to give. I’ve felt consumed over my children and have left my husband on the proverbial back burner. I’ve felt torn over my love for him and how much I love and need to be there for our kids. He’s always there loving, helping, and cheering me on as I fight battle after battle. And yet I’m too exhausted to really appreciate it. It’s not fair for either of us but it’s our lives and we make the good and not so good times work. It’s all about balance and not letting each of us get too consumed. Him with his work, me with our kids health, my oldest with his anxiety, and our youngest with his fears. This Christmas I was prepared I had the sensory tools, all the calming regulating techniques with music, fidgets, and the electronic devices charged and ready. And my kids did great, they slept in Christmas morning due to all the excitement the night before. My husband’s family celebrates with Danish tradition and that’s complete with a turkey dinner with all the trimmings, and then presents after. So it was a treat to sip my tea and Bailey’s and read while enjoying the Christmas tree and softly falling snow outside. This was my first moment of peace and contentment and I was happy to share it with my love. I wasn’t consumed about anything no presents to wrap, no breakfast to make, no occupational therapy schedule to plan, just pure happiness. After our kids woke up we enjoyed their excitement as they dived into their Santa gifts and I enjoyed his goodies in my stocking too. We had a lovely breakfast prepared by my Father in-law and after cleanup I played outside in the snow with my sons. We had so much fun making snow angels, running, rolling, and jumping off the deck into beautiful fresh powder.
It was truly what my mind, body, and spirit needed. I looked at the mountains consumed with their beauty and marvelled at how lucky I was to grow up with this in my backyard. Now I can share in this luxury with my children as we have to drive now to see the mountains up close. There are moments in time that truly takes my breath away, and this was one. I wanted to stop and freeze time and become consumed with this love. My tummy was full, my heart was filled, and my spirit was rejoicing in the magic of Christmas. Blessings to you all as you enjoy the very best of this beautiful season.
This has been my submission the lovely http://lindaghill.com. Please check out her post and all the other talent that links up. Happy new year my dear readers. 😘❤️
Writers Quotes Wednesday
This has been my submission to http://silverthreading.com. Please check out her amazing contribution and all the other talent that link up. Merry Christmas blessings to you all. 💗
One liner Wednesday
I’ve been feeling like a super Mom getting all the things done in record time for today. Especially when my home has now at a screeching halt due to fighting germ warfare. I had a conversation with my son that flows like this.
Captain-“Mom I think you’re like Superman.”
Me-“Oh why do you say that?”
Captain-“Because toys all over the place is your kryptonite.”
The force of understanding is strong in this one.
This has been my submission to One Liner Wednesday from http://lindaghill.com. Check out her musings and all the other talent that link up. Merry Christmas dear readers, may the blessings of the season fill you joy. ❤️
I’m a perfectly flawed human being
Image found on http://www.sharingwithshari.com and used with permission.
You know when there are some days you just feel like you have to fake a smile to try not to cry? Well yes I’ve been doing both, if you’ve been following along on my journey, I’ve had cancer enter my family and rip another loved one away. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression that envelops me in it’s dark cloak of doom and gloom. As menacing and frightful as it can be, it’s also comfortable like an old pair of slippers. My bunny slippers I wrote about a year ago when I started this blog. Well I know what to expect from those bunny slippers, as much as depression. Anxiety is like that Aunty I know I have and just decides to come and visit uninvited. Until I get fed up and kick the bitch out. Well that brings me to my current state I’m sick, looking after my sick kids, struggling to keep my house up to par, running my Facebook page, and doing my actual job as a transcriptionist. My Christmas cards are now officially happy January cards, because I haven’t felt healthy enough or alert to get them to my mailbox. I’m exhausted, sleep deprived, and feeling very Grinchy as of late. My friend sent me a lovely message about not trying to be a super hero when I’m sick. Let the house go to hell, get the rest I need, look after myself as well as I look after the kids. After reading it I understood something about myself, I’ve always wanted to be a super hero, my own or someone else’s. Do I even know how not to be, what will become of me if I’m not. I’ve got to give myself days off when my Super Mom Cape is in the wash. I need to learn how to slow down and not beat myself up for all the things I didn’t accomplish this year. I spent yesterday napping with my sick son who was sweating buckets with a his body in an inferno fire. Tylenol wasn’t working anymore so I switched to essential oils and that helped. I wiped his little body with a cool washcloth and prayed I wouldn’t have to drive him to the hospital. It hurt for me to move but I did it anyways because I still had to feed us when we woke up. I managed to find my super Mom powers and tidy up the kitchen and living room since the mess was contained to the upper floor. I kept the kids out of the basement to avoid having to drag myself down the stairs to deal with that terror. I didn’t want to do anything but stay wrapped up in the blankets while nursing my son back to health. My Captain helped clean up with me which I greatly appreciated, and our conversation flowed such as this.
