#Mondaymusings-Lets talk about mental health on #Bellletstalkday

 
I have a story to share I always have. I have a big heart and a big vocabulary and I’m always up for a honest, open discussion. Yet the one thing that always silenced me was my depression. To speak of it meant a horrible feeling of shame that washed over me. I have struggled with the stigma of it since I was very young. I was four years old when my parents separated and with that brought an immense sadness. 

I had no control of it but I was glad to see the fighting stop in my daily life. There were still tears, prayers, and long heart to heart talks but the hurtful words thrown about so carelessly were gone. My Dad took on another life and family and my Mom was forced to make a life as a single parent to two little girls who needed her. She struggled with mental health too, sleeping at odd hours of the day, angry outbursts, tear filled days and nights as her heart was broken over her failed marriage. 

I saw it all, heard the stories, and did my best to comfort her. Being empathic I could feel every emotion and it was like a double edge sword living with this pain. I was so young and impressionable and yet I was growing wise to the ways of the world. I grew up like any other typical kid living in this  existence as I fought with the sadness and anger that would overtake my heart. The world was too loud, confusing, chaotic, and busy. I didn’t know how to cope so I turned to prayer, songs, and my faithful books. 

I grew into a sullen teenager and battled with anyone who would talk to me. My poor Mom didn’t know what to do and so we attended family therapy. I soon started having nightmares as triggers from my childhood came back to haunt me. I would go days on end not sleeping which means my Mom did do. I was finally diagnosed with clinical Depression and Insomnia 

I refused medication as I had such a fear of being drugged into what I call the “Ritalin generation.” It seemed like any child who couldn’t sit still, thought outside the box, and expressed a volatile opinion was put on the token drug of choice. I wasn’t going to be a statistic so I chose to take a more natural route. 

My Mom supported me with this as I changed my nutrition plan, got more exercise, and took Valerian and other herbs for my lack of sleeping pattern. It was a dark and confusing time in my life and I coped with it the best I could. I soon matured into an adult and had years of journals that commemorates that confusing chaotic time in my life. As I grew older graduated and attended college my mental health issues came back full force. The stress of deadlines, securing a student loan to attend school, and maintain a relationship took it’s toll. At the age of twenty I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I also experienced a lot of death in my life losing both my Grandparents, parents, and my step sister all before I was the age of forty. I suffered with Post Partum Depression which I had with both of my babies and it was dark, devastating tunnel of grief and despair. What I hadn’t know that it was being overshadowed by Sensory Processing Disorder. I would come to know that when I took the journey with my children to a diagnosis.  Who both have two types of SPD, (also known formerly as Sensory Integration and Sensory Dysfunction Disorder) Sensory Defensive Disorder which means avoiding all sensory input to the central nervous system and  Sensory Modulation Disorder which is the opposite, it’s the seeking out of all sensory input to the central nervous system. 

 

Clara Hughes

 
I’ve learned a lot as a Mom to children with complex needs and I’m now referred to as a walking medical dictionary by my therapist. I’ve come to know from my experience that being a special needs parent is not for the faint at heart. We’re all struggling in our ways with parenting, making our marriages a priority, and trying to carve out some me time. Some of us struggle, swear, drink, and eat too much. I believe others do too they just hide it better. I still have another leg of my journey to take with my children as more letters of the alphabet are discovered with each diagnostic test and assessment. Since I’ve introduced therapy with a psychologist, a psychiatrist, occupational, physical therapists,  and speech and language pathologist their future is looking brighter with early intervention. 

 

Clara Hughes speaking candidly about her mental health

 
I advocate strongly on their behalf and my own and I share this glimpse into our lives for #Bellletstalkday. This is a mental health initiative in my country Canada and for every talk, text, tweet, and share Bell will donate five cents to Canadian Mental Health. Last year the campaign raised over $500,000 and I had the fortunate experience of meeting one of the spokespersons former two time Olympian Clara Hughes. 

Please share, talk, text, and tweet the hashtag #Bellletstalkday to erase the stigma of mental health and bring it into the spotlight than having it shrouded in darkness and fear. One random act of kindness can do so much to help others like one ripple across the water that can create a wave of understanding. 

It’s time for #Mondaymusings and all you have to do is this list of things. 

