Jsack's Mom's Blog

Sharing my heart, tears, and love, one story at a time. ❀️

Friday’s Feats and Fails

Well it’s that time of the week, the time I look forward to. It’s Friday and I’m not watching Netflix I’m drinking beer and relaxing so with no further delay here’s the week in review.

FEAT

Well every weekend starts out with hockey so off to another game we go. Everything’s good with the Captain he’s packed up his hockey bag the night before, so we’re bound to be early. We end up still arriving with 10 minutes to spare because Mad dog has a temper tantrum about getting into his seat without his Thomas train. I retrieve said train that has been dropped in the mud and life carries on. We’re experiencing a Chinook where the weather changes from -13 to +16 overnight. So now all our snow is melting. The Captain’s team ends up winning their game and we continue on home to hot chocolate, popcorn and movies.

FAIL

I haven’t been at my most patient, my kids playing musical beds has caused that. Mad dog waits till I’m sleeping or crawling into bed and then runs and jumps into his brother’s. I let them sleep as I’m too tired to move or to sore. Then Mad dog’s restless legs syndrome takes over and he kicks the Captain out of his own bed! Then he comes to me and crawls into my bed. It’s a long endless cycle and by the time Friday comes around I’m at my wits end and feeling stabby. 😱

FEAT

I’ve kept up with the laundry and hockey practices all week and I’m feeling successful. My kids have been really happy lately so that’s always a good thing. I’ve settled my mind with all the up coming doctor assessments and received help from my former province. It’s been a relief that the squeaky, bitchy, wheel gets the grease, which is the help I need. Now that I have medical insurance the process of evaluation can commence. I took a long walk with my Mad dog while the Captain was at hockey with his Dad. I took some beautiful pictures of the sunset and have used them in my blogs. I also found out I was featured again on the http://www.originalbunkerpunks.com. I was feeling particularly vulnerable and I went to catch up on some blog reading. Low and behold I find my submission featured on the main page!!! It’s a story I wrote for my beloved Mama so I’m really proud of it. And my story I wrote of my journey to a diagnosis was featured on the http://www.mighty.com. Two features in one day, you couldn’t kick me off cloud nine if you tried. πŸ’–

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FAIL

Mad dog has had a nasty cold/cough so he hadn’t had much of an appetite. When he does say he’s hungry he just wants sugary cereal. I only allow that for a special treat but I’m just happy he’s eating something. So in turn we’ve had healthier dinners than breakfast and lunches. My Captain came home from school right before I had respite for his brother. He didn’t even say hello he just burst into tears and fell on his bed. I was at loss about what to do because he was sobbing and I couldn’t understand what it was about. He finally was able to tell me that he got into trouble at school for accidentally hitting a student in the eye with a pillow. It was a mistake he was throwing a pillow onto the chair that someone was sitting on, and the kid was walking by and bam right in the eye. 😳 I had a friend of mine pass away suddenly and I’m feeling sad. He was a really wonderful man, and him and his lovely wife were like Grandparents to my sons. I sang a song for them and recorded it and sent it to the wife. She’s recovering in the hospital and I’m praying that she’ll hear I and it will bring her some comfort.

FEAT

I got that situation resolved and the Captain and the student worked out their differences and are friends. Morgan never gets in trouble at school so this was devastating for him. I took him out for hot chocolate and doughnuts just the two of us, and we had a great talk. Today a magazine that I was published in went live. I’m so excited, elated and feeling so proud. I owe it all to my beloved Mama she told me I could do anything and it feels so good to believe that again. My confidence took a shaky fall after she died and I didn’t write anywhere except for in my journal. My pain of losing her was so raw, and uncut that I didn’t think I’d be able to get through it. Well here I am today to say I am one day, one story at a time. If you’d like to read it I posted a link for it on my Facebook page.

https://www.facebook.com/jsackmomblog

Thank you for reading my week in review this has been my submission to Ash’s http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com. Check out her week and all the other talent that links up. All the best to you, until our next adventure take care of you. πŸ’—