Captain- “Mom I think you’re like Superman.”
Mom-“Oh why do you say that?”
Captain-“Because toys all over place are your kryptonite.”
He’s a very wise boy, and understands me well. So right now I’m simultaneously blogging, writing my annual Christmas letter, and then wrapping presents. All while locked in my bedroom so I get stuff done. Napping boys lead to late night boys and that’s where I fall behind the proverbial eight ball. I’ve beat myself up daily for not having my Christmas cards delivered in a timely manner. And I’ve been known to walk past the box and utter bite me January cards.
Because that’s all I’ve done for the month is run, rush, and now everything’s come to a screeching halt. My kids are feeling better today but I still feel like death on a Ritz cracker. My Christmas wishes are I need a break, alone time with my husband, and yet that’s not possible, because we’re going to an overcrowded, sensory overloaded Christmas with family. And I’m trying not to become a raging alcoholic over the holidays to cope. So there it is my guts exposed and left lying on the floor. Everything I’ve wanted to say and haven’t had the courage. Afraid of what would happen if I wasn’t the nice one in this game of life. It’s all overrated anyways, in my humble opinion I’m always kind until I’m not treated the same. Even if I follow the rules of life I still have to hurry up and wait, while others sail ahead on the express lane to fulfilling their desires. The truth sets you free and we can’t live with an emotional fortress wrapped around our hearts forever. So I go into Christmas praying for the best, and preparing for the worst. Because it’s who I am, and what I do with no apologies, because it works in my world. And I will sail into the new year with my head held high, wine glass in hand, and celebrate being a perfectly flawed human being. Cheers to you my dear readers, for celebrating on this journey with me. I hold you in the corner of my heart. ❤️
*Photo image used with permission from the sensational http://www.sharingwithshari.com. Who’s kindness, wisdom, and internal sunshine inspired this blog.*
Father
Over the last year I’ve wrote about my Dad a lot on Father’s Day his birthday and anytime I was thinking of him. He’s the first thing I think of when I read the word Father. Today I think about my husband the father he’s become to our children. We had been together a long time before marriage and kids and animals gravitated to him. I was the same way, I always had a bunch of kids to babysit and animals to look after before I had that I’m my own life. My husband and I were together for 15 years before marriage and I’ve known him even longer as he went to school with my middle sister. Oh you may think why on earth did I stick around for so long?! I wondered that myself over those years. I had well meaning friends and family even my own Dad, to move on if it wasn’t meant to be. What they didn’t understand was that I knew it was meant to be. I knew he was destiny, I knew that he would be my forever love. As soon as I met him when I was 12 years old, and felt my heart skip a beat, and butterflies in my tummy. Not to say it wasn’t difficult in the beginning stages of our relationship. As my friends and family thought he was too old for me, and his friends thought I was too young. We struggled and persevered and moved out of town and into a house together. That first year was the hardest, and there was plenty of times I wanted to throw in the proverbial towel and run. But I stayed and learned a lot about myself in the process. We had a strong bond and a deep love for one another but feared commitment. I struggled with my childhood abandonment issues as the little 4 year old girl in me was afraid of be left again. My past childhood trauma of all the cursing, crying, and cutting when my Dad ran out of my life. I still remember it like it was yesterday as my Mom’s face changed and the look in her eyes was deadly as she chased him out the door. He had made many mistakes and I was witnessing a woman on the edge who could take no more. And my husband had his own memories of his childhood witnessing fighting, crying, and booze soaked nights of his Father absenteeism whole spent at the bar. The Mom home looking after her son’s never knowing what would transpire when he got home. So my husband and I found each other and our broken inner children fell in love as well. We had learned to patch up those broken pieces of our hearts and psyche with our addictions to booze, partying, and fair weather friendships.
