#Monday Musings-Rejection

She stared at the words on her phone screen goodbye as her tears started to fall and the words blurred into a black squiggly mess. It’s how some people choose to communicate breaking up, getting fired, and ending friendships via text. It’s how disconnected and disingenuous our world has become when this is thought of as an appropriate form of communication. And yet knowing this didn’t stop the pain that she felt as the reality crashed down on her like a ton of emotional back logged sludge. Any way you slice the rejection pie it hurts. 

Goodbye-it seemed so easy to say after many years of a childhood friendship that ends in tatters and torment from one persons choices. She couldn’t understand the finality of those words but as days turned into weeks, and weeks into months it became abundantly clear. How was she supposed to break away from those feelings of guilt for stating an opinion, questions that were mistaken for judgement, how did she become enemy #1 when she had been supportive for so long? 

She wrestled with her own guilt and remorse for things spoken and not said. For all those times when death came knocking on ones door taking a loved one and how that friendship remained loyal and steadfast and supportive through those dark times. When she became so wrapped up in her own grief that she couldn’t breath through the tightness in her chest and her scalp where even her hair began to hurt! 

She was no stranger to grief as she had to say goodbye to her Grandparents, followed by the deaths of her Father and step sister who left the world in sickness and confusion. There was no one to save them from Cancer or a broken soul that couldn’t take the pain of living in the world any longer. Where she could still hear the incessant sound of the PSP pump when it ran out of morphine that was allowing her dear Dad to go gentle into that goodnight. A month after in her tear stained, grief encased fog she was met with the news of the suicide that her step sister took to end her pain. This death so fresh, shocking, and regrettable when the path of her existence of loss and devastation was to great to bear. She began to question what life was all about, how would she survive when her heart felt like it was literally broken in two, and how would she continue to get out of bed and raise her child? 

At one time there were loving arms to wrap around her as the death of her Mother brought her to a halt. When words failed her and she sang so loud and proud on the final day of goodbye that even heaven could hear her. Then after the song stopped and she closed her mouth the tears flowed and the grief wall overtook her like lava from an erupting volcano and burned up her heart. She couldn’t walk without assistance as her bulging pregnant belly and aching hips gave in to the world of loss around her. Words spilled out of her mouth but could find no meaning as they became fear infused stuttering. 

Somehow she managed to carry on and walk that path of hopelessness and loss and raise her children and live to face another day. She had successes, job transfers, losing and loving new friends that entered her life. Each move felt like another form of painful ending mixed with the excitement of a new beginning. So much so that she didn’t know if she really was coming or going in the chaotic existence she had carved out for herself. 

How did she say goodbye to a thirty year friendship, she didn’t have a choice she just had to let it go and grieve another loss in her life as her heart bled on the page once again…

  Today I share this with the #Mondaymusings link up hosted by Corinne of Write Tribe and co-hosted by Philosophers Stone

*Image used with permission from http://www.bravegirlsclub.com and found on their Facebook page hehttps://www.facebook.com/BraveGirlsClub/photos/a.143945461409.136897.138801301409/10153709766621410/?type=3re

Ten Things of Thankful

Ive been feeling so many emotions lately and I know that’s always coincided with a full moon on the horizon. Today I spent time reading and I looked out onto a sunny day and the thankfuls were bursting from my heart! I had company this weekend and it was the first time they had been to my house. It was so much fun to show them around and enjoy their company, as my kids jumped around like they were surgically attached to pogo sticks. Today I’m so happy to link up for TTOT and share in my bucket of thankfuls. ❤️

It’s these moments in time I’m so thankful for my family the one I created, and the one I was born into. I’ve been keeping busy reading and writing and I’m so thankful to be published for the first time at Lose Your Cape. I have the blessing to be in their upcoming book Never will I Ever as a contributor. So to read myself there and be introduced as such made my heart glow and tears spring to my eyes. 