Write a post sharing your thoughts with us – happy, sad, philosophical, ‘silly’ even. Make it as personal as possible.

Use the hashtag #MondayMusings and link to this post.

Add your link to the linky which you will find either here and on the post of a co-host. Today’s co-hosts are Everyday Gyaan and Living My Imperfect Life

Use our #MondayMusings badge to help other bloggers join in too.

Ten things of Thankful

I’m thankful but tired, I’m grateful but overwhelmed, I’m appreciative yet introspective. So I’ll roll it all into another quick post where  I’m plagued with insomnia and worry. One thing I’ve learned is there is always, always, something to be thankful for. I’m sharing today with my thankful hosts with Lizzi’s Ten Things of Thankful linkup

I’m thankful for a warm cozy bed, and the moonlight that keeps me company when I can’t sleep. 

I’m thankful for spending the weekend with my family on a hockey road trip. There was laugher, excitement, outbursts, and even tears. But must of all there’s always so much love. 

I’m thankful for naps when I’m exhausted and time to soak in my hot tub when I’m pent up with nervous energy. 

I’m thankful for old friendships that stand the test of time, space, distance, mutual respect and love for one another. 

I’m thankful for pain killers, heat packs, chiropractor visits and finally relaxing when I’m stressed. 

I’m thankful for cuddles with my kids, the love of my husband, and wine and chocolate shared with great company. 

I’m thankful for my love of the written word, being in love with books, and working on my novel daily. 

I’m thankful for deadlines met, assignments conpleted, and discovering how I thrive under pressure. 

I’m thankful for the love of music when it can lift me up to great heights when I feel my heart crashing to the earth with worry and strife. 

I’m thankful for the gift of time to heal my wounds, patience to learn from my mistakes, and the love and my believe in myself to conquer my fears. 

  

Monday Musings-the lies we tell ourselves

I’m a truthful person I’ve been taught to always be honest but never cruel, to be appreciative and not take things or people for granted. To always speak from my heart instead of inventing a lie. There’s one lie I’ve told myself is that I’m fine. I’m really not when I say that, it’s a easy way of letting the world know I have it together. 

Even though it appears like I do I really don’t, I’m struggling and I hide behind the mask that I present to world. I always think about that quote 

“Be kind to others, because everyone is fighting their own secret battles.”

I am a kind and loving person and I’m raising my children to be this way as well. I teach them to tell the truth, and to let them know they can tell their parents anything. I give them the opportunity to tell the truth first then give consequences if they’re not honest with me. I don’t want them to think it’s ok to tell me they’re fine when they’re not. Or that “I didn’t do it”or “I don’t know broke” the lamp. 

We tell ourselves these lies because it’s hard to face the truth sometimes. But even though it’s an old cliche the truth will set us free. There’s nothing to remember when you tell the truth, there’s nothing that needs to be created when honesty is the best policy. I’m dealing with a situation right now of lies being told. I have given the opportunity to hear the truth but wasn’t given that respect.

 So now there are consequences and disappointment. Why do we have to hide behind a mask of untruths instead of just being honest? Why does it feel better to lie and make ourselves feel better than ripping off the bandaid and exposing ourselves? It’s easier to hide behind a facade then to be real with ourselves. This is a foreign concept for me as I was taught the truth is a positive way to live my life. 

To be lied to is to be disrespected, and the hurt that arises from that is crushing. I don’t need to build myself up with a house of cards where the truth is distorted and I can’t tell what is real or what is not. Whether it happens sooner or later that house of deception comes crashing down around you. Be real, it’s the only way to feel good about yourself don’t build yourself up into being someone you don’t recognize or respect. 

I’m going to start taking my own advice when people ask me how I’m doing I’m not going to say fine. I will tell the truth I’m happy the sun’s shining, I’m struggling but I’m finding a way to cope. I owe it to myself to speak the truth and not hiding behind a mask I’ve created out of fear.  William Shakespeare is one of my favourite poets and playwrights and he spoke the truth when he created this simple but profound quote. 

“To thine own self be true”

It’s time for #Mondaymusings and all you have to do is this list of things. 

