This has been my submission to Silver threading for Writer’s Quotes Wednesday. Please stop by and be inspired by all the lovely talent who link up. Thank you. ❤️
Writer’s Quotes Wednesday
My heart and my world have been filled with sadness. I sit here in my grief feeling thankful for my memories I shared with my beloved friend. Today I’m thankful that God gave her to me for albeit a short time. She was my gift and I was blessed to be in her golden chain of friendships. 💖
This has been my submission to Silverthreading please have a look at her quote and all the other talent that linkup, thank you. ❤️
Ten Things of Thankful
Here I am today participating in Lizzi’s Ten Things of Thankful linkup. I started last week and I’m looking forward to sharing with you how very thankful I am to have this place to share.
1. I’m thankful that I was able to attend my beloved friend’s funeral this week. It was a very quick trip there and back, in four hours. It seemed almost like a dream I was there. Knowing I could say goodbye and God bless to her and her loved ones made my heart happy.
2. I’m thankful that husband was able to take the day off, pay for my flight, and drive me to the airport. He rearranged his schedule to suit my needs and there’s not enough adjectives to describe how much I love and appreciate him for who he is.
3. I’m so thankful that my lovely friend was able to pick me up at the airport when I arrived. Seeing her and her son’s smiling faces when they greeted me was such an incredible feeling. Going to our favourite place Starbucks like we used to do and catching up on list time was so wonderful and appreciated.
4. I’m very thankful I was able to share my acknowledgement and gratitude for my beloved friend at her service. Seeing all those faces looking at me as I shared my love and appreciation for how much I loved her and her family was very healing for me. My heart was as full as the overflowing, standing room only church congregation before me.
5. I’m thankful for the beautiful words of comfort that Paster Daniel coveyed in his service. Listening to his eulogy and seeing how my beloved friend touched so many hearts in the community was a blessing. She was loved by many and will be mourned and celebrated by many.
5. I’m thankful that I was able to see friends and family and pass along my condolences to them. The hugs and hellos were so appreciated from everyone and helped me to smile on such a sad day.
6. I’m thankful for my lovely friends giving heart, amazing friendship, and being able to see her and her children again. Having lunch with my other sweet friend catching up on our life events and hilarious antics of our son’s was so appreciated as well.
7. I’m thankful for my wonderful cousin driving me back to the airport. Our conversation, companionship, and laughter was so needed and appreciated. Knowing I have family to reach out to after I move away is a gift.
8. I’m so thankful I was able to catch my plane with five minutes to spare before boarding! As we encountered construction and traffic on our way there. Sitting on my flight looking out the window as I flew over the farm lands and Rocky Mountains made me feel grateful for this beautiful view of my country.
9. I’m so thankful that I have this wonderful forum and group to share my gratitude in. Lizzi’s Ten Things of Thankful came into my life at a divine time I needed it and could appreciate it the most.
10. I’m so thankful that my family was there to meet me at the airport as I reached my destination. Seeing their smiles, feeling their love and hugs is so healing to my heart. Sharing my pain and vulnerabilities with them lets me know how very blessed I am.
This has been my submission to Lizzi’s Ten Things of Thankful Thank you for being here today for me to share my thankfulness. Knowing I’m not alone as I grieve, and sail my boat on these choppy unchartered waters helps with healing my broken heart. ❤️
#1000 speak- My heart Connection to the ones I love
My story I have to tell is a treasured one, it’s one I think about when I steal away for some quite hours to myself. I’ve moved a lot in my life between parents, Grandparents, and siblings. I have always been searching for that connection I had when I was young when I’d sit around the table drinking cast iron tea (steeped so much it poured out black into my porcelain cup). I would nibble on my Irish scones and laugh with my elders. They would call me a “little tea Granny” and I would feel this amazing heart connection.
As I mentioned earlier I had a wandering spirit and then I met and fell in love with another. We have formed this beautiful union made complete with our children. We have moved due to my husband’s job transfers four times in the last 20 years. Three times as a newly married couple and twice as family. We have now lived in our new home for almost a year. Every town that I live at I strive to make a heart connection. I’ve been blessed to work a lot and able to make friends easily, before marriage. After marriage and children I found the opportunities were plentiful, and my life had become all about parks, play dates, and picnics.