I joined my theatre group again this season and we will be putting on the pantomime play Beauty and the Beast. I’m playing a singing chandelier as well as being in the chorus. I’m so thankful for my time with my cast and creativity spent on stage. Singing, dancing, and acting, are three of my greatest passions. So to be able to do all of them at once fills my love bucket to the brim!

I’m thankful that I’m expanding my social circle and enjoying time with my book club. We met today to discuss an urban fantasy novel we had read and as I sat and looked around the room of smiling, kind, very gifted, and knowledgeable people I realized I had found my tribe. I’m so excited that they chose one of the books I really wanted to read and that I will be hosting book club next month. 

There’s times in my life I’m not able to be two places at once so I’m so thankful for my husband for being so supportive. He took our kids to hockey so I was able to be social today and be where I was needed the most. He does this without any need for thank you’s, but I still show and tell him I’m appreciative. As he knows it’s important that I have the me time to feel fufilled and be a better me!

I’m thankful for the busy week I had with running my kids up and down the highway to school and extra curricular activities that I was able to have a day at home to rest and recharge. Being strong and fit are essential to my well being. I get such joy, vitality, and energy from my Beach Body workouts that I’m thankful that I’ve made them a priority in my daily life. I’ve completed my tenth fitness challenge in a Piyo group. This is a combination of Pilates and yoga poses and it makes me feel so much more stronger, dynamic and balanced in my hectic life. 

I’m thankful for the writing opportunities that have come my way on my blog, submissions, and my own book writing in progress. I’ve had the most fortunate experiences to meet and discuss with my new real life, and online friends and authors. I’m learning so much to help me be a success at honing this writing craft, that I’m so proud to be able to do and share with you all. 

I’m so thankful for all the things I’ve learned from my beloved Mama. She is never far from my thoughts and her influence in my life is so greatly appreciated. Her gifts are heaven sent and bestowed on me in little messages, signs in nature, and our special times in the dream world. She is who I write for knowing with her love and guidance of the spoken and written word, I know I’m making her proud one day and one story at a time. 💖

 

Writer’s Quotes Wednesdays and #Bewow

Inspiration finds me in the most opportune times. I talk about and study neuroscience as the research captures my fascination. I’m never at a shortage of knowledge or picturesque opportunities for growth as I fill my days with wonderful words from poets, philanthropists, personal development specialists, free thinkers, and listening and sharing with the young and amazing minds of my children. Today is one of those days where the words flow, the ideas form, and creativity is ignited. Thank you for sharing this moment with me today as I submit my meme to Silver Threading and #Bewow linkup. Please follow the link and be inspired yourself. ❤️

  

Writer’s quotes Wednesday and #Bewow

My children have a way of making my heart sing and my spirit smile. I love how much they love each other. Here’s an example of that love captured in real time. These balloons have been floating around my ceiling for the last few weeks. So one day my son’s wanted to play with them. Before I could grab a step stool they engineered this plan. ❤️

  
This has been my submission to Writer’s quotes Wednesday and #Bewow the inspiration is abundant here and one of my favourite places to be. 😊

#Mondaymusings-Thanksgiving

   This is a special day to me the day I celebrate how thankful I am on my Canadian Thanksgiving. It doesn’t take a lot of practice to be thankful, but it takes a lot of self control to not be negative and stop complaining. I took a 21 day stop complaining challenge that my lovely friend invited me to. I learned more about myself and my knee jerk trigger reactions to daily life in 3 weeks, than I would’ve just allowing myself to complain. You can read about it here.  I felt more empowered after I completed the challenge to do more loving acts of kindness, be more positive , and to stop complaining! 

I now focus on being thankful for my blessings and remind myself to complain less. I’m finding with each thing that irks me I become mindful and just breathe and then will myself to let it go. It makes me feel so much more in control of my emotions instead of letting them control me. My relationship with my children has become closer and better because I’m focusing on hearing them out then just jumping to conclusions and complaining. 
I read something awhile back in a parenting workshop about how to miss a childhood, and one thing that stood out to me was not listening to your children. As the days went by where I was keeping myself accountable to stop my endless complaining I began to really listen. I’m a talker I like to use different tones and inflections in my voice so to just listen was a feat in itself! The more I did though, the more I connected with my son’s, and the more they wanted to connect with me. 