Write a post sharing your thoughts with us – happy, sad, philosophical, ‘silly’ even. Make it as personal as possible.
Use the hashtag #MondayMusings and link to this post.
Add your link to the linky which you will find either here and on the post of a co-host.
Use our #MondayMusings badge to help other bloggers join in too.
Visit and comment on the posts of other bloggers linked here.

Share the love.

Today’s co-hosts are Everyday Gyaan and Tales of Two Tomatoes

  

Ten Things of Thankful

A late night quickly put together list of thankfuls. I love this linkup with Lizzi and the whole TTOT family  so much that I regret when I miss out on it so here’s my week in review. 

I’m thankful for having a great chiropractor helping me recover from my neck injury. He’s kind, patient, and very educational. I appreciate learning more about the physiology of my body since my background is in fitness instruction.  

I’m thankful for being able to drive this week without any pain. My neck is slowly healing and there’s less compression on the nerve and my C-3 vertebra. I’m at 75 % and getting more mobility each day. 

I’m thankful that I have a hot tub I can relax in. I sit under the neck and shoulder jets and just let the soothing hydrotherapy massage my sore muscles. It’s the best part of my day and a great way to start a morning. 

I’m thankful for being given the clearance to do some light exercise by my chiropractor. It snowed a lot in the last while so I started shovelling. I felt so good I shovelled the whole block. I know a lot of people in my neighbourhood work in the city or are seniors. I felt good about helping and had one gentleman come out and thank me. 

I’m thankful for getting caught up on my laundry and only having to put it away tomorrow. Laundry is my nemesis and for four people I have no idea how much we can accumulate in one week! I change twice a day from my daily clothes to workout clothes. But my kids that’s a whole other story. My youngest likes to put on a fashion show and has some OCD tendencies so I have to limit him to one outfit a day and as many costume changes as he wants. 

I’m thankful for my love of books and my ability to read. My Mom taught me how to read when I was five and by grade 2 I was reading magazines and chapter books. There’s nothing better on a chilly winter day then curling up with a good book and a nice cup of tea. 

I’m thankful for my kids listening and being helpful when it was time to tidy up this week. They have realized they get to have more rewards when they help out so tomorrow we’ll be baking up some new Pinterest treats. 

I’m thankful that I was able to spend some quiet time with my love cuddling and watching movies. It’s those moments when I can feel my joy well up in my heart for how grateful I am he’s my soft place to fall. 

I’m thankful for healthy meals, not having to cook as my husband made us a lovely dinner. A traditional pot roast, mashed potatoes, and mixed vegetables was just what was needed on this chilly day. 

I’m thankful that I have a job as a writer/contributor at the Lose the Cape website. I’m so excited to work with their team and learn and grow as a writer. I’ll be adding onto the Pinterest boards as well so stay tuned I’ll be sharing links to my account soon. As soon as it looks less like a garage sale over there. As a bonus thankful I’m thankful I made the linkup tonight before it expires. Next week I’ll have to write out my post earlier. Onward and upward dear readers now off to dreamland I go. 😴 zzzzzz

  

Ten Things of Thankful

Happy new year I’m happy to be linking up with Lizzi and the TTOT group. I think of them as shiny happy people who encourage me to find my happy and share it here with you today. So without further ado my list of thankfuls. 

I’m thankful for the ushering in of a new year that fills me with promising adventures and creative possibilities. I made a list of restorations as I refer to them instead of resolutions. As I’m restoring my goal of things I was already working on in 2015. 

I’m thankful for having extended medical coverage and able to see my chiropractor regularly. I injured my neck and it’s made for a long week of recuperating and encouraging myself to just rest. I have a busy household and that’s no always possible to shirk my responsibilities. But I spent today reading, folding laundry, resting and watching the Golden Globes. 

I’m thankful for my wonderful family for looking after me this week while I recover. It’s a scary thing when you lose the ability to do daily functions as getting dressed, cooking, and housework. My kids have been amazing looking after me one feeding me oranges all day when I couldn’t move from my bed. The other coming home from school helping me shuffle to and fr the bathroom and making me hot chocolate and reading to me to cheer me up. 

I’m thankful for being able to move by Saturday and the dizzy spells to dissipate. Nothing worse than the room spinning when you haven’t had a drop of alcohol to induce it! I was able to cheer on my oldest at his hockey game while colouring with my youngest while he played at my feet. 