I have met a lot of people and established friendships in every town I’ve lived in. It hasn’t been easy moving so much and making those connections. But I’ve persevered and done my best to socialize with other parents through my son’s schools or sport teams. When I moved from my hometown where I was born and raised, I lived in a town the same size. I worked a lot and my love and I were new to living together. We were in that town for thirteen years and will always feel like home to me. There I was established a heart connection and the best of friends I could ever ask for!
We got engaged there and spent our first few months as a married couple there. When we moved to the city we had been married, bought our first house, and were expecting our first child. It was a whirlwind of moving in, unpacking and seeing all the things I owned after three months. I met friends through my husband’s work and my own. Then I took my maternity leave and along came my precious baby. I attended a baby talk group for parents and met a wonderful group of Mom’s. We all remain friends to this day, and have seen our children grow up together. Over the years the circle grew and spread out as a few of us have moved away. There’s still the four of us that remain heart connected and keep each other in the know of our lives.
We were blessed to live there for six years and with them I found my sisterhood. I then moved on to a smaller town that charmed me with it’s beautiful mountain air, lakes, and forests and reminded me of my hometown. I met the most wonderful neighbour who filled our heart and home with her generosity, kindness, and love. Who took to my children like Grandma would to Grandchildren. She adored them and they loved and cherished her in return. In this town I met some wonderful parents, attended play group with my youngest, and school with my oldest. I went to the same place almost daily where I felt was a safe little cocoon in my life.
While I struggled to sell a home, find a home, and survive hotel living for half a year! I have always loved the theatre so I attended a play with my son and I in costume and connected with each performance from this talented cast. We joined up for their next production and in that time the heart connection was made with my new theatre family. I was blessed with and given a Mom who I fell in love with her giving heart, adorable children, and her strong faith in God and humanity that echoed my own. I found a Mom with incredible visual and artistic talent and a devotion to make a better life for her son then she had for herself.
It was there in that play group I found the yin to my yang with a Mom who’s children were her life line and they were hers. This woman gave so freely from her heart, loved with her whole being, touched lives and hearts with her beautiful smile and friendly manner. It is because of her that I made it through a very long four month stint of solo parenting when my husband got transferred.
She sat with me and laughed and cried over wine, memories of our beloved Mom’s, and the dreams for our children. She looked after my children so I could attend theatre practices, loving them like her own. I was given the gift of friendship with her brilliant mind, heart, and love. Our hearts connected and I’ve never been the same since. And it fills me with great sadness that I have to attend her funeral tomorrow instead of hugging her hello. She flies with the angels now, talks with them, and looks down upon her loved ones with a joy and pride. Fly gently onto thee rest my sweet angel friend. Heaven was made a greater place with your entrance. Until I see you again, I offer this simple prayer.
Ten things of thankful TTOT Link Up
I’m participating in something new today. In Lizzi’s TTOT blog linkup that is celebrating one hundred successful weeks. This truly is amazing as I’ve never known any linkup to last that long. So seeing how I really need to be reminded of things I’m thankful for I had to be part of this momentous occasion.
1. I’m thankful even as I’m stumbling through my grief I can still have my memories to connect with. Some days they are what gets me through my pain to my power that lies within.
2. I’m thankful that I have my children who love me, appreciate me, and will cuddle with me when my heart is hurting.
3. I’m so thankful that my husband will drop everything when I tell him I need him. He is my hero and demonstrates his love in action daily for our family and I.
4. I’m thankful that I saved every message from the last six months so that I can read my friends words who flies with the angels. It’s helping me feel closer to her and my memories of her friendship.
5. I’m thankful I had an wonderful birthday and received such an outpouring of love through messages, phone calls, gifts, cards, and hugs and kisses from amazing people in my life. That I feel so truly grateful for today.
6. I’m thankful for sticking with my back to back fitness challenges even when I felt like giving in. And that I have the hard work to show for it.
7. I’m thankful for my coach Ryan who’s been there to support me every step of the way. He’s become that drive and ambition that was missing in my life. His encouragement and faith in me has helped me begin to live a healthy lifestyle and rid myself of chronic pain.