I have always been a right fighter and needed to have the last word. In my marriage that has led to difficult times. I always tended to blame my childhood as I’m the youngest of six. Growing up as the youngest I didn’t always feel my voice was heard without yelling and fighting. But the sad truth is I’ve been in denial I just wanted to be simply be right and validated.  As I became more mindful of this trigger my marriage changed for the better. More love, more patience, and more respect were infused in my thoughts, words, and actions was the result. 

I began to listen more and talk less, and it changed me from always needing to be right and have the last word. I won’t kid myself and say this isn’t a struggle some days. It’s been a large part of my life and I won’t change overnight. I’m confident though that I will change daily. Because I’m so thankful for my family they lift me up when my heart’s hurting, and love and forgive me when I don’t feel I deserve it. I’m so thankful that I am a strong personality to contend with because I don’t back down, and that has served me well with advocating for my children. 

They’re starting to see a gentler, more mindful Mom than a screaming, complaining banshee of a torment. I’m not proud of those moments when I’ve let the crazy train run off the rails. I am proud that I’ve taken the steps to change that from promoting and participating in my self care. I exercise more, and panic less. I meditate more and hold my breath less. I’m thankful for the calm that can full my days if I allow it to. I’m thankful for this rebirth of me and my loves, my country, and this Thanksgiving day. ❤️

Today I’ve linked up with Everyday Gyaan co-hosted by Kalidescope as part of Write Tribes #Mondaymusings. This is what I was musing about today, thank you for stopping by. 😊

Ten things of thankful

Today I prepared and shared a wonderful turkey dinner with my family. Tomorrow is our Canadian Thanksgiving  and we had our turkey and all the trimmings tonight. It’s so fitting that I’m linking up with Lizzi and the TTOT family on this special weekend. Where quality time spent with my family is what I enjoy the most, from the laughter to our Thanksgiving tradition of sharing what we’re thankful for. 💞

I’m also thankful for this epic pie! It was as delicious as it looks. 😋

I have some many things to be thankful for as I smell my delicious turkey roasting in the oven. My family who even if we yell, fight, we love, hug, and forgive just as easily. ❤️

I’m thankful for my siblings who are like a warm comfy security blanket when I feel unsure of myself and my life’s direction. They’re always there offering me their love and guidance and I’m so grateful for that. ❤️

  
 I’m thankful for my friends who love me and accept me for who I am. They’ve been wanting me to come and visit for awhile since my move so it’s time to plan a road trip or save up for a plane ticket. 💞

I’m thankful for the beautiful weather we’re having for fall. We’re experiencing a Chinook, where a warm current of air sits above a cold one and temperature dramatically gets warmer. Last week we were + 6 and today we’re +22. 🌞

 

 
I’m thankful for a wonderful blessing I found out about last weekend. I’m going to be in a book anthology! My essay I submitted was accepted and the book will be out by Christmas time. I’m so happy and proud to be a part of this special project with these amazing authors. 😃🎉

  
I’m thankful that I have the ability to write and tell my story. Sometimes the content I do write isn’t always easy to share, but I know with each story I heal a little more each time. ❤️

I’m thankful for a busy week filled with hockey, visits, shopping, and quality time spent with friends and family.😊

I’m thankful for this platform to express my gratitude from with the Ten Things of Thankful family at the helm of my thankful ship. ❤️

I’m thankful for my wonderful husband who saw I needed help as my head and heart took a trip to overwhelmed ville and he threw me anchor and now I’m afloat. Our youngest son suffers from sleep disordered breathing and had to have a polysonogram. It was difficult to see him hooked up to sensor pads and wires. I made everything into an adventure by telling him the computer and magic wires were giving him superhero powers. It was a long night for me but he slept soundly even with all the attachments that encumbered him. I’m so proud of my little superhero and his bravery. ❤️🌟

 

 
I’m thankful for you who stop by to read my words, share my posts, and like to hang out and chat. That’s a whole bucket full of thankfuls I’m grateful to have in my life. 😊❤️

  

Writer’s quotes Wednesday and #BeWow

This week has been busy with my oldest son’s hockey season starting. Between school, preschool, and hockey I spend my time driving up and down the highway. My youngest son who struggles with Obstructive Sleep Apnea had to get a polysonogram. 