I’m thankful for my adult colouring books and lovely pencil crayons and felts I received for Christmas. They really do help me relieve my stress and boredom while I’m lying in bed trying to forget about the pain I’ve been in. 

I’m thankful for Netflix yes I said it. I’ve bee laying in bed with my laptop and watching everything from romantic comedies, action/adventure, and a Peppa the Pig marathon. That was for my son’s enjoyment I can only take so much of Peppa’s family. If it wasn’t for the cornucopia of movies to watch I’d be bitter and bored with just the tv for entertainment. I don’t watch daytime tv and I stopped watching talk shows since Oprah switched networks. 

 I’m thankful for my youngest son always being by my side and his many costume changes while he entertained me with his superhero puppet show. He has the love of the theatre just like his Mama. 

I’m thankful for the Hollywood Foreign Press getting it right and voting the Revenant as best movie and Leonardo Decaprio as best actor. I haven’t seen the movie yet but I believe it’s an Oscar contender. Any movie that supports First Nations and brings more awareness to Indigenous culture and actors in film gets my vote. I was also quite excited that they filmed the movie in my part of Canada. 

I’m thankful for ice packs, grain begs, portable precision massager, ibuprofen, and muscle rub. All these essentials have helped me to be upright and on the mend. I’m missing my daily workouts but I know it’s important to take care of my self as exercise will always be there when I’m fully recovered and I get the clearance from my chiropractor. 

I’m thankful for the success of my little blog that keeps growing each week, meeting more online like minded friendly writers, positive interaction on my Facebook page, and a successful book review of Science of Parenthood. And since this is a late linkup I’m thankful for my warm and cozy bed. 

5 ways to make 2016 my year

Happy new year blessings to you!  I rang the new year in the same way I do every year cuddling with my sleeping children. They try to make it to midnight and watch the ball drop in Times Square on Dick Clark’s Rocking New Years Eve party. Earlier I spent an hour in the hot tub with my husband talking about our goals for the new year. This is a list I’ve come up with as result of that conversation. I’m in restoration than resolution mode as these are ongoing gifts I will be giving myself and my family. 

1. I will love myself more. 

I’ve gone through a lot of self reflection and introspection throughout last year. Every problem, issue, or obstacle that stopped me in my tracks is at the core of my not loving myself enough. I will be changing that from this day forward as I deserve to look in the mirror and say I love you and really mean it! 

2. I won’t let fear hold me back from my persuing my goals. 

I’ve accomplished a lot of amazing things in 2015. Submitting my writing to various websites, guest blogging, growing my blog and social media followings, being accepted into the Wellness Universe community to spread love and positivity, and being published as a contributor in Lose The Cape-(Never Will I Ever than I had Kids). 

  

Available on Amazon Kindle store in ebook and print format

I’m so grateful for these fabulous opportunities in my life! This has been amazing to know I did all these wonderful things yet I know I could’ve done more if I didn’t let my fears and anxiety take over. 

3. I will have faith in myself and my abilities. 

I had a tremendous cheerleader in my life and that was my beloved Mama. After she died I felt a piece of me die with her. She always told me I could do anything I set my mind to. I did do that in the instances I wrote of above, but I had so much fear! I fought through it the best I could but this year I will put faith in God, myself, and the project at hand at the forefront. 

4. I will continue to put my self care as a priority in my life. 

I did this in 2015 which led me to being 30 lbs and 20 inches lighter! I’m very proud of this accomplishment as I learned more about myself on this health journey while getting my stress levels in check. I did this with the help of some amazing people like my coaches on each fitness challenge. Game changers have changed my life for the better and made me a Beach Body Coach. I’m excited to reach even more fitness goals for myself and my family. 

5. I will continue to write out my goal list every day to give me incentive and accountability to keep persuing what I desire. 

I did this for 90 days, everyday for 3 months and my life did indeed change! I was able to start writing my book and work on various other passion projects, be published with the Lose The Cape Team, find an amazing publisher who wants to see me reach for the stars with her guidance and expertise. For my son I was able to secure funding for his therapy team at preschool and at home, and recently got accepted for funding for our family to have respite care. For my husband and I our couple is our goal to make more a priority and stronger in the new year. It’s easy to lose sight of each other as special needs parents. Our children deserve to see us closer, united, and in love more than ever. 