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Writer’s Quotes Wednesday

Well it’s officially Friday and I’m getting my quote in a little late. I’ve decided to go with one of my favorite songs for inspiration. Enjoy and thank you for popping by. πŸ˜ƒ

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This has been my submission to http://silverthreading.com. Check out her inspiration and all the other talent that link up. Thank you. πŸ’—

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One Liner Wednesday

In honour of Bell Lets Talk day I will share an inspirational quote from my favourite messenger for mental health awareness. Former Olympic athlete Clara Hughes

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This has been my submission to http://Lindaghill.com. Please check out her one liner and all the other talent who link up. Thank you. 😊

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Letting go and Letting God

Today in Canada is #BeIl Lets Talk campaign to raise awareness for mental health. For every tweet with #BellLetsTalk Bell Canada will donate five cents to Clara’s big ride across the northern part of Canada. I’m a great supporter of this cause as it’s one close to my heart. I had a very amazing and fortunate experience to meet one of it’s spokeswoman last year Clara Hughes.

Last year she stopped into the town of Hope, BC while on her ride for Hope to share her message. Clara was on a mission to cycle across the provinces of Alberta and British Columbia to end the stigma associated with mental illness. This year she took a 110 day journey and 11,000 kilometers visiting 95 communities, and over 80 schools along the way.

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She has been the only athlete that had won gold in both summer (cycling) and winter (speed skating) in the Olympics. She has also struggled with her own mental health and she spoke of her journey with courage, kindness, and bravery. She spoke very candidly about herself and I hung on her every word that night. And when I had a chance to meet her and shake her hand I was literally in awe of her beautiful spirit, honesty, and sensational smile. The most recent quote I read of hers is my favorite.

β€œI cannot be the only one and I’m not the only one trying to make a difference,”
β€œWe have a long way to go but the shift is starting to happen.”

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Today I’m going to share my personal journey with my mental health. I was a happy, curious, bright, and rather serious child. I was in family therapy at the age of twelve to deal with some family issues regarding my parents separation. I was to decide by then who I would choose to live with. I chose my Mom and I grew into a sullen, hell raising teenager who was sent to live with my Dad and step Mom By the age of fourteen, I was diagnosed with depression and insomnia.

I refused to take medicine for it and opted for eating healthier. I struggled with it right up to the age of sixteen. I still opted for no antidepressants and chose a healthier lifestyle. It was when I had graduated, moved out my house and gone to college that I realized I couldn’t keep my demons inside my mind silent any longer. I saw my family doctor and she diagnosed me with anxiety at the age of twenty. I got through my first semester of college and then I decided it was enough and returned to working.

The deadlines, going back and forth to my boyfriends while living on my own, the loneliness and stress got to me so I dropped out. Fast forward in time when I was married and expecting my first baby at the age of thirty-three and I was suffering with anxiety, stress, while working full time on a part time job. My saving grace was my yoga classes that I was teaching at the time. I could relax, meditate, and put myself and my clients first. My son was born via an emergency Caesarean section. About three months into Motherhood I developed Post Partum Depression. It was a difficult journey and I made it through only to have my Dad die two years later.

Grief, raising a toddler, and living far away from my family were the conditions that created a time bomb; that was ticking and waiting to explode! I went into therapy with a PPD support group for two years. I then became pregnant with my second child after trying to conceive for a year when my son was almost four. My Mom became very ill and died while I was eight months along. My world was sent into a tailspin and I prayed I would survive it. My baby was born at nine months, a month premature and spent two weeks in the NICU.

I realized then that no Mom was an island and I went on antidepressants for the first time and enjoyed a bubble of calm while raising my sons. I got through that grief period by attending a grief recovery program and really leaning on my family and friends. I’ve had insomnia since I was very young and gave birth to non sleepers. Eventually my oldest slept through the night at fifteen months, and by the time he was three he was sleeping through consistently. We had moved right after he turned five, and my baby was ten months old. This was our third move due to my husband’s career. 