8. I’m so thankful at the end of a long day that I have my husband by my side. He’s my love and my soft place to fall when the world is just too scary to take on. He loves me with all he has to give and I’m so grateful that he is in my life.
9. I’m so thankful for all my incredible online friendships that I’ve made since I started my venture in blogging. Other gifted writers, page admins, and wonderful people who like to come hang out at my Facebook page. It makes my day to see my notifications lit up with their interactions.
10. I’m so thankful I have a husband who works so hard to provide for our family. With a roof over our heads, our pantry and fridge stocked up with food, and utilities to keep our home running efficiently.
This is bonus one, I’m thankful for Lizzi for coming up with the brilliant concept of Ten Things of Thankful list, and for having me be part of it today. ❤️
https://summat2thinkon.wordpress.com/ten-things-of-thankful/
I’m not ready to say goodbye
When I got the news today my knees hit the floor and I cried with a vengeance. No I screamed in my head you weren’t supposed to die! Someone so loving, giving, caring with the biggest, most beautiful heart wasn’t supposed to leave this earth. Now that you’re gone, I’ve held my children tighter. Knowing that you won’t be physically there to hold yours tears me apart. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I just sent you a message last week telling you how I loved and missed you.
You drove that stretch of road so many times, for so many different reasons. Why should today be any different? Why would this trip from point A to point B be your last? Life just isn’t fair sometimes, people are born and people will die everyday. But not you, or never should’ve been you. Thinking of you alone and tumbling through the air as your vehicle left the road fills me such heartache I can scarcely breathe. Even now the tears fall silently down my face thinking of my memories of you.
If I could write a book I would fill it with my thoughts of you. The way your eyes danced when you were mischievous, the way your laughter bubbled out of you with abundant joy. The way you made me feel when you hugged me so tight. How you’d say “Mama we can get through anything, because we’re survivors, it’s what we do!” And I know it’s your words ringing true in my head and heart today.
I would fill each chapter with your wisdoms, all the times I quoted you for your brilliance. And how when you get so excited and start talking a mile a minute, I would from and I’d say “breathe love, you’re not going anywhere.” I was wrong you always were going somewhere as you filled up your life and love with people who adored you as much as I did. You never said no, or turned anyone away. You’d drive across the province to lend a helping hand, make your kids happy, make life easier for someone else it was your way. Anyone who experienced your love was changed forever.
Even now I read all the kind and wonderful words people have left behind. They too are mourning your loss. They won’t see your beautiful smile when they walk through the doors of your work. Greeting them with warm hellos and how are you today? Your bosses were blessed to have you as long as they did, and I was so happy that they told you so. You mattered to many, and not only your family mourns you but a whole community does.
To touch so many lives and hearts for your short time on earth was a gift. You filled my life with sunshine and love. And my children adored you as I do yours. What will happen to them now that they’re gone? They will never have to question your love for them. They felt that in everything you did. From the sweet little nicknames you gave them, to teaching them independence, to your beautiful smile and Mama bear hugs. I pray that they will all stay together to heal in their grief. You etched an imprint on their hearts that will never fade or be replaced by another. You were their North Star guiding them to safe harbour. You were their quiet place when the world was noisy and annoying.
You were their safety net when others let them down. Who do they follow now that the light has burnt out in your eyes? My answer is no one, you were their light, love, soft heart, their Mother; there will never be another. You were the yin to my yang, and talked me off the ledge plenty of times in that gentle way you had. I still remember the first time we met. How you smiled that mega watt grin and said hello and extended your hand to me. I was new to town and knew no one. You looked at my son in my arms and stroked his cheek and I felt safe with you. You patted his head and said “so blonde, and so beautiful just like his Mama.” And in that instance I fell in love with your kind spirit.
As our friendship grew stronger my love and admiration for you did too. That moment that you called me by my childhood nickname I was taken aback. I told you I hadn’t heard it since my Mom died how did you know? You said “it just fit, it was perfect it was who you are.” And then I gave you a nickname and I never called you anything but. We bonded over so many things, but the loss of our Mothers affected our whole beings. You knew of that pain of wanting the one and only women we had ever loved and trusted, more than anyone in the world to hold us. You had been a few years into your grief, and I was year into mine.