Thank you 2015 for all the life lessons, learning, and showing me I’m stronger physically, mentally, and emotionally than I ever thought possible. Hello 2016 I’m ready for your love, gifts, guidance, and abundance of awesome! 

  This has been submission to the January Blog Hop with Blogs & Business-Mom’s who do it all there are a lot of other talented bloggers who joined in check them and their blogs out today. Thank you! 

January Blog Hop List #1

1. Mrs and Momma

2. Souls Searcher Mom

3. Blessed be the tie

4. Tiggy Poes and Flutterbys

5. Kids Kicks and Cloth

6. Cook with 5 Kids

7. Stay at Home Yogi

8. Harlem Parent Xpress

9. Kids Money Lessons

10. Mommy Gone Tropical

11. Western Newyorker

12. A Kreative Whim

13. Life Lemons and Lemonade

14. Hello Little Bean

15. Sequins in the South

16. Beck List

17. Messy Cutting Board

18. My Dysautonomia

19. Aileen Cooks

20. Jsack’s Mom’s Blog 

Science of Parenthood book review

  
Have you ever had a book come into your life right when you needed it the most? I have a handful of times it’s like the right book was searching for me as I was it. This marvellous book I’m referring to is the Science of Parenthood written by Norine Dworkin and illustrated by Jessica Ziegler. 
I signed up to be part of their #Boogiewipes Science of Parenthood blog tour and I’m also proud to be a #Boogieblogger. I received this book as an ARC (acquired reading copy) for my honest review. It arrived in my mailbox on Christmas Eve and I was tickled pink to see it there. I eagerly dived into it getting lost in the pages while my cookies baked and I left my kitchen a disaster. 

Covered in flour and cinnamon is how I spend most of my December with Christmas baking so that day  was no different. My son had been sick nineteen days out of the month so I was grateful for my reading break! I began to giggle as I read the scientific explanations of what Norine had explained in relation to parenting. 

To say I liked this book is an understatement I absolutely loved it! The information backed up with scientific data as well as the tongue and cheek way it was presented made me giggle late into the night under my covers hoping I wouldn’t wake my sleeping household! I really related to to the chapter on Darwin Parents: Adapt or Die! As I believe this is what parenthood is all about. Constantly adapting to sleeping, feeding, bathing yourself and your children. Then just when you figure it out and get cocky and say out loud “I got this” your kids will change up the game and you’re back at square one! 

My favourite paragraph in the chapter is as follows:

“Whoever coined the phrase “change is good” clearly never woke up every two hours to feed a newborn. Or paced 26.2 miles round the living room, trying to soothe a screaming infant. Or went ten days without showering because she was too exhausted to care. Or notice.”

It’s like the heavens opened up and the clouds parted and the angel chorus sang Hallejuah to me when I read that, because this is my life! My kids were never sleepers, not the babies that you bring home from the hospital and are sleeping by one month. No they never got that memo and I’m still trying to fax it to my son’s bedside at 4.5 years old! 

The chapter on potty training left me in stitches as we went through it last year. He was a little late with all of the steps with having some special needs. Now it’s a big production in the bathroom I cringe when I hear those words “come see what I did Mommy, it’s right there!” Then the road trips for hockey I hear “stop the truck I have to pee.” But you just went before we left the house.” Which means nothing to a preschooler.  I soon find out it’s much more fun to pee on Daddy’s tires than a toilet! 

  
Reading this graph had me hysterics as we go through this every time we go to grocery store or are stuck in a lineup shopping. I ask all the questions as described and get a no, I’m fine, let’s go, then it’s holding his bottom screaming “I got to go now!” It makes running errands an Olympic event as I pick up my child and run through the aisles to find the nearest bathroom. 

  
This particular case above wonderfully illustrated by Jessica described my Christmas. I love to build things Legos, blocks, puzzles you name it I want to build it. I was so excited to give my oldest son a box of Connext so we could build some awesome structures with it. He was kind enough when he opened it to say “thanks Mom that’s cool” but I seen his eyes light up when guitar hero was the next gift unwrapped. I just can’t compete with rock and roll so if you can’t beat them join them. 