And year after year I wondered when this fantasy in my mind of being his wife and Mother to his children would transpire. As empaths my beloved Mama and Gram knew of this vision, this vibration for that I couldn’t explain it just would be. So time marched on and I knew there was a change in the air. My husband got a promotion at work and he felt more stable financially. His first response when we went out to celebrate was “I guess it’s time to buy a house.” And our best friends chimed in and said “yes, and get married.” I was very happy for him and for us but I knew that wasn’t a step he was ready for. It had seemed throughout our relationship it was my hoping, wishing, and praying that we would walk that aisle to matrimony. I just knew it would come to fruition, but the endless question was when?! The first time he proposed I didn’t even think that beautiful ring in the white velvet box was for me. I thought he bought something for his Mom, that’s how far away from the idea of marriage I had been!!! And we did have a fabulous wedding as our family and friends marvelled at the 15 years together as a couple, looked like a new found love and respect for one another as we became husband and wife. I wrote him a song and recorded a demo that played as we held each the tight, basking in the glow of our love. Shortly after our marriage came a job transfer to a new city and a house buying adventure. And after our first new year celebrated as a married couple I was pregnant. In that 6 months we did more learning, growing, and life changes than we did in the 14 years prior!
So the excitement of moving into our first home and my growing belly, while we both worked to secure our dream. Then that magical day when our first son entered the world on a cold snowy winter day everything that was meant to be was. I watched my husband hold our precious bundle of joy and bathe him for the first time in the hospital. I didn’t think I could handle the joy that squeezed my heart as I watched their bond forming. As the tears leaked out of my eyes I knew this was what happiness was all about. Then a dark tunnel of post partum depression and the death of my Dad followed to cloud that silver lining. Yet my husband’s love and support got me through this dark night of my soul. And I became stronger and resilient. And after a long grieving period I found myself pregnant again. I remember telling my Mom of our joyful news and how she hugged me tight and we cried, with the sheer beauty of the moment. This was to be our miracle baby, as I struggled to keep him till he was ready to enter the world. In that time my beloved Mama was struggling with ill health. Her poor body couldn’t take it and she died when I was 8 months along. My heart broke into a thousand pieces as I had to say goodbye to the reason I was in the world today. I remember singing at her funeral her favorite hymn, where my voice reached the rafters of the church in musical notes I had never reached before. I knew she was with me, and would continue to be throughout the last month of my pregnancy. My second son made his arrival a month early but a healthy 6 lbs, 2 oz. He had to stay in the NICU as he was severely jaundiced and sleepy and he was losing ounces. I watched as my Captain met him in the hospital and he looked a gamut of tumultuous emotions as he saw his brother hooked up to wires and machines. Fear, happiness, and love were visible in his precious face. He sang Tom T. Hall’s I love and there wasn’t a dry eye in that NICU. Then that blessed day came when we could take our precious baby home. We met our Captain at preschool and the joy and relief he had on his face of us being reunited as a family is something I will always cherish. And my sons love their sweet Daddy, like the flowers love the sunshine. Now those days have turned to weeks, months, and years as we find ourselves spending Christmas with our loved ones. Instead of being so far away like the previous moves we’ve ventured on. I’m looking forward to ringing in the new year in our new home with my loving family. To my husband, my forever love, my soft place to fall, the Father of our children thank you for amazing you. Happily ever after really does exist, when it’s touched by the glow of love. ❤️
This has been my Sunday confession hosted by the sweet http://www.sparklypoeticweirdo.com. Check out her confession and all the other talented bloggers that link up. Smooches and Merry Christmas to you all. 😃❤️🎄🎅🌟
Excuses