Life in a hotel, no friends, lack of sleep, lots of stress with an incessant rain clouding my mind and heart; I sank into a deep depression. I found a doctor and she renewed my prescription and then diagnosed me with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I was only a year into my grief journey with my Mom when we moved into the hotel, while attempting to sell our house in another town. At that time I had noticed developmental issues with my baby at eighteen months. He was meeting milestones albeit later than most. Although he did walk early bouncing between beds in the hotel room. So there were some bright moments for me to hang on to.

I took him to the Doctor and was given a pat answer he’s a busy boy who’s hardly sleeping, you’re sleep deprived here’s a handout. After being fed lip service and sent on my way, I talked to my health nurse and she directed me to resources to look into ideas to help while coping on team no sleep. There was my youngest son speech delayed, having trouble with pronunciation, and moving constantly. Climbing everything, high tolerance to pain, eating ten different foods, and hardly sleeping. Then I began the long six month journey to get him assessed at two and half years, while waiting to see a developmental pediatrician.

He saw Child development counselour, Occupational therapist, Speech and language pathologist, and finally the Development pediatrician. Then with the extensive list of concerns came up he was snoring, he had oral fixation issues, hypotonia of the lower jaw which caused him to stuff his food in his mouth till he choked! I still have to watch him closely when he’s eating. After a thorough assessment the doctor said there’s no doubt in my mind that he has sensory processing disorders with Sensory Modulation Disorder being the official diagnosis. At the time he said he didn’t see any signs of autism, but you may want to have him assessed as he gets older.

So I was relieved to finally have something to work with. I went home googled SPD and took the book Out of Sync Child-By Carol Kranowitz out of the library. I finally saw my child on every page and didn’t feel so alone or lack of a better word, like a crazy hypochondriac dreaming up diagnosis’s for my son. Another month went by while I spent late nights researching and listening to my son on a baby monitor. I was on a waiting list to see an ENT and he was diagnosed with a Obstructive sleep apnea. I’ve been on team no sleep for nine years. Between anxiety, post partum depression, grief, insomnia, and heart ache I’ll admit I’ve wanted to run away and hide.

Here I stand today working through the issues one day at a time; as I take a new mental health journey with my sons and keeping my own sanity intact. I don’t have all the answers but I’ve learned over the years what works and doesn’t work for me. By taking care of myself every chance I get is the key to my emotional stability. By keeping hydrated, eating healthy, taking my vitamins, exercising, and catching up on my missing increments of sleep I’ve started to feel more hopeful than hopeless.

I’ve also started to use essential oils to help my children and myself with our anxiety. As that was what got me off of my antidepressants two years ago. Last night I was anxious and couldn’t sleep, I felt wave after wave of emotional energy coming at me as I recently had a wonderful friend pass on. I held my son who was hurting with his restless legs syndrome, and massaged his feet and legs with an oil blend for pain and let him fall asleep on my chest.

I felt like my heart could just burst from my love, grief, worry, and pain. I thought of my beloved Mama who would say this too shall pass honey child. Don’t forget to smile through it, and take care of yourself too. Day by day I listen to her wisdoms chiming in my head and singing the song I wrote for her. I feel a little more closer to her, God and heaven. And I feel blessed as that’s a team that can help me through anything, by letting go and letting God deal with it.

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Daily Post Photo challenge Express Yourself

This is my first time doing a photo challenge with the Daily Post. As part of my Blogging 101 assignment I thought I’d give it a try. So here is my interpretation of expressing myself.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_photo_challenge/express-yourself/

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Whine

I’ve had it, I’ve heard enough, this is the last straw!!! It’s all incessant whining in my household. So starting out this blog post I shall offer a disclaimer.

*Whining will NOT be tolerated unless it’s by the Mother of the household of whiners.*

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Now you may think this is unfair I assure you it’s how I see it as I’m up to my eyeballs in it. I was up late last night, I’m not even going to attempt to whine about that since that is my life. I listened to my Mad dog coughing till 2 am. I couldn’t wake him up enough to give him so medicine so I rubbed his feet with an essential oil flu blend. I continued chatting with my friend who was up at the same time as me. And we poured out our thoughts, wishes, inspirations, and songs.