This book is a must have for every expectant parent it will be my token baby shower gift from now on. It’s leading the charts in the categories of Parenting, Motherhood, and Funny books and is available on Amazon. I would recommend Science of Parenthood to anyone that’s done daycare it will keep you laughing. You’ll be nodding your head in agreement so much like me you’ll think you’re one of those bobble head dolls! Enjoy then you can say you read a book like this famous Doctor who’s definitely one of my favourites. 

“The perfect field manual for all the parents out there who can do nothing else with their day but laugh.”

-MEHMET OZ, MD, father, grandfather, and Emmy Award-winning host of the Dr. Oz Show. 

(So true Dr.Oz)

  
About the Authors

Norine Dworkin-McDaniel 

Norine is the co-author and principal writer of Science of Parenthood. A longtime magazine writer, Norine’s articles and essays have appeared in just about every women’s magazine you can buy at supermarket checkout as well as on The Huffington Post, Parenting.com and Scary Mommy. Norine is the co-author of You Know He’s a Keeper…You Know He’s a Loser: Happy Endings and Horror Stories from Real Life Relationships (Perigee), Food Cures (Reader’s Digest) and a contributor to several humor anthologies, including Have Milk, Will Travel: Adventures in Breastfeeding(Demeter Press). She lives with her husband and 9-year-old son son in Orlando.

Jessica Ziegler

The daughter of famed New Yorker cartoonist Jack Ziegler, Jessica is Science of Parenthood’s co-author and illustrator. In her “off hours,” Jessica is the director of social web design for VestorLogic and the writer/illustrator of StoryTots, a series of customizable children’s books. Jessica was named a 2014 Humor Voice of the Year by BlogHer/ SheKnows Media. Her writing and illustration have been published on The Huffington Post, InThePowderRoom.com, Vegas.com and in Las Vegas Life and Las Vegas Weekly. She lives with her husband and 11-year-old son in Denver.

 Together, Jessica and Norine are the creators of The Big Book of Parenting Tweets and The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets, published earlier in 2015. 

Science of Parenthood is available in soft cover and e-book on Amazon. 

Follow along on these Social Media Links:

Facebook

Twitter 

Pinterest

Instagram 
Visit the website to see where abouts Norine and Jessica are on the #Boogiewipesblogtour. 

Follow along to see the Book tour Cities/Dates it might be in your town next. 

Monday Musings-Triggers of the Past

What is it about the past that activate the triggers in your mind from childhood? It’s like those thoughts lay in a locked  box deep inside my brain then something happens and then they’re triggered, and opened up to sift through like a filing cabinet of memories. I recently woke up with a stiff neck and had to spend most of my day resting and stretching my overworked muscles. 

I started a new fitness program and I was overzealous about it and this is the result. I have to remember I’m not twenty anymore and take it at a less than frantic pace. All I could think about as I lay there feeling sorry for myself was how much I loved to climb as a child. You could find me in trees, on top of the roof of my house, and sitting on my Mom’s upright piano. 

There was one time I was climbing like usual after I bounded out of the house after breakfast. I reached out to grab a branch and instead I grabbed a snake! You can imagine my fright as I felt helpless and plummeted to the earth below. I lay there listening to my bones crack I wondered if I could walk and if that snake was going to land on my head. I could see it still in the tree hissing at me like something out of Disney’s Robin Hood. 

I never did like that character Sir Hiss as my Mom and Gram had a fear of snakes and all I knew was to fear them as well. My Mom came outside to check on me and saw me lying on the ground. She started screaming, crying, and praying as she tried to find help. All my siblings had left for school and my Dad for work. So she picked me up and brought me into the house. 

She laid me softly down on the couch and covered me with my favourite blanket. She put a cool washcloth on my forehead and began to check my head and neck for damage. I was so sore and had a big goose egg on the back of my skull. It hurt to move my neck so I just laid there while my sweet Mama cried and prayed over me. 

We lived in a rural community so to find anyone home to take me to the Dr was a slim and none chance. My Mom gave me something for the pain and turned on the tv. She had put my favourite show Sesame Street on and I listened and drifted off to sleep. I survived that fall and many others because I was a climber. Now I have my own child that loves to climb bookshelves, the back of the couch, on top of his bike, and has yet to climb a tree. 

