Forget

There are chapters of my life I’d like to forget. I want to forget how lost I felt when my parents marriage ended, and how insecure I felt when my Dad was raising a new family. I want to forget how lonely I felt being bullied in school every miserable day of Grade 8, and that my confidence took a shit kicking that’s been difficult to recover from. I want to forget how alone I felt when my Grandparents (my saving grace) left this earth. I want to forget how lonely, scared, and devastated I felt when my parents died just when I became a parent myself. I want to forget those dark nights of my soul that turned me into a raging, depressed, puddle of tears. I want to forget the confusion I felt when my son asked me what was wrong and where did his Geedo go. I want to forget how I had to put my grief on hold when his Grandma died when his tender heart needed comfort and security. And to forget how terrified I felt when my own waves of grief ripped into my soul with a force of a thousand, chaotic, emotional storms. I really want to forget how terrified I felt when my body couldn’t take the hurt and the pain anymore and I went into early labor with my baby. And I wish I could forget those long endless days of watching my precious baby in the NICU. Wishing I could take him home and take away all the hurt, worry, and fear I saw in his big brothers eyes when he came to see him…. I want to forget and wipe from my mind how helpless I felt watching my vulnerable, little baby hooked up to wires, monitors, and machines. But I can’t, there’s no crystal ball that can change my past, no time machine that change those long and lonely days, hours, minutes, and seconds, engulfed in my sadness and tears…. There’s no going back, this is my reality and it sucks. I also can’t go back and change or forget anything, because of all of these hardships have made me into who I am today. I’ve endured a lot of sadness, grief, and abandonment and these trials have taught me to be stronger, capable, and compassionate. They have unleashed that Momma bear when my oldest son was bullied in school. These unforgettable moments in my past have shown me that really whatever doesn’t kill me can make me stronger. Honestly there’s times where I just want to close my eyes and forget but if God brought me to it, he will bring me through it.

Today’s Sunday confession brought to you by the fantastic http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com check out her blog and all the other sensational bloggers that link up. Hugs to you all. 💓

Without

There are times in my life where I have gone without. Without food, proper adult supervision as a kid and got into trouble, I’ve gone without security when my parents separated, and without self esteem when I was being bullied in school. In today’s world we have so much, we have freedom in North America that our brave soldiers fight for daily. We have technology at our fingertips from smart phones, tablets, PC’s and access to Google anything and everything on the planet. It’s truly amazing what happens when we strip down and go without. Without having that temptation of a cookie and instead choosing a healthy snack, going without the need to have our cellphone attached to our face kind of weekend and enjoy REAL time with our family and friends, going without needing anyone’s approval on what we think, wear, choose, or act. We gain so much with going without these oppressive things in our lives. We gain confidence when we make healthy choices instead of sabotaging ourselves when we choose to eat clean and healthy. A great quote that I just read today that resonated with me is http://www.eatsmartmovemorenc.com/MotivationalPosters/Texts/MM_quotes3.pdf
We gain REAL joy and happiness when we unplug from technology and take pictures in our minds. And create lasting and precious memories in REAL time. Although I admit there are times when technology is necessary like for instance, I couldn’t write my blog and reach my lovely followers and perhaps gain a new audience without it. Going without needing society’s approval of how we’re “supposed” to be according to what sells in the fashion magazines gains us so much self awareness, pride, joy, self esteem, happiness, and self worth. Be yourself, be wild, be brave, be loud, be proud of every living breathing alive cell in your body!!! Be unapologetic for creating this perfect you, cast off all your fears, shame, and guilt and NEVER go without what you need in life to make yourself feel whole. Find what makes YOU come alive and I promise you your heart will sing and your spirit will smile. Live and love your truth and choose NOW to go without the negative, breathe in the positive, and start loving yourself like the beautiful creation that you are. ❤️

Today’s Sunday confession brought to my new addiction http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com check out her rocking blog and the fun and fearless bloggers that link up. Smooches and hugs on your journey. 💗

Phone call to heaven

Today I’m thinking of a very special man, my Dad. I’m thinking of his laughter that boomed out into a deep belly laugh and made everyone join in. I’m thinking of his beautiful smile that made his eyes crinkle up and disappear which is a family trait. I’m thinking of how strong his arms were when he’d hold me in a hug. I think of how he smelled like pine tree when he came home from work logging in the bush. And how he’d slap on some Old Spice after a bath and I wave his hair like Elvis when he’d take our family out for dinner. I think of how he was such a strong man and kept silent a lot of the time just watching and observing situations before he spoke. And when he did speak it was important and everyone listened or you suffered his wrath of anger. No one could curse quite like my Dad, he’d start a sentence and if he was mad enough it would turn into a paragraph! I think of how much he loved his family and friends and if he knew anyone in dire straits he’d give them his shirt off his back. Sometimes to my Mom’s dismay when he’d come home without groceries because he’d seen a family going without. He always told me with whatever hardship I faced just to keep my head up and keep moving forward. Either I’d see a new perspective for my problem or I’d move right pass it and find the solution and let it go. There was no one that had a bigger heart and loved animals like my Dad. He had 50 birdhouses and he had 3 dogs and a cat that kept his lap warm and his heart full of love. I think of how much I miss him today more than yesterday. How much I love him and how thankful I am to my Dad and Mom for loving me, loving life, and for teaching me to be Cherney strong. ❤️