You saw the pain in my eyes that I tried to hide from others, but you recognized it instantly as you had your own. I was coming back to town soon and I knew I was going to see you. I was going to pop into your work and surprise you. I knew I could do that because you were never a slave to social media, and how you gently teased me about “my need for my social newsfeed.” I picture the look on your face as you looked up to see who was coming in the door, and how you’d run out and give me the tightest hug. Now I will come back and see you one last time, as my heart is stacked with pain and remorse. I don’t want to say goodbye to you. I’m not ready, prepared, or able to do so. Today when you left the world a small fragment of me went with you. To a place I pray is your happy place.
We talked about heaven and what you thought was waiting for you there. How you hoped it would have beautiful mountains, lakes and trees that you so dearly loved in your town. I was so sad when I had to leave you behind when I moved away. I wouldn’t have got through those four months of solo parenting while my husband worked away, without you. When I asked your help you told me “I love you and I love your son’s I will help you, we will make this work.” And how my kids loved when you and the girls would come over. The dance parties, games, the singing, and cupcakes. I always seemed to have a never ending supply of happiness when you were around. And after the kids went to bed the copious amounts wine we would drink and the laughs we would have.
I don’t want to say goodbye to you it’s just too hard to even mouth those words. I’m devastated like your family is, they had you longer so I don’t even feel a right to my feelings. How do they go on without you? When can they speak your name without dissolving into tears like I do? Thinking of not seeing that mischievous grin or hearing infectious laughter makes me want to scream it’s just not right, or fair! Somehow life will go on, people will go to work, kids will go to school, the earth will keep spinning on its axis. Even though I feel it’s all off kilter and imbalanced waiting for you to come back.
I feel you nearby watching and waiting not able to take your journey to the other side. You remain fixed until you know everyone is ok. This is how you were in life, and I wouldn’t expect anything less from you in death. I’m just not going to get over losing you. There will be a space in my heart that is the shape of you. You were such an amazing friend, sister of my heart, Mother, daughter sister, Aunty, and cousin. There will never be a day where I speak your name and the memories of wonderful you will come flooding back. I hold those close to my heart for that’s all I have left now. Until we meet again my sweet friend, I will keep you and your family in my heart and prayers always. ❤️
Writer’s Quotes Wednesday’s
Today I share this quote in lyrics, in honour of my beloved Mama. It’s from one of my favourite songs. Fly to the Angels, by the band Slaughter. Thank you to my Mom, my angel who flies, for bringing me into the world today. 💖
This has been my submission to Writer’s quotes Wednesday’s with the lovely Silver Threading. Please check out hers and all the other talent who link up. Thank you. 💕
One Liner Wednesday
My son is four going on fourteen. I swear I’m dealing with a prepubescent teenager most days. Tonight I asked him to get pj’s on, pick up his toys, and brush his teeth. He still continued playing and ignoring me. I repeated it once again and his reply was “Mom don’t talk my ear off all day!” I sat there and laughed and then he joined in telling me how funny he is. 😃
This has been my submission to One liner Wednesday with Linda G Hill Please check out her one liner and all the other talent who link up. Thank you. 💕
Taking back me challenge continues on
*Image found on Facebook , and not my own.*
What was your week like with meeting your fitness goals?
Jsack Mom:
I had a great week I worked out everyday and completed my four week fitness challenge. My clean eating was on target and my stress levels were managed.
Tracy on the Rocks:
This past week was tough. I had an event out of town so it was hard to control what I ate as well as I could have if I had been at home. I did my best to make healthy choice though, and I brought workout clothes so I could hit the gym at the hotel!
How many times did you work out during the week?
Jsack Mom: I worked out everyday this week for 30-45 minutes a day. I’ve been taking more time to stretch since I saw a massage therapist last week. She said my back was a mess of knots. After a year of going without a massage or chiropractor treatment it didn’t surprise me.
Tracy on the rocks:
I squeezed in 3 workouts last week.
How was your eating plan, did you stick to it or cheat a little?
Jsack Mom:
I ate well for the first four weeks of my first fitness challenge. Now I’ve been eating a very strict menu plan. I’ve allowed myself to have a handful of nuts at the end of the day. I find its just what I need for the tummy growlies, and helps me sleep better.