I finally went to bed tossing and turning over this weeks events. I thought about how excited I was to have chicken wings and my husband wanted them cooked to crispness perfection. I opened up the oven and it set off the smoke alarm! The noise was deafening as we opened doors and windows. There was no visible signs of smoke just very delicious chicken wings I couldn’t eat. 😳

I had two very sensory boys to deal with. One that just turned up the TV and one who was potty training and running around naked. I was trying to catch him before he erupted all over the place. Honestly it would’ve been quicker to catch a greased pig at a BBQ. I finally corralled him in a corner and got his underwear on, then turned down the blaring TV. Meanwhile the alarms was still making it’s annoying beeping. The sound of it’s shrill whine made me hide in my laundry room. As my sensory bucket was full to the brim and overflowing.

What would I do if I had a magic wand in these situations? Voila my youngest would be completely potty trained and accident free! His brother would think before he says the hurtful words that spew forth from anger. I would get more sleep, and alone time with my husband. I wouldn’t have to be on constant vigil listening for sounds of breathing, snoring, or choking. And there would be more date nights with copious amounts of wine enjoyed. πŸ˜ƒ

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*Image used with permission from http://www.sharingwithshari.com*

Back to my story after my own ADHD moment, finally the nails on the chalkboard sound stopped and I crawled out from the black hole of my laundry room. I put my kids to bed, amidst the whining of I’m not tired, I don’t want to go potty, read me another story. Finally I had freedom and I grabbed a huge plate of wings and retreated to my safety of my bedroom. My husband and I comforted ourselves with watching Grim and I drank some wine. It was a pleasant end to a long experience of sensory proportions.

This morning I awoke to the sounds of whining. My Captain couldn’t find his elbow pad. I somehow got blamed for it, although he was the one who aired out his gear and packed it up after. I listened to the stomping, whining, and after 4 hours of sleep the angry Mama bear had arisen. The elbow pad was found in my sons hockey bag (where it was the whole time) and his whining and temper tantrum woke up his brother. Who was none to happy about breaking his slumber after hacking most of the night. He stumbles around dehydrated, cranky, and in need of Mommy cuddles.

Mornings like this really make me want to day drink but I chill my bottle and know it will be waiting for me at the end of the day. So I said Father and son out the door to their hockey game and I curl up on the couch to reflect. Now I’m whining about not enough milk left for cereal for me. After my Mad dog devoured two big bowls and I’m currently munching on Caesar salad. With just the two of us home there’s laughter, hockey, zamboni ice clearing, and most important a whine free zone.

This has been my submission to Ash’s Sunday confession of http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com. Please check out her blog, her anonymous confessions on her Facebook page and all the other talent who link up. Smooches to a whine free day. 😘

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Most and Least

This has been the most stressful week I’ve gone through since I got the call that my Dad was in hospice. I believe the feelings that are swirling around in my body and brain are the same. This week I had to sit there while the Paediatrician said “I’m going to say some things that are difficult to hear.” So I replied “just say it Doc I’ve lived through a lot.” So she said I want your children genetically tested and evaluated for ASD.

I didn’t know what to say except I agreed and thanked her for being honest with me. Inside I felt like she had just ripped the bandaid off my broken heart. And it was oozing out the pain I was keeping in there awaiting healing. I walked out of her office feeling the most vulnerable I had ever felt in my life. My kids are my world, and when I first found out that I was expecting each of them I prayed for a healthy pregnancy. I never wanted to see them in pain, suffering or feeling powerless.

So this is the least of their worries as I just allow them to just be kids. They don’t know of the stress, the sleepless nights, the times I’ve spent crying. They know that they get frustrated easy, nightmares awaken them, and change is difficult to comprehend. With my oldest I tell him all our brains are wired differently. He can’t always help what comes out of his mouth, but he should say kind things.