  

I watched with nervous anticipation as the lab tech hooked him up with sensor pads and wires. I did my best to assuage his fears. I told him that his magic wires would hook him up to the computer to give him superhero powers. For all he’s had to endure medically, his bravery gives me wings to fly, he is my superhero  ❤️

  
This has been my submission to Silver Threading and Bewow linkup for Writer’s Quotes Wednesday. This is where I find love, hope, and inspiration. Please give this talented group your reader love, thank you. 😘

Wearing my heart on my sleeve

I’ve always been an emotional person the wear my heart on my sleeve kind of gal. There’s times where I think I need to have a thicker skin or put my heart away so I don’t get so easily hurt. It comes part and parcel with being empathic I feel people’s feelings, and I can “touch” people’s energy. I know when someone isn’t good for me or my loved ones and I can stay clear. 

I do my best to give people the benefit of the doubtand not judge a book by its cover. It will still happen to me and someone I love, that’s the way of the world unfortunately. Today was just like any other day before preschool filled with excitement an anticipation.  My son loves going to school and he wears and shows his feelings with his whole body. He was so excited to stomp up the stairs and count with me. He loves seeing his teachers and playing with his favourite toys there.  For the last month him and I have considered this a safe, fun, and educational place. Today though something happened and I’m still trying to process it. 

I have something brewing in my mind and my heart. If I don’t get it out I think I will combust! I was sure as I mulled it over to see how I could’ve handled it differently it would evolve into a blog post at some point. Today I was waiting with my son for preschool to start. There was a couple of families there and a little girl was staring at my son. He was standing there stomping as it’s his new thing that he does to feel comfortable in his environment, to gain sensory input. It’s an eclosed narrow hallway so his stomping is quite loud with its sound vibrations. 

I asked him to please quiet his feet inside and a classmate of his looked at him and announced to her Mom that he was crazy. The Mom (who did not acknowledge me besides with nervous laughter) said to another parent at that age crazy is good. I stood there stupefied, angry, and hurt for my son. I told him you’re awesome and don’t let anyone change that! My son isn’t crazy he’s very busy and full of kinetic energy and must move to learn. He has Sensory Processing Disorder #SPD and this how his eight senses react to sensory input. 

We all know we have our five basic senses of touch, taste, sight, hearing, sound, and smell. There’s many more types of senses but I’ll focus on the other three I was referring to:

1. Propriocepetion- gives you the ability to know where your body is in space within your environment in relation to your other body parts. Think of the song Head, shoulders, knees, and toes. 
2.  Equilibrioception- relates to our vestibular sense that’s found in the inner ear. This sensory sense is all about our ability to balance and have agility. 
3. Interoception- relates to our body’s sensory system to know when we’re hungry, thirsty, or the urge to eliminate. 

My son is constantly seeking sensory input as all these senses build up inside his brain, body, and central nervous system and cause a traffic jam. Some of his senses are strong and some are weak and how he needs to seek out input looks different to everybody.

 This misguided observation we encountered didn’t bother my son at all. He doesn’t see himself any differently from other kids. He continued stomping while I stood there stewing in my furiousness for this hurtful remark. He made music with his feet, all be it loud music and made a little girl dance. Then that started a chain reaction and another classmate started twirling and he was still smiling and stomping. 