Tracy on the rocks:
I actually got a stomach bug at the beginning of the week, and then at the end of the week I was out of town and “cheated” as well as drank wine! So hopefully not being able to eat much at the beginning of the week balanced things out!
Do you allow yourself to have a cheat day?
Jsack Mom:
I was on a new fitness challenge so the food menu was quite regimented for results. I had an extra snack later at night because I was starving and I couldn’t sleep.
Tracy on the rocks:
I had a book signing Thursday with some of the other contributors to an anthology I am in, so yes, I cheated. Mostly with wine. And some sweet potato fries at lunch! Eekk
How are you feeling, sleeping better, eating clean, stress relief wise?
Jsack Mom:
This was a detox fitness challenge so it was tough on me physically, emotionally, and mentally. I felt good the first couple of days then mid week I developed a cold with headaches. That made for difficult sleeping habits,and not getting enough rest made me stressed out. The workouts and drinking tons of water, (at least 2 litres a day) helped a lot.
Tracy on the rocks:
I am entering my 3rd week and I am sleeping better, waking up a little easier and overall have more energy! When I work out, it makes me WANT to keep eating healthy!
Have you noticed any results since you began your fitness challenge?
Jsack Mom:
I have never owned a scale not since I was at my heaviest. But I take measurements and I lost 2 inches around my hips, waist, and I lost a pant size! This is after one month and recovering from my back injury!
Tracy on the Rocks:
I’ve lost a total of 7 lbs so far!
What do you hope to gain from your fitness challenge?
Jsack Mom:
I hope to gain more strength, endurance, and the knowledge to eat a clean, and healthy diet. I’m changing my mindset so this is not a “diet” for me this is a new lifestyle change.
Tracy on the rocks:
I hope NOT to gain- I hope to lose…weight! Haha But, I hope to gain healthy habits too! Joking! 😉
*Image found on Facebook, and borrowed from my coach Ryan Luhning.*
What’s the one thing that’s keeping you motivated throughout this time?
Jsack Mom:
Knowing that I’ve had Tracy to team up with has helped me a lot for support and accountability. My Beach Body coach Ryan Luhning with http://www.yycgamechangers inspires and motivates me everyday with his positive charged up attitude, expertise, guidance, and never ending energy!!! Him and his wife Carolyn are an incredible team who’s passion for fitness inspires my own again. And after a long time of putting myself last it feels incredible again to have that support. 😃
Tracy on the rocks:
Fitting into my skinny jeans!!
What’s been your favourite meal that helps fill you up and still have you eating healthy?
Jsack Mom:
I’ve recently been eating brown rice again mixed with steamed veggies and skinless chicken. I forgot how much I loved brown rice. I stopped eating it because of the convenience factor. But I made a big batch of it and had some for lunch and dinner.
Tracy on the rocks:
This is more of a condiment- I put hot sauce on everything! And that helps make bland food like chicken and vegetables have some zip without the sugars of other sauces.
Do you have a favourite snack?
Jsack Mom:
For my go to snack I’ve fallen in love with Greek yogurt mixed with oatmeal and fruit. The creamy texture and sweetness of the berries fills me up and satisfies my sweet tooth. I will include the recipe at the end of the interview.
Tracy on the rocks:
I have been trying to cut back on snacks, but my mom had dried out a huge bag of sliced apples and I asked her to send me some more because they are good when I need something sweet, but still healthy!
Did you clean out your cupboards to avoid temptations?
Jsack Mom:
No I didn’t, there really wasn’t a point because not everyone was eating the same meal plan as me. There’s trigger foods in my house all the time I just avoid them, or eat them in moderation.
Tracy on the rocks:
No, because my roommate and I live like bachelors and we never have any food to begin with hahaha. 😉
Have you weighed and measured yourself since you started a month ago?
Jsack Mom:
No I didn’t weigh myself I only do that once a year at my Dr’s physical. I did measure myself though, my best method is to how well my clothes are fitting. I also took daily pictures to motivate me and keep me on track.
Tracy on the rocks:
I only weighed myself. I should measure myself and take pictures. But I don’t want evidence of the “before,” just hurry up and get to the “after” portion!
What are your results?
Jsack Mom: inches lost and down a whole pant size!
Tracy on the rocks: 7 lbs down total!
What’s the next goal for yourself?