He sometimes asks me why he can’t let go of a thought bothering him, or why he needs his homework to be perfect. The only answer I have is God made us all unique and different. There’s things that really bother me too. But I concentrate on the things that I can deal with. And let go of the things I can’t and let God take care of them. I will admit though this is the most I’ve had to absorb in one day in one week. So I’m praying for strength and acceptance so I can infuse that in my sons.

So where does this leave me? I will be applying for funding, and getting the most help I need for my children, as well as myself. I’ve joined a support group online and I look forward to meeting these other Moms. I’ve also been attending my support groups locally and it’s so gratifying to meet other parents that are walking the same path as me. After the paper work’s completed, and the appointments are made, then I’ll see where we’re at with getting help.

I’ve never been a fan of labels, but in this case it will be what’s needed in order to move forward with a diagnosis with funding. These labels will not define my children or change who they are. They will not change me or my husband either. They will make us the most devoted parents with advocating for them. They will still be happy, healthy, fun loving kids with a few more letters of the alphabet applied. And most of all they’re our gifts from God that were bestowed on us.

I wouldn’t change any moment of their lives or mine. We get the hand that’s dealt to us in life. We can let it define us or let us rise to the occasion. I prefer to feel my pain for a moment, embrace it, and keep moving forward. I owe it to my family to do so, and it’s the least I can do after they blessed me when they made me their Mom. πŸ’–

This has been my submission to
http://lindaghill.com/2015/01/23/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-january-2415/ for Saturday Stream of Consciousness and the prompt was most/least. Using one or both words.

Please check out her gifted writing and all the other talent that links up. Thank you always dear readers, for your love and support. 😊

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Friday’s Feats and Fails

Wahoo it’s the weekend! It’s my favorite day of the week as it’s also my Captain’s best day as he’s much more relaxed when he comes home from school. It’s been a long week that’s felt like more than a month! So I’ll do my best to give you hi-lights and the low lights.

FEAT

As a family we start every Friday out with a movie, popcorn and cuddles. Can you see why it’s my favorite day? I love to hear my kids chatting, making each other laugh, and the things that they come up with to entertain me and each other. I managed to get through a movie without falling asleep and getting both kids to bed. And we were all organized because the Captain had his hockey bag packed and ready to go at the front door. I love that he’s so excited to go play instead of fighting me just to leave the house. 😊

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FAIL

Hockey was a smooth day minus one hiccup. My Mad dog doesn’t want to sit still and with his sensory condition he just can’t unless there’s a IPad game, or something vibrating and flashing to keep his interest. We were sitting in the arena and he was getting antsy and didn’t want anything to do with the bag of toys I brought him. So he was bored and stimming (seeking sensory input). This is when he gets mouthing and biting so as to get instant input. Well he started licking the hand rail and a young girl walked by. I went to grab his hands and lead him away, but that’s no possible when he’s screaming. This girl came up to me and said “he’s licking the pole, I replied yes I know. ” Her response was what’s wrong with your kid?” This stung me right to the core, so I replied “he has a sensory condition, no big deal.” She began to laugh and I told her keep on walking. I didn’t handle it calmly, I tried but it just hit me in the heart.

FEAT

We had a successful hockey weekend, but traveling together always seems to make my kids even more sensory. So I have the laptop charged playing movies, iPad and the V-tab when sharing the laptop isn’t feasible. Mad dog was very successful with his potty training and I’m so proud of his accomplishment. The Captain won both his games and we ended up running into my brother in-law and sister in-law before left a hockey game. It was such an amazing reunion as we hadn’t seen them in seventeen years. Living at the other ends of each province will do that. As well as being hockey parents that will bring you together for the sport, or keep you on the road every weekend away from everyone.

