Jsack's Mom's Blog

Sharing my heart, tears, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

Heal

on January 18, 2015

There are so many parts of me that need to heal. My heart which isn’t as broken as I thought, but cracked and held together with glue and a band aid. My mind which I’ve allowed to overpower me with negative thoughts, and guilt.

My body which hasn’t been the same since my back injury so long ago brought on by grieving for my dear Dad, and saving my son from a near drowning.

My soul which when it’s my time to meet God and enter the Kingdom of heaven, that I will have absolved all my sins and righted my wrongs. I know I was put on this earth for a great reason.

I’ve spent years trying to figure that out as I was a very introspective child. I was hear to speak, sing, and write my truth. I feel this burning passion inside me to write my book of survival, to help people discover their truth, and to make a difference in the world. Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be an entertainer.

I spent countless hours writing after school, stories, songs, poems, and plays. Literature fascinated me as I could dive into my books and get lost for hours. When my parents ended their twenty-four year marriage after raising six children, and myself being the last one I felt immense guilt over it. So why should a precious, precocious, little girl of four years old feel such a trip.

I just thought if I was better they would’ve stayed together. I didn’t sleep a lot as a child, I had visions and spirit visitors that needed to be near me. It never scared me it just was natural to me. I stayed up late a lot of nights with my Mom watching black and white movies in the dark. I thought it I could just go to sleep without anyone invading my dreams then my parents would’ve had a better marriage.

I wish I didn’t lay awake at night hearing the screaming, crying, doors slamming and the sound of a body falling to the floor. But I did I heard all of it, and I never told a soul. Well a living breathing one that is, I need to heal from this childhood trauma. It wasn’t my fault that my parents marriage ended.

They had a lot of love for each other, but over the years the respect was gone. My Dad as dear as he was to me, checked out a long time ago. He was there in body but in spirit he was on another planet.

By the time he was forty-five he had six children. He told me he always wanted a big family, being the oldest of seven he didn’t know any different. And my Mom being an only child felt lonely a lot, and prayed to find someone to love and have a big family.

And so these two star crossed lovers were destined to meet, create a family, and not last. I need to heal from their love story ending. It’s what I based my whole life upon a strong relationship, effective communication, and mutual love and respect.

They had it all at one time but unfortunately it wasn’t enough. I tried so hard to be better, and for a while there I thought I was going to heal. Then my Dad moved in with his girlfriend and took on another family. I knew that was the beginning of the end for me. I would not, could not accept that this was his new life.

So I fought furiously and bitterly and wrote story after story of becoming the heroine of my words. Saving everyone from the crashing and burning. I was only four years old so what could I do?

I need to heal from the pain, guilt, and suffering I’ve put myself through. It can never be too late to heal my inner child, treat her with kindness, and let her blossom with beauty and kindness and release her on gossamer wings to finally be free.

This has been my submission to http://Lindaghill.com Saturday Stream of consciousness. Please see what her beautiful brain wrote, and all the other talent that link up. Thank you for being here today. ❤️

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10 responses to “Heal

  1. ricodilello says:

    I hope that writing about your pain actually helps your healing process.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. sweetpea2love says:

    My dear sweet friend, I sit here after reading your heartfelt post and closed my eyes trying to find the words to write to you. We have mirrored each other in so many ways that I feel a closeness to your heart and also your pain. The little child inside of you that just wants to know why? But, may never receive the answers her heart needs to heal. If, you’ve read my posts on Traveling with Faith in a Suitcase, I had released it as fiction…

    But, the only part of the series that was actually fiction was the death in the beginning. You see this is my story and aside from the death of the surviving children’s mother, my road was a very long and bumpy one finding the purpose, which is me. ~

    I left out a lot in the story for the post, but I can tell you it’s taken decades to solve the mystery. I too have a purpose, just as you do and I think you’ve just begun its journey. My reasons for writing the series was originally for my two children and I was going to print out the pages then transform it into two hand made journals. But, one day I realized this journal was a declaration of one woman’s struggle to understand and my purpose was to offer hope ~ Esperanza = Hope and this is my actual middle name.

    So, my sweet friend never fear, because there is always hope ~
    I’m always here if you need me, just whisper and I shall be still and listen ❤

    Hugs from Laura ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • jsackmom says:

      Oh Laura, I love and appreciate your frirndship so much! Here we are across the miles and have connected through our words. I knew I connected with your beautiful work of fiction. For I felt your truth in it, every word of it. I think you’re so brave and gracious to share it. And I think having it made into journals for your children is a beautiful gift as well. Thank you so much, you’re a gift to me. 💖🌟

      Like

  3. You know you are so strong. . After all the ordeal, you could still stay sane and chase your dreams.. could express it all through writing. You have been healed and I am so glad I read this. Now I feel strong too!

    Liked by 1 person

    • jsackmom says:

      Oh thank you so much for the beautiful compliment! Sometimes these stories of my heart take on a life on their own. And with each one I write the healing commences. 😊

      Like

  4. You’ve expressed your pain and your desire for healing so beautifully here, I hope that you find a way to come to terms with it.

    Liked by 1 person

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