I find I’m struggling with myself lately. I’m feeling this pull to my past. Where I felt really happy I had a great group of friends I saw daily. I didn’t feel lonely or shut in like I do now. I had my respite worker recently say I needed people. I know she was right, but that didn’t make me like less of a loser. I feel so pulled to my old life where I knew who I could call, count on, and have my back. Now I try to navigate a new town and new people feeling so unsure of myself. I’ve never had trouble making friends but I don’t know this time around I do.
I need to pull myself up by the bootstraps and just keep trying. Having children with special needs doesn’t always open the door to having friendships. I’m afraid of taking my son to a playgroup and he reacts to too much noise and stimulus. Or if he’s sensory seeking and he gets to aggressive with another child. The times I’ve gone I’ve sat on the edge of my seat drinking my tea, and waiting and watching. I find the pull of my friendships and lamenting that I haven’t found a group. I have a few friends and they lead very busy lives.
So I connect with them when it works with their schedules. I don’t complain, I don’t demand, but I do cry silently at night when everyone else is asleep. With that pull from my heart I have to decide if I’m going to stay stuck in my past, or push myself forward with my future. I’ve been attending a support group and its been helping. I’m hoping to connect and get to know some parents there as we walk the same path with our children. I find more and more each day I have to resist that pull and push myself towards my future.
With that push I’m hoping to gain some more confidence in myself. I have a dilemma with my online life colliding with my reality. Online I’m admired, respected, appreciated, and yes even loved. I’m told I’m beautiful, brilliant, talented, and yes even funny. In my reality I struggle with being social. I have children with special needs. I have to keep them calm, regulated, and comfortable in their surroundings. If I don’t there’s hell to pay. Not to many know my struggles. And honestly I don’t ask for pity just a kind word, an invitation, a smile or a hug.
I don’t ask to impose on people’s lives but maybe just maybe I shouldn’t have blogged about this. Because honestly reading it back makes me sound quite pathetic. I have hid in my online world that makes me feel whole. Today I chose to be brave and put it out here because this is, what is is. My online world meeting my reality, the whole ugly, beautiful, poignant truth of it. Written by me a lonely, heartbroken soul just looking for a friend to understand. I have to pull myself out of my self imposed depression. I’m starting with baby steps and going to attend a playgroup geared towards children with special needs.
I’ve been in denial that it’s what my son needed but no Mom is an island. And the potty training blues have gotten me down and I’ve been stuck inside the house for too long. So time to pull up my big girl sexy panties and get this social thing on the go. No one is an island we all need inhabitants to create some sort of bond, a family.
This has been my submission to Ash’s Sunday confession from http://www.morethancheeseandbeer.com. Check out her brilliance, anonymous confessions, and all the other talent that link up. Thank you for reading my blog today.
Jsack's Mom's Blog 
Awww. Loneliness.
I started Punk Rock Papa out of loneliness and being sad. I spent my days with the kids watching Mickey Mouse, my nights were spent working. I am not all that social at work, my coworkers are not very intelligent. I yearned for intelligent conversation between adults; I wanted to talk to other parents and not feel so alone in my status as primary caretaker of the children.
The loneliness washed over me. It affected my marriage and everything in my life. It was affecting who I was as a person. I was watching myself become bitter and sad.
So came Punk Rock Papa, and Bunker, and Original Bunker Punks. Things that have manifested into amazing groups of support and intelligent conversation and, above all, amazing friendships.
I know, it’s cyber, it’s not the same as actual face to face contact. But honestly, it gets me through the day. It gets me through the week. I am no longer sad or lonely. Because I do have people in my life. I have you and all the other Bunker Punks. And we are all here for you, in the only capacity we can be. Through a screen. Doesn’t matter though, just know we are still here for you, sending our good vibes, our love and our hilarious memes.
I love you J.Law. I hope you find the social standing that will alleviate some of the sadness. You know where to find me.
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Oh Papa you say exactly how I feel!!! Thank you so much for being so kind, honest, and awesome to me. I try to explain to people how much the bunker means to me. They don’t get it because they don’t live it. I’m so happy that through your pain and loneliness you created such an amazing place brimming with talent; kindness, honesty, humour, and most of all love. I keep thinking I need to have what I had before I moved. Maybe I will or have one or two close friends that has my back. Either way I love you and your precious family like you’re part of my own. And if all I have is my family, your family, and my bunker family I’ll be alright. In fact that’s all I ever need to feel happy. Thank you for helping me see the blessings I already have. You rock Papa, and thank you so much for being my rock. ❤️
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First, I have never thought you were pathetic and I admire the fact that you are wiling to put your thoughts out there. Trust me, I had the same fears at first and at times I still do. That’s the best thing about being online. You can always find someone who is there when you are and will take a moment to read what you have written and say well done.
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Yes I agree Mike, my group of online friends is such a treasure to me. Thank you for not saying I’m pathetic, I think we’ve all experienced loneliness like this at times. I’m just having more growing pains this time around with this move. I know spring’s around the corner, and with that is the rebirth of the earth, my thoughts, and moods. And with that transformational vibe comes new ideas and opportunities. Thank you always for your honestly and support. Knowing I have it makes my dark days more bearable. ❤️
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As always Jeanine, my pleasure.
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You’re the best Mike. 😃🌟
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As someone who has been on this road for a little bit longer, I can tell you that looking back only keeps you from moving forward. Life will never be what you used to expect. That’s a hard fact. But it doesn’t have to be completely lonely and isolated. Embrace and cherish your online friends…they will understand and accept you far better than most people you will meet in person, mainly because there are so many of us spread across the wide world, and not necessarily around the corner from where you are. But don’t give up. Your support group is a great place to start. Concentrate on eliminating your expectations, and thoughts of “how it’s supposed to be”, and teach yourself to embrace what IS. How we look at the situation can often completely change how we are affected by it💗💗
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I agree Donna so much!!! I’ve been trapped in my way of thinking and so attached to what I think my friendships should be. I will take time for me and my family and let things evolve how they’re supposed to be. If I didn’t have my group of online friends I would be truly lost indeed. As you said we’re all spread across the globe but always within reach with a click of a button. Thank you for your kindness, love, and support. I admire you and respect your truth and journey so much. I’m going to start embracing the here and now, and what is. And resist that pull to what was, as they keeps me locked to my attachments and doesn’t allow me to move forward. 💞
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Oh, Jeanine, please don’t be so hard on yourself. I came to learn when I was in my period of deepest depression and self-hatred that the majority of people who don’t come clean about their pain, their loneliness, their sadness, are the ones who have it worse than any of us who share that side of ourselves with the world. It’s a profound and amazing and brave thing to be able to stand up and admit the things you’ve admitted here–I really, deeply believe that there is much more strength in admitting our faults than trying to bury them or cover them up and hope no one notices. You are strong and beautiful and funny and alll the words that people use to describe your online persona because, guess what? That’s still YOU. It’s just a part of you, like your real life self is a part of you. Making friends, especially when you have kids, is never easy, even for the most outgoing people. But give yourself time and someone will come along one day and fall into your lap when you’re least expecting a lifelong friend. For now though, us Bunker Punks are always here to keep you company 🙂
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Oh Melissa, thank you so much for reaching out to me and for the wonderful compliments. I’ve been too hard on myself for too long. I’ve got to look at all the blessings I have. I’m starting to make small steps and will be attending a small play group as to not overwhelm my son. I’ve learned that there’s a lot of people like me lonely and anxious. All they want is to have a friend like me find them. Thank you for your kindness and reaching out to me right when I needed it the most. 💗
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