FAIL

Monday was a difficult day I had Dr’s appointments for my kids with a new Pediatrician. Since it was an assessment the visits were lengthy while I answered questionnaires. My husband came with the Captain while I went in with the Mad dog. He was very agitated and didn’t want to have anything to do with the Dr. I had prepared him with a social story and did his OT exercises beforehand. But when he’s uncomfortable it doesn’t matter what I do to accommodate him. He started to get antsy and my husband and I tag teamed off and he took him home, and I took the Captain. This is where it got difficult as the Pediatrician was very thorough and wants Maddox assessed for ASD and OCD. Hearing those letters made my head swim as she read out her report. It was hard to hear and even harder to talk about my Captain and his anger and anxiety issues. He was bored, angry, and disrespectful. And I understood why, it was difficult for both of us. He will be assessed for ADHD and ODD. My heart breaks for my sons having to struggle, but labels and letters equal help for them so I’m accepting that one day at a time. ❀️

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*Image used with permission from http://www.sharingwithshari.com*

FEAT

I heard a brilliant guest speaker at my support group and he talked about the risk factors of addiction. And also how they correlate to an an ADHD diagnosis. This psychologist was so amazing, thorough, and interesting with his approach I was able to see everything I had encountered in my life in the past six years more clearly. My Captain was also able to articulate how he was feeling when I talked to him about getting help for his anger and anxiety. He doesn’t want to be bullied anymore so he won’t wear headphones in the classroom. But he said he’d try them at home, and he wishes he could stop his brain from saying stupid things. I reassured him it’s never his fault, and we all need to be kinder in our family. πŸ’–

FAIL

With all the changes with Dr’s appointments and my stress levels my Mad dog has slipped in his potty training. I blame myself as I’ve been preoccupied with scheduling more appointments, applying for funding, and researching. Life has been topsy turvy with Mercury in retrograde so there’s always a few more curveballs to dodge. I found out I didn’t have health insurance from either province and I was just sick when I was told my Ped Dr visits were $300!!! Of course I had a few family Dr’s visits as well so color me embarrassed. 😳 I also had to apologize for getting frustrated and letting my feelings get the best of me. Luckily the receptionist could see a tired, overwhelmed Mom and they didn’t charge me a cancellation fee. I really appreciated that and assured them I’d be back with my Health insurance.

FEAT

After applying for health insurance for the third time our claim was processed and we got our Heath care numbers to use immediately. And our coverage will be retroactive from October 1 st. All it took was a trip into the city, an understanding insurance agent, and ID and boom problem solved. πŸ˜ƒ
So now here we are going into the weekend and it’s hockey time again. I’m way ahead of the game as laundry is all caught up with one load in the dryer to be folded tomorrow. Ha take that laundry you’re my bitch this week. πŸ˜‰ The Captain’s hockey bag is organized and ready, dishes are washed and floors are vacuumed. Tomorrow I tackle the bathrooms and mopping and fold and put away laundry. It’s amazing what happens when I get an hour or two of extra sleep. I’ve also been taking am electrolyte supplement and drinking two liters of water daily. As well as taking my vitamins, walking, and doing cardio on the treadmill.

So here we are heading into the weekend so we’ll see what adventures are in store for my family and I then. Until next weekend, blessings to you with whatever you’re doing and wherever you’re doing it. πŸ’“

This has been my submission to Ash’s Friday’s Feats and Fails at http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com Please check out how her week went and all the other talent who link up. Smooches to you for being here on my journey. 😘

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Writer’s Quotes Wednesday

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This has been my submission to http://silverthreading.com. Please check out her creative gift and all the other talent that link up. Thank you. πŸ’“

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One liner Wednesday

Now that my preschooler son and I have completed week one of potty training, we’re on to bigger adventures like navigating trying on underwear. I swear he’s having a fashion show trying on all the pairs. Well life had to continue on as laundry had to get folded and dinner had to get prepared. My son came running out of his room with both legs stuck in one leg hole yelling at the top of his lungs “Mommy help me my underwear is hurting my feelings!”
My son the natural born comedian. πŸ˜‰

This has been my submission to http://Lindaghill.com. Check out her contribution and all the other talent that link up. Thank you. πŸ’—

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