Although I saw his happiness I felt my heart crack for my child. He’s not different he’s different abled and is receiving therapy from his team so that he can function better in a world that can at times misunderstand and judge him. On Oct. 8 th it’s Sensory Processing Disorder Awareness please spread the love, awareness, and educate for SPD. 

   
  

#Monday Musings and my Mindful thoughts

I have so much I want to say, write, and express. Sometimes I feel like there’s not enough hours in the day to get it all out! The words spoken or written come out in a humble jumble and I breathe a sigh of relief. Finally I can focus on something that needs my attention like my overflowing laundry baskets, neglected emails, and that ugly bath tub ring staring at me. 

I get consumed sometimes like there will be there be enough hours in the day to purge myself of these thoughts that hold me captive. Will there be enough lyrics in a song, enough stanzas in a poem, will my insatiable thirst for knowledge ever be quenched as I spend my late night owl hours researching neurology? 

Will I allow myself to rest or will the anxiety monster that lives inside me roar up and raise its ugly head yelling at me never shall you sleep with ease while I’m in charge! What is it about this desire, drive, curiousity, and deep seated need that feels like home to me? It’s all I’ve ever known so is it possible to be something or someone else who isn’t acting on the impulse of that steady thrumming in my head and heart?  

To be all I can be, when I can, as much as I can before it’s too late! And why will it ever be too late when will the worry jagged lines carved into my brain cease to exist? I really can’t answer that to worry feels like breathing to me. I can get on a good righteous path and do really well with controlling it for awhile. Then something always happens and sends me into a tailspin watching, waiting, and questioning my anxiety fueled fears. 

Gripping me in it’s vise grip hold choking the pure joy out of me and drowning me in sadness and worry. I want to break free and live that life I dream of on the overside of the coin, than overdose in this blanket of fear. I cry out in pain, praying for God to release me from this torment of my mind! My life has never been an easy one like anyone else on this spinning orb we call earth I grew up in dysfunction. 

I was loved it was just the people who loved me grew out of love for each other. Or maybe there was a deep rooted love there but no respect. I spent my childhood days wanting that picture perfect family I saw shining in all its Hollywood glory on Happy Days. Even the Fonz in his cool leather jacket, and rebellious ways was Arthur to the Cunninghams and was loved and found worthy.

Why did I need this so much I was only four when my parents separated? I worried so much with my religious background, that they would end up in purgatory for their sins. I wanted desperately to solve the problems of the adults around me and everything to go back to what I considered normal. That word always left me feeling so inadequate because I never felt like I could live up to its expectations. 

Normal is really just a figment in my mind. My Mom always told me I was born to stand out and to never let anyone tell me my star couldn’t shine. She had such a lovely positive spirit and a way with words spoken, written, or sung. Losing her was my normal first to dementia, and next to death. When both felt like my heart was being ripped from my body! 

There are days when I just don’t want to worry anymore. How I just want to see my beloved Mama again and collaspe into tears in her lap; where she strokes my hair and tells me this too shall pass. But she’s not there and sometimes it’s only a Mom’s hug that can heal the wounds of your heart. 

An emotional roller coaster on the anxiety highway is my reality. When it gets too much I turn off the world and unplug and slip into my sensory pleasure of music. Singing with all my being so loud that even heaven could hear me. Those are the times I feel closer to my version of normal and as my heart soars and my spirits sings, getting me one step closer to God and freedom and to her voice and love. 

Today I’m linking up with #Mondaymusings hosted by Corinne at Everyday Gyyan and co-hosted by Reflections. I thank them for this opportunity to link up and express myself to a new audience. 😊

 

Writer’s Quotes Wednesday and #BeWOW

Today I feel inspired about things I’ve overcome and feel stronger about what’s to come. I felt that when I woke up this morning and I’m determined to take that vibration into the rest of my day and make great things happen! 😃

  
This is my submission to Silver Threading and #BeWoW linkup at Writer’s Quotes Wednesday. Please check out this amazing mixture of talent, prose, and poetry each week. Thank you for reading mine today. 😘