I’ve been filling my life with excuses and now it’s starting to catch up with me. I’ve said I didn’t get all my laundry folded and put away because I was the toy police and making my little ones clean up their rooms. As I watched my hubby spread the laundry from the washer, dryer, to the floor. And those 2 loads quickly became 6. 😳 My laundry and I have a prison relationship, I’m either it’s bitch or she’s mine. I’ve made excuses about why I stay up late because of my sons sleep apnea, a house to tidy, or that never ending laundry basket to conquer. Truthfully I love that still quiet time in the darkness, that’s just for me alone. I listen to everyone sleeping, snoring, and breathing. As in always on alert for when I’m needed. You’ve never known helplessness until you hold your child in your arms and shake them awake, to get them breathing. I’ve made excuses about my sons sensory condition so I don’t have to be overwhelmed with meeting people with neurotypical lives. I know that sounds harsh, but for most part it’s true. A lot of Moms at those playgroups don’t have to worry about their child bashing and crashing into other kids when they’re seeking sensory input. And here I love to write, share, and interact, with you all and I’ve been asked if I’ve any of my blogs published. The answer is no they haven’t, other than a guest blog I was honoured to write for the lovely Brain. So why wouldn’t I want to see myself published on a social media? I’ve made the excuse I don’t know how to go about making it happen, or my writing’s not that good. All excuses because of my fear of rejection, truth is I’ve submitted to well know publishing giants and a Mommy blog with a huge following. And I’ve received no reply, nothing, nada, zilch not even thank you but no thank you email. I’ve made excuses with my heart too, like my 6 year long grieving period. I’ve learned that grief comes in waves, so over time I’m learning how to surf them. But what happens if I heal from my grief, who does that make me, and what do I become without that crushing loss in my life affecting me? My husband has even made excuses for me like I don’t like to get lost so I don’t go far. So he’ll drive so I don’t have to panic if I make the wrong turn. What can I say anxiety a bitch, and fear is an evil dictator. It’s gotten better since SIRI came into my life. I’ve done more road trips since her introduction in the last 4 months than I have in 4 years!!! I’ve gotten tired of my excuses of putting myself last because I wanted to be a better wife and Mom. My marriage has suffered because I’ve made the excuse I’ve needing to be there for our children than putting my husband first once in a while. When you have kids with neurological conditions excuses can become your life. When life becomes too difficult at home, you manage, survive on whiffs of consciousness and capabilities. It’s easier to make excuses about not leaving the house, or my youngest son not making friends because I’m wrapped up in the fear of what could happen. Or every time we have to move with my husbands career, I have to make the excuse that even though I’ve enjoyed my time I’m excited for a new adventure. Lies, lies, lies, as I say the words but they don’t register in my brain. My heart’s racing and my mind’s reeling with the anxiety of having to start over again. Will these excuses ever get old, will I get sick of them and just start living without using them as a crutch? Well everyday in every way I’m getting better, and I won’t make an excuse about that anymore. So I’ll just keep on fighting my fears and doing it anyways.
This has been my submission to http://lindaghill.com Saturday Stream of Consciousness. While Linda’s traveling her lovely friend has used the prompt excuse. Check out all the talent that’s linked up. Thank you for stopping by. 😘
Writers Quotes Wednesdays
This has been my submission to http://silverthreading.com. Please check out her creativity and all the other talent that link up. Thank you. 😃
One liner Wednesday
Death and grief are such fickle bitches that walk into your life and rip your heart out. They don’t care if your ill prepared or it’s the Christmas season. It doesn’t have any remorse when you just surfed a wave of grief and here comes a tidal wave of emotions. While my heart lies broken, bleeding, and gushing on the floor… 💔
This has been my submission to the lovely http://lindaghill.com. It’s not funny, inspirational, but it’s geuninely my honest feelings. Please check out her amazing talent and all the other awesome bloggers who link up.
Jsack's Mom's Blog 