Faith

I have a deep faith in God. This is something I’m happy to have and share it with my kids. I’m not knocking on people’s doors to share that as it’s very special and personal faith I have. And throughout the last 5 years it’s been tested greatly. There’s been times when having faith has been like a 4 letter word to me as my heart and head have had to endure a lot of loss and pain. I’ve survived the deaths of both of my parents before I turned 40. As we know that’s a time in your life when you greatly appreciate and value your parents role in your life. As they watch you grow into an accomplished adult and become a parent yourself. My kids only have one set of Grandparents and I’ve always felt that crushing loss of them not knowing my parents. My oldest son knew my Mom and Dad and he was 2 when my Dad died, and 4 with my Mom’s passing. He remembers stories I tell him and pictures in the photo albums but I have to have faith he will remember the love and pride that they had for him. I look in my son’s eyes and see my Mom smiling back at me which gives me great comfort and a pang in my heart at the same time… He came along at a time in their lives when that had already been Grandparents for awhile and life had settled down for them and they were able to appreciate him growing, learning, and discovering throughout those tender years. He has a lot of their characteristics as well with his love of history, humor, reading, writing, and creativity. My parents never knew my youngest who reminds me of them both with his spirit, tenacity, and strength. He had a very scary, early arrival shortly after my Mom’s death. And I went through a lot to get him healthy enough to leave the hospital. I had to dig deep, pray, and have faith that he would be ok when I finally got to room in with him and eventually bring him home to his family. I had to have faith he would be breathing and I wouldn’t have to check on him every 15 minutes in a day if he was sleeping too soundly. I wore him in a baby carrier a lot those first few months of his new born life and today he’s a very snuggly toddler. I had to have faith that I would conquer and survive having Post Partum Depression twice after having my precious babies. I had to keep the faith that I would heal and recover from a devastating grief that made my heart, spirit, and my body ache. I had to have faith I could help my oldest son deal with his own precious heart breaking with grief as he was living without his Grandma in his life and then a brand new baby brother in the hospital. He didn’t understand that the hospital was a safe place for his brother as he saw him hooked up to wires and monitors when he visited him in the NICU. Today 4 years later I hear him and his little brother talking about my parents as they look through pictures of them on the computer. And just now as I was writing this blog my oldest son made up a video to show me pictures of my hubby and I, my parents and I on our wedding day, and then pictures of my sweet boy when he was younger. And I just like that my faith is restored that he has his special memories of his Grandparents and continues to share them with his family. This makes me think of my Mom and Dad up their on their white cloud smiling and laughing at these amazing Grandsons. As they look down with love and pride at the best gifts in my life, cheering me on and encouraging me to keep the faith. ❤️

Today’s Sunday confession proud to you by the fabulous http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com
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Captive

I have been held captive throughout most of my life to fear. I have feared being ridiculed when I was 5 years old because I couldn’t spell my name in Kindergarten. So every recess while the other kids played outside I worked with my teacher learning how to spell it.

 I remember looking at the alphabet train around the room praying the letters A for Apple, B for Bee, or C for Cat would give me the inspiration or even a right letter. I have been in a classroom with other students that understood and excelled in math. I’ve believed I suck at math so I programmed my mind to not learn it and be successful.

 I was held captive with fear, low self esteem and feeling worthless when my Grade 2 teacher read out my math mark last because it was always the lowest. Even though everyone else in my class had their names and marks read out alphabetically. I can still hear that awful voice of that vile woman in
my head from so many years ago. I have been held captive to the fear of getting lost. 

I will map out every single direction over and over again in my mind till it’s imprinted like a photograph. There are times when I still get lost and panic because something happens in my mind and GPS definitely helps in those situations. 

I have been held captive to grief as I allowed it to eat away at my happiness and guilt replaced my joy. I wondered if I could ever smile again or feel a reason to be happy. I have been held captive to the fear that I’m not good, smart, pretty, or worthy enough. I have spent countless hours looking in the mirror and asking God why am I here, what am I to do with my life. I have attracted negative people and situations in my life because of these beliefs. 

I have been held captive by the fear of change and I’ve moved a lot in my life and tried to run away from myself. I am a strong, loving, woman and I owe to my myself, and my family to change and break free from this captivity. Now I’m facing challenges, transitioning to a new home, new people, new situations, a brand new life. I’m reprogramming myself and my motto is feel the fear but do it anyway. I’m learning, changing, and growing more into the person I want to become and loving and forgiving myself for who I was. I’m not my past I’m the present and my gift is a future of breaking free from this captivity!

This Sunday confession brought to you by the amazing http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com
Check out her awesome blog and all the other fantastic bloggers who link up. Cheers to all you lovelies. ❤️

*Image used with permission from http://www.bravegirlsclub.com*