Jsack Mom:
I’ve been invited to participate in another challenge, the Beach Body 21 day fix. And another personal one with a friend and her team. I will weigh out the commitments to each and make my decision from there.
Tracy on the rocks:
I am hoping to continue at 2 lb loss increments
Will this become a lifestyle change or is just to drop some weight?
Jsack Mom:
Absolutely lifestyle, I want to teach my children more about healthy choices and eating clean. My oldest son already eats very healthy, but he’s a big snacker. Now I have healthier options for him to choose from. My youngest has a lot of food texture issues so I just try to get him eating lots of fruits, and he’s content with carrots so I don’t force the issue. I make the sneakiest and healthiest pasta sauce because I blend up tons of veggies in there. Jessica Seinfeld’s cookbook Deceptively Delicious is pure genius with her methods of incorporating vegetables into a family food menu.
Tracy on the rocks:
Lifestyle! I don’t want to yo-yo diet! The fitness part is definitely something that I need to incorporate into my life and not just as a fad. I also realize I was drinking alcohol way too often. Before I started keeping track of what I was eating, it was easy to make drinking a glass (or a bottle) of wine nightly a habit.
Do you keep yourself accountable to a group, friend, or partner?
Jsack Mom:
Yes I’m accountable to myself, my Beach Body coach Ryan, my fitness teams, and of course to Tracy and all you wonderful readers following along. I’ve been blessed to have many supportive friends and family in person and online cheering me on as well.
Tracy on the rocks:
Myself and knowing I’m going to have to report my results in this challenge!
Name 5 things that are keeping you motivated today.
Jsack Mom:
- 1. Keeping track of my progress through pictures, posts, and hard work.
- 2. That wonderful feeling of adrenaline and euphoria before, during, and after a workout.
- 3. Beach Body fitness trainer Shaun T. His workouts are geared for results. His exercise progressions are small in increments but very powerful. His ecouragement and his hotness factor are motivating me too. 😉
- 4. My energy level at the end of the day is amazing. Before I was dragging my butt at the end of the day; I could’ve carried it to bed with both hands. Now I feel so much better and what little sleep I get (die to my son’s sleep disorder) it’s solid and rejuvenating now.
- 5. Being pain free with my chronic back pain is my goal. As well as being an active Mom who teaches, learns, and grows with my children. While teaching and implementing healthy habits for my whole family to use.
Tracy on the rocks
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Fitting into my jeans
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All the sacrifices I’ve already made will be for nothing if I don’t stay on track
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Fitting into a new dress for my friend’s wedding (which happens to be on my birthday)
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Umm…being too busy to eat
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That’s all I’ve got.
Name someone who’s been supportive of you meeting your fitness goals.
Jsack Mom: Tracy on the Rocks! She’s been incredible with cheering me on and always so supportive with my posting schedule when answering her own fitness questions. My coach Ryan from YYC Game changers is a bottomless well of health, enthusiasm, advice, and motivation. Him and his lovely wife Carolyn really walk the walk, and talk the talk. I’ve been following their fitness journey on their blog, and now their motivating You tube channel as well as Instagram. They live, breathe, and promote their passion daily with Beach Body health and fitness.
Tracy on the Rocks: Jsack Mom!
Everyone’s actually been really supportive! My roommate is getting married so she’s doing her own challenge and my girlfriend found out I was doing Medifast and she told me she did it too so she keeps checking in. Everyone wants me to succeed!
Is there anything that’s sabotaging you to not meet your goals?
Jsack Mom:
Yes right now with this detox challenge it’s the yummy, tantalizing foods I can’t have. My husband brought home a honey ham for dinner and I had to leave the house. It smelled so good I was afraid I was going to cave. So I took a quick jog around the block and felt better when I got home and everything was put away. Honestly though it was a long night and I sulked while eating my salmon salad and NOT having a beer while watching the hockey game. 😝
Tracy on the Rocks: Not yet….
Recipe: Greek yogurt and berries
Here’s my favourite new snack so easy and so delicious.
- 1/4 cup of Greek yogurt
- 1/2 cup of fresh fruit (raspberries or strawberries or both.)
- 2 Tablespoons of oatmeal.
- Mix together in a bowl and BOOM 💥 you’ve got a delicious, healthy snack.
