Heal

There are so many parts of me that need to heal. My heart which isn’t as broken as I thought, but cracked and held together with glue and a band aid. My mind which I’ve allowed to overpower me with negative thoughts, and guilt.

My body which hasn’t been the same since my back injury so long ago brought on by grieving for my dear Dad, and saving my son from a near drowning.

My soul which when it’s my time to meet God and enter the Kingdom of heaven, that I will have absolved all my sins and righted my wrongs. I know I was put on this earth for a great reason.

I’ve spent years trying to figure that out as I was a very introspective child. I was hear to speak, sing, and write my truth. I feel this burning passion inside me to write my book of survival, to help people discover their truth, and to make a difference in the world. Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be an entertainer.

I spent countless hours writing after school, stories, songs, poems, and plays. Literature fascinated me as I could dive into my books and get lost for hours. When my parents ended their twenty-four year marriage after raising six children, and myself being the last one I felt immense guilt over it. So why should a precious, precocious, little girl of four years old feel such a trip.

I just thought if I was better they would’ve stayed together. I didn’t sleep a lot as a child, I had visions and spirit visitors that needed to be near me. It never scared me it just was natural to me. I stayed up late a lot of nights with my Mom watching black and white movies in the dark. I thought it I could just go to sleep without anyone invading my dreams then my parents would’ve had a better marriage.

I wish I didn’t lay awake at night hearing the screaming, crying, doors slamming and the sound of a body falling to the floor. But I did I heard all of it, and I never told a soul. Well a living breathing one that is, I need to heal from this childhood trauma. It wasn’t my fault that my parents marriage ended.

They had a lot of love for each other, but over the years the respect was gone. My Dad as dear as he was to me, checked out a long time ago. He was there in body but in spirit he was on another planet.

By the time he was forty-five he had six children. He told me he always wanted a big family, being the oldest of seven he didn’t know any different. And my Mom being an only child felt lonely a lot, and prayed to find someone to love and have a big family.

And so these two star crossed lovers were destined to meet, create a family, and not last. I need to heal from their love story ending. It’s what I based my whole life upon a strong relationship, effective communication, and mutual love and respect.

They had it all at one time but unfortunately it wasn’t enough. I tried so hard to be better, and for a while there I thought I was going to heal. Then my Dad moved in with his girlfriend and took on another family. I knew that was the beginning of the end for me. I would not, could not accept that this was his new life.

So I fought furiously and bitterly and wrote story after story of becoming the heroine of my words. Saving everyone from the crashing and burning. I was only four years old so what could I do?

I need to heal from the pain, guilt, and suffering I’ve put myself through. It can never be too late to heal my inner child, treat her with kindness, and let her blossom with beauty and kindness and release her on gossamer wings to finally be free.

This has been my submission to http://Lindaghill.com Saturday Stream of consciousness. Please see what her beautiful brain wrote, and all the other talent that link up. Thank you for being here today. ❤️