This is what I thought about as I lied there in my bed having my pity party unable to turn my head while my sweet little boy looked after me. I don’t do helpless and sick very well, I don’t suppose any of us does. I just wish for my Mom to look after me like she did so long ago. But time has passed on and with it her life has too so I end up wistfully missing her and her tender loving care. 

Childhood triggers fill my mind with memories of good days and bad. Songs, games, and old friendships that were so important to me. I think of that old red house that reminded me of a barn on a farm. With the big heater with the stove pipe in the middle of the room. I think of the many hours spent there on my beloved Mama’s lap as she rocked me holding me tightly in her arms. I wish I could go back there for another day feeling that loves and cherished. Instead I lie here in my bed stiff and sore cuddling my child. Who will grow up and have these memories of special times with his Mom. 

This brings to mind a poem to fill my wistful grieving heart. 

Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

-Rumi

This has been my late edition of #Mondaymusings as I was searching for the linkup that is now being hosted at Everyday Gyann if you’d like to join in here are some tips to take part in #MondayMusings? Here’s how it works:

Write a post sharing your thoughts with us – happy, sad, philosophical, ‘silly’ even. Make it as personal as possible.
Use the hashtag #MondayMusings.

Add your link to the linky which you will find here and on the post of a co-host.

Use our #MondayMusings badge to encourage other bloggers join in too.

Visit and comment on the posts of other bloggers linked here.

Share the love.

  

Pause

There are moments in time I’d like to freeze as my children are growing up so fast. One tells me I’m the mayor of Crazy Town (in our household it’s a real place) the other asks me such interesting questions about the Mir space station and will Steve Harvey ever host a Miss America pagent again? 

I still remember when they were babies and the circumstances that led up to me bringing them into the world. One two days late and long and skinny and purple as Barney the dinosaur. The cord was wrapped around his neck and his head was too wide to engage down into the birth canal. He had the brightest eyes and watched my every move as fascinated with me as I was with him. Oh how I loved him I knew he was waiting for me all along. 

I have to pause that moment when he squeezed my finger and looked up into my eyes as it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Now he’s 4″8 and soon will be height at nine years old and towering over me by the time he’s licenced to drive. His little brother made his scary and rapid appearance before I had a chance to prepare for it. I knew nothing about early onset labor and all that will follow having a premature baby. 

I have to press play on my memory bank as those two weeks of having my baby in the hospital NICU are a blur of emotions. He came into the world sleeping the OBGYN actually woke him up as he cut him out of me and lifted him over top of the blue sheet. He was like a little loaf of bread all curled up and he made this meowing sound and I burst out laughing. I looked at my husband and said “did our baby just meow?”

Then the whole OR started laughing and it broke the thick as ice tension with the seriousness of my son’s early arrival. He was such a mystery to me and didn’t open up his eyes for five days. Then when he did I felt like I could see all the wonders of the world. My baby had an old soul and he looked at me as if to say it’s ok Mom I’ve done this before. 

The love I had in that moment enveloped me like a warm mist floating through me and all around as I was lost in the swirling rainbow of emotions. I have to pause that moment in time as everything I read about Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet came flooding back to me. 

Your children are not your children.

They are sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not of you. 

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

For such a young little life he had this wisdom about him and I was captured by it. When we brought him home he completed our family with his gentleness. It took him two more weeks to find his voice as he was quiet and serious. It was like he was taking every moment in of his new world and didn’t want to miss a minute of it to sleep. We settled into our family of four and I went into grief recovery as my Mom had died five weeks prior to my baby’s birth. 

I felt so much guilt because I loved her so much I couldn’t hold onto my pregnancy. I wanted to pause the last moment I had with her as I told her we were expecting again. The warmth in her hands as she squeezed mine, and the glow in her eyes was my most cherished moment with her. 

I know she watches over my children and wants our greatest gift to be our happiness. Cuddling with my husband while watching our kids entertain us with their antics these are the moments I’d love to pause and hold them in their youth a little longer. 

This had been my Stream of Consciousness Saturday with Linda G Hill as part of Just Jot January posting everyday for the month. Today’s prompt was the word pause.