So there you have it Tracy on the Rocks and I will be back next week to share tips, recipes, and what’s making us feel great on the #takingbackmechallenge. Thank you for coming along on our journey. ❤️
Dear Mom, the day I cried when my kettle died
It’s been a rough day with my youngest son who has the SPD (Sensory Processing Disoder) and impending evaluation for ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). Transitions are very difficult for him so I made the mistake this morning by saying “let’s get dressed and go do something fun!” I didn’t use his PECS (Picture Example Communication), a visual tool I use so he can see that’s what we’re going to do. Life has been manageable so I just tried talking about it. Big mistake made there, let’s just add that to my ever growing list shall we?
He wouldn’t get dressed so I helped him. Then I got dressed while he undressed. So I sighed audibly and made breakfast. He refused to eat so I turned on the cartoons and went about my online to do list, running my Facebook page and co-admin four others. I carried on with my updates, checking messages, replying to comments, and I looked up to see my son eating. Well that’s one battle avoided. I decided I would get my breakfast and put on the kettle for tea.
I ate, tidied up the kitchen, and went to make my tea. Then I realized my kettle died. All the stress of the morning came to a head and I cried. I burst into tears, and cried till my throat was raw and snot and tears were pouring down my face. I call that the ugly cry of no return. I lost track of how long I cried, my son found me on the floor huddled up into a ball in the fetal position. My Mom bought me that kettle, and it was last gift she ever gave me. It was a painful moment for me the day my kettle died. For a tea lover like me this is a very sad thing! It’s the last gift my Mom gave to me. And now she flies with the angels so I feel the insatiable desire to write about my pain….
I felt so silly crying over a kettle but it’s the memories I have of her and that kettle. Drinking tea, laughing, loving, and sharing our hearts. I miss her so much, and microwave tea water sucks. I just want to sit with my Mom again and babble, banter, and sing like we used to. It doesn’t matter how old we get we just don’t stop needing our parents! Well I’m speaking for myself, but I’ll never forget the day my brother phoned me. He called my cell phone and asked me why I had answered it. I replied “it’s my phone, it rang, so I answered it.” Bitchtastic morning to you too!
I may need to mention I’m not a morning person. He was trying to get ahold of my husband who he thought would have the phone. I knew my Mom was gone so I voiced it, and he said yes and assured me my husband was on his way home. What my brother didn’t know was that our Mom came to me in a dream. She reached for my hand and called me by the pet name she had for me, I reached back and woke up. Just in time to see her disappearing into the ethers as my phone rang. There I sat on the edge of my bed rubbing my very pregnant belly. I was eight months along, alone, and devastated.
My husband arrived home and gathered me up in a hug while our oldest child slept through it all. I collapsed into my loves chest and soaked his shirt with my tears. I close my eyes now and see it all replaying like a movie in my head. How did I survive that trauma to my heart, psyche, and soul? I gave birth to my baby a month premature and had to keep living, loving, and raising my children. I don’t know if I survived it so to speak, I just didn’t have a choice. My family needed me to recover, to be me even if I was just a mere grieving shell of myself. As I get closer to Mother’s Day I try to remember that it’s important to put myself on my list of priorities. Taking back the me I once was is a gift to myself, and to my family.
The only thing I would ask for this Mother’s Day would be the gift of time. Wrapped up in beautiful embossed paper I would find a journal and a beautiful pen to write my thoughts in. Recording those days that are so long with sensory meltdowns, those little conversations my son has with his toys about going to the zoo. Remembering how my oldest son used his problem solving skills, instead of screaming out his pain. A gift certificate to my favourite restaurant where my husband and I could enjoy a date night with each other’s company. A note from a certified special needs caregiver who will stay and look after my children for a few hours of our lives.
*Image found on Pinterest.*
I would love a brand new kettle to make new memories with while sipping my tea and thinking of my Mom. Followed by a gift card to a gardening center to pick up a beautiful plant, soil, and Miracle Grow to plant in my old kettle. A wonderful idea shared by my heart sister friend The Brain. And lastly a box of Kleenex to dry my tears, blow my nose, and a bottle of wine to allow it all to sink in how very blessed I am.
Happy Mother’s Day to you. ❤️
Jsack's Mom's Blog 